almost there...

last update for fucking August!

this August has not been as bad as year’s past. i don’t know what happen to me or August but, we made it.

i am remembering other Augusts. the one where i saw Guardians of the Galaxy and didn’t write for a whole month because i could not image that i would have 2 guys, TWO, sitting with my at Chili’s, one stocking my thigh, the other my arm , both of them loving me. my inner 4-year-old was beside herself.

and now i’m toying with the idea of being someone’s boyfriend.

i am done with all my September’s goals. i want to start new stuff. i want to try to get into a daily practice, get back into my witchcraft books, become a better witch.

i feel that i am becoming better is many areas, that i need to step up my witchcraftness.

i am trying to be off my phone more and stop playing computer games that don’t go anywhere.

Bless me Mother, for I am queer

“Bless me Mother, for I am queer.”

“Baby Gurl, you were born this way.”

“No, it’s more complicated than that.”

“Go on.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Try.”

“You know how there are women on the internet and how they only dated men and then started dating woman and had a whole ass epiphany?”

“Yes…”

“It has happened to me.”

“Wait, I thought you were texting a guy?”

“AMAB.”

“Do I need to open a bottle are you going to get with it?”

“Ok, so he’s listed as man/non-binary and bisexual and having gone on one date, is very queer. And I have only dated cis-het men.”

“What about bisexual Matthew?”

“I don’t think anything about him was real, including him saying he was bi.

“Anyway, the way he flirts with me, hits on my queerness like nothing before. With Colt, it’s fun to play straight because we’re not. With Him, we give off the idea of cis-het but we are not.

“You know how I like to dress as Dean Winchester in the winter months and that give me all the gender euphoria? I feel so fem when I dress butch.

“I was dressed fem for the date and he made me feel butch.”

“How was that?”

“I was surprised but I like it.”

“And today?”

“I mention I felt like I could fight a bear and that I know I can take a twink out and He said the last line was beautiful and that ‘There is definitely a bear interested in taking you on….’”

“Oh my.”

“And then there was something I said out loud.”

“What was it?”

“I said out loud that I want to be his boyfriend. It goes with the fact He uses all pronouns and I could say, ‘She’s my boyfriend.’”

“But you don’t like male pronouns and honorifics. Expect to be called Daddy.”

“Four-year-old me would be so surprised that instead of wanting a boyfriend, to want to be a boyfriend.”

“He makes you feel like a real queer.”

“I don’t like how you said it but it’s true. I feel like he sees my queerness. He sees that part that is me. He sees me like I want to see myself.”

“Nicole never made you feel queer?”

“It’s different with her. I think because she’s fem and I’m fem that we give off lesbian vibes. It’s not that I have to prove anything with her.”

“Is it because Matthew never saw you as queer but that you had all the right parts?”

“Is it because he’s a “guy” and he sees me as queer?”

“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.”

“Yes Mother.”

fantastic

it was fantastic.

the movie: 2 hours of Pedro Pascal. what more could a Marvel girl ask for? for reals, after watching the other 3 Fantastic Four movies (MY GODS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE 2015 ONE?!?!?!) i think this one was just right.

now, on to the date.

i live too much in my head.

it was wonderful. he was a perfect gentleman. he open doors and paid for dinner and the movie.

he’s so different from anything i ever dealt with.

we talked. it felt like he was giving me all his red flags and i can deal with them.

i like him. i really like him.

and i dressed fem up for this date. and at one point i just felt so butch next to him. and it was nice to feel that way.

i want to do it again.

PRIDE, Day 29

What first made you realize you were queer?

 

Tumblr.  Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 27

Tell me something you really like about yourself.

 

I am fucking happy right now.  Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 25

Do you prefer to use really specific labels, vague labels, no labels, or a combination for yourself?

 

It depends on whom I’m with.

On Tinder I say I am listed as asexual, demisexual, queer, beyond binary.

Often, I list myself as a queer witch when asked what gender I am.

I like the vagueness of queer. Ya don’t know what exactly you are getting but you know it ain’t straight.

And if you want my very specific label, I am assigned female at birth non-binary, demisexual.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 23

What's a little thing that's really gender affirming for you?

