hello September!
the weather cooled off and it’s getting nippy at times. last night i went to the backyard and tried to feel for Autumn. i didn’t, but it’s getting there.
tomorrow is the last full moon of summer and i am doing some magic. the three of us, me, Nicole, and Colt, have been lacking in physical contact of late (like 2 years ago being the avenge) and i made a spell for it. we all deserve some action, with benefits. what’s the point of being a witch if you can’t throw some magic out there for friends and yourself?
trying to set up a 2nd date with Izzy. first time i’ve used their name here. they use all the pronouns so, just watch out on the ones that pop up around them/him/her.
i like him. that’s all i can say right now. i like him, txting him is great, he’s a delight.
and that spell is to help things along…
i need to make a list of herbs i need in my stash of witchcraft supplies. i have no garlic or chili pepper in my stash. i need to look it over hard and make a list of what i need.
last update for fucking August!
this August has not been as bad as year’s past. i don’t know what happen to me or August but, we made it.
i am remembering other Augusts. the one where i saw Guardians of the Galaxy and didn’t write for a whole month because i could not image that i would have 2 guys, TWO, sitting with my at Chili’s, one stocking my thigh, the other my arm , both of them loving me. my inner 4-year-old was beside herself.
and now i’m toying with the idea of being someone’s boyfriend.
i am done with all my September’s goals. i want to start new stuff. i want to try to get into a daily practice, get back into my witchcraft books, become a better witch.
i feel that i am becoming better is many areas, that i need to step up my witchcraftness.
i am trying to be off my phone more and stop playing computer games that don’t go anywhere.
i am moving by the smallest of inches.
i gave up on a “clean” August and had fun last night.
HE made me think of a poem and of witchcraft.
and the texting is getting a bit, risqué.
Colt calls him my boyfriend but i can firmly say he’s a crush. i do have a crush on him. it’s as far as i want to call it.
and with talking to the new kittens last night, there is a rule i need to tell HIM about.
i feed you, i touch you.
he fed me, he gets to touch me.
Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!
Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time.
Prompts can be found here.
let’s focus on the good things.
i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.
i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.
i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.
i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.
i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.
i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.
i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.
how am i?
i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.
talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.
i want to be like that.
i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.
then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.
and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?
Mom made my shirt. the material is small squares of various shades of pink plaids. i told her this was the shirt i was going to wear to the bar when i hit it with Nicole and Colt.
it’s done. it’s so more county looking then i thought it was going to be.
i can’t go goth in this shirt. i was almost wanting to chuck it and then i remember “not county but cunty.”
i have tried to look up Chappell Roan makeup looks and, i’m not made for this.
back to some bad ideas and throwing eye shadow on my face.
i don’t know what happens but things happen. i didn’t fall off the earth, but a vacation like that sounds nice.
i am booking along with my goals. i got a short list of things i want to 20 min a night it but Mom wants stuff down and that shoots my plans down. i need to work harder on that.
the new Daredevil show started and i have not watch it. i am behind. i am behind with the MCU. ya know something is up if yer girl is behind with the MCU.
i know why. and i know why i get weird when Colt says he has a gift for me.
so many signs says i need to move forward. i think i am. i know i’m not going backwards. i’m not going-
i am treading water. i am just treading water and not going anywhere.
i am keeping my head above water. i am doing that.
tomorrow i start reading Evolutionary Witchcraft. i feel that this is a good step for me. after that, it’s onto Crafting a Daily Practice.
maybe this is the movement i need.
“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”
“That’s always a good sign.”
“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”
“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”
“I went alone.”
“How asexual of you.”
“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”
“Tell me about it.”
“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.
“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”
“Kind of creepy, go on.”
“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.
“How was the movie?”
“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”
“End scene?”
“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”
“Springfield is in-”
“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”
“O… K… What happen after the movie?”
“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.
“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”
“Tipped 30%?”
“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.
“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”
“Making good choices I see.”
