hello September!

hello September!

the weather cooled off and it’s getting nippy at times. last night i went to the backyard and tried to feel for Autumn. i didn’t, but it’s getting there.

tomorrow is the last full moon of summer and i am doing some magic. the three of us, me, Nicole, and Colt, have been lacking in physical contact of late (like 2 years ago being the avenge) and i made a spell for it. we all deserve some action, with benefits. what’s the point of being a witch if you can’t throw some magic out there for friends and yourself?

trying to set up a 2nd date with Izzy. first time i’ve used their name here. they use all the pronouns so, just watch out on the ones that pop up around them/him/her.

i like him. that’s all i can say right now. i like him, txting him is great, he’s a delight.

and that spell is to help things along…

i need to make a list of herbs i need in my stash of witchcraft supplies. i have no garlic or chili pepper in my stash. i need to look it over hard and make a list of what i need.

Bless me Mother, for I am queer

“Bless me Mother, for I am queer.”

“Baby Gurl, you were born this way.”

“No, it’s more complicated than that.”

“Go on.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Try.”

“You know how there are women on the internet and how they only dated men and then started dating woman and had a whole ass epiphany?”

“Yes…”

“It has happened to me.”

“Wait, I thought you were texting a guy?”

“AMAB.”

“Do I need to open a bottle are you going to get with it?”

“Ok, so he’s listed as man/non-binary and bisexual and having gone on one date, is very queer. And I have only dated cis-het men.”

“What about bisexual Matthew?”

“I don’t think anything about him was real, including him saying he was bi.

“Anyway, the way he flirts with me, hits on my queerness like nothing before. With Colt, it’s fun to play straight because we’re not. With Him, we give off the idea of cis-het but we are not.

“You know how I like to dress as Dean Winchester in the winter months and that give me all the gender euphoria? I feel so fem when I dress butch.

“I was dressed fem for the date and he made me feel butch.”

“How was that?”

“I was surprised but I like it.”

“And today?”

“I mention I felt like I could fight a bear and that I know I can take a twink out and He said the last line was beautiful and that ‘There is definitely a bear interested in taking you on….’”

“Oh my.”

“And then there was something I said out loud.”

“What was it?”

“I said out loud that I want to be his boyfriend. It goes with the fact He uses all pronouns and I could say, ‘She’s my boyfriend.’”

“But you don’t like male pronouns and honorifics. Expect to be called Daddy.”

“Four-year-old me would be so surprised that instead of wanting a boyfriend, to want to be a boyfriend.”

“He makes you feel like a real queer.”

“I don’t like how you said it but it’s true. I feel like he sees my queerness. He sees that part that is me. He sees me like I want to see myself.”

“Nicole never made you feel queer?”

“It’s different with her. I think because she’s fem and I’m fem that we give off lesbian vibes. It’s not that I have to prove anything with her.”

“Is it because Matthew never saw you as queer but that you had all the right parts?”

“Is it because he’s a “guy” and he sees me as queer?”

“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.”

“Yes Mother.”

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

optimist

let’s focus on the good things.

i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.

i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.

i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.

i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.

i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.

i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.

i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

not county but cunty

Mom made my shirt. the material is small squares of various shades of pink plaids. i told her this was the shirt i was going to wear to the bar when i hit it with Nicole and Colt.

it’s done. it’s so more county looking then i thought it was going to be.

i can’t go goth in this shirt. i was almost wanting to chuck it and then i remember “not county but cunty.”

i have tried to look up Chappell Roan makeup looks and, i’m not made for this.

back to some bad ideas and throwing eye shadow on my face.

Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive

“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”

“That’s always a good sign.”

“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”

“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”

“I went alone.”

“How asexual of you.”

“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.

“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”

“Kind of creepy, go on.”

“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.

“How was the movie?”

“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”

“End scene?”

“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”

“Springfield is in-”

“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”

“O… K… What happen after the movie?”

“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.

“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”

“Tipped 30%?”

“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.

“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”

“Making good choices I see.”

“I spend a 100 at the store.”

“What the hell did you get?”

“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”

“Why?”

“Witchcraft.”

“Is that all you going to say about it?”

“And then I came home.”

“That’s all?”

“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”

“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”

“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

“But you did this all on your own.”

“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”

“Fuck right.”