 

I have always wanted a nose ring. I finally got one on my 41st birthday. It was just a small crystal stud. When I saw my face with it, I almost started crying.

This is how my face was supposed to look like. I was always to have a nose ring.

It made me feel more like myself.

I tried a hoop and it did not work. I have been rocking a stud and it’s been the best thing for me. 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 21

Tell me about an outfit that makes you feel really good about yourself, or alternatively, an outfit you'd love to wear.

 

Give me jeans, t-shirt, flannel over that, black hoodie over that, hair up under a black Carhart stocking cap, that’s where it is.

Pic is the closest I have to that outfit. 

 

 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 19

Have you ever tried drag? Is it something you'd like to do?

 

I’m non-binary so everyday feels like drag.

As being the drag queen/king, no I haven’t.

I do keep coming up with an idea of a drag king idea. I don’t know if I ever get it out of my head and onto a stage.  Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 17

Have you ever changed your name? If so, how did you choose your name (or names if you use multiple)?

 

STORY TIME! 

When I was in college, I was a Music Ed Major. I had to go to many shows. There was always a sign-in sheet to prove I was there. 

I started signing my whole Catholic name, A** M******* E******** R**********. I would print it out and take up large amount of space on the paper. 

I forgot who told me I was taking up too much space, I started using my initials: AMER. My voice teacher saw that and said “Oh, amer. That’s bitter in French!” 

And I ran with it. I dubbed myself Amerwitch and claimed it where I could on the internet. 

And now that I learned that amer is the masculine form, I love it even more.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 15

When did you first figure out you were queer? Do you still use the same labels you did back then?

 

Once upon a time I was Tumblr and through scrolling I found the word asexual and then demisexual. Once I found the world demisexual, I knew that was for me. That was about 10 years ago.

Non-binary was found out 5 years ago. I am AFAB and after thoughts, I realized that I didn’t want to be a woman any more. I sure as shit don’t want to be a man. And after some thoughts, I decided on the term non-binary.

And really, the colors of the asexual flag are pretty and the non-binary flag pairs will with it.

DiD yOu PiCk YoUr SeXuAlItY aNd GeNdEr BaSeD oN tHe FlAg DeSiGnS?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Non-binary is the term and flag I feel the best about for my gender.

I keep seeing more microlables and flags and some of them seem better to describe me. Asexual is a nice umbrella term that I stand under.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 13

Are there any pronouns you really like but don't use?

 

There are no pronouns that I don’t like, in general. For me, I am still trying to sort things out as a she/her non-binary.

 Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I am not who I was

“Bless me Mother for I am not who I was.”

“And who are you, dear child?”

“You may not know but I was once a 20 something that met a rando on the internet (at the time it was scary and everyone you met off the internet was a serial ax murder) and willing to drive 3 hours, to the BIG CITY, to pick them up from the airport, to bring them to my house.”

“And now what?”

“I am a 40 something that is scared to drive an hour to a Small City, that i know really well, to meet a rando (who seems really nice) at PRIDE.”

“You have fallen.”

“I have grown up and much more jaded.”

“That too.”

“I haven’t done this shit in over 20 years.”

“You need to get out there!”

“I know that! I am trying! I didn’t think it would be this hard, finding a human I like.”

“Well, you are on Tinder.”

“At one point I was getting better results on Grindr.”

“Gurl.”

“I never once lied on that app.”

“Anyway, about PRIDE. Whatcha wearing?”

“Jeans and my purple shirt. Makeup is gonna be a smear of glitter eyeshadow. And I got my pin that says ‘I only look straight.’”

“Classy.”

“I just don’t know if I give off queer vibes or not. Gods, I don’t want to be looked at as an ally.”

“Eww.”

“I know.”

“Well, I hope to take your confession after PRIDE and I hope it is a juicy one.”

“Mother!”

“Get it Gurl!”

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 9

What's your favorite form of self-expression?

 

I like screaming into the void. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 7

How would you describe your sexual and/or romantic orientation?

 

Panromantic demisexual. 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 5

What's your favorite thing about being queer?

 

I feel free from anything that is “white woman” coded because I am not a woman.

Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 3

How would you describe your gender identity?

Non-binary! Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 1

Have you ever been to a pride event?

Not yet. Prompts can be found here.