last update for fucking August!
this August has not been as bad as year’s past. i don’t know what happen to me or August but, we made it.
i am remembering other Augusts. the one where i saw Guardians of the Galaxy and didn’t write for a whole month because i could not image that i would have 2 guys, TWO, sitting with my at Chili’s, one stocking my thigh, the other my arm , both of them loving me. my inner 4-year-old was beside herself.
and now i’m toying with the idea of being someone’s boyfriend.
i am done with all my September’s goals. i want to start new stuff. i want to try to get into a daily practice, get back into my witchcraft books, become a better witch.
i feel that i am becoming better is many areas, that i need to step up my witchcraftness.
i am trying to be off my phone more and stop playing computer games that don’t go anywhere.
it was fantastic.
the movie: 2 hours of Pedro Pascal. what more could a Marvel girl ask for? for reals, after watching the other 3 Fantastic Four movies (MY GODS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE 2015 ONE?!?!?!) i think this one was just right.
now, on to the date.
i live too much in my head.
it was wonderful. he was a perfect gentleman. he open doors and paid for dinner and the movie.
he’s so different from anything i ever dealt with.
we talked. it felt like he was giving me all his red flags and i can deal with them.
i like him. i really like him.
and i dressed fem up for this date. and at one point i just felt so butch next to him. and it was nice to feel that way.
i want to do it again.
let’s focus on the good things.
i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.
i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.
i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.
i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.
i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.
i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.
i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.
“You need to confessed.”
“I need to confessed? For what?”
“You know what you did.”
“Do I need to confess or do you need ME to confesses?”
“Just do it!”
“Bless me Mother for I have…”
“Screamed.”
“Oh. You want to talk about that.”
“Yes. Start at the beginning.”
“So, when I saw Deadpool and Wolverine last summer and Blade showed up, I had a reaction.”
“You about jumped out of your chair in the theater.”
“Yeah… I didn’t know I had that in me. I don’t know what came over me at that point.”
“And then you have been watching a certain ad on the internet of late.”
“Ok. I re-watched The Last of Us and it has reawakened my love of Pedro Pascal. And he is so fucking cute in the ad and he looks at you and tells you that you are perfect do I need to say more?”
“He’s in Fantastic Four that’s coming out this summer.”
“Yeah… kinda worried about myself with that movie.”
“And then you screamed today.”
“Yeah. I was surprised too.”
“Tell me like I don’t know.”
“Marvel put out a video of who’s suppose to be in Doomsday and it was a good mix of names and then one popped up and I screamed about it.”
“Who was it?”
“Can I mention that I completely missed Tom Hiddleston’s name was in this list?”
“That makes it even worst. Who made you scream?”
“Channing Tatum.”
“Why?”
“I did not know how much his Gambit meant to me.”
“How feral are you going to go in Doomsday?”
“I don’t know!”
“Tom Hiddleston, Pedro Pascal, and Channing Tatum.”
“And David Harbour.”
“Is there any one in the line up that isn’t going to make your feral?”
“Some of the women, maybe.”
“You need a boyfriend.”
“Bless me Mother, I need a boyfriend.”
“Bless you, indeed.”
i don’t know what happens but things happen. i didn’t fall off the earth, but a vacation like that sounds nice.
i am booking along with my goals. i got a short list of things i want to 20 min a night it but Mom wants stuff down and that shoots my plans down. i need to work harder on that.
the new Daredevil show started and i have not watch it. i am behind. i am behind with the MCU. ya know something is up if yer girl is behind with the MCU.
i know why. and i know why i get weird when Colt says he has a gift for me.
so many signs says i need to move forward. i think i am. i know i’m not going backwards. i’m not going-
i am treading water. i am just treading water and not going anywhere.
i am keeping my head above water. i am doing that.
tomorrow i start reading Evolutionary Witchcraft. i feel that this is a good step for me. after that, it’s onto Crafting a Daily Practice.
maybe this is the movement i need.
“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”
“That’s always a good sign.”
“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”
“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”
“I went alone.”
“How asexual of you.”
“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”
“Tell me about it.”
“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.
“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”
“Kind of creepy, go on.”
“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.
“How was the movie?”
“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”
“End scene?”
“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”
“Springfield is in-”
“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”
“O… K… What happen after the movie?”
“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.
“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”
“Tipped 30%?”
“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.
“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”
“Making good choices I see.”
“I spend a 100 at the store.”
“What the hell did you get?”
“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”
“Why?”
“Witchcraft.”
“Is that all you going to say about it?”
“And then I came home.”
“That’s all?”
“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”
“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”
“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”
“But you did this all on your own.”
“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”
“Fuck right.”
“Fuck. Right.”
i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.
i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.
i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.
i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.
i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.
there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.
it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.
“Bless me Mother Feral, I need to vent.”
