Bless me Mother-

“Bless me Mother-”

“Where the fuck have you been? I thought you been killed or even worse!”

“Are you quoting Jeff Foxworthy to me?”

“If you want my blessing, you better start talking.”

“Bless me Mother for I am not doing good.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I have a job that I like and treat me fair. Last Sunday was a shit show but it was still better then that other fucking place. I have a new car now. It’s from this millennium so it’s all new and shiny to me. And I have a partner that sees me as a whole person.”

“You got your dreams Baby Opossum. You need to reach for the next level.”

“This is almost like when I moved into the basement. I thought with space I would be free from my depression. No, moved that with me.

“So now that I have the better things, car, job, partner, why do I feel so down?”

“You’re not use to being happy. You were starting to feel that last year but you had that sword over year head. That sword is gone. All the things that were holding you back are gone now. You are free.”

“Am I just not moving forward out of fear?”

“Could be.”

“Plus, if that other thing happens…”

“You’ll be living your life like a bitch about to get accused of witchcraft in Salem?"

“I won?”

“Baby, you are winning. Get out there and cut a motherfucker down.”

“Thank you Mother.”

where have i been?

where have i been?

work is ok, home is ok. after all the stress and bullshit, both came out fine and dandy.

the new floor is almost stripy. it’s great.

one year free. that’s what i keep thinking. i am one year free from all the bullshit that i thought was going to take me out. like a opossum, i am coming back from the dead to hiss at all you fuckers.

Cole is moving back to St. Louis so Colt is the only one left in Springfield. i am worried about him being by himself. i won’t be there till Doomsday and that’s a long ways away.

i want to get back into doing more. i keep saying that i am starting THIS month and then things fall apart. this time i am going to move forward. one year free and i am going to run with that freedom. get back to reading and studying and cleaning. things are fine at home and at work. i am fine. it is time to move forward.

am i still alive?

am i still alive?

i know i am not living.

this past week has been stressed plus. work was just stressing with a F.O.R. and big wigs showing up. on the day of, i was the only blue shirt there and i was on side 1 for breakfast. i hold power and must use it wisely.

home is stressful too. Monday, the people will be here to put in the new floor and new shower and MY shower will get fixed (leaks like it’s on). ALL the things had to be to moved out of the rooms and we are done to just the bare necessities.

i have this thought that if the floor Grandma put in lasted 50 years, maybe we can get 50 years out of this floor. Jehoshaphat will be 52 and maybe a grandma in her own right.

i’ll be 96, gods willing.

i cleaned the hell out of my bathroom today.

i made hell of progress today. i just need to move. i want to try to do 20 mins a day this week, just to keep things going forward.

May is coming up and i didn’t get one last year. it was robbed from me. but i am so much better then i was an year ago that i refuse to let shit bog down on me anymore. i have one stressor in my life, and the more i think of cursing him, the more he falters, without me throwing the curse.

i am taking a shower that should clean my soul. tomorrow is the start of my work week and there is work to be done.

Shadow and Light

 

This past week has been not good for me. I didn’t know I was waiting for Thursday afternoon.

It started that morning with work being work and me reaching god statues and being recognized by management that I am awesome. By the afternoon, I received not news but realization that a dark cloud that’s been over my head since May is now fucking gone.

I woke up to the sun shining and the cats singing. I saw this spread the other day and thought that this will give me insight but I have that now. I still want to do it because getting better is a never-ending action and this will get me to a new level of better.

What is hidden? Forget-Me-Not. What is hidden is this new life I can live out now. Things are going well and I don’t have to fear pending doom.

What is revealed? Sage. That I am done with one part of my life and can move to the next part.

How can the shadow serve you? Daisy. The shadow can show me the way to the light.

How can the light guide? Violet. I just need to bask in the light.

I thought February was going to be my starting month. I didn’t know that I needed things to align and it would take all of February.

I am ready for March.

the cards said to write and here i am

the cards said to write and here i am.

things are good. things are moving forward. i need to pick up speed but overall, i am content with myself.

Lent started today and i be damn if an asshole tried to manplain it to me. 8 years of Catholic wasn’t for nothing, motherfucker.

keep having chats with Izzy about stuff and, i’m going down a path i never thought i would. i don’t know if i am 100% certain and don’t know if i will live up to what they want but i am willing to try.

i have high hopes we see each other next week. i have hope in myself that i can live up to the texts i’ve been sending him.

i want to talk to Nicole but i am hesitant about it. i don’t know if i can commit to something so why ask for advice?

blar

well, it’s been a week.

work has been a trip, mostly due to higher ups coming in and being dicks. that’s all i have to say about that shit.

Sims have been fun and i am trying to work a good balance of playing them and getting The Work done.

the cards say to study and i am failing with that. i need to clean a bit to get to the studying.

What's It All About?

i am still here. i only wanted to take January “off” and kick off February and then life happens.

i have been slacking. i tried playing Sims 4 and i just don’t care for the game. off chance i went to look to see if they had Sims 2 and they did. all of them for $30.

and down that hole i went, bad.

i am failing with doing The Work and that needs to stop, now. i am not moving forward and that is someone i don’t want to be.

the basement is getting cleaner, i have a job i like that is 1,000 times less stressful, i have a Bear in Rolla that likes me and wants me, i have my wonderful friends in Springfield, i have the fucking best niblings in the world, too many things are positive in my life for me to turn into mush.

so, tonight is the last night of goofing off. i need to buckle up and get to The Work. i need to step up my reading and studying. i need to get going with the cleaning.

is this all going to happen overnight? no. will i have setbacks, in this month alone? yes? can i read one page a day? fuck yes, i can do at least that.

let’s get going.

day 29

i didn’t give up on my 2025 goals. i’m going to call it that i did 90% of them and as years past i just gave up and burn things this time of year, i am doing better.

what didn’t get done in 2025, rolls over into 2026 so, here we go.

i am almost done with NoJoMo. it was trying but i think i have pulled it off.

i go back to work tomorrow. theses past 3 days have not been as grand as i had hoped.

day 22

work is ok but for that one fuckwit who works there. i realized i think about him too much so i keep repeating "I call all my power back to me" to calm down and banish him away.

i don't have any magic on me when i'm at work so i need to make me come charms to keep shit away from me.

the weather has been wonderful. it feels like i'm in a horror movie this whole month.

it's been great to have November, with all the fall elements and no fucking Christmas being shoved down my throat.

McRibs still are evil.

i worry about my friends having enough money to survive while i'm living large, but not large enough to share.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

today's thought

it hit me today.

for the past few years, i had the goal of gutting my Grandma’s record chest player. never had the time or space to do it.

and then it all came together, i have the space to do it. time may not be do abundance right now but i on my days off, i can start working on it.

i tried looking up info on the model and no luck. i tried looking up how other people redid such things and, erp on all of them.

first step will be unscrewing the back and seeing what all is there. and then we will go from there.

i did it

i put in my first day of work. some things don’t change and some things are way different.

i was sent home early because of labor. i know i am low man on the food chain but, i kept up with bread during breakfast and didn’t freak out during our rush.

i call it a win.

i came home and sat down, did some piddling and thought i should be doing something!

there is nothing to do…

there is stuff to do, but cleaning had always bogged me down. there was just, always some thing that i needed to catch up, to do. and not right now.

June will start a new month and a new list of things, but in this last few days, nope. i have done it all.

the basement, it is clean.

my fucking closet is organized.

i am living my best life.