whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

the world is a vampire

well, we are here.

the cleaning is coming along. i was able to knock some shit as done because i had cleaned so hard last month.

and the laundry, that sits for a week? it took me 9 mins to get it put away.

i can do shit, if i put myself to it.

on a dark note, i think i have hit a midlife crisis. songs of my youth are coming back and hitting me harder with their meanings. The Wallflowers with “One Headlight” hit like a brick last year and keeps coming towards me. Smashing Pumpkins “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” is screaming at me, right now.

and over all this, there is the sense that i am a lost child in this world. by my research, i am a Gen-Xer. i don’t feel it. i also don’t feel like a Millennial. things that people my age cry as hallmarks of childhood just never hit me. i don’t know if it’s because i was raised out in the sticks and slightly poor.

i know i had a crisis right before i hit 30 and my 40th birthday was marred by the pandemic, so, here we are now.

a memory came up the other day. my history professor said that as women get older, they get more religious. at the time, i was a 20 something women witch and i thought, not my ass.

well, my 40 something non-binary ass is trying to write down what my path is and trying to get more into a daily practice.

can’t fight that AFAB life path.

threw the cards for this week. we will see what happens next.

I am comfortable

wrote this last night on Tumblr. wanted it “written down” for my own records.

 

It’s Friday night. I took my shower, put on clean pjs, and I am in bed. The crockpot upstairs is cooking the chicken I will meal prep for my weekly lunches.

I took a (legal) pot gummy and am having a glass of wine. Fury Road is playing on my tablet.

Is this the life my D.A.R.E officer worried I would have? It was way too late, at age 12, to tell me booze was bad. And then tell me drugs would make me see music and hear colors, like that didn’t sound awesome to me, stuck in my small town, Catholic school?

I work full time, pay my bills on time, striving, “…got dreams he’ll never take away”.

And get high twice a week.

This is not the adulthood I thought I would have, in my D.A.R.E days. It’s better and worser then I thought but,

I am comfortable.

:-)

feral

This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone
Feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same

 

Spiritual awakings should not come from a Wallflower’s song from my teen years.

Hello. My name is Amerwitch, Amer for short, and this is year 2024. I spent the most of 2023 being a devote of the goddess Karpo and she blessed me with an awaking that I want to make true, this year.

Last year the theme was “King”, based on the Florance and the Machine song. A lot of my thoughts come from Florance and the Machine.

She put me under a spell…

And if we are picking Florance and the Machine’s songs for this year it is “Delilah”.

But what for a theme? What one word shall I use on my blog to show everything that happen in 2024? What word will be my reminder every time I write, reminding me of who I suppose to be, this year?

Feral.

It is the word and theme for this year. I want to write a book on my witchcraft, on my path, the Feral Opossum Witch. I want to work on my oracle deck, the Vulture Arcanum.

This year is a focus on me and a focus on my path. I am not a Bride, I am not a Mother, I am King.

A Feral Opossum Witch King.

blar of an update

i order Colt’s birthday gift. i hope he likes it, as i don’t know if he reads this or not.

hi Colt.

i also order new water bottles and Seasons of the Witch - Mabon Oracle. we will see how that goes. it comes out on June 12th but i’m not getting it till July 3rd? why?

this past week has been blar and come to a head last night. the plan was pot and watching the Muppets, to celebrate the life of Jim Henson.

and i couldn’t. the idea of popping a gummy and getting high seemed too much to do.

Colt, if you are still reading, you are the one and only i do bare my soul to and tells things to. you are my confidant.

i lost my train of thought with all of this…

Halloween plans!

i am very much getting a solid plan for Halloween night.

i’m going to build a fire in my fire pit for some magick (being the end of the witch’s year and all that), and then watch The Witch while drinking a pumpkin beer, around said fire pit, and see what comes out of the woods.

and really, doesn’t that sound as spooky as a witch can be?

i just feel this shift in me and i want to keep this motion going, as best i can.

Thursday i am carving my pumpkin and watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, one of the oldest pagan rituals one can still perform.

pre-PRIDE plans

there’s a time in September when the Halloween stuff starts slowly coming out and the world turns witchy and gothic and dark.

i feel that way about PRIDE. in a few days, everything will be rainbows and queer.

this PRIDE, i’m celebrating being non-binary and asexual. the asexual part was easy to deal with, the non-binary was a trip.

i know i’m not a woman, and i’m sure as hell not a man. as Prince said “I am something that you'll never understand”.

and to be perfectly honest, i chose the term non-binary because it fits me but mostly i like the colors of the flag.

i really feel the need to write again. i don’t know what to write but i want to. if i give up the hour of wasting and spent that on writing, maybe i’ll get somewhere, somehow.

here’s hoping June is better.

hello worlds

hello worlds.

i do like doing some kind of prompts in the beginning of the year to get me going with writing. and then i think i will write more and nerp.

i took off January. i took off from working on myself. i, think, there are some things from 2020 that are still here and 2021 did not bring the big bust of freshness that i thought it was going to.

as i was mentioning that February was going to be the start period of things to Judy, she asked if that was my Lent for myself. and it made me stop a bit and yeah, i think so.

i gave up Catholicism so many years ago but parts of it still, not so much cling to me but comes back like a familiar scent. something that is still nice but not wanted all the time.

if i can take all i want and break it down to 40 bites, start on the 8th, then by the 1st of Spring i’ll be there.