blar update

there is nothing to report.

i am trying very hard to make it out of alive this month. August don’t feel as bad as years past but, i don’t trust calm before the storms.

i need to move more on my days/time off. even if i don’t get a goal done, i can at least move an inch on some of them.

i did get back into Once Upon a Time and blar. the way they made Emma evil and now she’s lost Hook, she don’t feel like the badass they started her out to be.

one thing i am doing this month is giving up sex, drugs, and rock and roll. have i seen an improvement? no. am i going to do it for the whole month? yes.

fantastic

it was fantastic.

the movie: 2 hours of Pedro Pascal. what more could a Marvel girl ask for? for reals, after watching the other 3 Fantastic Four movies (MY GODS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE 2015 ONE?!?!?!) i think this one was just right.

now, on to the date.

i live too much in my head.

it was wonderful. he was a perfect gentleman. he open doors and paid for dinner and the movie.

he’s so different from anything i ever dealt with.

we talked. it felt like he was giving me all his red flags and i can deal with them.

i like him. i really like him.

and i dressed fem up for this date. and at one point i just felt so butch next to him. and it was nice to feel that way.

i want to do it again.

witchcraft

“You are doing some witchcraft?”

“Yeah. Read some new stuff and it’s a full moon so I thought I try my hand at it.”

“What book?”

“You haven’t heard of it.”

“Try me.”

“Magic Lessons by Alice Hoffman.”

“Alice Hoffman? Didn’t she write Practical Magic?”

“Yes.”

“Is Magic Lessons a witchcraft book?”

“It’s a prequel to Practical Magic.”

“What the fuck?”

“So, in Supernatural, Sam and Dean have an anti-possession tattoo. By my research, it’s a totally made-up sigil for the show and a common symbol of the show.

“If every fan of the show believes that symbol is an anti-possession, then it is my belief that it is a legit anti-possession symbol.”

“Where the hell are you going with this?”

“If every person who reads Alice Hoffman believes what she writes is real witchcraft, then it is real witchcraft.”

“And you are going with that?”

“Works for me.”

PRIDE, Day 29

What first made you realize you were queer?

 

Tumblr.  Prompts can be found here.

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE

“Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE.”

“TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!”

“I was so out of my element. And there were so many people there and furries.”

“In this weather?”

“And there was a lot of tails...”

“Tell me about HIM.”

“I want to preface this with they use any pronouns and I am just going with he/him for the time being.”

“Fair. What about HIM?”

“And now my brain goes blank.”

“Just start shooting.”

“He was all over the place because he was a volunteer for PRIDE. He also said he volunteers for the Trevor Project.”

“Wow.”

“HE like the Phantom movie and Gerard Butler as Phantom.”

“Oh gods.”

“He vapes and was wearing off brand crocs.”

“Is there any good news?”

“This morning my brain kept keeps going to back to one thought about last night.

“I met a fully formed person. This person was built on the life they lived. This was a choose your own adventure where it went off the rails and end at PRIDE.

“Matthew is not fully formed. I said after rewatching The Sopranos, I see so much he copied off that show as his personality. That and American Psycho.

“And HIM is fully formed?”

“I think of it as I am joining HIS show at season 38 and I am trying to play catch up. Kinda like dropping into the middle of Supernatural and trying to catch all the lore without watching all the back seasons.”

“HE’s got a lot of catching up with you. But that will be for another time. Where are you going from here?”

“I want to get to know HIM better. I think this could be a friendship.”

“And?”

“I want to start there. I realized that while I thought the whole purity culture didn’t affect me but I got some things I need to unpack.”

“Well then. What is our next step?”

“Keep on txting. See what happens next.”

“Loose with all the plans?”

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Bitch.”

invest

i am still alive.

i think my clothes are all packed. i need to work on packing all the other things.

i need to make another round to make sure i have all the makeup that i need.

going for a cunty look, not county, especially with it being disco night at the bar.

and all the decks and chargers and toys and money and all the fun stuff.

and i need to pick out a purse.

so much to do in so little time.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

Bless me Mother, you need me to confess

“You need to confessed.”

“I need to confessed? For what?”

“You know what you did.”

“Do I need to confess or do you need ME to confesses?”

“Just do it!”

“Bless me Mother for I have…”

“Screamed.”

“Oh. You want to talk about that.”

“Yes. Start at the beginning.”

“So, when I saw Deadpool and Wolverine last summer and Blade showed up, I had a reaction.”

“You about jumped out of your chair in the theater.”

“Yeah… I didn’t know I had that in me. I don’t know what came over me at that point.”

“And then you have been watching a certain ad on the internet of late.”