“Fuck. Right.”

weekly update

i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.

i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.

i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.

i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.

i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.

there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.

it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.

i don't know

how am i?

not good bitch.

i think stress is slowly eating at me and i don’t know what to do to stop it beside just start heavily drinking every night.

the one place is out of my CBD gummies. i got some destressing things from store and i don’t know how well they will work. i took some this morning and didn’t see any difference. will try again tomorrow night.

i even skipped a day of cards. i know that is not a good sign.

i did get my crafting table cleared off, and my side desk organized. i think i need to so my main desk next (if not tonight) to get things looking better.

i am working on 2025 goals right now. i’m 2ish % done for the next year and keep working on things.

i worked on my oracle deck yesterday. i need to make a spread sheet for it and print off what i have done and give it a look over. maybe send some info to Nicole for a second set of eyes.

AND! i got Colt to agree to watch Buffy. it took me some 20 mins and i am to watch Once Upon a Time to boot.

20 mins. it took breaking up for Matthew to start watching Peaky Blinders, after years of me telling him he would like it.

Colt is showing me what a real man is. he is setting the bar very high for any dude who wants to partner up with me.

i am trying to watch Dune so i can move onto the Bene Gesserit show that is out now.

Bless me Mother for I have sinned

“Bless me Mother for I have sinned. It has been since the last millennium since I have been to confession.”

“You sound like a vampire.”

“Maybe I am.”

“What did you do?”

“It was my birthday weekend.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Let’s just say I got sent a dick pic and a vag pic on my birthday. And a tattoo.”

“This is going to take a while, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

*pops open a can of something* “Start confessin’.”

“It’s not the whole trip I want to deal with, it’s just two things I want to focus on.”

“Hit me.”

“The first is my tattoo.”

“I saw the ink, 3 of Swords from the tarot?”

“Yes. It hit me one day that’s what I wanted and I just went with it.

“I thought I wanted it all black but, just the outline. I can color in the heart and maybe the swords with makeup later. To match my mood or my outfit.”

“Maybe some glitter?”

“Only at the gay bar. Speaking of that…”

“Do you remember that night?”

“Like Jim Steinman said, ‘I remember everything.’

“But, back to the tattoo.

“I get to the shop and talk to my artist, Johnny. He thought I wanted an anatomical accurate heart and I’m like no. I pulled out my deck to show him the card and he asked if he could take a picture of it, to work up a sketch. I felt better, knowing that my tattoo will be my deck.”

“The 3 of Swords from the Rider–Waite-Smith deck? That’s basic. You Google it and it shows up. Why would it matter if it was from your deck or the internet?”

“Because my deck has my energy in it. I work with this deck, it knows me. It holds my energy. It’s not just a tattoo of any 3 of Swords, it’s a tattoo of my favorite card from the deck I use.”

“Fair. Keep confessin’.”

“When he was prepping me, I asked if that was his kindergarten diploma on the wall. He said yes, it was and it was to prove he knew his shapes and colors. I was in good hands with an educated man.

“And I sat and got it done.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Yes and no. There was pain but I have had mensural cramps so bad I was on the floor crying. This was a piece of cake.”

“Nice. What about the bar?”

“Cut to the bone I see.”

“Hit me with the deets!”

“It started at Chili’s with me and Nicole looking like a gothic lesbian couple with our severely under-dressed boyfriend. I gave them my phone, told them my password, and let Colt go crazy on Tinder. That’s how I got the dick and vag pics.

“Who’s-”

“Not answering.

“We then make out way to the bar, the long way. At one point I asked Colt how far he has gone with a girl.”

“And?”

“And he told me and that’s my truth to keep.

“Whatever. When are we getting to the super heavy stuff?”

“At the bar I, I did too much of everything. I took too many drugs and was drinking all the booze but the stronger kicker was when I got hit on.”

“You what? No, this was a men’s gay bar, you and Nicole were the only women there.”

*glares in queerness*

“My bad. You were the only lesbian looking bitches there.”

“Yeah. He brought me a drink and Colt and Nicole were very happy about it.”

“Where did it go wrong?”

“So, here’s where it’s gets complicated.

“It took me a long time before I realized why part of it threw me so hard.

“I am not wired for casual. With Colt and Nicole there, I felt a pressure to be ready to marry the next man to walk into my life. Or at least to fuck him.

