“Bless me Mother-”
“Where the fuck have you been? I thought you been killed or even worse!”
“Are you quoting Jeff Foxworthy to me?”
“If you want my blessing, you better start talking.”
“Bless me Mother for I am not doing good.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I have a job that I like and treat me fair. Last Sunday was a shit show but it was still better then that other fucking place. I have a new car now. It’s from this millennium so it’s all new and shiny to me. And I have a partner that sees me as a whole person.”
“You got your dreams Baby Opossum. You need to reach for the next level.”
“This is almost like when I moved into the basement. I thought with space I would be free from my depression. No, moved that with me.
“So now that I have the better things, car, job, partner, why do I feel so down?”
“You’re not use to being happy. You were starting to feel that last year but you had that sword over year head. That sword is gone. All the things that were holding you back are gone now. You are free.”
“Am I just not moving forward out of fear?”
“Could be.”
“Plus, if that other thing happens…”
“You’ll be living your life like a bitch about to get accused of witchcraft in Salem?"“I won?”
“Baby, you are winning. Get out there and cut a motherfucker down.”
“Thank you Mother.”
coming home from work, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” popped up on my Pandora. and before i could ask the question out loud, i said yes.
i have found what i’m looking for. i found happiness.
i was such a frog in boiling water when i was at that fucking store.
it hit me today.
it’s ungodly warm for November, the sun is shining, the leaves are at a contest falling off the tress that you only see in the movies, the ground is wet with leaves, in that sexy fall way, and it all come to a point that this has been the best November i have felt in a long time.
because i am not at the fucking store.
there is no hint of Christmas anywhere near me, there has been no talk about Black Friday or shopping or any other shit. it’s been November.
and when i mention plans and traditions for Thanksgiving/Christmas, no one is judging me for not doing it right.
i am living my best life right now.
weekly update
i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!
by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.
i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.
i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.
i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.
my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.
i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.
i want to date him.
i want other things.
also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.
i am so not that bitch any more.
the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.
i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.
no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.
fuck…..
let’s focus on the good things.
i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.
i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.
i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.
i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.
i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.
i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.
i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.
i booked the hotel. the car is reserved. the tickets are brought. things are falling into place.
i need to start my packing list. i need to plot out all i need for this trip and start packing.
i am so ready for this trip, to be away from fucking work for 7 whole days, in a row. that will be so nice.
i need to make of list of things i need to do, the waxing/bleaching/shaving/cutting that is all gender affirming care!
my body is just a ball of stress.
between the fuckery of work and fucking Black Friday and all that bullshit and *looks at the world* i am holding onto so much stuff.
the CBD gummies i love are out of stock and i don’t want to start drinking every night. i have my Gummys for Tuesday and Friday nights and they do help.
i am also getting a weekend in 16 daysish. that was a happy surprise since my next one was supposed to be in February.
i need a shower and a long night’s rest.
maybe tomorrow night….
i want to fall into-
i don’t know what. anything seems to be wrong to say out loud.
i know tomorrow i want to fall into my gummy and let the good times roll. i am tired and stress.
it was the miracle of hearing the voice of Mother Trauma this afternoon that seems to clear me of what had ailed me so hard last night.
fuck, i even wrote some!
i am going to take my shower, hit my bed, READ, and go to bed on time!
i’m 106% done for the month, 19% for the year, giving me a D-. :-/
new month and a new set of goals to do. i know i am done for the month but i want to be done for the year. i know i can do it, i just need to get working at it.
work has been hell this past week. i’ve not mention that i will be gone for 2 days next week, as i don’t fucking care.
Matthew will be here next week and there brings it’s own set of problems.
i am 171% done for the month, 16% done for the year, giving me a A grade.
my bathroom is still clean and makes me so happy every time i walk in.
still going on the Cozy Witch tarot. it is fluffier then i thought it was going to be. i know i don’t want to buy any of Amanda Lovelace’s witchcraft books base off of her tarot deck.
i am still going forward. i want to clean my kitchen this weekend in. i did call in, probably could have gone to work but fuck it. i don’t care that much to risk everything for that place.
Pat did take in my ideas for endcaps for 79. that is a plus.
Colt, i worry about him. i think he is having a rough week (what kind of fucking evil coworker mocks your cat?) and i don’t know have all the powers to make it better for him.
i wish i could.
did i want to spend my time off getting work done or doing the work?
it was spent off, doing nothing.
but i go back to work tomorrow and back to a regular set schedule. time to get shit done and made progress.
“first” step is to get an air pump and some contact paper to get my ball and desk in better shape.
i have the ideas, i need to put stuff into practice.
it all needs to be put into practice.
trying to get things wrapped up on one end to get it started on the other.
i got my Christmas discount paper and now i can begin my list. i think i want a keyboard to hook up to my laptop as this keyboard seem to be going out.
and a new wireless mouse.
a new cooler, stuff to start my oracle deck project, year supply of vitamins, all that fun stuff.
still 91% for the month, got to 69% for the done for the year, still a B-.
inventory is Friday and i am dead. i sign up for 6 days in a row/44-hour work week and it’s hurting.