“Ok. I re-watched The Last of Us and it has reawakened my love of Pedro Pascal. And he is so fucking cute in the ad and he looks at you and tells you that you are perfect do I need to say more?”

“He’s in Fantastic Four that’s coming out this summer.”

“Yeah… kinda worried about myself with that movie.”

“And then you screamed today.”

“Yeah. I was surprised too.”

“Tell me like I don’t know.”

“Marvel put out a video of who’s suppose to be in Doomsday and it was a good mix of names and then one popped up and I screamed about it.”

“Who was it?”

“Can I mention that I completely missed Tom Hiddleston’s name was in this list?”

“That makes it even worst. Who made you scream?”

“Channing Tatum.”

“Why?”

“I did not know how much his Gambit meant to me.”

“How feral are you going to go in Doomsday?”

“I don’t know!”

“Tom Hiddleston, Pedro Pascal, and Channing Tatum.”

“And David Harbour.”

“Is there any one in the line up that isn’t going to make your feral?”

“Some of the women, maybe.”

“You need a boyfriend.”

“Bless me Mother, I need a boyfriend.”

“Bless you, indeed.”

Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive

“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”

“That’s always a good sign.”

“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”

“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”

“I went alone.”

“How asexual of you.”

“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.

“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”

“Kind of creepy, go on.”

“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.

“How was the movie?”

“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”

“End scene?”

“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”

“Springfield is in-”

“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”

“O… K… What happen after the movie?”

“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.

“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”

“Tipped 30%?”

“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.

“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”

“Making good choices I see.”

“I spend a 100 at the store.”

“What the hell did you get?”

“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”

“Why?”

“Witchcraft.”

“Is that all you going to say about it?”

“And then I came home.”

“That’s all?”

“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”

“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”

“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

“But you did this all on your own.”

“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”

“Fuck right.”

“Fuck. Right.”

musings

i tried to get the groundhog out to jump start spring and it didn’t work.

i did see the first crocus today! the snow is done and there is the start of spring! whoot!

work, work was getting to me on a spiritual level. things didn’t go bad or wrong, it was just, blargh.

i miss writing. i want to but i want to get other shit done first.

and that what is i am doing this year. i am focusing on one project at a time to get there. i am moving inches forward and it is getting me places.

there are things that i have been thinking about that i don’t want to put down on paper yet.

the idea of a paper journal, that may never see the light of day, is becoming and idea that i might have to do.

weekly update

i am 83% done for the month, 8% done for the year, giving me a F.

go me.

go me indeed. i got my head on straight about this shit.

i am cleaning. i can not focus on any of my studies while living in less-than-ideal lair.

plus, i want this place shinier in case anyone wants to visit me.

my 5 days of fun are over. tomorrow i go back to work. i have no clue how that place will look like but, eh. i’ll start fires if needed.

Saturday i have hopes of getting my bathroom clean. 20 mins on, 10 mins off, all while listening to Unend is how i’m going to do it. i got my vanity and most of the area around it cleaned off. bathroom seems the next stuff.

i want everything cleaned by the end of the month. i think i can swing it. then i can start working on the next level.

1/1/2025

hello.

yesterday i was working myself into a worrying fit over this year. and then it hit me. i don’t need to worry because the cards will tell me what’s what.

and i threw them last night and i need to go over it all.

the theme of this year is Sacred Opossum. finishing up Dune: Prophecy, i really want to live that life of a nun/witch who is a studious bitch. i want books and notebooks and be learning.

and that will take time and effort. time i have, effort i am working on.

i also want my lair to be clean. i have let things fall off the trail and i want to get back onto it.

and i am going to get up and start getting shit done.

Bless me Mother Feral, I need to vent.

“Bless me Mother Feral, I need to vent.”

“Mother Feral? Is that my name now?”

“Works for me.”

*takes a shot* “Hit me.”

“I’m getting a lot of feels as 2024 ends and 2025 is getting ready to start. I know I’m a witch and I can do stuff but I feel like I shouldn’t/don’t do anything.”

“So not to jink the year?”

“Yes and no.”

“Keep going.”

“Well, it took me a long time but I got a grip on what the theme 2025 is going to be.”

“Sacred Opossum.”

“Yeah. With Agatha All Alone, Dune: Prophecy, and UNEND, the idea of groups of witches, learning and growing just hit me. I want to be do that. I want a year of studying.”

“A year and a day?”

“Oh, I didn’t even think about that. I got the books for it.”

“And a list of goals that you are working on.”

“I made a bingo card out of them. I’m hoping that gives me a boost to get shit done.”

“You seem to be going into this year with hope.”

“It’s not like that. I don’t think.