“Like that night, be ready to go all the way.”

“They were not, were they?”

“I asked them later and separate and they both gave me the correct answer. They wanted me to have fun.

“And then the night got bad.

“I scared off Austin, I was not feeling anymore and got tooken home by Colt. I made it inside the hotel bathroom before throwing up.”

“Oh, it had to be bad if you threw up.”

“Colt watched me undressed and I badly wanted to strip down to my underwear but my poor body image stopped me.

“And I passed out in my bed. Woke up with no hang over.”

“That’s my girl.”

“And that was the big strokes of my birthday. There are smaller things to think about but, time may erase them from me.”

“Don’t get all poetic on me now.”

“So, what’s my penance?”

“Well, you did the spells on Halloween. You are out there, ish. You are making plans to be better for next year.”

“There’s a lot of books I want to read.”

“I think your penance should be a badder badass.”

“Yes, because bitches with tattoos should not act like I did.”

*takes a shot* “Fuck yeah.”

i'm awake

i have been rethinking so much. throwing out things, adding things, getting back into a groove, starting a new groove.

this time tomorrow it will be October. i will be on vacation, and getting ever so closer to my birthday.

i am ready to be in Springfield and be with Colt and Nicole.

i am ready for the next chapter to start. i’m ready for this new change to get into me and for me to move forward with it.

i was going with the idea of a spiritual awaking and now i’m thinking this is some form of a mid-life crises.

i just wonder how i’m having a mid-life crisis without having a life.

Let's. Fucking. Go.

 sometimes it's not the story we tell but how we tell it...

 

“Are you ever going to write about your trip to Springfield?”

“No, I am going to let that weekend rot away into the dark.”

“You had fun. You came home with an opossum.”

“And a snapper.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The snapper?”

“The whole fucking weekend!”

“I was a grown up and booked the hotel room and rented the car all by myself. It was the first steps for this weekend.

“I felt better once I got the car, the 2023 new shiny object named Charlotte.

“I loaded up the car to find out the fucking car has no USB port. It’s all C ports.”

“What the hell?”

“And it didn’t like Google maps and I wasn’t going to subscribe for a few days and I am so fucking tired of everything being a subscription-based life.

“I’m on the road, listening to my podcast, made it all the way to Springfield without crying. I make it to Chili’s and txt Nicole for our lunch date.”

“How adult of you.”

“I know!

“Anyway, we lunch, I get my nose pierced, I buy a tarot deck, and set up an appointment for a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?!?”

“Yeah. We will talk about that later.”

“Much later.”

“I make it back to the hotel and crank the air down to ice and just relax. I have the whole room to myself, and unpack.

“I loved the fact that I will be the only one in this room. That I have full control over where things and how I can keep it neat.

“I lay on the bed, pop out my tablet and keep on my rewatch of Gray’s Anatomy.”

“Was that the only thing you watch?”

“Yes. I started way back in March and I was able to keep going. No time wasting going over all the different streaming services, no time wasted scrolling thought all the shows and movies just to watch the same fucking movie, over and over.”

“Or watching something for an hour and then switching to something else and being told that you are not watching, even thought you had no desire to watch the show and told said person that.”

“None of that fuckery happen.”

“Tell me about Colt.”

“He came over, Nicole came over. Next time, I want a pizza party, an old fashion slumber party type.”

“How is our DarkShark?”

“His ass was giving him problems.”

“He is an ass.”

“It happens.”

“Not the brightest crayon in the box but he’s our favorite color.”

“It was a fun small night. They go home and I am left with a king size bed all to myself.”

“Not just an ass width on the edge?”

“The whole fucking thing.”

“Nice.”

“Wake up, made a Walmart run for breakfast, fucking app is worthless, back to the room and then Nicole comes over and we make our way the Alamo for the movie.”

“Tell me about the movie! Give me all the spoilers!”

“I watched all the X-men cartoons, the new olds, and then a watch/rewatch of all the X-Men movies. I could see where Fox was going with the movies but, they lack heart. They kept throwing in more and more characters that just show up for a movie and then to be never seen again and, why? What’s the point of a one-night stand?”

“Are you just spoiled with having the MCU?”

“Maybe.”

“Did you watch the Deadpool movies?”

“Yes. And the weird thing about those movies, they felt they had heart.”

“Heart? Deadpool?”

