trying to move

i am trying.

no SIMS tonight, i need to get shit done.

after i post this, i’m throwing cards, shower, meditate, and start a notebook.

this notebook is going to be a planner of sorts. i want to make list and plot out when i can do stuff and then DO IT!

chatted with Colt last night and i put words together.

i realized i have this habit of "doing ThIs will cure me of my current problem!" and then doing the thing, being better for a while, and then going back to square one.

i need to make real changes, no matter how small, to be able to move forward.

there is nothing holding me back but myself.

update

i am 67% done for the month, 12% done for the year, giving me a F.

i am not doing good. i fall into the Sims hole and not doing any The Work.

i don’t think i am going to reach my goal for this month. things just got away from me and Sims is sucking me down.

and with all that’s going on, i’m not seeing Izzy till freaking Ostara. haven’t seen them since Halloween and we are both ready for another date.

there is something poetic about the lining of our dates. and pagan.

they see me as a whole person and i swear it’s the first time a partner has seen me as a whole person. maybe it’s because i am a whole person now, not finding bits of myself and building who i am.

i need to get back on track. reading a page a day is moving forward and i’m not even doing that.

here’s to hoping by next week i am moving forward.

blar

well, it’s been a week.

work has been a trip, mostly due to higher ups coming in and being dicks. that’s all i have to say about that shit.

Sims have been fun and i am trying to work a good balance of playing them and getting The Work done.

the cards say to study and i am failing with that. i need to clean a bit to get to the studying.

What's It All About?

i am still here. i only wanted to take January “off” and kick off February and then life happens.

i have been slacking. i tried playing Sims 4 and i just don’t care for the game. off chance i went to look to see if they had Sims 2 and they did. all of them for $30.

and down that hole i went, bad.

i am failing with doing The Work and that needs to stop, now. i am not moving forward and that is someone i don’t want to be.

the basement is getting cleaner, i have a job i like that is 1,000 times less stressful, i have a Bear in Rolla that likes me and wants me, i have my wonderful friends in Springfield, i have the fucking best niblings in the world, too many things are positive in my life for me to turn into mush.

so, tonight is the last night of goofing off. i need to buckle up and get to The Work. i need to step up my reading and studying. i need to get going with the cleaning.

is this all going to happen overnight? no. will i have setbacks, in this month alone? yes? can i read one page a day? fuck yes, i can do at least that.

let’s get going.

place

no more goals being added to the 2026 list. the cards said so.

one goal was added right before the call of stopping was called out. a goal i hope Izzy can help me with.

i got my crafting table more or less cleaned off and all my notebooks situated.

i was going to go after the crafting shelves and no, i need to work on my bedroom. i need to clean it out, move my bed, and organized the shelves.

see what is under my bed…

i need to put everything in a place. i just have books and stuff everywhere with no real purpose.

same with the crafting shelves. i need to organized it so everything has a place.

i have a place and i want my things to have a place.

update

i’m still doing the cleaning. the last move is the crafting table and getting my new desk up and running.

i did get a new altar out of all of this. it’s stupid, with a Funko Pop of Sylvie and Loki (hey, god and goddess, am i right?) but it’s a place to burn a candle and some incense.

still coming up with more goals for 2026. i am working on them now, so it’s not like i’m just sitting here.

everything is fine. i have no need to come here and vent and moan and try to get my head right.

hell, i stopped morning papers because there was nothing in my head that needed to get out.

have i worked out all my issues? what is hidden so deep in me that it was not come out yet?

maybe i can start writing that new story in my head and work on that other project.

i am not being optimist about next year. i am being real and making small plans for everything. keep focusing on making myself better, not giving myself to anyone or anything, that will not serve me better.

day 29

i didn’t give up on my 2025 goals. i’m going to call it that i did 90% of them and as years past i just gave up and burn things this time of year, i am doing better.

what didn’t get done in 2025, rolls over into 2026 so, here we go.

i am almost done with NoJoMo. it was trying but i think i have pulled it off.

i go back to work tomorrow. theses past 3 days have not been as grand as i had hoped.

day 14

fuck this, i wrote for my story.

day 11

i am cashing in my Fetch points early (not waiting for $50) to get Everybody Scream by Florence and the Machine. i hope to get it by next week.

i’m thinking that maybe i won’t make it to 30 days with my mind/body/soul. i’m so use to doing this meditation that that i am not getting into as much as i should. i’m going to try for 2 weeks and then see where i am from there. tonight makes it day 6 so, half way there.

i keep thinking of things for my new story while at work. maybe this weekend i will get a chance to put some stuff on paper.

and i really need to clean. trash is bad and i want to put all my laundry away and try to tidy up some things before the New Year.

day 10

i want to write but i lack the time to do so.