“I spend a 100 at the store.”
“What the hell did you get?”
“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”
“Why?”
“Witchcraft.”
“Is that all you going to say about it?”
“And then I came home.”
“That’s all?”
“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”
“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”
“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”
“But you did this all on your own.”
“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”
“Fuck right.”
“Fuck. Right.”
i am 99% done for the month, 18% done for the year, giving me a F+. whoot!
i am very much looking forward to my big VD celebration this weekend. i hope to do all i have plan.
i have ideas and there seems to be a block in them. i know my card of the month is the Hanged Man but i am trying hard to make inches forward.
maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s work, maybe it’s Colt, but the blars is getting bad. there is good veins of good here but, the rest can drag a bitch down.
i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.
i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.
i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.
i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.
i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.
there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.
it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.
how am i?
not good bitch.
i think stress is slowly eating at me and i don’t know what to do to stop it beside just start heavily drinking every night.
the one place is out of my CBD gummies. i got some destressing things from store and i don’t know how well they will work. i took some this morning and didn’t see any difference. will try again tomorrow night.
i even skipped a day of cards. i know that is not a good sign.
i did get my crafting table cleared off, and my side desk organized. i think i need to so my main desk next (if not tonight) to get things looking better.
i am working on 2025 goals right now. i’m 2ish % done for the next year and keep working on things.
i worked on my oracle deck yesterday. i need to make a spread sheet for it and print off what i have done and give it a look over. maybe send some info to Nicole for a second set of eyes.
AND! i got Colt to agree to watch Buffy. it took me some 20 mins and i am to watch Once Upon a Time to boot.
20 mins. it took breaking up for Matthew to start watching Peaky Blinders, after years of me telling him he would like it.
Colt is showing me what a real man is. he is setting the bar very high for any dude who wants to partner up with me.
i am trying to watch Dune so i can move onto the Bene Gesserit show that is out now.
“Bless me Mother for I have sinned. It has been since the last millennium since I have been to confession.”
“You sound like a vampire.”
“Maybe I am.”
“What did you do?”
“It was my birthday weekend.”
“Oh fuck.”
“Let’s just say I got sent a dick pic and a vag pic on my birthday. And a tattoo.”
“This is going to take a while, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
*pops open a can of something* “Start confessin’.”
“It’s not the whole trip I want to deal with, it’s just two things I want to focus on.”
“Hit me.”
“The first is my tattoo.”
“I saw the ink, 3 of Swords from the tarot?”
“Yes. It hit me one day that’s what I wanted and I just went with it.
“I thought I wanted it all black but, just the outline. I can color in the heart and maybe the swords with makeup later. To match my mood or my outfit.”
“Maybe some glitter?”
“Only at the gay bar. Speaking of that…”
“Do you remember that night?”
“Like Jim Steinman said, ‘I remember everything.’
“But, back to the tattoo.
“I get to the shop and talk to my artist, Johnny. He thought I wanted an anatomical accurate heart and I’m like no. I pulled out my deck to show him the card and he asked if he could take a picture of it, to work up a sketch. I felt better, knowing that my tattoo will be my deck.”
“The 3 of Swords from the Rider–Waite-Smith deck? That’s basic. You Google it and it shows up. Why would it matter if it was from your deck or the internet?”
“Because my deck has my energy in it. I work with this deck, it knows me. It holds my energy. It’s not just a tattoo of any 3 of Swords, it’s a tattoo of my favorite card from the deck I use.”
“Fair. Keep confessin’.”
“When he was prepping me, I asked if that was his kindergarten diploma on the wall. He said yes, it was and it was to prove he knew his shapes and colors. I was in good hands with an educated man.
“And I sat and got it done.”
“Did it hurt?”
“Yes and no. There was pain but I have had mensural cramps so bad I was on the floor crying. This was a piece of cake.”
“Nice. What about the bar?”
“Cut to the bone I see.”
“Hit me with the deets!”
