update?

this is not how i thought this month would go.

i still feel that something is holding me back. like, i have depression and it’s not letting me live the life i want.

and on paper, things are good. friends, job, family, things look good.

so why can’t i put down my phone and actually do some fucking work?

i throw cards and it’s the same answer all the time, get up and fucking study.

i cut down on goals for the year because i am trying to get a better focus on who i want to be this year.

i see what the problem is and the laziness comes and gets me and i don’t do anything.

fuck, i don’t even play SIMS right now. that feels like too much work, trying to start up new houses and families.

i use to get my money goals in. not right now i am.

did it start when i crapped out on my posting my cards of the day? i have been trying very hard to get back into that.

let me post this, do a work out (I AM SEEING IZZY IN 15 DAYS I NEED TO LOOK GOOD!!!), and see what the night beings me.

weekly update

i am 97% done for the month, 9% done for the year, giving me a F.

but i got the crafting shelf organized! fuck yes!

and i got projects unearthed that i need to work on.

and i got an idea what i want to paint. i have small canvas i can try things out on before i get out the big one.

next week i need to work on getting the crafting table cleaned off and then the living room and the altars.

the next step i need to work on is stop the scrolling in bed and start reading more. at minimum, i need to work on that Halloween poem book and the Sylvia Plath book.

and to get on with the working out and meditating.

i am moving forward, in more then one way.

weekly update

i am 75% done for the month, 7% done for the year, giving me a F.

i am making forward progress on my weekends. i am cleaning and getting stuff done. what i am not doing is stuff during the week. i need to start doing something there.

i need to stop with the “doom scrolling” at night and just start reading in bed. i have too many books (just got 3 this week) and am not reading them. i saw a post where someone had a room floor covered with books they have not read, a foot or more deep.

i don’t want to be that person.

it also means i’m not going to the library for a while.

i also need to get on with working out and meditating.

and working towards the next level of my daily practice.

i did a post on Tumblr today that made me pause. it was about worshiping the Norse deities and said that start with what feels familiar/makes sense to you. after that, “Let your worship change as you develop a stronger interpersonal relationship with (and deeper understanding of) the deity you're venerating. You have complete freedom.”

i have fallen off the worshiping of Karpo that i don’t feel anything anymore. and last year made me rethink of how i ward my home and the adding of the seasonal oracle decks of Seasons of the Witch, i do have a lot of things in my head that i need to sit and work on.

but first, i need to clean this lair of mine.

maybe for Imbolc i can get the witchcraft rolling.

day 8

new goal plans.

i have mind/body/soul listed as a daily goal. i want to either work out, meditate, or do gummies, every day.

i have been bad at this. and now i’ve added stakes to it.

i have a book with a guided meditation cd. i’ve set myself the goal to do each session 15 times before i can go to the next one. that boils down to having to do mind/body/soul 30 days in a row.

so i’ve done the gummies two days, today is gonna be a meditate night. tomorrow will be a work out day, and so on.

i also need to up my daily practice. i need to read the book and see what is the next level.

only going up, from here to the end of the calendar year.

want to write, don’t have anything to write

been doing my morning papers every day. it’s the 1st things i do, before putting on glasses or anything, or at least i try to.

after my birthday, i’m going back to the book and start moving forward with more of the exercises.

i also want to investigate more workouts. i need to work my abs and arms more.

and if i can workout every other day, i want the other day to be for meditation.

and build the fucking ancestors altar.

maybe i’m losing my passion here because of the morning papers. i am getting stuff out of my head.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

we are moving forward

we are moving forward.

and yes, my pronoun is we.

i hit my goals for April, and with 7 days left, trying to get more done. i know i need to pack and all that for my trip but, let me sit for a hot min.

and it’s Disco Night at the bar! i haven’t been since 2023 and i am so ready for it! i know i’m going in with my county shit so, Urban Cowboy?

i want to work on my Book of Shadows (really thinking of renaming it) and my Book of Cartomancy today. need to put away the laundry, and start packing.

and work out.

so much to do, time to get going.

weekly update

i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.

i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.

i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.

i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.

i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.

there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.

it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.

the state of Amerwitch

and what state am i in?

i am still here. i am still here and i am still moving forward.

i pull my cards and i tell my story. the cards have never led me wrong, no matter the deck.

fall is done. i plan on warding once i post this. i need to work on some cleaning.

i need to gather the books i want to read and plot out how i am moving forward with my witchcraft.

i want to start working out. i need to carve out time for that.

i need to, overall, come up with a plan on how to get it all done: working out, cleaning, witchcraft, studying my new decks, crocheting.

i know a large part of that will be stop playing games and start focusing more on The Work.

and i know this is going to be a slow process, to get to that level.

it’s the matter of getting up and getting going.

and that’s i am going to do.

i want

i want to write more. i have my two projects i am working on now, “The Work” and my Supernatural/Schitt's Creek fic. i know i want to make the fic smutty. never done that before but, here’s to new things.

i want to write more about my witchcraft. i’ve been doing this for 20 years, i should be writing about it.

also, tarot. i have ideas, i want to put words on paper.

and my blog. i feel that i keep too much inside and that is not healthy for me.

i really want to get cleaned and organized with my lair. i got a part cleaned up after an depressing October and, i feel so much better for it.

i want to work out more. i want to get back to the moving meditation of dancing in my underwear. i miss that.

and, just plain meditation. i want to get into that groove.

going back to working out, i want to get stronger. i got some videos stashed away and i know it will be a slow walk up a hill, but to get to the top!

and another tattoo. i have it planed out and there is an idea for a third.

so, why all this? why post all these ideas?