“Mother Feral? Is that my name now?”
“Works for me.”
*takes a shot* “Hit me.”
“I’m getting a lot of feels as 2024 ends and 2025 is getting ready to start. I know I’m a witch and I can do stuff but I feel like I shouldn’t/don’t do anything.”
“So not to jink the year?”
“Yes and no.”
“Keep going.”
“Well, it took me a long time but I got a grip on what the theme 2025 is going to be.”
“Sacred Opossum.”
“Yeah. With Agatha All Alone, Dune: Prophecy, and UNEND, the idea of groups of witches, learning and growing just hit me. I want to be do that. I want a year of studying.”
“A year and a day?”
“Oh, I didn’t even think about that. I got the books for it.”
“And a list of goals that you are working on.”
“I made a bingo card out of them. I’m hoping that gives me a boost to get shit done.”
“You seem to be going into this year with hope.”
“It’s not like that. I don’t think.
“It’s more of, there’s a shit show coming and I feel that the best I can do is to fully work on myself. I don’t know where I heard it from but queer joy is going to be an act of rebellion. That the happier I can make myself, the more it will be a fuck you to the shit storm.”
“You’re not becoming a Hermit are you?”
“Maybe? Fool and Hermit feels like the combo I’m feeling and that’s why I came up with Sacred Opossum.”
“What about dating?”
“What about dating?”
“Well, you been single for almost a year and things tried to happen and you stopped them.”
“I had many learning experiences this past year and I will be applying the knowledge I have learn going forward.”
“You going to burn that candle that was part of the love spell you did on Halloween?”
“There’s going to be a lot of witchcraft going on next year. Lots of cards and books and building altars and writing..”
“Sounds like a full-time job. Maybe you won’t have time to burn that love spell candle.”
“Maybe I’ll do it to spite the fuck out of you.”
“Spite and anger are twins. And you are always angry.”
“That’s my secret.”
“Do you want penance?”
“Naw. I’m going to catch up on my shows and call it a night.”
What wisdom can I gain from my shadow?
Reversed Ace of Coins. I need to get back to my faith.
What is ready to die to make room for my growth?
Page of Coins. I need to kill some emotions.
Card Reading
Page of Coins, The Sun, and Death. The real will lead me to happiness and a change of things.
sometimes it's not
the story we tell but how we tell it...
“Are you ever going to write about your trip to Springfield?”
“No, I am going to let that weekend rot away into the dark.”
“You had fun. You came home with an opossum.”
“And a snapper.”
“Tell me about it.”
“The snapper?”
“The whole fucking weekend!”
“I was a grown up and booked the hotel room and rented the car all by myself. It was the first steps for this weekend.
“I felt better once I got the car, the 2023 new shiny object named Charlotte.
“I loaded up the car to find out the fucking car has no USB port. It’s all C ports.”
“What the hell?”
“And it didn’t like Google maps and I wasn’t going to subscribe for a few days and I am so fucking tired of everything being a subscription-based life.
“I’m on the road, listening to my podcast, made it all the way to Springfield without crying. I make it to Chili’s and txt Nicole for our lunch date.”
“How adult of you.”
“I know!
“Anyway, we lunch, I get my nose pierced, I buy a tarot deck, and set up an appointment for a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?!?”
“Yeah. We will talk about that later.”
“Much later.”
“I make it back to the hotel and crank the air down to ice and just relax. I have the whole room to myself, and unpack.
“I loved the fact that I will be the only one in this room. That I have full control over where things and how I can keep it neat.
“I lay on the bed, pop out my tablet and keep on my rewatch of Gray’s Anatomy.”
“Was that the only thing you watch?”
“Yes. I started way back in March and I was able to keep going. No time wasting going over all the different streaming services, no time wasted scrolling thought all the shows and movies just to watch the same fucking movie, over and over.”
“Or watching something for an hour and then switching to something else and being told that you are not watching, even thought you had no desire to watch the show and told said person that.”
“None of that fuckery happen.”
“Tell me about Colt.”
“He came over, Nicole came over. Next time, I want a pizza party, an old fashion slumber party type.”
“How is our DarkShark?”
“His ass was giving him problems.”
“He is an ass.”
“It happens.”
“Not the brightest crayon in the box but he’s our favorite color.”
“It was a fun small night. They go home and I am left with a king size bed all to myself.”
“Not just an ass width on the edge?”
“The whole fucking thing.”
“Nice.”
“Wake up, made a Walmart run for breakfast, fucking app is worthless, back to the room and then Nicole comes over and we make our way the Alamo for the movie.”
“Tell me about the movie! Give me all the spoilers!”
“I watched all the X-men cartoons, the new olds, and then a watch/rewatch of all the X-Men movies. I could see where Fox was going with the movies but, they lack heart. They kept throwing in more and more characters that just show up for a movie and then to be never seen again and, why? What’s the point of a one-night stand?”