“It started at Chili’s with me and Nicole looking like a gothic lesbian couple with our severely under-dressed boyfriend. I gave them my phone, told them my password, and let Colt go crazy on Tinder. That’s how I got the dick and vag pics.
“Who’s-”
“Not answering.
“We then make out way to the bar, the long way. At one point I asked Colt how far he has gone with a girl.”
“And?”
“And he told me and that’s my truth to keep.
“Whatever. When are we getting to the super heavy stuff?”
“At the bar I, I did too much of everything. I took too many drugs and was drinking all the booze but the stronger kicker was when I got hit on.”
“You what? No, this was a men’s gay bar, you and Nicole were the only women there.”
*glares in queerness*
“My bad. You were the only lesbian looking bitches there.”
“Yeah. He brought me a drink and Colt and Nicole were very happy about it.”
“Where did it go wrong?”
“So, here’s where it’s gets complicated.
“It took me a long time before I realized why part of it threw me so hard.
“I am not wired for casual. With Colt and Nicole there, I felt a pressure to be ready to marry the next man to walk into my life. Or at least to fuck him.
“Like that night, be ready to go all the way.”
“They were not, were they?”
“I asked them later and separate and they both gave me the correct answer. They wanted me to have fun.
“And then the night got bad.
“I scared off Austin, I was not feeling anymore and got tooken home by Colt. I made it inside the hotel bathroom before throwing up.”
“Oh, it had to be bad if you threw up.”
“Colt watched me undressed and I badly wanted to strip down to my underwear but my poor body image stopped me.
“And I passed out in my bed. Woke up with no hang over.”
“That’s my girl.”
“And that was the big strokes of my birthday. There are smaller things to think about but, time may erase them from me.”
“Don’t get all poetic on me now.”
“So, what’s my penance?”
“Well, you did the spells on Halloween. You are out there, ish. You are making plans to be better for next year.”
“There’s a lot of books I want to read.”
“I think your penance should be a badder badass.”
“Yes, because bitches with tattoos should not act like I did.”
*takes a shot* “Fuck yeah.”
i have been rethinking so much. throwing out things, adding things, getting back into a groove, starting a new groove.
this time tomorrow it will be October. i will be on vacation, and getting ever so closer to my birthday.
i am ready to be in Springfield and be with Colt and Nicole.
i am ready for the next chapter to start. i’m ready for this new change to get into me and for me to move forward with it.
i was going with the idea of a spiritual awaking and now i’m thinking this is some form of a mid-life crises.
i just wonder how i’m having a mid-life crisis without having a life.
sometimes it's not
the story we tell but how we tell it...
“Are you ever going to write about your trip to Springfield?”
“No, I am going to let that weekend rot away into the dark.”
“You had fun. You came home with an opossum.”
“And a snapper.”
“Tell me about it.”
“The snapper?”
“The whole fucking weekend!”
“I was a grown up and booked the hotel room and rented the car all by myself. It was the first steps for this weekend.
“I felt better once I got the car, the 2023 new shiny object named Charlotte.
“I loaded up the car to find out the fucking car has no USB port. It’s all C ports.”
“What the hell?”
“And it didn’t like Google maps and I wasn’t going to subscribe for a few days and I am so fucking tired of everything being a subscription-based life.
“I’m on the road, listening to my podcast, made it all the way to Springfield without crying. I make it to Chili’s and txt Nicole for our lunch date.”
“How adult of you.”
“I know!
“Anyway, we lunch, I get my nose pierced, I buy a tarot deck, and set up an appointment for a tattoo.”
“A tattoo?!?”
“Yeah. We will talk about that later.”
“Much later.”
“I make it back to the hotel and crank the air down to ice and just relax. I have the whole room to myself, and unpack.
“I loved the fact that I will be the only one in this room. That I have full control over where things and how I can keep it neat.
“I lay on the bed, pop out my tablet and keep on my rewatch of Gray’s Anatomy.”