Wednesday morning the thought of suicide crossed my mind. and the day spend half doom scrolling and cleaning and today it hit me.

i am queer. no matter how i slice the cake, i am queer. i am who ThEy are coming for. i am who ThEy want gone.

and no, it’s not happening. i feel that i can’t do anything to change the greater world but, that’s not who i am. i am very much “Keep your backyard tidy before fucking with your neighbor’s.” and that’s what i’m doing.

i am working on myself, as an act of defiance. me becoming a better person, a better queer person, being out there in this red state i live in, living my best life, laughing at the fuckers, that is an act of defiance.

is this all i can do? motherfucker, i am trying my best. i am not helping anyone by living in a pit of despair. let me get out of this pit, then i can fuck someone up.

weekly update

i am 90% done for the week, 41% for the year, giving me a D.

the reason is because i added 3 goals for the year.

by July i want to use my oracle deck!

my one big win is this is the 2nd day this month that i am below 280 lbs!

i am kicking ass!

weekly update

small steps equal some progress.

i’m 99% done for the month, 66% done for the year giving me a B- grade.

i’m still needing some get up and go with my life. i am moving inches but i want to move more.

but i am moving more. i am trying dancing as a moving mediation. i’m blasting Florance and the Machine and feel like i’m praying.

so i do have some things going better then i thought. that’s why i write, to keep track of shit.

time to get up and move.

how we doing?

how we doing?

i am ok. i don’t know if last week was PMS or what but i feel like things are going forward. i am moving inches and it feels great.

and there is a strong call of meditate yelling at me. i am going to try some moving mediation by cranking the music and just dancing. i think it’s a step and maybe i’ll get some thoughts going.

i do need to work on the list i made and did not do on Wednesday. i will chalk that up to period pain and move forward on Saturday.

i want things to be better by Fall and, that may not happen but i know i can get it better. i have plans and idea and i see the bigger picture.

it’s a matter of working on a small corner to get to the bigger picture.

weekly update

i’m 102% done for the month, 60% done for the year, giving me a B- grade.

my weight went up in a not good way. i need to start a workout routine and stick with it.

i did try something fun last night. i wrote for 30 mins and worked on card reading for 30 mins. i got shit done and it was great.

big thing i want to do this month is get my closet cleaned out and study the Mabon deck i got.

weekly update

well, it’s been a week.

i’m 129% done for the month, 54% done for the year, giving me a A- grade.

today i got above 300 lbs again and i am not happy about that.

i need to get back to working out. i am trying to keep up with watching what i eat but my workouts are a big fail.

i also need to crack down and get shit done. i make list and plans and it all goes away and down the drain with a game of Age of Mythology.

my cards call me out about this week and i kinda ignore them. today’s reading:

Cards of the Day: Chariot, Tower, Dr. Strange, Valkyrie, Witches Hanging Rope, and Fire Element.

I had 2 Tarot cards fall out and just picked 2 cards from the other decks.

6 cards to tell me what?

This past week has not been the best for me and my cards are calling me out on that. I am a bad ass who has control over the things that are pulling me into a darken blar. I need to use my power and get myself better.

and i pray i can get there.

weekly update

i’m 119% done for the month, 50% for the year, giving me a B grade.

i really haven’t done much.

i am mostly waiting for the end of my Marvel Weekend and coming back ready to put in the new work.

i will get back to the working out, keeping track what i eat, and the start of mediation.

keep on reading Crafting a Daily Practice and start that work. back it up with Kissing the Limitless. maybe get another book into the mix to try to become a better person.

i got to get up and get my hair cut, pack, and do some witchcraft for this trip.

:-)

weekly update

i’m 143% done for the month, 48% for the year, giving me a A grade.

the way i am plotting out things, i think i am going to try to get back to meditation, again. one of my goals is to read Inner Temple and that would be a great way to get going on that.

i’m down 13 pounds. if i start the arm workout, i might see improvements by October. that gives me incentive to get going and look hotter for my birthday.

i am looking forward to Springfield, so fucking hard this year. i want to start packing, now.

oOo, there is witchcraft i need to do to be ready for Springfield!

weekly update

i’m 132% done for the month, 33% for the year, still a B- grade.

the big win is that when i weigh myself this morning, i was below 300.

i was 299.8.

it has been a long time since i was in the 200’s and i am thrilled by it.

now to keep it and to keep losing it.

i need to work on my #ToDoList and clean some shit.

stuff

where do i start?

Matthew came up last week, ate all my food, and over all we had a good time. we saw Grandma and Ant-Man and we went to the weed store and i got a bag of gummys…

yeah, that was its own trip.

i like the store, have recommended it. it was my first one and it was a good experience. the gummys are a variety pack and i tried the a half one of the full power one (i am treating this very carefully and trying to write down what is going on because, SCIENCE!) and it was great! i felt so wonderful and free and it was great.

last night i tired half a gummy of the half power and it was ok. longer to do things and still felt good. still have one more flavor/level to try.

i have rethought of doing workouts as calling it my Dora Milaje training. now, i feel a need to do it and try my best at it. i am aiming for 4 days a week of doing something and so far, so good.

maybe the feel of limbo is still over me but i am working on moving forwards.

weekly update

new month, new goals, i’m 170% for the month, 28% for the year, giving me just an A grade this go around.

i’m a stopping point, no that’s not it.

the cards keep coming up as limbo and i don’t know why. i am working on my tarot notebook and that is not lending itself to moving number ups but i am working!

i want to get the tarot notebook done, then start studying the decks i have. along the way, work out this week.

and do a reading to find out what the fuck is up with this theme of limbo that’s over me.