here we go...

i am not moving forward as much as i want. i blame myself and will try again tomorrow.

i need to get into the groove of 20 mins of things. 20 mins of this, 20 mins of that. moving forward with projects. get into working out (my arms need help so much) and get into meditating.

and cleaning and letting other things get done.

it’s all in my reach. i got one set of goals done, i am now working on new ones. ones i want to get done in a year and not forever.

the first full moon of fall happens right after the start of fall and on a weekend. i started making plans and then realized that’s when Endgame come back to the theaters.

so it’s one of two ways this is playing out:

1. see Endgame in Jeff on Friday and then come home for some witchcraft.
2. see Endgame with Izzy and do some, other witchcraft that night.

either way, i am seeing that fucking movie.

and making some magic.

here we go

Things are good with me, the goal post I set, I have gone past them. I own my own home, I have a new car, a job that wants me to be better, and a partner who sees me as a whole ass human, not just parts.

i wrote that this morning. i have won and i am not celebrating to trying to be better.

this happen when we moved into the house. i thought that would cure me and it didn’t.

well, now what?

now we start the work of being better. stuff has been bad since April and i need to stop it. i need to do the work, do The Work, and make my home the place i want it to be.

that’s it. i want this place to be like i want. that is gonna take time and effort. it’s not going to happen overnight, and it’s gonna take upkeep to make it happen.

if i work 20 mins a night, i can get it done. it will be inches but it will get me there.

because, if i can get my home inline, then i can get inline. i will have the time to do the witchcraft, cast the spells, read the cards, be the bad ass witch my 4 yr-old self could only dream of.

it’s starts.

i have plans

i have plans.

plans to see Spider-Man. plans to see it with Izzy. plans for a slumber party. plans that include, and i quote: “…then all night I have you to myself.”

i wasn’t ready for this last year. i wasn’t ready for this at Halloween. it’s a toss up about if i was ready at PRIDE but i know i am now.

the last two years, so much has changed about me and how i view the world. i sit here, in my own house (THE DEED HAS MY FUCKING NAME ON IT, IT’S MINE!!!) with a car from this millennium, a job that wants to reward me for my hard work, and a partner that sees me as a whole person.

i am living my best life.

i keep saying this but, i am going to start being better. Lammas is coming up and so is fall and i am in the 100 days before Halloween.

i know August is a do-nothing month but, not this year. i want to back into the swing of The Work, of being that bitch trying to overcome her bullshit.

i have overcome, i don’t have that over my head and i am in this box of fear of taking the next step, the next lvl of being better.

need to write more then just this

oh, i need to write but i don’t have the time…

i am getting better. i am trying to focus on getting The Work done and not playing on my phone. i am getting things done but, not enough? always trying for tomorrow to be better the yesterday.

i need to write the thoughts in my head about PRIDE, sex, gender, and all sorts of things like that.

i have been talking to Cole about it. i have my date with Izzy Saturday and after party at the hotel with just one bed this time…

am i still alive?

am i still alive?

i know i am not living.

this past week has been stressed plus. work was just stressing with a F.O.R. and big wigs showing up. on the day of, i was the only blue shirt there and i was on side 1 for breakfast. i hold power and must use it wisely.

home is stressful too. Monday, the people will be here to put in the new floor and new shower and MY shower will get fixed (leaks like it’s on). ALL the things had to be to moved out of the rooms and we are done to just the bare necessities.

i have this thought that if the floor Grandma put in lasted 50 years, maybe we can get 50 years out of this floor. Jehoshaphat will be 52 and maybe a grandma in her own right.

i’ll be 96, gods willing.

i cleaned the hell out of my bathroom today.

i made hell of progress today. i just need to move. i want to try to do 20 mins a day this week, just to keep things going forward.