“Was that the only thing you watch?”
“Yes. I started way back in March and I was able to keep going. No time wasting going over all the different streaming services, no time wasted scrolling thought all the shows and movies just to watch the same fucking movie, over and over.”
“Or watching something for an hour and then switching to something else and being told that you are not watching, even thought you had no desire to watch the show and told said person that.”
“None of that fuckery happen.”
“Tell me about Colt.”
“He came over, Nicole came over. Next time, I want a pizza party, an old fashion slumber party type.”
“How is our DarkShark?”
“His ass was giving him problems.”
“He is an ass.”
“It happens.”
“Not the brightest crayon in the box but he’s our favorite color.”
“It was a fun small night. They go home and I am left with a king size bed all to myself.”
“Not just an ass width on the edge?”
“The whole fucking thing.”
“Nice.”
“Wake up, made a Walmart run for breakfast, fucking app is worthless, back to the room and then Nicole comes over and we make our way the Alamo for the movie.”
“Tell me about the movie! Give me all the spoilers!”
“I watched all the X-men cartoons, the new olds, and then a watch/rewatch of all the X-Men movies. I could see where Fox was going with the movies but, they lack heart. They kept throwing in more and more characters that just show up for a movie and then to be never seen again and, why? What’s the point of a one-night stand?”
“Are you just spoiled with having the MCU?”
“Maybe.”
“Did you watch the Deadpool movies?”
“Yes. And the weird thing about those movies, they felt they had heart.”
“Heart? Deadpool?”
“First one was a love story, 2nd was a found family thing. With all the fourth wall breaking and f-bombs, they had heart. They had a story. They made you care. X-Men just felt they forced a story on you, based on the love of the comic and cartoons.”
“It’s hard to care about characters when you don’t have any emotional attachment to them and the movie is banking on some feels from a cartoon show you were supposed to base your childhood on.”
“Fair. What about this movie?”
“Deadpool is about sacrilegious. And they started off with sacrilegious. And the movie went off from there.”
“What was your favorite parts?”
“Well, Chris Evans showed up and right when we thought he was gonna yell ‘Avengers assemble’ he yelled ‘Flame on.’”
“No!”
“And I didn’t think I was going to go so feral when Blade showed up.”
“Blade!”
“Wesley still has it.
“And then, he showed up.”
“Who?!?”
“Channing Tatum as Gambit.”
“Oh, my gods. They went there.”
“They went to a lot of places. One of them had comic book accurate short Wolverine.”
“You thought of him, right there, didn’t you?”
“Yes. I thought of him off and on during the movie.”
“He’s not coming back.”
“It’s a matter of I am not taking him back. Back to the movie!
“Overall, that movie had heart. It was a buddy flick of found familyness?”
“Did they kiss?”
“The Internet has deemed the fight scene in the van as them fucking.”
“Nice.”
“After the movie, we made our way to Bass Pro Shop to find an opossum. I did not think it would be so fucking hard to find an opossum at freaking Bass Pro Shop. Tons of penguins to buy.
“Nicole found an opossum, right after I found a snapping turtle. My budget was $50, both were $20 and both came home.
“We decide in the parking lot that Nicole would stay home and me and Colt would hit the bar that night.
“Colt took a nap.”
“You haven’t napped since the Reagan administration.”
“Damn right.
“I woke his ass up, we went to Taco Bell, and then the bar,”
“And the drinking and gummies?”
“Yes.”
“Do anything fun?”
“Well, I’m Tinder now.”
“How’s that going?”
“I gave Colt my phone and he is going on Tinder and I am like ‘No!!!!’ and he is SWIPEING RIGHT!
“Then we are chatting with a guy and I don’t know what I am doing and Colt just unmatched me with him because Colt said something (I am drunk, it is loud, and it’s been a few days since this happen) about how this guy isn’t respecting me and that Colt respects me.
“And then the other morning it hits me hard: Colt kept asking me if I was ok, all night long. If Matthew was there, he would be asking me what he was doing wrong.
