where have i been?

where have i been?

work is ok, home is ok. after all the stress and bullshit, both came out fine and dandy.

the new floor is almost stripy. it’s great.

one year free. that’s what i keep thinking. i am one year free from all the bullshit that i thought was going to take me out. like a opossum, i am coming back from the dead to hiss at all you fuckers.

Cole is moving back to St. Louis so Colt is the only one left in Springfield. i am worried about him being by himself. i won’t be there till Doomsday and that’s a long ways away.

i want to get back into doing more. i keep saying that i am starting THIS month and then things fall apart. this time i am going to move forward. one year free and i am going to run with that freedom. get back to reading and studying and cleaning. things are fine at home and at work. i am fine. it is time to move forward.

am i still alive?

am i still alive?

i know i am not living.

this past week has been stressed plus. work was just stressing with a F.O.R. and big wigs showing up. on the day of, i was the only blue shirt there and i was on side 1 for breakfast. i hold power and must use it wisely.

home is stressful too. Monday, the people will be here to put in the new floor and new shower and MY shower will get fixed (leaks like it’s on). ALL the things had to be to moved out of the rooms and we are done to just the bare necessities.

i have this thought that if the floor Grandma put in lasted 50 years, maybe we can get 50 years out of this floor. Jehoshaphat will be 52 and maybe a grandma in her own right.

i’ll be 96, gods willing.

i cleaned the hell out of my bathroom today.

i made hell of progress today. i just need to move. i want to try to do 20 mins a day this week, just to keep things going forward.

May is coming up and i didn’t get one last year. it was robbed from me. but i am so much better then i was an year ago that i refuse to let shit bog down on me anymore. i have one stressor in my life, and the more i think of cursing him, the more he falters, without me throwing the curse.

i am taking a shower that should clean my soul. tomorrow is the start of my work week and there is work to be done.

LIVE

i need to write and this is a half ass way of doing it.

i need to write, with pen and paper, something that might not make it to the world’s view and just kept to myself.

i know i need to write a plan. i tried this week and i got somewhere but not as far as i wanted.

i need to buckle down. do more, play less, get shit done. i don’t have doom hanging over my head, i have light and life and spring is almost here.

which means fall is starting soon (on the other side of the world) and i’m taking that energy and move forward with it.

i need to go. no more with plotting one thing that will cure me and then it happens and i don’t change.

change, i need to change and live.

Shadow and Light

 

This past week has been not good for me. I didn’t know I was waiting for Thursday afternoon.

It started that morning with work being work and me reaching god statues and being recognized by management that I am awesome. By the afternoon, I received not news but realization that a dark cloud that’s been over my head since May is now fucking gone.

I woke up to the sun shining and the cats singing. I saw this spread the other day and thought that this will give me insight but I have that now. I still want to do it because getting better is a never-ending action and this will get me to a new level of better.

What is hidden? Forget-Me-Not. What is hidden is this new life I can live out now. Things are going well and I don’t have to fear pending doom.

What is revealed? Sage. That I am done with one part of my life and can move to the next part.

How can the shadow serve you? Daisy. The shadow can show me the way to the light.

How can the light guide? Violet. I just need to bask in the light.

I thought February was going to be my starting month. I didn’t know that I needed things to align and it would take all of February.

I am ready for March.

2025

hello.

i tried to get the groundhog out to jump start spring and it didn’t work.

here we go…

Mom made my shirt.

let’s focus on the good things.

again, it hit me the other day.

i am done with my goals for the month, 64% done for the year, giving me a B-.

there is nothing to report.

hello September!

i don’t know where to start.

hello November.

well, it’s December.

day 16

coming home from work, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” popped up on my Pandora. and before i could ask the question out loud, i said yes.

i have found what i’m looking for. i found happiness.

i was such a frog in boiling water when i was at that fucking store.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

Bless me Mother, for I am queer

“Bless me Mother, for I am queer.”

“Baby Gurl, you were born this way.”

“No, it’s more complicated than that.”

“Go on.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Try.”

“You know how there are women on the internet and how they only dated men and then started dating woman and had a whole ass epiphany?”

“Yes…”

“It has happened to me.”

“Wait, I thought you were texting a guy?”

“AMAB.”

“Do I need to open a bottle are you going to get with it?”

“Ok, so he’s listed as man/non-binary and bisexual and having gone on one date, is very queer. And I have only dated cis-het men.”

“What about bisexual Matthew?”

“I don’t think anything about him was real, including him saying he was bi.

“Anyway, the way he flirts with me, hits on my queerness like nothing before. With Colt, it’s fun to play straight because we’re not. With Him, we give off the idea of cis-het but we are not.

“You know how I like to dress as Dean Winchester in the winter months and that give me all the gender euphoria? I feel so fem when I dress butch.

“I was dressed fem for the date and he made me feel butch.”

“How was that?”

“I was surprised but I like it.”

“And today?”

“I mention I felt like I could fight a bear and that I know I can take a twink out and He said the last line was beautiful and that ‘There is definitely a bear interested in taking you on….’”

“Oh my.”

“And then there was something I said out loud.”

“What was it?”

“I said out loud that I want to be his boyfriend. It goes with the fact He uses all pronouns and I could say, ‘She’s my boyfriend.’”

