all the feels

“nothing will prepare you for the truth.” it was a tagline from all the Tweets and post i kept seeing from Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

and as i got closer to May 6th, thought kept running thought my head.

and they are still running.

and the best way to get them out is to write them down.

i wasn’t stricken by heartburn like i was before Spider-Man. and it was odd, after the edible took effect, how we fell into old patterns.

and this time, it felt like the 16 months we were apart never happen.

i owe a lot to Shelby, for talking and making think on what i want and how to proceeded with Colt.

and some things i am still keeping close to the chest.

i really do want a sit-down dinner date with him and Nicole. that is what i really want for my birthday.

we went to the bar and after a drink, went to the smoke shed. we popped an edible and shared a joint. he was impressed with my inhaling skills, and i even impressed myself with being able to have the smoke flow out my nose.

the music was, bad? i don’t know if the booze, music, or drugs but i kept passing out or blacking out. i had to take one of my uppers.

i think Colt’s drugs, while he was having a good trip, made me want to sleep and made my arms heavy.

at one time i put my arm around him and leaned on him.

he was warm, strong, soft, and i didn’t want to let go of that. i missed that for way too long.

i love him. i can’t tell him that or day the words but i do. even after all the shit, i still love him and don’t want to lose him. he makes me happy.

i gave him all the stuff he sent me. all of his stuff i have is still in a trunk, in my closet. i don’t feel a need to get it out.

when i asked about his necklace, he was still wearing it. my part is put away.

and i don’t feel a need to wear it.

i don’t know if we are #cuzwereconnected. i don’t know if i have a wall up or not about that. i don’t know about #iloveyou3000 because i don’t know if it will last or something will happen, again.

i want to go back for my birthday. i want him to come here and see me.

reading back on older journal posts, i want to stare into his eyes and read his soul again.

i broke the cures i did on him. i knew it was crumbling once i gave him all his stuff back. the baby praying mantis showed me this was the right way.

i love you AssButt.

day 16

i have been slacking with the tarot prompts for the month. instead of making myself write out for tonight, let me throw some cards.

day 14

i went off of Good Reads and now am on Story Graph as Amerwitch. i doubt i get Dune finished by the end of the year. that book is a drag and yes, i have seen the new movie of it.

i tried out a new deck last night. it’s the Believe In Your Own Magic and you can read it about it here. i’m gonna use it for my daily readings next month and think it will pair nicely with my Nightmare Before Christmas tarot.

and as soon as i am done with the Seasons of the Witch: Samhain Oracle i need to dive into Starman Tarot to be ready in time for Days of Bowie.

i just need to read, so much more.

Season of the Witch, Part V

Grow my business. I did get some business last month. And tomorrow I get paid!

Write 52 blog posts. This post will see me at 79% done!

Read 3 books. Read 4 books. Read 5 books. Standstill.

Develop a daily practice/meditation and set up an ancestral altar. Shadow work. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I make goals and try and something just don’t go. Maybe this is shadow work.

Crochet. I am crocheting when I’m watching TV. I am making rounds on a project so, there is some forward motion on that.

Write. Yeah, I don’t know about this anymore. I don’t think I have any creativity in me anymore. I get ideas but, in long-form, nerp. And then I thought of poetry and nerp there. I don’t have words anymore.

Improve my body. Ok, right now I am down 9.8 lbs, beating the shit out of THIS month’s goal, on day 4. I want to start working out, so there is that mini-goal of the month.

Overall, I am not moving as forwards as I want to. Steps in some places, nothing in others. Not moving forwards doesn’t mean that I am moving backward. Treading water is still moving, just moving in place

full moon in spring

like a basic bitch, i order the new edition of Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom, by Rachel Pollack and a RWS deck. i’m actually excited to work with the RWS deck, for some strange reason.

this month has been fruitful with the card readings. hoping to keep this going.

i think i need to start writing but nothing sounds good. i have some ideas but, eh.

and i got an idea for a spell. i don’t know what all i want to do with this spell but i want to do something.

i know Matthew will be here this weekend but, there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do so maybe something will get done.

i also know that two years ago this night i was in a gay bar in Springfield getting drunk.

it’s still a full moon. time to do some magick of my own.

Season of the Witch, Part IV

Season of the Witch, Part IV

Grow my business. This is at a standstill at the moment.

Write 52 blog posts. This post will make me at 67% done.

Read 3 books. Read 4 books. Standstill.

