lighting crashes

so, lighting hit the old oak that was about 20 feet away from the house last Sunday.

and it’s been a week.

i’m sad the tree had to be cut down. feels like losing something important to me. i did find 2 acorns and put them in a crack of the stump, covering it with sawdust.

i need to find some of the bark that got blown off, for witchcraft purposes. Nicole wants some too.

got tickets to Doomsday. not seeing it in 3D IMAX because of Dune. just going to see it regular.

did not get much work done on the basement this week. things kinda fell apart after lighting hit the tree and still dealing with that.

i did get a new tarot deck this week! i got Seasons of the Witch Autumn Tarot! it’s so pretty! i’m excited to get the other ones, if they are just as cool as the Autumn deck.

need to write more then just this

oh, i need to write but i don’t have the time…

i am getting better. i am trying to focus on getting The Work done and not playing on my phone. i am getting things done but, not enough? always trying for tomorrow to be better the yesterday.

i need to write the thoughts in my head about PRIDE, sex, gender, and all sorts of things like that.

i have been talking to Cole about it. i have my date with Izzy Saturday and after party at the hotel with just one bed this time…

where have i been?

where have i been?

work is ok, home is ok. after all the stress and bullshit, both came out fine and dandy.

the new floor is almost stripy. it’s great.

one year free. that’s what i keep thinking. i am one year free from all the bullshit that i thought was going to take me out. like a opossum, i am coming back from the dead to hiss at all you fuckers.

Cole is moving back to St. Louis so Colt is the only one left in Springfield. i am worried about him being by himself. i won’t be there till Doomsday and that’s a long ways away.

i want to get back into doing more. i keep saying that i am starting THIS month and then things fall apart. this time i am going to move forward. one year free and i am going to run with that freedom. get back to reading and studying and cleaning. things are fine at home and at work. i am fine. it is time to move forward.

the cards said to write and here i am

the cards said to write and here i am.

things are good. things are moving forward. i need to pick up speed but overall, i am content with myself.

Lent started today and i be damn if an asshole tried to manplain it to me. 8 years of Catholic wasn’t for nothing, motherfucker.

keep having chats with Izzy about stuff and, i’m going down a path i never thought i would. i don’t know if i am 100% certain and don’t know if i will live up to what they want but i am willing to try.

i have high hopes we see each other next week. i have hope in myself that i can live up to the texts i’ve been sending him.

i want to talk to Nicole but i am hesitant about it. i don’t know if i can commit to something so why ask for advice?

What's It All About?

i am still here. i only wanted to take January “off” and kick off February and then life happens.

i have been slacking. i tried playing Sims 4 and i just don’t care for the game. off chance i went to look to see if they had Sims 2 and they did. all of them for $30.

and down that hole i went, bad.

i am failing with doing The Work and that needs to stop, now. i am not moving forward and that is someone i don’t want to be.

the basement is getting cleaner, i have a job i like that is 1,000 times less stressful, i have a Bear in Rolla that likes me and wants me, i have my wonderful friends in Springfield, i have the fucking best niblings in the world, too many things are positive in my life for me to turn into mush.

so, tonight is the last night of goofing off. i need to buckle up and get to The Work. i need to step up my reading and studying. i need to get going with the cleaning.

is this all going to happen overnight? no. will i have setbacks, in this month alone? yes? can i read one page a day? fuck yes, i can do at least that.

let’s get going.

day 22

work is ok but for that one fuckwit who works there. i realized i think about him too much so i keep repeating "I call all my power back to me" to calm down and banish him away.

i don't have any magic on me when i'm at work so i need to make me come charms to keep shit away from me.

the weather has been wonderful. it feels like i'm in a horror movie this whole month.

it's been great to have November, with all the fall elements and no fucking Christmas being shoved down my throat.

McRibs still are evil.

i worry about my friends having enough money to survive while i'm living large, but not large enough to share.

day 9

i feel like shit because my life is going well and my friends’ lives are failing.

their jobs do not pay enough for the fancy lifestyle of wanting a roof over your head and food on the table.

my mind is going old with the idea of winter coming and hoping to have enough food store up to make it to the growing season. and this brings worries over my loved ones.

everything

i don’t know where to start.

i had my birthday weekend and it was rough. i got called out by the 2 most important people in the world, had my identity question, and just was rough.

it was the first time i was excited to go home after my visit.

i need to find a new hotel. i am haunted and i am not playing that game anymore.

not if I am taking Izzy with me next year.

i have plans for Halloween. i’m not going to be in my backyard, around a fire, watching The VVitch.

i will be with Izzy, watching The VVitch, in a hotel room.

it was their idea, the hotel room. originally it was just going be at his place but, they texted me, saying could get a room with 2 beds, i can leave whenever and fuck, what a gentlethem!

we haven’t done anything, not even hugging or holding hands and boom, third date in a hotel room, an overnight slumber party.

i am excited and kinda scared.