“But you don’t like male pronouns and honorifics. Expect to be called Daddy.”

“Four-year-old me would be so surprised that instead of wanting a boyfriend, to want to be a boyfriend.”

“He makes you feel like a real queer.”

“I don’t like how you said it but it’s true. I feel like he sees my queerness. He sees that part that is me. He sees me like I want to see myself.”

“Nicole never made you feel queer?”

“It’s different with her. I think because she’s fem and I’m fem that we give off lesbian vibes. It’s not that I have to prove anything with her.”

“Is it because Matthew never saw you as queer but that you had all the right parts?”

“Is it because he’s a “guy” and he sees me as queer?”

“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.”

“Yes Mother.”

fantastic

it was fantastic.

the movie: 2 hours of Pedro Pascal. what more could a Marvel girl ask for? for reals, after watching the other 3 Fantastic Four movies (MY GODS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE 2015 ONE?!?!?!) i think this one was just right.

now, on to the date.

i live too much in my head.

it was wonderful. he was a perfect gentleman. he open doors and paid for dinner and the movie.

he’s so different from anything i ever dealt with.

we talked. it felt like he was giving me all his red flags and i can deal with them.

i like him. i really like him.

and i dressed fem up for this date. and at one point i just felt so butch next to him. and it was nice to feel that way.

i want to do it again.

weekly update

i am done with my goals for the month, 64% done for the year, giving me a B-.

and i got a date this month.

i really want to work and get all of September’s goals done. i don’t know if that is possible but i can fucking try.

and the date this month, just realized that i haven’t been on a first date in 20 years and this is the 1st person i found all on my own in 23 years.

there are things i want to say but i don’t want to put out there in this world’s internet.

or just put them out there at all. words have power.

fuck, i casted a spell with my fucking Tinder profile.

and there is magic i’m planning on working next week, full moon and all.

and it’s for my date.

:-)

Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft

“Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft.”

“You’re a witch. Isn’t that what you do?”

“Not like this.”

“What did you do?”

“I think a love spell.”

“You don’t even know what spell you did? Start from the beginning!”

“Well, I don’t know when I did it.”

“Don’t make me open this flask. And I am not sharing.”

“I was thinking of my Tinder profile and I realized I got what I asked for and maybe I made it a spell.”

“What does your profile say?”

“Queer Witch looking for a partner.
Partner should be a whole person, knows who they are, and what they want in this life.”

“Nice.”

“And I got that.”

“With HIM.”

“Yeah.”

“I am not going to forgive you for this.”

“I keep thinking of more witchcraft I can do.”

“On who?”

“On me. For this.”

“Baby Gurl, you got all of this without magic.”

“So, I shouldn’t do anything more?”

“You should do it all. Go for blood.”

“I got a date in a month.”

“Get off your ass and start The Work!”

“Yes Mother.”

PRIDE, Day 27

Tell me something you really like about yourself.

 

I am fucking happy right now.  Prompts can be found here.

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE

“Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE.”

“TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!”

“I was so out of my element. And there were so many people there and furries.”

“In this weather?”

“And there was a lot of tails...”

“Tell me about HIM.”

“I want to preface this with they use any pronouns and I am just going with he/him for the time being.”

“Fair. What about HIM?”

“And now my brain goes blank.”

“Just start shooting.”

“He was all over the place because he was a volunteer for PRIDE. He also said he volunteers for the Trevor Project.”

“Wow.”

“HE like the Phantom movie and Gerard Butler as Phantom.”

“Oh gods.”

“He vapes and was wearing off brand crocs.”

“Is there any good news?”

“This morning my brain kept keeps going to back to one thought about last night.

“I met a fully formed person. This person was built on the life they lived. This was a choose your own adventure where it went off the rails and end at PRIDE.

“Matthew is not fully formed. I said after rewatching The Sopranos, I see so much he copied off that show as his personality. That and American Psycho.

“And HIM is fully formed?”

“I think of it as I am joining HIS show at season 38 and I am trying to play catch up. Kinda like dropping into the middle of Supernatural and trying to catch all the lore without watching all the back seasons.”

“HE’s got a lot of catching up with you. But that will be for another time. Where are you going from here?”

“I want to get to know HIM better. I think this could be a friendship.”

“And?”

“I want to start there. I realized that while I thought the whole purity culture didn’t affect me but I got some things I need to unpack.”

“Well then. What is our next step?”

“Keep on txting. See what happens next.”

“Loose with all the plans?”

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Bitch.”

i did it

i put in my first day of work. some things don’t change and some things are way different.

i was sent home early because of labor. i know i am low man on the food chain but, i kept up with bread during breakfast and didn’t freak out during our rush.

i call it a win.

i came home and sat down, did some piddling and thought i should be doing something!

there is nothing to do…

there is stuff to do, but cleaning had always bogged me down. there was just, always some thing that i needed to catch up, to do. and not right now.

June will start a new month and a new list of things, but in this last few days, nope. i have done it all.

the basement, it is clean.

my fucking closet is organized.

i am living my best life.

optimist

let’s focus on the good things.

i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.

i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.

i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.

i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.

i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.

i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.

i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

happy

i’m going to start packing this week. i made my packing list and i need to start putting stuff together. trying to pack a hell of lot lighter than in years past.

that will be the challenge.