Friday night i am getting high and watching all I am Groot.
i am trying to get into my Star Trek tarot deck. the book goes hard on the tarot history but i kinda skipped that and trying to get into the crux of it.
i’m wrapping this up do i can go to bed early tonight.
where do i start?
i was killing a bit of time and was looking over the herbs and vits at the store when i saw the ones to help with stress and i laughed. i laughed because i have weed at home.
and as i sit here, i feel the idea of a story bubbling. i don’t know what and i don’t know if it means anything but it is there.
i have a weekend coming up and i want so hard to work on cleaning THIS Saturday, hopefully do something on Wednesday (am going shopping with Mother), work again on Saturday so on Sunday i can relax.
this is almost like its own kind of high.
i’m still here.
i’m falling into a pit of not light and i don’t like it.
i think i am having anxiety over work and i really don’t like that. i don’t know what to do to make that better.
maybe i’m putting too much faith in the new year will bless me with something all new with everything.
maybe the pressure of improving my life is getting to me.
maybe i am living all in my head too much.
I want to be Better.
To be Better, I need to put in The Work.
To put in The Work, I need to work.
And that is the stopping stone.
From the top, what will happen to me if/when I am Better?
Define Better: being better means a clean living space, working out, a daily practice of my religion, a sense that my time off is dedicated to creativity and not to catching up with life.
Clean living space- it means what it means. Everything is put away, trash gone, closet organized, bathroom sparkles, there is no need for overhaul, just upkeep. Clean to let Babies come down. Clean so Colt can visit.
Working Out- putting in the time to move my body to get healthier, to get stronger.
Daily practice- become more magickal. To connect to what is out there, establish ties to the other worlds, aspire to a higher life. I want to my Mystical!
Time off- I feel I don’t own my time. I feel that because I don’t do “The Work” because WORK is soul-sucking, eye bleeding, mind-destroying, I need “Rest,” and then I feel guilty about “Rest” as I see it as laziness, that fucking Puritan thought-form.
I don’t come from Puritan. I come from English Quakers and German Lutherans.
I need to reset my thought into action. Easier said than done.
This power has to come from within, in a long, slow, painful procedure.
To get Better.
let me see if i can put this in human words.
i forgot my books and tried to entertain myself during my lunch hour.
of course, i had Florence and the Machine blasting away. i have been on STRONG kick with her music of late.
now, by the end of the day i felt blar. it wasn’t a bad day, it wasn’t a good day, it wasn’t a mid day, it was just a day that made me feel blar all over.
and while that feeling was washing all over me, there was another feeling.
at some point, i posted this:
Why do I feel that just boiling under my skin is my greatest power? Like, between this backpack of notebooks and black pens, I’m going to find something profound?
i know that reading Kissing the Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle and listening to Florence and the Machine has been resetting my mind. i feel that if i keep this up, i’m going to open a portal and leave this realm.
and i don’t know what this great knowledge is, where it’s coming from, or what’s it’s going to be. i just had this wave wash over that, it’s coming. ready or not, it’s coming for me.
hello darkness my old, old friend.
been off for 4 days and didn’t get anything done.
and i don’t know what to do about that.
i thought the herbal stuff i order would help and it did not give me the wham that it did the first time so, i haven’t used it since.
i hate to say that being off from work is not helping because work gives me structure.
along with that, i not not try NaNoWriMo. i had a set of prompts and idea and went with it.
and i just don’t have the passion for fiction, right now. i don’t want to go down the poetry path, because i’m not that depressed 20 something white girl anymore.
non-fiction? do i have it in me to write real words on tarot? that’s only 642 words per card to write a book on it. what do i have to say about the tarot that hasn’t been said already?
they started playing Christmas music at the store today.
i hate it here.
i took a gummy and then a small shot 7&7 and feel so good.
and, am i really cheating if i am already started my 2023 goals? since i believe that November starts the New Year for witch’s that believe in that, no. i am working/waling forward, to get all my shit down.
got to go back to work tomorrow. and i know it will be Christmas hell and i just don’t want to deal with that yet. i don’t want Black Friday and all that stupidity yet. i want to enjoy November just a little bit more. just the fallness of it all.
i do know i need to get all my shit together for work. i have started using new notebooks and i have plans so, there is that.
and there is the idea that what i do isn’t all going to get posted on the “Net”. doing card readings and writings that isn’t gear for the world, just for myself. it’s like i’m making my own secrets.
i need to give my NaNoWriMo a going. i’m not aiming for words as much as pages and telling a whole story in 30 days.
