trying to move

i am trying.

no SIMS tonight, i need to get shit done.

after i post this, i’m throwing cards, shower, meditate, and start a notebook.

this notebook is going to be a planner of sorts. i want to make list and plot out when i can do stuff and then DO IT!

chatted with Colt last night and i put words together.

i realized i have this habit of "doing ThIs will cure me of my current problem!" and then doing the thing, being better for a while, and then going back to square one.

i need to make real changes, no matter how small, to be able to move forward.

there is nothing holding me back but myself.

weekly update

i am 97% done for the month, 9% done for the year, giving me a F.

but i got the crafting shelf organized! fuck yes!

and i got projects unearthed that i need to work on.

and i got an idea what i want to paint. i have small canvas i can try things out on before i get out the big one.

next week i need to work on getting the crafting table cleaned off and then the living room and the altars.

the next step i need to work on is stop the scrolling in bed and start reading more. at minimum, i need to work on that Halloween poem book and the Sylvia Plath book.

and to get on with the working out and meditating.

i am moving forward, in more then one way.

weekly update

i am 75% done for the month, 7% done for the year, giving me a F.

i am making forward progress on my weekends. i am cleaning and getting stuff done. what i am not doing is stuff during the week. i need to start doing something there.

i need to stop with the “doom scrolling” at night and just start reading in bed. i have too many books (just got 3 this week) and am not reading them. i saw a post where someone had a room floor covered with books they have not read, a foot or more deep.

i don’t want to be that person.

it also means i’m not going to the library for a while.

i also need to get on with working out and meditating.

and working towards the next level of my daily practice.

i did a post on Tumblr today that made me pause. it was about worshiping the Norse deities and said that start with what feels familiar/makes sense to you. after that, “Let your worship change as you develop a stronger interpersonal relationship with (and deeper understanding of) the deity you're venerating. You have complete freedom.”

i have fallen off the worshiping of Karpo that i don’t feel anything anymore. and last year made me rethink of how i ward my home and the adding of the seasonal oracle decks of Seasons of the Witch, i do have a lot of things in my head that i need to sit and work on.

but first, i need to clean this lair of mine.

maybe for Imbolc i can get the witchcraft rolling.

day 11

i am cashing in my Fetch points early (not waiting for $50) to get Everybody Scream by Florence and the Machine. i hope to get it by next week.

i’m thinking that maybe i won’t make it to 30 days with my mind/body/soul. i’m so use to doing this meditation that that i am not getting into as much as i should. i’m going to try for 2 weeks and then see where i am from there. tonight makes it day 6 so, half way there.

i keep thinking of things for my new story while at work. maybe this weekend i will get a chance to put some stuff on paper.

and i really need to clean. trash is bad and i want to put all my laundry away and try to tidy up some things before the New Year.

day 10

i want to write but i lack the time to do so.

NoJoMo has taken up all that from me. and morning papers are taking a toil also.

i keep thinking about my new story. i don’t have a plot yet but i do have characters and a setting and things that happen. it’s a start with that.

and i miss my other project. especially since that one ties into my new story.

i am moving forward. got to meditate tonight, making day 5.

slowly but surly…

day 8

new goal plans.

i have mind/body/soul listed as a daily goal. i want to either work out, meditate, or do gummies, every day.

i have been bad at this. and now i’ve added stakes to it.

i have a book with a guided meditation cd. i’ve set myself the goal to do each session 15 times before i can go to the next one. that boils down to having to do mind/body/soul 30 days in a row.

so i’ve done the gummies two days, today is gonna be a meditate night. tomorrow will be a work out day, and so on.

i also need to up my daily practice. i need to read the book and see what is the next level.

only going up, from here to the end of the calendar year.

want to write, don’t have anything to write

been doing my morning papers every day. it’s the 1st things i do, before putting on glasses or anything, or at least i try to.

after my birthday, i’m going back to the book and start moving forward with more of the exercises.

i also want to investigate more workouts. i need to work my abs and arms more.

and if i can workout every other day, i want the other day to be for meditation.

and build the fucking ancestors altar.

maybe i’m losing my passion here because of the morning papers. i am getting stuff out of my head.