“Are you just spoiled with having the MCU?”
“Maybe.”
“Did you watch the Deadpool movies?”
“Yes. And the weird thing about those movies, they felt they had heart.”
“Heart? Deadpool?”
“First one was a love story, 2nd was a found family thing. With all the fourth wall breaking and f-bombs, they had heart. They had a story. They made you care. X-Men just felt they forced a story on you, based on the love of the comic and cartoons.”
“It’s hard to care about characters when you don’t have any emotional attachment to them and the movie is banking on some feels from a cartoon show you were supposed to base your childhood on.”
“Fair. What about this movie?”
“Deadpool is about sacrilegious. And they started off with sacrilegious. And the movie went off from there.”
“What was your favorite parts?”
“Well, Chris Evans showed up and right when we thought he was gonna yell ‘Avengers assemble’ he yelled ‘Flame on.’”
“No!”
“And I didn’t think I was going to go so feral when Blade showed up.”
“Blade!”
“Wesley still has it.
“And then, he showed up.”
“Who?!?”
“Channing Tatum as Gambit.”
“Oh, my gods. They went there.”
“They went to a lot of places. One of them had comic book accurate short Wolverine.”
“You thought of him, right there, didn’t you?”
“Yes. I thought of him off and on during the movie.”
“He’s not coming back.”
“It’s a matter of I am not taking him back. Back to the movie!
“Overall, that movie had heart. It was a buddy flick of found familyness?”
“Did they kiss?”
“The Internet has deemed the fight scene in the van as them fucking.”
“Nice.”
“After the movie, we made our way to Bass Pro Shop to find an opossum. I did not think it would be so fucking hard to find an opossum at freaking Bass Pro Shop. Tons of penguins to buy.
“Nicole found an opossum, right after I found a snapping turtle. My budget was $50, both were $20 and both came home.
“We decide in the parking lot that Nicole would stay home and me and Colt would hit the bar that night.
“Colt took a nap.”
“You haven’t napped since the Reagan administration.”
“Damn right.
“I woke his ass up, we went to Taco Bell, and then the bar,”
“And the drinking and gummies?”
“Yes.”
“Do anything fun?”
“Well, I’m Tinder now.”
“How’s that going?”
“I gave Colt my phone and he is going on Tinder and I am like ‘No!!!!’ and he is SWIPEING RIGHT!
“Then we are chatting with a guy and I don’t know what I am doing and Colt just unmatched me with him because Colt said something (I am drunk, it is loud, and it’s been a few days since this happen) about how this guy isn’t respecting me and that Colt respects me.
“And then the other morning it hits me hard: Colt kept asking me if I was ok, all night long. If Matthew was there, he would be asking me what he was doing wrong.
“Colt was asking about me. Because he cares about me. To make sure I was ok while taking in all the alcohol and pot and the vibes of the places.
“Colt is the better boyfriend. He sees me as a whole person. I am more than just parts to fuck; I am a whole human to him.
“OH! And then the witchcraft stuff I discover!”
“At the bar?”
“Yes!
“I am at the bar. I am drunk. I am high. The music. The lights. It hits me.
“This is how my ancestors use to do it. They would eat the mushroom, and with the firelights in the caves and the drums beating, this is how they did it, this is how I am doing it now. Eons have pasted and this is the same thread.”
“What about the other things?”
“So, it hits me before seeing Dr. Strange a few years back that if crystals can store energy, and crystals are just fancy rocks, then the rocks from back yard can store energy and I can store the energy from the bar into a rock and take it home. And I did it.
“So, while at the bar this time, I just let everything in me.”
“That’s what she said.”
“ANYWAY, I don’t know if it’s because I work retail or just the way I am, I feel that I am always shielding so hard, nothing can get in or out.
“So, when I went to the backyard to do some praying a few days after I came back, I hit me.
“While in the bar, I was taking in the energy, vibes. It was in me. I woke up the next day needing a cheeseburger because I wasn’t grounded.
“If rocks can store energy and our bones are stones, then all those vibes of the bar are in me, it’s stored in my bones. I carry that with me, at all times. I don’t need a rock or that.”
“Oh wow.”
“I know.
“Sunday was spent visiting my people. It was good quality time. Sunday night was a whole pizza for myself and TV time.
“Monday, I left, driving out of the city in a way that would make Colt proud of me.”
“That’s scary to think about.”
“I made it home.”
“You had a good time.”
“I had a wonderful time. It’s been a month and I am going back 36 odd days.”
“For your birthday?”
“Yes.”
“Gonna party like it’s 1999?”
“Fuck yeah.”
