where have i been?

where have i been?

work is ok, home is ok. after all the stress and bullshit, both came out fine and dandy.

the new floor is almost stripy. it’s great.

one year free. that’s what i keep thinking. i am one year free from all the bullshit that i thought was going to take me out. like a opossum, i am coming back from the dead to hiss at all you fuckers.

Cole is moving back to St. Louis so Colt is the only one left in Springfield. i am worried about him being by himself. i won’t be there till Doomsday and that’s a long ways away.

i want to get back into doing more. i keep saying that i am starting THIS month and then things fall apart. this time i am going to move forward. one year free and i am going to run with that freedom. get back to reading and studying and cleaning. things are fine at home and at work. i am fine. it is time to move forward.

trying to move

i am trying.

no SIMS tonight, i need to get shit done.

after i post this, i’m throwing cards, shower, meditate, and start a notebook.

this notebook is going to be a planner of sorts. i want to make list and plot out when i can do stuff and then DO IT!

chatted with Colt last night and i put words together.

i realized i have this habit of "doing ThIs will cure me of my current problem!" and then doing the thing, being better for a while, and then going back to square one.

i need to make real changes, no matter how small, to be able to move forward.

there is nothing holding me back but myself.

What's It All About?

i am still here. i only wanted to take January “off” and kick off February and then life happens.

i have been slacking. i tried playing Sims 4 and i just don’t care for the game. off chance i went to look to see if they had Sims 2 and they did. all of them for $30.

and down that hole i went, bad.

i am failing with doing The Work and that needs to stop, now. i am not moving forward and that is someone i don’t want to be.

the basement is getting cleaner, i have a job i like that is 1,000 times less stressful, i have a Bear in Rolla that likes me and wants me, i have my wonderful friends in Springfield, i have the fucking best niblings in the world, too many things are positive in my life for me to turn into mush.

so, tonight is the last night of goofing off. i need to buckle up and get to The Work. i need to step up my reading and studying. i need to get going with the cleaning.

is this all going to happen overnight? no. will i have setbacks, in this month alone? yes? can i read one page a day? fuck yes, i can do at least that.

let’s get going.

day 22

work is ok but for that one fuckwit who works there. i realized i think about him too much so i keep repeating "I call all my power back to me" to calm down and banish him away.

i don't have any magic on me when i'm at work so i need to make me come charms to keep shit away from me.

the weather has been wonderful. it feels like i'm in a horror movie this whole month.

it's been great to have November, with all the fall elements and no fucking Christmas being shoved down my throat.

McRibs still are evil.

i worry about my friends having enough money to survive while i'm living large, but not large enough to share.

day 9

i feel like shit because my life is going well and my friends’ lives are failing.

their jobs do not pay enough for the fancy lifestyle of wanting a roof over your head and food on the table.

my mind is going old with the idea of winter coming and hoping to have enough food store up to make it to the growing season. and this brings worries over my loved ones.

day 3

Colt, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I was such a bitch to you on Halloween or why I have been a bitch in general to you.

I still worry about you, love you, and pray for you.

I don’t feel #ILoveYou3000 or #CuzWereConnected is as strong as it was.

I know I have changed, and that I am still changing. With the changes, I know I still want you in my life.

I am sorry.

everything

i don’t know where to start.

i had my birthday weekend and it was rough. i got called out by the 2 most important people in the world, had my identity question, and just was rough.

it was the first time i was excited to go home after my visit.

i need to find a new hotel. i am haunted and i am not playing that game anymore.

not if I am taking Izzy with me next year.

i have plans for Halloween. i’m not going to be in my backyard, around a fire, watching The VVitch.

i will be with Izzy, watching The VVitch, in a hotel room.

it was their idea, the hotel room. originally it was just going be at his place but, they texted me, saying could get a room with 2 beds, i can leave whenever and fuck, what a gentlethem!

we haven’t done anything, not even hugging or holding hands and boom, third date in a hotel room, an overnight slumber party.

i am excited and kinda scared.

also, i came up with a spell to get rid of something. and i know it’s working all ready, before i even casted it.

i got my clothes picked out for Halloween. i know my makeup and i even got my horns out.

and i need to go to bed.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

hello September!

hello September!

the weather cooled off and it’s getting nippy at times. last night i went to the backyard and tried to feel for Autumn. i didn’t, but it’s getting there.

tomorrow is the last full moon of summer and i am doing some magic. the three of us, me, Nicole, and Colt, have been lacking in physical contact of late (like 2 years ago being the avenge) and i made a spell for it. we all deserve some action, with benefits. what’s the point of being a witch if you can’t throw some magic out there for friends and yourself?

trying to set up a 2nd date with Izzy. first time i’ve used their name here. they use all the pronouns so, just watch out on the ones that pop up around them/him/her.

i like him. that’s all i can say right now. i like him, txting him is great, he’s a delight.

and that spell is to help things along…

i need to make a list of herbs i need in my stash of witchcraft supplies. i have no garlic or chili pepper in my stash. i need to look it over hard and make a list of what i need.