i want

i want to write more. i have my two projects i am working on now, “The Work” and my Supernatural/Schitt's Creek fic. i know i want to make the fic smutty. never done that before but, here’s to new things.

i want to write more about my witchcraft. i’ve been doing this for 20 years, i should be writing about it.

also, tarot. i have ideas, i want to put words on paper.

and my blog. i feel that i keep too much inside and that is not healthy for me.

i really want to get cleaned and organized with my lair. i got a part cleaned up after an depressing October and, i feel so much better for it.

i want to work out more. i want to get back to the moving meditation of dancing in my underwear. i miss that.

and, just plain meditation. i want to get into that groove.

going back to working out, i want to get stronger. i got some videos stashed away and i know it will be a slow walk up a hill, but to get to the top!

and another tattoo. i have it planed out and there is an idea for a third.

so, why all this? why post all these ideas?

Wednesday morning the thought of suicide crossed my mind. and the day spend half doom scrolling and cleaning and today it hit me.

i am queer. no matter how i slice the cake, i am queer. i am who ThEy are coming for. i am who ThEy want gone.

and no, it’s not happening. i feel that i can’t do anything to change the greater world but, that’s not who i am. i am very much “Keep your backyard tidy before fucking with your neighbor’s.” and that’s what i’m doing.

i am working on myself, as an act of defiance. me becoming a better person, a better queer person, being out there in this red state i live in, living my best life, laughing at the fuckers, that is an act of defiance.

is this all i can do? motherfucker, i am trying my best. i am not helping anyone by living in a pit of despair. let me get out of this pit, then i can fuck someone up.

weekly update

i am 91% done for the month, 42% done for the year, giving me a D+ grade.

i need to write about my adventure i had on the first.

i am excited about what summer will bring me. summer always feels like a season to me, that things are different and time moves different. that i need to do things differently.

i don’t know if i’ll get back to meditation, because that was always a summer thing, but i want to get back working out. i have a plan for that.

i need to read my books and get back into stuff. i need to put down the phone and get back into stuff.

i feel new. like this season is new, that i am new, that i am starting something new.

i don’t feel free and i don’t feel trapped. i feel like this is where i’m suppose to be. that i got so much time before the season changed and things go another way.

weekly update

small steps equal some progress.

i’m 99% done for the month, 66% done for the year giving me a B- grade.

i’m still needing some get up and go with my life. i am moving inches but i want to move more.

but i am moving more. i am trying dancing as a moving mediation. i’m blasting Florance and the Machine and feel like i’m praying.

so i do have some things going better then i thought. that’s why i write, to keep track of shit.

time to get up and move.

how we doing?

how we doing?

i am ok. i don’t know if last week was PMS or what but i feel like things are going forward. i am moving inches and it feels great.

and there is a strong call of meditate yelling at me. i am going to try some moving mediation by cranking the music and just dancing. i think it’s a step and maybe i’ll get some thoughts going.

i do need to work on the list i made and did not do on Wednesday. i will chalk that up to period pain and move forward on Saturday.

i want things to be better by Fall and, that may not happen but i know i can get it better. i have plans and idea and i see the bigger picture.

it’s a matter of working on a small corner to get to the bigger picture.

weekly update

i’m 119% done for the month, 50% for the year, giving me a B grade.

i really haven’t done much.

i am mostly waiting for the end of my Marvel Weekend and coming back ready to put in the new work.

i will get back to the working out, keeping track what i eat, and the start of mediation.

keep on reading Crafting a Daily Practice and start that work. back it up with Kissing the Limitless. maybe get another book into the mix to try to become a better person.

i got to get up and get my hair cut, pack, and do some witchcraft for this trip.