“Let’s fucking go then.”
let’s look back on what i was doing 10 years ago. oh wait, there’s nothing there. i went to Springfield, saw a Marvel movie that was a changed from the previous ones i’ve seen, and realized i was in love with two men.
well, some things never changed and some things change big time.
i still need to write about that trip…
well, i was feel poorly of late. i see the signs of fall coming, but i can’t feel them. i don’t feel my Lady Autumn. i should. it’s time, or maybe too early but still, fuck.
and then i chatted with Colt’s mom and things just changed in me.
i know it’s August. i know that i have written off this month. it’s a time that doesn’t exist. and i need to make some forward progress.
i need to sit down and really write some shit out.
i am feeling, it.
i have plans, i want to write things, i want to live next month.
i’m not going to Springfield, i’m not seeing a Marvel movie, i’m not celebrating 14 years with Matthew.
i am going to do things i want on the 1st. i’m going places and doing the things i have not done in a long time.
i hope to find something. i don’t know what i’m looking for but i will know it when i see it.
“Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same” that line is hitting me harder and harder. i know i was changing, i didn’t think i would get to this way.
i am making wild plans and going forward, the best i can.
so, where was i?
for the past year i have been trying to be a devotee to Karpo and theses past few weeks, i have felt cut off. i feel that someone is trying to get ahold of me, i don’t know who.
i know i need to read more and be more active in my witchcraft. i know witchcraft and religion can go hand in hand and that one is not the same as the other but i feel lost. i am trying to-
i am trying to live this new life. this life where i am working out, taking care of my body, crocheting, cleaning, being an adult.
being single…
i’m gonna let that hang out there and come back to it later.
i want to get done with the old X-Men cartoon so i can get going with the new.
i miss Colt. i should be seeing him in 3 weeks but i’m not. i won’t see him for 103 days.
i need to go to bed.
i don’t know what happen over the past 24 hours but i feel better.
i don’t know if this darkness just had to go over me or what. i feel better and lighter. i feel like i want to do things and get shit done!
and i got a new oracle deck today! the first card i saw made me cry so i know this is the deck for me.
this will be the one to fix all my problems…
i got a new look on my tarot post that i want to work on tomorrow. tonight, i very much want to crochet and watch the X-Men cartoon. the new one dropped and i’m not even done with the 1st season of the original show.
and i got a breath of my ideas for my own oracle deck. i want to write it down and possibly make the 1st card.
but right now, i need to get going on something to crochet while i watch my cartoons.
4 years ago, i started the tag, during the plague. it was to mark everything that was going on in this 2-week episode of this illness that will pass.
and we still here, in 2024.
i’m done with using the tag. my blogs/journals are dated. when history comes knocking, i have it written down. my view of this pandemic is different from what i have seen.
there was no lockdown for me. i worked retail. i went to work. if i didn’t go to work, i wouldn’t get paid and life would suck.
all the things that would refresh me from being a retail worker, didn’t happen: my 10th anniversary trip, seeing Marvel movies, celebrating turning 40, nope.
i went 302 days in a row of sleeping in my own bed. there were no trips to take and no boyfriend to come see me.
i didn’t get to stay home, become Tic-Tok famous, dye my hair, learn something, rest, day drink all day, work from home.
got up, went to work, pretend that everything was ok and not weird at all that i carried a note from work saying why i was out of my house, in case i got pulled over.
it’s not over. it may not be over but i am done marking it.
i almost want to do a weekly update but, there will be time for that later.
i got my vanity clean! i want to attack the bathroom Saturday, and hopefully the outer area to boot.
i am reading. that is going forward. i know my other goals can wait until i get the 1st layer of cleaning down.
i get the cleaning down then i can work on upkeep and not overhauling, and then life will be better? i hope this plan works.
and rethinking that upkeep and cleaning as an act to honor my ancestors. that makes it more of a spiritual practice then anything else.
i need to shower and watch the 1st ep of Echo.
still 91% for the month, got to 69% for the done for the year, still a B-.
inventory is Friday and i am dead. i sign up for 6 days in a row/44-hour work week and it’s hurting.
Friday night i am getting high and watching all I am Groot.
i am trying to get into my Star Trek tarot deck. the book goes hard on the tarot history but i kinda skipped that and trying to get into the crux of it.
i’m wrapping this up do i can go to bed early tonight.
where have i been?
i don’t know.
i think things went off the rails back in May and i have not mentally bounce back from it.
fuck, the memory of the Springfield trip that involved me seeing the 1st Guardians of the Galaxy and how it fucked with me just came back.
i need Jesus.
or Karpo. i have even fallen off that path of being a devotee to a deity.
no matter how much planning and list and notebooks and books i get/do, the fact i do not do anything to move forward is the main problem.
i need to made some moves and go an inch. even an inch a day will get me 30 inches forward by the end of the month. it’s a not a yard but i will be getting somewhere.
part is also the “do a bit on all my projects and just quarter ass the whole list” is not working for me.
i need focus.
