How can I overcome my fears?
8 of Chalices. I just need to. Just get over them and go.
i want to write more. i have my two projects i am working on now, “The Work” and my Supernatural/Schitt's Creek fic. i know i want to make the fic smutty. never done that before but, here’s to new things.
i want to write more about my witchcraft. i’ve been doing this for 20 years, i should be writing about it.
also, tarot. i have ideas, i want to put words on paper.
and my blog. i feel that i keep too much inside and that is not healthy for me.
i really want to get cleaned and organized with my lair. i got a part cleaned up after an depressing October and, i feel so much better for it.
i want to work out more. i want to get back to the moving meditation of dancing in my underwear. i miss that.
and, just plain meditation. i want to get into that groove.
going back to working out, i want to get stronger. i got some videos stashed away and i know it will be a slow walk up a hill, but to get to the top!
and another tattoo. i have it planed out and there is an idea for a third.
so, why all this? why post all these ideas?
Wednesday morning the thought of suicide crossed my mind. and the day spend half doom scrolling and cleaning and today it hit me.
i am queer. no matter how i slice the cake, i am queer. i am who ThEy are coming for. i am who ThEy want gone.
and no, it’s not happening. i feel that i can’t do anything to change the greater world but, that’s not who i am. i am very much “Keep your backyard tidy before fucking with your neighbor’s.” and that’s what i’m doing.
i am working on myself, as an act of defiance. me becoming a better person, a better queer person, being out there in this red state i live in, living my best life, laughing at the fuckers, that is an act of defiance.
is this all i can do? motherfucker, i am trying my best. i am not helping anyone by living in a pit of despair. let me get out of this pit, then i can fuck someone up.
What do my relationships need?
9 of Scythes. They need a lot of work.
“Bless me Mother for I have sinned. It has been since the last millennium since I have been to confession.”
“You sound like a vampire.”
“Maybe I am.”
“What did you do?”
“It was my birthday weekend.”
“Oh fuck.”
“Let’s just say I got sent a dick pic and a vag pic on my birthday. And a tattoo.”
“This is going to take a while, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
*pops open a can of something* “Start confessin’.”
“It’s not the whole trip I want to deal with, it’s just two things I want to focus on.”
“Hit me.”
“The first is my tattoo.”
“I saw the ink, 3 of Swords from the tarot?”
“Yes. It hit me one day that’s what I wanted and I just went with it.
“I thought I wanted it all black but, just the outline. I can color in the heart and maybe the swords with makeup later. To match my mood or my outfit.”
“Maybe some glitter?”
“Only at the gay bar. Speaking of that…”
“Do you remember that night?”
“Like Jim Steinman said, ‘I remember everything.’
“But, back to the tattoo.
“I get to the shop and talk to my artist, Johnny. He thought I wanted an anatomical accurate heart and I’m like no. I pulled out my deck to show him the card and he asked if he could take a picture of it, to work up a sketch. I felt better, knowing that my tattoo will be my deck.”
“The 3 of Swords from the Rider–Waite-Smith deck? That’s basic. You Google it and it shows up. Why would it matter if it was from your deck or the internet?”
“Because my deck has my energy in it. I work with this deck, it knows me. It holds my energy. It’s not just a tattoo of any 3 of Swords, it’s a tattoo of my favorite card from the deck I use.”
“Fair. Keep confessin’.”
“When he was prepping me, I asked if that was his kindergarten diploma on the wall. He said yes, it was and it was to prove he knew his shapes and colors. I was in good hands with an educated man.
“And I sat and got it done.”
“Did it hurt?”
“Yes and no. There was pain but I have had mensural cramps so bad I was on the floor crying. This was a piece of cake.”
“Nice. What about the bar?”
“Cut to the bone I see.”
“Hit me with the deets!”
“It started at Chili’s with me and Nicole looking like a gothic lesbian couple with our severely under-dressed boyfriend. I gave them my phone, told them my password, and let Colt go crazy on Tinder. That’s how I got the dick and vag pics.
“Who’s-”
“Not answering.
“We then make out way to the bar, the long way. At one point I asked Colt how far he has gone with a girl.”
“And?”
“And he told me and that’s my truth to keep.
“Whatever. When are we getting to the super heavy stuff?”
“At the bar I, I did too much of everything. I took too many drugs and was drinking all the booze but the stronger kicker was when I got hit on.”
“You what? No, this was a men’s gay bar, you and Nicole were the only women there.”
*glares in queerness*
“My bad. You were the only lesbian looking bitches there.”
“Yeah. He brought me a drink and Colt and Nicole were very happy about it.”
“Where did it go wrong?”
“So, here’s where it’s gets complicated.
“It took me a long time before I realized why part of it threw me so hard.
“I am not wired for casual. With Colt and Nicole there, I felt a pressure to be ready to marry the next man to walk into my life. Or at least to fuck him.
“Like that night, be ready to go all the way.”
“They were not, were they?”
“I asked them later and separate and they both gave me the correct answer. They wanted me to have fun.
“And then the night got bad.
“I scared off Austin, I was not feeling anymore and got tooken home by Colt. I made it inside the hotel bathroom before throwing up.”
“Oh, it had to be bad if you threw up.”
“Colt watched me undressed and I badly wanted to strip down to my underwear but my poor body image stopped me.
“And I passed out in my bed. Woke up with no hang over.”
“That’s my girl.”
“And that was the big strokes of my birthday. There are smaller things to think about but, time may erase them from me.”
“Don’t get all poetic on me now.”
“So, what’s my penance?”
“Well, you did the spells on Halloween. You are out there, ish. You are making plans to be better for next year.”
“There’s a lot of books I want to read.”
“I think your penance should be a badder badass.”
“Yes, because bitches with tattoos should not act like I did.”
*takes a shot* “Fuck yeah.”
3 Card Spread
Inhale: Queen of Scythes. I need to find my power and take hold of it.
Hold: Revered 10 of Scythes. Hold onto that fucking power of fight!
Exhale: 8 of Scythes. Let go of the chains and become free!
What is my biggest influence right now?
Lovers. The balance that is going on in my life.
What am I ready to manifest?
Reversed 10 of Swords. Rest.
Where am I physically?
Reversed broom. Not well today…
Where am I spiritually?
9 of Cups. I am doing great!