almost there...

last update for fucking August!

this August has not been as bad as year’s past. i don’t know what happen to me or August but, we made it.

i am remembering other Augusts. the one where i saw Guardians of the Galaxy and didn’t write for a whole month because i could not image that i would have 2 guys, TWO, sitting with my at Chili’s, one stocking my thigh, the other my arm , both of them loving me. my inner 4-year-old was beside herself.

and now i’m toying with the idea of being someone’s boyfriend.

i am done with all my September’s goals. i want to start new stuff. i want to try to get into a daily practice, get back into my witchcraft books, become a better witch.

i feel that i am becoming better is many areas, that i need to step up my witchcraftness.

i am trying to be off my phone more and stop playing computer games that don’t go anywhere.

weekly update

i am moving by the smallest of inches.

i gave up on a “clean” August and had fun last night.

HE made me think of a poem and of witchcraft.

and the texting is getting a bit, risqué.

Colt calls him my boyfriend but i can firmly say he’s a crush. i do have a crush on him. it’s as far as i want to call it.

and with talking to the new kittens last night, there is a rule i need to tell HIM about.

i feed you, i touch you.

he fed me, he gets to touch me.

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

optimist

let’s focus on the good things.

i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.

i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.

i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.

i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.

i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.

i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.

i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

not county but cunty

Mom made my shirt. the material is small squares of various shades of pink plaids. i told her this was the shirt i was going to wear to the bar when i hit it with Nicole and Colt.

it’s done. it’s so more county looking then i thought it was going to be.

i can’t go goth in this shirt. i was almost wanting to chuck it and then i remember “not county but cunty.”

i have tried to look up Chappell Roan makeup looks and, i’m not made for this.

back to some bad ideas and throwing eye shadow on my face.

here we go…

i don’t know what happens but things happen. i didn’t fall off the earth, but a vacation like that sounds nice.

i am booking along with my goals. i got a short list of things i want to 20 min a night it but Mom wants stuff down and that shoots my plans down. i need to work harder on that.

the new Daredevil show started and i have not watch it. i am behind. i am behind with the MCU. ya know something is up if yer girl is behind with the MCU.

i know why. and i know why i get weird when Colt says he has a gift for me.

so many signs says i need to move forward. i think i am. i know i’m not going backwards. i’m not going-

i am treading water. i am just treading water and not going anywhere.

i am keeping my head above water. i am doing that.

tomorrow i start reading Evolutionary Witchcraft. i feel that this is a good step for me. after that, it’s onto Crafting a Daily Practice.

maybe this is the movement i need.

Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive

“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”

“That’s always a good sign.”

“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”

“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”

“I went alone.”

“How asexual of you.”

“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.

“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”

“Kind of creepy, go on.”

“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.

“How was the movie?”

“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”

“End scene?”

“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”

“Springfield is in-”

“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”

“O… K… What happen after the movie?”

“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.

“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”

“Tipped 30%?”

“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.

“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”

“Making good choices I see.”

“I spend a 100 at the store.”

“What the hell did you get?”

“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”

“Why?”

“Witchcraft.”

“Is that all you going to say about it?”

“And then I came home.”

“That’s all?”

“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”

“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”

“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

“But you did this all on your own.”

“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”

“Fuck right.”

“Fuck. Right.”

weekly update

i am 99% done for the month, 18% done for the year, giving me a F+. whoot!

i am very much looking forward to my big VD celebration this weekend. i hope to do all i have plan.

i have ideas and there seems to be a block in them. i know my card of the month is the Hanged Man but i am trying hard to make inches forward.

maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s work, maybe it’s Colt, but the blars is getting bad. there is good veins of good here but, the rest can drag a bitch down.

weekly update

i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.

i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.

i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.

i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.

i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.

there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.

it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.

i don't know

how am i?

not good bitch.

i think stress is slowly eating at me and i don’t know what to do to stop it beside just start heavily drinking every night.

the one place is out of my CBD gummies. i got some destressing things from store and i don’t know how well they will work. i took some this morning and didn’t see any difference. will try again tomorrow night.

i even skipped a day of cards. i know that is not a good sign.

i did get my crafting table cleared off, and my side desk organized. i think i need to so my main desk next (if not tonight) to get things looking better.

i am working on 2025 goals right now. i’m 2ish % done for the next year and keep working on things.

i worked on my oracle deck yesterday. i need to make a spread sheet for it and print off what i have done and give it a look over. maybe send some info to Nicole for a second set of eyes.

AND! i got Colt to agree to watch Buffy. it took me some 20 mins and i am to watch Once Upon a Time to boot.

20 mins. it took breaking up for Matthew to start watching Peaky Blinders, after years of me telling him he would like it.

Colt is showing me what a real man is. he is setting the bar very high for any dude who wants to partner up with me.

i am trying to watch Dune so i can move onto the Bene Gesserit show that is out now.