all the feels

“nothing will prepare you for the truth.” it was a tagline from all the Tweets and post i kept seeing from Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

and as i got closer to May 6th, thought kept running thought my head.

and they are still running.

and the best way to get them out is to write them down.

i wasn’t stricken by heartburn like i was before Spider-Man. and it was odd, after the edible took effect, how we fell into old patterns.

and this time, it felt like the 16 months we were apart never happen.

i owe a lot to Shelby, for talking and making think on what i want and how to proceeded with Colt.

and some things i am still keeping close to the chest.

i really do want a sit-down dinner date with him and Nicole. that is what i really want for my birthday.

we went to the bar and after a drink, went to the smoke shed. we popped an edible and shared a joint. he was impressed with my inhaling skills, and i even impressed myself with being able to have the smoke flow out my nose.

the music was, bad? i don’t know if the booze, music, or drugs but i kept passing out or blacking out. i had to take one of my uppers.

i think Colt’s drugs, while he was having a good trip, made me want to sleep and made my arms heavy.

at one time i put my arm around him and leaned on him.

he was warm, strong, soft, and i didn’t want to let go of that. i missed that for way too long.

i love him. i can’t tell him that or day the words but i do. even after all the shit, i still love him and don’t want to lose him. he makes me happy.

i gave him all the stuff he sent me. all of his stuff i have is still in a trunk, in my closet. i don’t feel a need to get it out.

when i asked about his necklace, he was still wearing it. my part is put away.

and i don’t feel a need to wear it.

i don’t know if we are #cuzwereconnected. i don’t know if i have a wall up or not about that. i don’t know about #iloveyou3000 because i don’t know if it will last or something will happen, again.

i want to go back for my birthday. i want him to come here and see me.

reading back on older journal posts, i want to stare into his eyes and read his soul again.

i broke the cures i did on him. i knew it was crumbling once i gave him all his stuff back. the baby praying mantis showed me this was the right way.

i love you AssButt.