May is coming up and i didn’t get one last year. it was robbed from me. but i am so much better then i was an year ago that i refuse to let shit bog down on me anymore. i have one stressor in my life, and the more i think of cursing him, the more he falters, without me throwing the curse.

i am taking a shower that should clean my soul. tomorrow is the start of my work week and there is work to be done.

doing it

i am doing it.

i made a plan last week. cue up my podcast, set timer for 20 mins, and go.

i got shit done. i got The Work done! i am making steps on getting this place up to snuff for wanting to do all my goals for the year.

i hit the 60% mark for the month. that is low but i am proud of the shit that got done.

i am making strides and i pray i can keep this momentum up and going!

trying to move

i am trying.

no SIMS tonight, i need to get shit done.

after i post this, i’m throwing cards, shower, meditate, and start a notebook.

this notebook is going to be a planner of sorts. i want to make list and plot out when i can do stuff and then DO IT!

chatted with Colt last night and i put words together.

i realized i have this habit of "doing ThIs will cure me of my current problem!" and then doing the thing, being better for a while, and then going back to square one.

i need to make real changes, no matter how small, to be able to move forward.

there is nothing holding me back but myself.

Fat Monday

want to write, have nothing to write.

Wednesday is Ash/Fish Day and i will be damn if any one tries to explain it to me.

trying to get another date with Izzy and shit keeps coming up. the texts, i think i am in danger but the good kind.

i think i am in good hands.

i just want those hands on me.

today marks 3 years of being celibate and being a recreational marijuana user. it also marks being 2 years single and 10 months of texting Izzy.

i am moving forward. just not in the ways i think i would be.

time to get some shit done to do The Work tonight.

What's It All About?

i am still here. i only wanted to take January “off” and kick off February and then life happens.

i have been slacking. i tried playing Sims 4 and i just don’t care for the game. off chance i went to look to see if they had Sims 2 and they did. all of them for $30.

and down that hole i went, bad.

i am failing with doing The Work and that needs to stop, now. i am not moving forward and that is someone i don’t want to be.

the basement is getting cleaner, i have a job i like that is 1,000 times less stressful, i have a Bear in Rolla that likes me and wants me, i have my wonderful friends in Springfield, i have the fucking best niblings in the world, too many things are positive in my life for me to turn into mush.

so, tonight is the last night of goofing off. i need to buckle up and get to The Work. i need to step up my reading and studying. i need to get going with the cleaning.

is this all going to happen overnight? no. will i have setbacks, in this month alone? yes? can i read one page a day? fuck yes, i can do at least that.

let’s get going.

weekly update

i am 97% done for the month, 9% done for the year, giving me a F.

but i got the crafting shelf organized! fuck yes!

and i got projects unearthed that i need to work on.

and i got an idea what i want to paint. i have small canvas i can try things out on before i get out the big one.

next week i need to work on getting the crafting table cleaned off and then the living room and the altars.

the next step i need to work on is stop the scrolling in bed and start reading more. at minimum, i need to work on that Halloween poem book and the Sylvia Plath book.

and to get on with the working out and meditating.

i am moving forward, in more then one way.

weekly update

i am 75% done for the month, 7% done for the year, giving me a F.

i am making forward progress on my weekends. i am cleaning and getting stuff done. what i am not doing is stuff during the week. i need to start doing something there.

i need to stop with the “doom scrolling” at night and just start reading in bed. i have too many books (just got 3 this week) and am not reading them. i saw a post where someone had a room floor covered with books they have not read, a foot or more deep.

i don’t want to be that person.

it also means i’m not going to the library for a while.

i also need to get on with working out and meditating.

and working towards the next level of my daily practice.

i did a post on Tumblr today that made me pause. it was about worshiping the Norse deities and said that start with what feels familiar/makes sense to you. after that, “Let your worship change as you develop a stronger interpersonal relationship with (and deeper understanding of) the deity you're venerating. You have complete freedom.”

i have fallen off the worshiping of Karpo that i don’t feel anything anymore. and last year made me rethink of how i ward my home and the adding of the seasonal oracle decks of Seasons of the Witch, i do have a lot of things in my head that i need to sit and work on.

but first, i need to clean this lair of mine.

maybe for Imbolc i can get the witchcraft rolling.

weekly update

i am 53% done with my January goals, 5% done for the year, giving me a F!