:-)

weekly update

i’m 143% done for the month, 48% for the year, giving me a A grade.

the way i am plotting out things, i think i am going to try to get back to meditation, again. one of my goals is to read Inner Temple and that would be a great way to get going on that.

i’m down 13 pounds. if i start the arm workout, i might see improvements by October. that gives me incentive to get going and look hotter for my birthday.

i am looking forward to Springfield, so fucking hard this year. i want to start packing, now.

oOo, there is witchcraft i need to do to be ready for Springfield!

weekly update

hello.

i finished the month at 119%, 69% for the year, giving me a A grade.

fucking hell.

i can get all August, September, and October’s goals done next month, if i try very hard.

and i want to.

i want everything clean and done so i can have Oktober to myself.

txting Colt the other day and thinking about it, i realized something.

i have been having a hard time relaxing of late. like, the idea of sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and watching TV was too much work. i’ve also had a problem of actually sitting down and meditating.

so, what if both of theses are the same problems? add to the fact of the idea of “if you meditate you can find a deity and solve that problem” and yeah, it’s all connected.

so, a little magick on Wednesday night to bring about a fix.

and it hit on Friday night. glass of wine, a movie, i felt it. it was great.

and now for today. ToDoList is wiped clean and we start back all over again.

here’s to hoping August is bringing me more blessings.

sensory deprivation tank

get out of my head. i say that but do i put that into practice?

blogging has fallen to the way side. i have been hammering thought my 2022 goals and i am almost done with August goals. i did got some cleaning done yesterday, to boot.

and a thought crossed my mind: wouldn’t be nice to have everything done in time for October and just be a witch? i have dishes to do and the bathroom will need to be dealt with but have all the boxes and shit put away and organized and then have all of October to myself?

and now i feel gun ho to get shit done.

i do feel the need to pull cards on this mental block i am having. i want to mediate, i want to get thought my book, but just the idea, no. just, pull cards and see what is going on.

and i have a feel in me that i need a deity in my life. i think too much like an asexual, wanting for someone to claim me. maybe i just need to find some to work with but who?

i need to go to bed.

weekly update

i am at 112 for the month, 66 for the year, giving me a B+ grade.

i couldn’t get anything done in June and i am almost done with August’s goals.

i just have to get into the groove of meditating. i can’t seem to get into it, at all.

i want to. i feel that whatever is blocking me is just that, a block.

need to do a card reading on what the fuck in wrong with me.

moving forward, dealing with ungodly heat, Halloween is only a 100 days away.

gods help us all.

weekly update

hi.

after PRIDE comes wraith, right?

this county is on fire and i am throwing in the towel for now.

i deleted TicTok. it was getting too much for me, fun skit, people losing their rights, ad. i couldn’t take it anymore.

i was doom scrolling as the children call it.

and it was eating at my soul.

and i didn’t get shit down for June.

today was a challenge. i put on a random YouTube music video playlist on my TV and got back to 20/10, a la Unfuck Your Habitat and got shit done. i made a good dent and it’s cleaner.

and you want some witch tips? clean your fucking living space. get a bucket and a mop and CLEAN! you will be amazed how much you feel better after you vacuum.

and for today this week’s update! i am 76% done for the month (and i will get above 100% this month), 44% for the year, giving me a D- grade! my new routine for this month is a day of reading, working out, meditating, and rest. i did ok with that just 3 last month but i am adding reading into it this month.

let’s get this shit show going.

weekly update

i’m to 88% done for the month, still at 44% for the year, still a D grade.

still reading Dune, i am crocheting more, and i got my head right and i am meditating.

meditating, there’s something there. i don’t know what but i keep seeing something.

need to clean my living space.

weekly update

i have 87% done for the month, putting me at 44% done for the year, a D grade for now.

i am working my ass off to get Dune done right now. i play the movie and i read the book. it seems to help me. i’m 91% done with the book and i am so ready to be out of the sand.

i need to start meditating. i can’t seem to get to that lvl yet.

i have been working out. that’s a plus. i am seeing results from that. good results.

need to get off this blog and onto working on my goals!

moving

my goals have been moving forward very well.

i spent part of the day printing off things for my Book of Cartomancy. i think i can get it down this Saturday.

at work i’ve been watching Dune while reading Dune. it puts me in the right head space to read that fucking book.

i don’t get it. i don’t get why this book is suppose to be the greatest sci-fi book.

i want to start writing or at lest plotting this new story i got cooking. after the queer media i am soaking up right now, this book will there be queer as fuck. will there be any cis, straight people in it? why?

OH! and because this is my own fantasy world i am building, the queers are out and welcome.

i know i need to make it not all white people. that is gonna be a bit tricky but i think i can pull it off.

if i can just start meditating…