“First one was a love story, 2nd was a found family thing. With all the fourth wall breaking and f-bombs, they had heart. They had a story. They made you care. X-Men just felt they forced a story on you, based on the love of the comic and cartoons.”

“It’s hard to care about characters when you don’t have any emotional attachment to them and the movie is banking on some feels from a cartoon show you were supposed to base your childhood on.”

“Fair. What about this movie?”

“Deadpool is about sacrilegious. And they started off with sacrilegious. And the movie went off from there.”

“What was your favorite parts?”

“Well, Chris Evans showed up and right when we thought he was gonna yell ‘Avengers assemble’ he yelled ‘Flame on.’”

“No!”

“And I didn’t think I was going to go so feral when Blade showed up.”

“Blade!”

“Wesley still has it.

“And then, he showed up.”

“Who?!?”

“Channing Tatum as Gambit.”

“Oh, my gods. They went there.”

“They went to a lot of places. One of them had comic book accurate short Wolverine.”

“You thought of him, right there, didn’t you?”

“Yes. I thought of him off and on during the movie.”

“He’s not coming back.”

“It’s a matter of I am not taking him back. Back to the movie!

“Overall, that movie had heart. It was a buddy flick of found familyness?”

“Did they kiss?”

“The Internet has deemed the fight scene in the van as them fucking.”

“Nice.”

“After the movie, we made our way to Bass Pro Shop to find an opossum. I did not think it would be so fucking hard to find an opossum at freaking Bass Pro Shop. Tons of penguins to buy.

“Nicole found an opossum, right after I found a snapping turtle. My budget was $50, both were $20 and both came home.

“We decide in the parking lot that Nicole would stay home and me and Colt would hit the bar that night.

“Colt took a nap.”

“You haven’t napped since the Reagan administration.”

“Damn right.

“I woke his ass up, we went to Taco Bell, and then the bar,”

“And the drinking and gummies?”

“Yes.”

“Do anything fun?”

“Well, I’m Tinder now.”

“How’s that going?”

“I gave Colt my phone and he is going on Tinder and I am like ‘No!!!!’ and he is SWIPEING RIGHT!

“Then we are chatting with a guy and I don’t know what I am doing and Colt just unmatched me with him because Colt said something (I am drunk, it is loud, and it’s been a few days since this happen) about how this guy isn’t respecting me and that Colt respects me.

“And then the other morning it hits me hard: Colt kept asking me if I was ok, all night long. If Matthew was there, he would be asking me what he was doing wrong.

“Colt was asking about me. Because he cares about me. To make sure I was ok while taking in all the alcohol and pot and the vibes of the places.

“Colt is the better boyfriend. He sees me as a whole person. I am more than just parts to fuck; I am a whole human to him.

“OH! And then the witchcraft stuff I discover!”

“At the bar?”

“Yes!

“I am at the bar. I am drunk. I am high. The music. The lights. It hits me.

“This is how my ancestors use to do it. They would eat the mushroom, and with the firelights in the caves and the drums beating, this is how they did it, this is how I am doing it now. Eons have pasted and this is the same thread.”

“What about the other things?”

“So, it hits me before seeing Dr. Strange a few years back that if crystals can store energy, and crystals are just fancy rocks, then the rocks from back yard can store energy and I can store the energy from the bar into a rock and take it home. And I did it.

“So, while at the bar this time, I just let everything in me.”

“That’s what she said.”

“ANYWAY, I don’t know if it’s because I work retail or just the way I am, I feel that I am always shielding so hard, nothing can get in or out.

“So, when I went to the backyard to do some praying a few days after I came back, I hit me.

“While in the bar, I was taking in the energy, vibes. It was in me. I woke up the next day needing a cheeseburger because I wasn’t grounded.

“If rocks can store energy and our bones are stones, then all those vibes of the bar are in me, it’s stored in my bones. I carry that with me, at all times. I don’t need a rock or that.”

“Oh wow.”

“I know.

“Sunday was spent visiting my people. It was good quality time. Sunday night was a whole pizza for myself and TV time.

“Monday, I left, driving out of the city in a way that would make Colt proud of me.”

“That’s scary to think about.”

“I made it home.”

“You had a good time.”

“I had a wonderful time. It’s been a month and I am going back 36 odd days.”

“For your birthday?”

“Yes.”