and we are only 3 days into this year!

i got my bedroom redone and i love it. there is more space. is it perfect? no but it will get tweaked as the year goes on.

i started on my vanity drawers. gods smack me if i buy another handkerchief.

after i wash them all, put them back into the vanity, i want to clean out the rest of that area. i know there are things i just need to toss and recognize what i have.

my plan is to start on one end of the basement and work my way towards the front. maybe by the end of the month i’ll be done? it would be nice.

i want everything to have a place, and not just a pile. i want to remember where i put things so they are not lost.

i think other parts of my life are in order that i feel the need to get my lair in order. a prim and proper order, and not this pile is the jean pile.

update

i’m still doing the cleaning. the last move is the crafting table and getting my new desk up and running.

i did get a new altar out of all of this. it’s stupid, with a Funko Pop of Sylvie and Loki (hey, god and goddess, am i right?) but it’s a place to burn a candle and some incense.

still coming up with more goals for 2026. i am working on them now, so it’s not like i’m just sitting here.

everything is fine. i have no need to come here and vent and moan and try to get my head right.

hell, i stopped morning papers because there was nothing in my head that needed to get out.

have i worked out all my issues? what is hidden so deep in me that it was not come out yet?

maybe i can start writing that new story in my head and work on that other project.

i am not being optimist about next year. i am being real and making small plans for everything. keep focusing on making myself better, not giving myself to anyone or anything, that will not serve me better.

well, it’s December

well, it’s December.

and there is nothing Christmasy in my life right now. it is great.

i have been off the last week or so and today i tried to fixed it.

i got up and started cleaning. i’ve started on the far end and am working towards the front.

got all the laundry put away, switch out my socks and jeans, and started working on an unfinished project from summer. i am trying to get things organized, each box with its own set of things.

my 2026 goals keep adding up and i am ever hopeful that i will get everything done. so far i am 17% done with January, so i got a start.

day 17

i am looking forward to my CD coming this week. then, i need to learn to rip it onto my phone. then one night this week, take a gummy and let the music wash over me and cleanse me of my sins.

i need to get cracking with my year goals. only got 84% of them done and i am hoping to make it to 90%. i am not going to kill myself getting them done but i want more.

it’s time to work on them and then to bed.

day 11

i am cashing in my Fetch points early (not waiting for $50) to get Everybody Scream by Florence and the Machine. i hope to get it by next week.

i’m thinking that maybe i won’t make it to 30 days with my mind/body/soul. i’m so use to doing this meditation that that i am not getting into as much as i should. i’m going to try for 2 weeks and then see where i am from there. tonight makes it day 6 so, half way there.

i keep thinking of things for my new story while at work. maybe this weekend i will get a chance to put some stuff on paper.

and i really need to clean. trash is bad and i want to put all my laundry away and try to tidy up some things before the New Year.

day 8

new goal plans.

i have mind/body/soul listed as a daily goal. i want to either work out, meditate, or do gummies, every day.

i have been bad at this. and now i’ve added stakes to it.

i have a book with a guided meditation cd. i’ve set myself the goal to do each session 15 times before i can go to the next one. that boils down to having to do mind/body/soul 30 days in a row.

so i’ve done the gummies two days, today is gonna be a meditate night. tomorrow will be a work out day, and so on.

i also need to up my daily practice. i need to read the book and see what is the next level.

only going up, from here to the end of the calendar year.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

blar and update

another week of just moving the barest of inches.

i keep adding to this year’s goals and, am i pushing myself or just insane? or both?

i need to stop with the time wasting of phone and video game. i need to focus on The Work.

it’s also the idea that it is still August and nothing is suppose to get done in August. i have hit my goal for September already so, working on October.

weekly update

done for the month, 66% done for the year, giving me a B grade.

i am working on September’s goals right now.

did the witchcraft yesterday, tonight it is getting the full moon treatment.

and it’s the 1st full moon of summer. THE full moon for love magic!

is my witchcraft love magic? kinda? maybe? ain’t all magic love magic?

i need a drink.