good morning.
it seems that my depression is getting the best of me. i’m not showering when i should and all i want to do is sleep.
i had a weekend off and none of that time was for me. even today, i have to go to The Store for reasons.
so, maybe next Wednesday then? a day off and stay home?
i am slowly working on my 2023 goals and getting that shit done. i wish i had the gumption to get up and clean more but, an inch is an inch.
it’s the fear of being better. what will happen to me if i am better. “if i show my family i am not a loser?” what will become of me then?
i need to eat breakfast.
if i try, i can win for the year.
new plans, i will sit and relax Saturday night. i don’t know how but i will.
i need to sit down and write out some harder plans for what i want to get done before 2023. there are ideas in my head but i want some plans on paper.
this week has been a week and i want, no. i want to be in a routine of sorts by 2023. i want things to happen on certain days and live that life.
and that will take planning and working.
i think i really need to work on getting my crafting table cleared off so i can make some stuff that will go with my plans.
and then i can clean out and reorganized my bedroom.
and then the living room needs a clean out.
and prep some ideas for Days of Bowie.
i need to get a notebook and do some work in it.
i’m just going to drink and watch Yellowstone.
I want to be Better.
To be Better, I need to put in The Work.
To put in The Work, I need to work.
And that is the stopping stone.
From the top, what will happen to me if/when I am Better?
Define Better: being better means a clean living space, working out, a daily practice of my religion, a sense that my time off is dedicated to creativity and not to catching up with life.
Clean living space- it means what it means. Everything is put away, trash gone, closet organized, bathroom sparkles, there is no need for overhaul, just upkeep. Clean to let Babies come down. Clean so Colt can visit.
Working Out- putting in the time to move my body to get healthier, to get stronger.
Daily practice- become more magickal. To connect to what is out there, establish ties to the other worlds, aspire to a higher life. I want to my Mystical!
Time off- I feel I don’t own my time. I feel that because I don’t do “The Work” because WORK is soul-sucking, eye bleeding, mind-destroying, I need “Rest,” and then I feel guilty about “Rest” as I see it as laziness, that fucking Puritan thought-form.
I don’t come from Puritan. I come from English Quakers and German Lutherans.
I need to reset my thought into action. Easier said than done.
This power has to come from within, in a long, slow, painful procedure.
To get Better.
I haven’t done this spread in a while, and I need some directions.
I have Ace of Wands. Yes, I have all this new in me. I have made plans, but I just can’t get off my ass and do the things!
I want Reversed 6 of Swords. I want to stay in a rut? That’s that fear creeping into my mind. I want to move, but I just feel unable to.
I don’t think Reversed Sun. Too much good times in my life right now….
I feel Reversed Queen of Wands. YES! I don’t feel anything right now! I work retail, and with Black Friday and Christmas coming towards me like a black train of death, I have stress and anxiety! Good times!
Overall: Chariot. Fuck, I need to focus on what I want and then act on it…
by the stats i am doing good. i don’t know if i will hit a 100% for the year but i am trying.
let me see if i can put this in human words.
i forgot my books and tried to entertain myself during my lunch hour.
of course, i had Florence and the Machine blasting away. i have been on STRONG kick with her music of late.
now, by the end of the day i felt blar. it wasn’t a bad day, it wasn’t a good day, it wasn’t a mid day, it was just a day that made me feel blar all over.
and while that feeling was washing all over me, there was another feeling.
at some point, i posted this:
Why do I feel that just boiling under my skin is my greatest power? Like, between this backpack of notebooks and black pens, I’m going to find something profound?
i know that reading Kissing the Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle and listening to Florence and the Machine has been resetting my mind. i feel that if i keep this up, i’m going to open a portal and leave this realm.
and i don’t know what this great knowledge is, where it’s coming from, or what’s it’s going to be. i just had this wave wash over that, it’s coming. ready or not, it’s coming for me.
somehow i lost time and just now realized that next week is Thanksgiving.
oh joy.
i need to work on getting things better, in the basement. i made some progress and then stop. i need to get the next leg done and keep on plugging away.
the big kicker is, once i have a spot clean, is to keep it that way. i need to go back to reading that cleaning workbook.
it snowed.
i got a wind of inspiration for my vampire story.
i got too in my head when i first tried writing it. i wanted it to be “real” and fuck it. there is no need for it to be real. it’s a vampire fairy tale. i can Disney the edges of it.
hello darkness my old, old friend.
been off for 4 days and didn’t get anything done.
and i don’t know what to do about that.
i thought the herbal stuff i order would help and it did not give me the wham that it did the first time so, i haven’t used it since.
i hate to say that being off from work is not helping because work gives me structure.
along with that, i not not try NaNoWriMo. i had a set of prompts and idea and went with it.
and i just don’t have the passion for fiction, right now. i don’t want to go down the poetry path, because i’m not that depressed 20 something white girl anymore.
non-fiction? do i have it in me to write real words on tarot? that’s only 642 words per card to write a book on it. what do i have to say about the tarot that hasn’t been said already?
weekly update
it’s going.
i need to make a tarot planner. i need to just make some calendar pages and sort out the moon readings i want to do.
and i might just thought out the want of zodiac because i can not find the info i want.
it’s been a nice few days off.
i am not finding what i want for moon signs. i don’t know what to do but make my up own thing for it and i don’t want to do that.
or i might. i don’t know.
i never plan on going down this path of worrying about moon signs with my card readings. with this idea of me making my own planner, and even crazier of maybe publishing it, i just want to be sure of it.
ate Taco Bell, got nothing at Barns and Nobel, and Black Panther was good!
dropped the ball last night. posting something tonight.
Babies came over. best thing of the night? opossum hunting with Mutt Hubert.
we did find one, an angelic white one.
they started playing Christmas music at the store today.
i hate it here.
i have a question.
next March will be 18 years since i did my self-dedication ritual and started studying/practicing witchcraft. i know there has been some dry years in that mix but it feels that the last 4 years, i have been getting my shit together.
and in the last month, i have started following a lot more witches on Tumblr. people who seem to know what they are doing and smart about it and then find out they have been practicing for a few years.
and i keep thinking i need to throw open the ask options and the voice n my head say no, you don’t know anything.
i am not not happy with my practice. i think i need to rethink on who i am and where i want to go.
i think i need to build a daily practice. i think i need to rethink the witch part and the religion part.
i think this is another goal of 2023.
woke up to the power being out. it was out for about 2 hours.
it set me back on wanting to do things and well, the day was thrown out.
i tried the drops Kelly gave me, hoping it would work its magick on me and it didn’t. will try tomorrow.
i think if the power had been out for a bit more, i would have done something. i know what i need to do tomorrow, because we are getting the beef Monday.
the air has been stuffy today and now i’m freaking cold. i need to take a shower, drink, watch AHS and study a new deck, any of them.
if i’m stilling doing it, i’m 106% for the month, 97% for the year, giving me an A+.
other then that, i am working on my 2023 goals and getting that shit done.
and tonight’s NaNoWriMo ain’t happening. i just want to tune in and drop out tonight.