“Gonna party like it’s 1999?”

“Fuck yeah.”

“Let’s fucking go then.”

Happy Pride!

Happy Pride!

i am 90% done for the month, 49% done for the year, giving me a C-.

i have changed so many different goals the past few weeks. i am seeing clearer and wanting to get to a certain place.

i need to WRITE. i know i need to pen to paper, and tailor it to a letter to NiColt.

right now, i want to clean.

This Spiritual Awaking has been a trip

Card of the Months was Judgment, spiritual awaking. I thought it was going to be fun and games. 

 I thought.

It hit me last night. Dad died in ’18, took ’19 off and on January 1st, 2020, this is it! This is the year we move forward!

It was not.

I’m days away of going back to The Field, seeing Nicole and Colt, doing a Marvel movie weekend. I know I did one last year but this one feels so much different.

Everything seems like it was, before the plague started. This all feels, normal.

I am going to come back different, and I am praying that it will be for the better.

the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

Yeah, it's been a while, and I have been thinking about how I wanted to write about my birthday weekend.

Inspired by a Tumblr post I saw, I'm calling this style Shotgun Journaling.

Here we go!

 

SUNDAY!

• I put in a request to get off an hour early on Tuesday. It wasn't auto-approved, and I asked Alynn about it. He said I did it too early, so a manager needs to approve it. I tell Pat when she walks in. She said she would take care of it.

MONDAY!

• I get to work and see that my hour off was approved, and I was taken off the schedule for Tuesday.
• The look on Tina's face as I said that and her thought that I would take the day off and make her do RDFR.
• I would not leave her like that.
• I get off work to head off to get my haircut.
• I call Matthew.
• He dropped the bomb that the $600 I sent him to rent the car for my birthday went to cover bills, and the check he thought was coming towards him went to his dad's facility, and he canceled the rental.
• I pull over in Bland to move money around to send him another $600 to get the car.
• I was pissed he canceled without telling me.
• I get my haircut, eyebrows done and get lost on the way home due to not getting my GPS to work.
• It was a fucking day.

TUESDAY, BIRTHDAY EVE!

• Everything is fine.
• Pat didn't know what happen with my schedule.
• I said I wasn't late because I came in on my day off.
• Work was done, and I was on my merry way.
• I get to Rolla and make my way to Taco Bell, fighting a fucking roundabout! They put a roundabout on 63! What the fuck?!?
• Why was the traffic terrible on I-70? Could it be the crash that was up the road that led to a fire? Glad I'm going in the other direction!
• Road construction led to me going in the wrong direction.
• The car did not heat up, thank gods.
• BUT THERE WAS ROAD CONTRACTION!!!
• I-70 was one lane. There was a cement barrier put up.
• The Mo-Dot guys were leaning over the barrier to do something on my side, as I was driving, sorta off the road and on the shoulder, with a fucking semi RIDING MY ASS!
• I was stressed.
• At some part Matthew calls me and tells me he can't rent a car.
• His mother rented a car, listed him as the 2nd driver, didn't pay her bill, so he can't rent one.
• I will have to.
• I will drop-kick this woman into the next world, at some time.
• Because I work at The Store, I got a hell of a discount.
• And Matthew couldn't be listed as a driver.
• I took that car on the interstate to get up to 70, and just, I WANT A NEW CAR!
• Matthew drove the car for the weekend, all illegally, so, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
• WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO SPRINGFIELD!
• I take a gummy.
• Stopped at McD's, got snacks at Wal-Mart, and made it to the hotel.
• I text Colt, and, long story short, I set off into the night to drive to his place.
• I think this was my first booty call.
• And trying to learn to drive a car at night is not a thing I recommend. I didn't know I didn't have my headlights on when I pulled out onto the road. :-/
• I make it to his place, and he's an ass and won't tell me the number of his place.
• His place was like Spock's quarters from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, mood lighting, wax warmer and/or oil diffuser, and him high as a kite.
• I wasn't allowed on the bed.
• We talked, he offered me gummies, and thanks to my D.A.R.E. training, I said no!
• He wanted me to stay the night.
• And then he said something about being the better boyfriend.

And can we stop for a moment to talk about this?

Once upon a time, I was a polyamorous asexual, in love with two queer cis men. We went on dates as a trio. Me and Colt went on dates as a couple. It was great. I was loved, and it helped me deal with some teenage trauma.