Develop a daily practice/meditation and set up an ancestral altar. Shadow work. So, I have changed my two religious goals to doing some shadow work for the year. If I can get myself together better, maybe my other two goals will fall in line.

Crochet. I’m to the point that I need to have yarn in my hands when I sit to watch TV. I just need to refocus on my projects.

Write. Blar.

Improve my body. As of today, I’ve lost 7.8 lbs. I’m not really trying but I’m not not doing anything at all. I want to start doing more, I just need to find the gumption to do so.

Overall, half and half. I am moving forward with some stuff, and not moving at all with some other stuff.

It’s a mix bag. I’m ok with that.

Season of the Witch, Part III

Season of the Witch, Part III

Let’s look on how things are going so far.

Grow my business. No readings last month. Did get my crafting table cleared off. Once I am done with my Book of Shadows, onto the tarot research!

Write 52 blog posts. This post will make it 60%!

Read 3 books. Read 4 books. Read 5 books. I have hit my goal of reading 3 books so, I upped it. If anything, my reading is doing great this year.

Develop a daily practice/meditation. Still a no with this.

Set up an ancestral altar. Not yet. I need to set some time to work on my family tree, at least once a week.

Crochet. New rule: If I am watching TV, my ass is on the couch and crocheting. More crocheting, less gaming.

Write. No spark in that field. Maybe a poetry challenge is in order.

Improve my body. Weight is going down. Steps are going up. Workouts are increasing.

I feel that I moved forward this month. I hope to take this motion and move more in March.

unfucking stuff

i got done with reading Unfuck Your Habitat and yeah, game changer.

this year has been about reading books that people give bad reviews because it’s full of “Well, everybody should just know this!” Karan attitude.

not everyone knows this and sometimes people need it written down and handed to them to have it sink in.

i am slowly working on getting the basement to a zero lvl so that i can implement a cleaning plan on a weekly timeline.

and try to keep up with it.

the big push to clean, and keep it clean, is that i will have space to start on my tarot research.

and that will only get my business to the next lvl.

and i joined a shadow work group on Facebook. i know i need to start that. it’s a vain idea that that’s a goal for this year and we’ll see what happens.

i got two days off, let’s make the most of it!

Season of the Witch, Part II

Let’s look on how things are going so far.

Grow my business. I did do a card reading last month so, paycheck is coming this month! I have some ideas for making my own tarot prompts.

Write 52 blog posts. 46% done with that.

Read 3 books. Read 4 books. If I knew I had a page left of that one book, I would have read it last year. I got 2 done so far so, 50% done.

Develop a daily practice/meditation. Will come back to this.

Set up an ancestral altar. I did buy a black rosery for it…

Crochet. Will come back to this.

Write. Just have not felt a need to write anything. I have my idea for a story but, eh.

Improve my body. I did a 10 min workout that is made for seniors but I did it!

And now for the come back: I have a developed a plan where I work out, crochet, meditated, or rest a day. Monday, I crocheted, I worked out today, so tomorrow I can rest or meditate. I will be making inches in 3 areas in the long run, and not the short-haul.

When I put it down on paper, I did make some inches in January. Here’s to a fruitful February!

Season of the Witch

In the year of our Lord Bowie 2020, it has been shit.

2020 was planned to be a year of reasoning and broadening who I wanted to be. It was a year of becoming better.

It would be a year of living.

*insert pandemic*

Now that I have acceded, during a pandemic, I see things clearer.

I am non-binary. I am asexual. I am a powerful entity that will bring it and fuck your shit up.

I am anger, green and hulking.

I am free of my enemies and declared my home my power base and defend it so.

2020's theme was ~mind/body/soul~. It took from all three.

But.

I. Am. Still. Here.

Here is my declaration for 2021.

~Season of the Witch~

What does this mean? How is it different from ~mind/body/soul~?

~Season of the Witch~ is the hope of setting goals I can achieve. I think too big. I think I can conquer all in a day and still have the energy to party all night.

~Season of the Witch~ is an attempt to be wiser. By setting small goals, I can achieve them and set sights on bigger pictures.

The Goals

Grow my business. 

Write 52 blog posts. 

Read 3 books. 

Develop a daily practice/meditation. 

Set up an ancestral altar. 

Crochet. 

Write. 

Improve my body.

Many are come-overs from ~mind/body/soul~ but more of a smaller focus. This is a smaller net that will catch what I want, without the feeling of failure for not doing ALL THE THINGS.

*takes a shot* Here’s to 2021.