“It’s more of, there’s a shit show coming and I feel that the best I can do is to fully work on myself. I don’t know where I heard it from but queer joy is going to be an act of rebellion. That the happier I can make myself, the more it will be a fuck you to the shit storm.”

“You’re not becoming a Hermit are you?”

“Maybe? Fool and Hermit feels like the combo I’m feeling and that’s why I came up with Sacred Opossum.”

“What about dating?”

“What about dating?”

“Well, you been single for almost a year and things tried to happen and you stopped them.”

“I had many learning experiences this past year and I will be applying the knowledge I have learn going forward.”

“You going to burn that candle that was part of the love spell you did on Halloween?”

“There’s going to be a lot of witchcraft going on next year. Lots of cards and books and building altars and writing..”

“Sounds like a full-time job. Maybe you won’t have time to burn that love spell candle.”

“Maybe I’ll do it to spite the fuck out of you.”

“Spite and anger are twins. And you are always angry.”

“That’s my secret.”

“Do you want penance?”

“Naw. I’m going to catch up on my shows and call it a night.”

i don't know

how am i?

not good bitch.

i think stress is slowly eating at me and i don’t know what to do to stop it beside just start heavily drinking every night.

the one place is out of my CBD gummies. i got some destressing things from store and i don’t know how well they will work. i took some this morning and didn’t see any difference. will try again tomorrow night.

i even skipped a day of cards. i know that is not a good sign.

i did get my crafting table cleared off, and my side desk organized. i think i need to so my main desk next (if not tonight) to get things looking better.

i am working on 2025 goals right now. i’m 2ish % done for the next year and keep working on things.

i worked on my oracle deck yesterday. i need to make a spread sheet for it and print off what i have done and give it a look over. maybe send some info to Nicole for a second set of eyes.

AND! i got Colt to agree to watch Buffy. it took me some 20 mins and i am to watch Once Upon a Time to boot.

20 mins. it took breaking up for Matthew to start watching Peaky Blinders, after years of me telling him he would like it.

Colt is showing me what a real man is. he is setting the bar very high for any dude who wants to partner up with me.

i am trying to watch Dune so i can move onto the Bene Gesserit show that is out now.

i want

i want to write more. i have my two projects i am working on now, “The Work” and my Supernatural/Schitt's Creek fic. i know i want to make the fic smutty. never done that before but, here’s to new things.

i want to write more about my witchcraft. i’ve been doing this for 20 years, i should be writing about it.

also, tarot. i have ideas, i want to put words on paper.

and my blog. i feel that i keep too much inside and that is not healthy for me.

i really want to get cleaned and organized with my lair. i got a part cleaned up after an depressing October and, i feel so much better for it.

i want to work out more. i want to get back to the moving meditation of dancing in my underwear. i miss that.

and, just plain meditation. i want to get into that groove.

going back to working out, i want to get stronger. i got some videos stashed away and i know it will be a slow walk up a hill, but to get to the top!

and another tattoo. i have it planed out and there is an idea for a third.

so, why all this? why post all these ideas?

Wednesday morning the thought of suicide crossed my mind. and the day spend half doom scrolling and cleaning and today it hit me.

i am queer. no matter how i slice the cake, i am queer. i am who ThEy are coming for. i am who ThEy want gone.

and no, it’s not happening. i feel that i can’t do anything to change the greater world but, that’s not who i am. i am very much “Keep your backyard tidy before fucking with your neighbor’s.” and that’s what i’m doing.

i am working on myself, as an act of defiance. me becoming a better person, a better queer person, being out there in this red state i live in, living my best life, laughing at the fuckers, that is an act of defiance.

is this all i can do? motherfucker, i am trying my best. i am not helping anyone by living in a pit of despair. let me get out of this pit, then i can fuck someone up.

When I find myself in times of trouble/Mother Trauma comes to me

i want to fall into-

i don’t know what. anything seems to be wrong to say out loud.

i know tomorrow i want to fall into my gummy and let the good times roll. i am tired and stress.

it was the miracle of hearing the voice of Mother Trauma this afternoon that seems to clear me of what had ailed me so hard last night.

fuck, i even wrote some!

i am going to take my shower, hit my bed, READ, and go to bed on time!

walk out into the woods and yell and the wind and pull some tarot cards

walk out into the woods and yell and the wind and pull some tarot cards.

call it witchcraft.

and it’s not getting me answers.

i got my books from the library and started reading them. well, one. my mind when to odd places and i need to reel myself back in.

i need to start me own version of a bullet journal to keep track what the hell i want to do. i make lists in my head or out there and nothing is in one place to get done.

trying to get things together and move forward. trying to get better. trying to become more.

trying.