And then I came out as non-binary, and he walked away from me for over a year.

It's only been a year since we started talking. After a rough reintroduction last December (nach before Spider-Man: No Way Home), we fell back into old patterns hard, like the whole missing 15, 16 months was nothing.

And I know there are many texts about the idea of forgiveness on my phone that should be reread.

So, to the outside world, nothing happened, and we are happily in love.

But I can not let myself fall fully, and there is still the pause about trusting him 100%.

AssButt, we ain't boyfriend/girlfriend. You are my best friend, and I'll be a ride-or-die witch for you, but you broke me too much to love you like a boyfriend.

Can we get back to that place? Yes. Will we? It's up to you.

• Where were we?
• Pizza, cherry Dr. Pepper is not his jam (whatever loser), The Emperor's New Groove, and I went back to the hotel.
• Matthew said I could have stayed the night.
• Fuckers, get your shit together. I don't know the rules for booty calls, and a bitch of my age should have younger men flickering toward her.

Wednesday!

• It's my birthday!
• Spirit Halloween, witchcraft store, AND Barns and Noble!
• I got my Marvel oracle cards! They came out the day before and the witchcraft store had them! I am in love with them!
• My dinner.
• All I wanted was for me, Matthew, Nicole, and Cole to sit down at Chili's and for me not to pay. That's all I wanted for my birthday, and I got that.
• Nicole got me a broom pen, a card that was a Where's Waldo puzzle (Colt played with it), and a pink Oogie Boogie keychain.
• Colt tried to get me the Supernatural tarot deck, but I already had it. I didn't want anything from him but for him to be there. He had to leave early for work but-
• I had dinner with the people that have seen me at my best and worst.
• Nicole and I talked in the parking lot, and then it was back to the hotel with Matthew for the night.

And that were the big points of the weekend.

Matthew and I went to Nicole's house and met her dogs.

 

Can I say a word about my outfit that day? Jeans, black tank top, my sandals, hair up in two buns with my back bat dude rag over it.

Add my mens purse, and I felt like a butch lesbian. With Matthew in tow, I felt like I was giving out bi-wife energy.

 

I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a microwave because Mom said ours was dead.

I returned home on Friday, and all the cats came to see me.

Saturday was a day of trying to get back to "normal."

still alive

well, that was fun.

4 days off from work and not leaving the house till the very end of the stay.

it was great.

i bummed and when i should have done something, i didn’t.

and now i have the month of September to prep for all things Oktober.

i need to start writing more here if i am going to hit my goal for the year.

i am reading and studying up on something that i am not ready to go public with.

i am plotting my birthday hard. Matthew doesn’t want to meet up in September so the next holiday will be my birthday.

getting Colt to want to dress nice for my birthday is an uphill battle.

i need to txt Nicole.

off to do some card readings!

all the feels

“nothing will prepare you for the truth.” it was a tagline from all the Tweets and post i kept seeing from Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness.

and as i got closer to May 6th, thought kept running thought my head.

and they are still running.

and the best way to get them out is to write them down.

i wasn’t stricken by heartburn like i was before Spider-Man. and it was odd, after the edible took effect, how we fell into old patterns.

and this time, it felt like the 16 months we were apart never happen.

i owe a lot to Shelby, for talking and making think on what i want and how to proceeded with Colt.

and some things i am still keeping close to the chest.

i really do want a sit-down dinner date with him and Nicole. that is what i really want for my birthday.

we went to the bar and after a drink, went to the smoke shed. we popped an edible and shared a joint. he was impressed with my inhaling skills, and i even impressed myself with being able to have the smoke flow out my nose.

the music was, bad? i don’t know if the booze, music, or drugs but i kept passing out or blacking out. i had to take one of my uppers.

i think Colt’s drugs, while he was having a good trip, made me want to sleep and made my arms heavy.

at one time i put my arm around him and leaned on him.

he was warm, strong, soft, and i didn’t want to let go of that. i missed that for way too long.

i love him. i can’t tell him that or day the words but i do. even after all the shit, i still love him and don’t want to lose him. he makes me happy.

i gave him all the stuff he sent me. all of his stuff i have is still in a trunk, in my closet. i don’t feel a need to get it out.

when i asked about his necklace, he was still wearing it. my part is put away.