also, i came up with a spell to get rid of something. and i know it’s working all ready, before i even casted it.

i got my clothes picked out for Halloween. i know my makeup and i even got my horns out.

and i need to go to bed.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

hello September!

hello September!

the weather cooled off and it’s getting nippy at times. last night i went to the backyard and tried to feel for Autumn. i didn’t, but it’s getting there.

tomorrow is the last full moon of summer and i am doing some magic. the three of us, me, Nicole, and Colt, have been lacking in physical contact of late (like 2 years ago being the avenge) and i made a spell for it. we all deserve some action, with benefits. what’s the point of being a witch if you can’t throw some magic out there for friends and yourself?

trying to set up a 2nd date with Izzy. first time i’ve used their name here. they use all the pronouns so, just watch out on the ones that pop up around them/him/her.

i like him. that’s all i can say right now. i like him, txting him is great, he’s a delight.

and that spell is to help things along…

i need to make a list of herbs i need in my stash of witchcraft supplies. i have no garlic or chili pepper in my stash. i need to look it over hard and make a list of what i need.

Bless me Mother, for I am queer

“Bless me Mother, for I am queer.”

“Baby Gurl, you were born this way.”

“No, it’s more complicated than that.”

“Go on.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Try.”

“You know how there are women on the internet and how they only dated men and then started dating woman and had a whole ass epiphany?”

“Yes…”

“It has happened to me.”

“Wait, I thought you were texting a guy?”

“AMAB.”

“Do I need to open a bottle are you going to get with it?”

“Ok, so he’s listed as man/non-binary and bisexual and having gone on one date, is very queer. And I have only dated cis-het men.”

“What about bisexual Matthew?”

“I don’t think anything about him was real, including him saying he was bi.

“Anyway, the way he flirts with me, hits on my queerness like nothing before. With Colt, it’s fun to play straight because we’re not. With Him, we give off the idea of cis-het but we are not.

“You know how I like to dress as Dean Winchester in the winter months and that give me all the gender euphoria? I feel so fem when I dress butch.

“I was dressed fem for the date and he made me feel butch.”

“How was that?”

“I was surprised but I like it.”

“And today?”

“I mention I felt like I could fight a bear and that I know I can take a twink out and He said the last line was beautiful and that ‘There is definitely a bear interested in taking you on….’”

“Oh my.”

“And then there was something I said out loud.”

“What was it?”

“I said out loud that I want to be his boyfriend. It goes with the fact He uses all pronouns and I could say, ‘She’s my boyfriend.’”

“But you don’t like male pronouns and honorifics. Expect to be called Daddy.”

“Four-year-old me would be so surprised that instead of wanting a boyfriend, to want to be a boyfriend.”

“He makes you feel like a real queer.”

“I don’t like how you said it but it’s true. I feel like he sees my queerness. He sees that part that is me. He sees me like I want to see myself.”

“Nicole never made you feel queer?”

“It’s different with her. I think because she’s fem and I’m fem that we give off lesbian vibes. It’s not that I have to prove anything with her.”

“Is it because Matthew never saw you as queer but that you had all the right parts?”

“Is it because he’s a “guy” and he sees me as queer?”

“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.”

“Yes Mother.”

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

optimist

let’s focus on the good things.

i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.

i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.

i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.

i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.

i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.

i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.

i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

not county but cunty

Mom made my shirt. the material is small squares of various shades of pink plaids. i told her this was the shirt i was going to wear to the bar when i hit it with Nicole and Colt.

it’s done. it’s so more county looking then i thought it was going to be.

i can’t go goth in this shirt. i was almost wanting to chuck it and then i remember “not county but cunty.”

i have tried to look up Chappell Roan makeup looks and, i’m not made for this.

back to some bad ideas and throwing eye shadow on my face.

Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive

“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”

“That’s always a good sign.”

“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”

“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”

“I went alone.”

“How asexual of you.”

“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.

“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”

“Kind of creepy, go on.”

“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.

“How was the movie?”

“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”

“End scene?”

“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”

“Springfield is in-”

“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”

“O… K… What happen after the movie?”

“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.

“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”

“Tipped 30%?”

“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.

“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”

“Making good choices I see.”

“I spend a 100 at the store.”

“What the hell did you get?”

“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”

“Why?”

“Witchcraft.”

“Is that all you going to say about it?”

“And then I came home.”

“That’s all?”

“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”

“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”

“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

“But you did this all on your own.”

“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”

“Fuck right.”

“Fuck. Right.”

weekly update

i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.

i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.

i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.

i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.

i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.

there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.

it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.

i don't know

how am i?

not good bitch.

i think stress is slowly eating at me and i don’t know what to do to stop it beside just start heavily drinking every night.

the one place is out of my CBD gummies. i got some destressing things from store and i don’t know how well they will work. i took some this morning and didn’t see any difference. will try again tomorrow night.

i even skipped a day of cards. i know that is not a good sign.

i did get my crafting table cleared off, and my side desk organized. i think i need to so my main desk next (if not tonight) to get things looking better.

i am working on 2025 goals right now. i’m 2ish % done for the next year and keep working on things.

i worked on my oracle deck yesterday. i need to make a spread sheet for it and print off what i have done and give it a look over. maybe send some info to Nicole for a second set of eyes.