NoJoMo has taken up all that from me. and morning papers are taking a toil also.

i keep thinking about my new story. i don’t have a plot yet but i do have characters and a setting and things that happen. it’s a start with that.

and i miss my other project. especially since that one ties into my new story.

i am moving forward. got to meditate tonight, making day 5.

slowly but surly…

day 7

things keep on going and i am still here.

i need to write. i have a story and i think i like this one better than any of the ones in the past. it’s a mash of Buffy and American Horror Story: Coven. the one line i have in my head that i really like is “There’s got to be more to being a witch then fucking vampires!”

November is really becoming my celebration of Samhain. it feels even more so this year since i am fucking out of retail and fucking Christmas shoved down my throat.

i think i need to write, with pen and paper. i think i need to think of poems again.

i want November to be good to me and for me. i want to clean tomorrow and get ready to start 2026.

day 2

last few years i have gotten a Halloween ritual that i love and feels right.

the biggest part of it is watching The VVitch. and this year, it hit me on why i love this movie so much.

i have always wanted to be a witch. it wasn’t just a Halloween costume, it was a goal, to be witch, to be like the Wicked Witch of the West, she was the end goal, green and monkeys if need be. that’s who i wanted to be when i grew up.

but witches weren’t real, only in the books and movies and all pure fantasy.

and then when i was 8, i found out about the Salem Witch Trials.

i don’t remember the book 100%. it was from my town’s library, it was from the children’s section, and problem written in the 70s or 80s, so the info wasn’t the best but it was there.

what i remember is the realization of witches are real and this happen here, where i live.

it would be another 20 years, or so, before i got bored and started reading all the books that same library had on the trials. i found them on the shelf and just started with the first on and went down the shelf.

and The VVitch is all that. it was this Halloween, in bed with Izzy, that i thought, little Amer would love this movie.

blar, for now...

i could do an update, with numbers and math, but i am moving by the smallest of inches and, blar.

trying to get a 2nd date. i am doing this thing where i want THIS and when i am presented with the chance of THIS, i want to run away.

no more. if i want to get there, i need to walk there. there is someone waiting for me, hell who wants to walk with me, and i need to get over this assery and become who i want to be.

i casted a love spell last Halloween and i am cashing it in.

i need to sit and write. not this typing on the laptop but with pen and paper and REALLY plot out what the hell i want and do this fall.

blar update

there is nothing to report.

i am trying very hard to make it out of alive this month. August don’t feel as bad as years past but, i don’t trust calm before the storms.

i need to move more on my days/time off. even if i don’t get a goal done, i can at least move an inch on some of them.

i did get back into Once Upon a Time and blar. the way they made Emma evil and now she’s lost Hook, she don’t feel like the badass they started her out to be.

one thing i am doing this month is giving up sex, drugs, and rock and roll. have i seen an improvement? no. am i going to do it for the whole month? yes.

fantastic

it was fantastic.

the movie: 2 hours of Pedro Pascal. what more could a Marvel girl ask for? for reals, after watching the other 3 Fantastic Four movies (MY GODS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE 2015 ONE?!?!?!) i think this one was just right.

now, on to the date.

i live too much in my head.

it was wonderful. he was a perfect gentleman. he open doors and paid for dinner and the movie.

he’s so different from anything i ever dealt with.

we talked. it felt like he was giving me all his red flags and i can deal with them.

i like him. i really like him.

and i dressed fem up for this date. and at one point i just felt so butch next to him. and it was nice to feel that way.

i want to do it again.

witchcraft

“You are doing some witchcraft?”

“Yeah. Read some new stuff and it’s a full moon so I thought I try my hand at it.”

“What book?”

“You haven’t heard of it.”

“Try me.”

“Magic Lessons by Alice Hoffman.”

“Alice Hoffman? Didn’t she write Practical Magic?”

“Yes.”

“Is Magic Lessons a witchcraft book?”

“It’s a prequel to Practical Magic.”

“What the fuck?”

“So, in Supernatural, Sam and Dean have an anti-possession tattoo. By my research, it’s a totally made-up sigil for the show and a common symbol of the show.

“If every fan of the show believes that symbol is an anti-possession, then it is my belief that it is a legit anti-possession symbol.”

“Where the hell are you going with this?”

“If every person who reads Alice Hoffman believes what she writes is real witchcraft, then it is real witchcraft.”

“And you are going with that?”

“Works for me.”

PRIDE, Day 29

What first made you realize you were queer?

 

Tumblr.  Prompts can be found here.

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.