and i don’t feel a need to wear it.

i don’t know if we are #cuzwereconnected. i don’t know if i have a wall up or not about that. i don’t know about #iloveyou3000 because i don’t know if it will last or something will happen, again.

i want to go back for my birthday. i want him to come here and see me.

reading back on older journal posts, i want to stare into his eyes and read his soul again.

i broke the cures i did on him. i knew it was crumbling once i gave him all his stuff back. the baby praying mantis showed me this was the right way.

i love you AssButt.

strange long trip

Thursday, I got up at 2 or 3; I don't recall. I packed my car, told the cats that showed up for breakfast (it was raining) goodbye, and made my way to work.

It freaking poured all the way to work.

Work was work.

I made my way to Rolla, had Taco Bell, and realized that I only had to spend 30 miles on the interstate and on my way to Waynesville.

Made it to Matthew's. Loaded up the rental car, saw his dad, and onto Springfield.

At some point, Colt texted that he would see Dr. Strange that night.

I really do hate him.

Hit Springfield, got supplies, had a bubble bath, and went to bed.

FRIDAY!!!

It was nice to bum around the city with Matthew.

I get my nose ring changed to a hoop (and even two weeks later, I hate it). Went to the witchcraft store and got another tarot deck that I didn't need (Modern Witch Tarot by Lisa Sterle) (and some rocks), nerd store, and then the main hit, Barns, and Noble.

I was seduced by a blind date book that only had the words "tarot, ghost, non-binary" on it (I'm two of those things). It was All Our Hidden Gifts by Caroline O'Donoghue. I also go The Oracle Creator by Steven Bright.

And I saw Nicole!!!

It was so great to see her. We wonder around a bit, sat and talked a bit, and went outside so she could open her presents.

I went back to the shed the weeks before and brought over the last (I hope) of my stuff. One box was a worksheet from my Adolescent Development class. And who did I interview for that worksheet?

The three of us had a good laugh over that worksheet. It was also an excellent way to kill time till Colt showed up.

And the first things I said when he walked up? "Who has seen my boobs?"

He was the only one who didn't raise their hand.

And that's how Nicole and Colt met.

Colt had a gift for me: a shark Easter basket, a Loki doll, a box of Reese's Pieces, and a six-pack of tiny Dr. Peppers.

Rode with him to the liquor store, where I spent just as much as I did in Barns and Noble (way too much), but I was happy with books and booze.

Back to the hotel to change and then onto my date night with Colt.

Taco Bell, saw his new apartment (his lack of clothing is almost alarming), and then the gay bar!

That place was so dead. It was bad.

McDonald's and park for late-night snacks and then back to the hotel to pass out.

Saturday, Matthew and I had Ihop and then went back to the hotel to relax before the movie!

The Movie, the movie?

First off, Matthew was surprised we saw it in 3-D Imax, like how we always see movies in Springfield. Ever since Guardians of the Galaxy! Don't be surprised by this fact!

(Side note, the fact we saw a trailer for Don't Worry Darling, and I didn't see Harry Styles going down on Florence Pugh in Imax is a fucking shame.)

The movie...

It was a rip. It was not what I thought it was going to be. It did set up some stuff. The big takeaway is the theory that we see how we live in another universe when we dream.

Chiles's for the after-party and I hugged colt goodbye.

Sunday, we made our way to Matthew's, and then I went on an adventure to get back home. I passed over\by the Gasconade River three times getting home.

It's been over two weeks, and I'm still not unpacked.

41

i don’t know where to start with all of this.

i’m 41 now.

i got my nose pierced. it hurt like a bitch but i’m so happy.

i will never do cocaine because me shooting the cleaning spray up my nose twice a day is already being a horrible problem.

i got to see Nicole! she loved the Bowie painting i did. it was not like how i image but i’m so happy with how i turned out.

he would like it.

i brought too many decks this weekend. i’m so behind.

this month, less Age of Mythology and more witchcraft!

saw Venom: Let There Be Carnage. fun fact: when the 1st one came out, my boyfriend was surprised i didn’t want to see it and wanted to see the “girly” movie of A Star is Born.

the movie was a trip and now i need to see Spider-Man, right now!

and need to watch the 3 Toby Maguire’s movies too…

other thing happened. more on that later.

and that was about my birthday weekend.