AND! i got Colt to agree to watch Buffy. it took me some 20 mins and i am to watch Once Upon a Time to boot.

20 mins. it took breaking up for Matthew to start watching Peaky Blinders, after years of me telling him he would like it.

Colt is showing me what a real man is. he is setting the bar very high for any dude who wants to partner up with me.

i am trying to watch Dune so i can move onto the Bene Gesserit show that is out now.

Bless me Mother for I have sinned

“Bless me Mother for I have sinned. It has been since the last millennium since I have been to confession.”

“You sound like a vampire.”

“Maybe I am.”

“What did you do?”

“It was my birthday weekend.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Let’s just say I got sent a dick pic and a vag pic on my birthday. And a tattoo.”

“This is going to take a while, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

*pops open a can of something* “Start confessin’.”

“It’s not the whole trip I want to deal with, it’s just two things I want to focus on.”

“Hit me.”

“The first is my tattoo.”

“I saw the ink, 3 of Swords from the tarot?”

“Yes. It hit me one day that’s what I wanted and I just went with it.

“I thought I wanted it all black but, just the outline. I can color in the heart and maybe the swords with makeup later. To match my mood or my outfit.”

“Maybe some glitter?”

“Only at the gay bar. Speaking of that…”

“Do you remember that night?”

“Like Jim Steinman said, ‘I remember everything.’

“But, back to the tattoo.

“I get to the shop and talk to my artist, Johnny. He thought I wanted an anatomical accurate heart and I’m like no. I pulled out my deck to show him the card and he asked if he could take a picture of it, to work up a sketch. I felt better, knowing that my tattoo will be my deck.”

“The 3 of Swords from the Rider–Waite-Smith deck? That’s basic. You Google it and it shows up. Why would it matter if it was from your deck or the internet?”

“Because my deck has my energy in it. I work with this deck, it knows me. It holds my energy. It’s not just a tattoo of any 3 of Swords, it’s a tattoo of my favorite card from the deck I use.”

“Fair. Keep confessin’.”

“When he was prepping me, I asked if that was his kindergarten diploma on the wall. He said yes, it was and it was to prove he knew his shapes and colors. I was in good hands with an educated man.

“And I sat and got it done.”

“Did it hurt?”

“Yes and no. There was pain but I have had mensural cramps so bad I was on the floor crying. This was a piece of cake.”

“Nice. What about the bar?”

“Cut to the bone I see.”

“Hit me with the deets!”

“It started at Chili’s with me and Nicole looking like a gothic lesbian couple with our severely under-dressed boyfriend. I gave them my phone, told them my password, and let Colt go crazy on Tinder. That’s how I got the dick and vag pics.

“Who’s-”

“Not answering.

“We then make out way to the bar, the long way. At one point I asked Colt how far he has gone with a girl.”

“And?”

“And he told me and that’s my truth to keep.

“Whatever. When are we getting to the super heavy stuff?”

“At the bar I, I did too much of everything. I took too many drugs and was drinking all the booze but the stronger kicker was when I got hit on.”

“You what? No, this was a men’s gay bar, you and Nicole were the only women there.”

*glares in queerness*

“My bad. You were the only lesbian looking bitches there.”

“Yeah. He brought me a drink and Colt and Nicole were very happy about it.”

“Where did it go wrong?”

“So, here’s where it’s gets complicated.

“It took me a long time before I realized why part of it threw me so hard.

“I am not wired for casual. With Colt and Nicole there, I felt a pressure to be ready to marry the next man to walk into my life. Or at least to fuck him.

“Like that night, be ready to go all the way.”

“They were not, were they?”

“I asked them later and separate and they both gave me the correct answer. They wanted me to have fun.

“And then the night got bad.

“I scared off Austin, I was not feeling anymore and got tooken home by Colt. I made it inside the hotel bathroom before throwing up.”

“Oh, it had to be bad if you threw up.”

“Colt watched me undressed and I badly wanted to strip down to my underwear but my poor body image stopped me.

“And I passed out in my bed. Woke up with no hang over.”

“That’s my girl.”

“And that was the big strokes of my birthday. There are smaller things to think about but, time may erase them from me.”

“Don’t get all poetic on me now.”

“So, what’s my penance?”

“Well, you did the spells on Halloween. You are out there, ish. You are making plans to be better for next year.”

“There’s a lot of books I want to read.”

“I think your penance should be a badder badass.”

“Yes, because bitches with tattoos should not act like I did.”

*takes a shot* “Fuck yeah.”