“Colt was asking about me. Because he cares about me. To make sure I was ok while taking in all the alcohol and pot and the vibes of the places.
“Colt is the better boyfriend. He sees me as a whole person. I am more than just parts to fuck; I am a whole human to him.
“OH! And then the witchcraft stuff I discover!”
“At the bar?”
“Yes!
“I am at the bar. I am drunk. I am high. The music. The lights. It hits me.
“This is how my ancestors use to do it. They would eat the mushroom, and with the firelights in the caves and the drums beating, this is how they did it, this is how I am doing it now. Eons have pasted and this is the same thread.”
“What about the other things?”
“So, it hits me before seeing Dr. Strange a few years back that if crystals can store energy, and crystals are just fancy rocks, then the rocks from back yard can store energy and I can store the energy from the bar into a rock and take it home. And I did it.
“So, while at the bar this time, I just let everything in me.”
“That’s what she said.”
“ANYWAY, I don’t know if it’s because I work retail or just the way I am, I feel that I am always shielding so hard, nothing can get in or out.
“So, when I went to the backyard to do some praying a few days after I came back, I hit me.
“While in the bar, I was taking in the energy, vibes. It was in me. I woke up the next day needing a cheeseburger because I wasn’t grounded.
“If rocks can store energy and our bones are stones, then all those vibes of the bar are in me, it’s stored in my bones. I carry that with me, at all times. I don’t need a rock or that.”
“Oh wow.”
“I know.
“Sunday was spent visiting my people. It was good quality time. Sunday night was a whole pizza for myself and TV time.
“Monday, I left, driving out of the city in a way that would make Colt proud of me.”
“That’s scary to think about.”
“I made it home.”
“You had a good time.”
“I had a wonderful time. It’s been a month and I am going back 36 odd days.”
“For your birthday?”
“Yes.”
“Gonna party like it’s 1999?”
“Fuck yeah.”
“Let’s fucking go then.”
let’s look back on what i was doing 10 years ago. oh wait, there’s nothing there. i went to Springfield, saw a Marvel movie that was a changed from the previous ones i’ve seen, and realized i was in love with two men.
well, some things never changed and some things change big time.
i still need to write about that trip…
well, i was feel poorly of late. i see the signs of fall coming, but i can’t feel them. i don’t feel my Lady Autumn. i should. it’s time, or maybe too early but still, fuck.
and then i chatted with Colt’s mom and things just changed in me.
i know it’s August. i know that i have written off this month. it’s a time that doesn’t exist. and i need to make some forward progress.
i need to sit down and really write some shit out.
i got the hotel room for the wrong dates. i need to call them back and get it fixed.
i don’t think i need to go to the pot store in July. i think i can skip it. i think the first place i’m gong to hit in Springfield will be Bass Pro. i need an opossum.
my own opossum.
i did fix up my one shelf or put all my card boxes on it. it is already too little.
i can stop at any time!
i saw Mae (and the other two). she is awesome and almost walking.
i need to start shaving my legs. i don’t remember the last time i did but i want to for Colt. i hope he appreciate that.
Happy Pride!
i am 90% done for the month, 49% done for the year, giving me a C-.
i have changed so many different goals the past few weeks. i am seeing clearer and wanting to get to a certain place.
i need to WRITE. i know i need to pen to paper, and tailor it to a letter to NiColt.
right now, i want to clean.
i am feeling, it.
i have plans, i want to write things, i want to live next month.
i’m not going to Springfield, i’m not seeing a Marvel movie, i’m not celebrating 14 years with Matthew.
i am going to do things i want on the 1st. i’m going places and doing the things i have not done in a long time.
i hope to find something. i don’t know what i’m looking for but i will know it when i see it.
“Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same” that line is hitting me harder and harder. i know i was changing, i didn’t think i would get to this way.
i am making wild plans and going forward, the best i can.
so, where was i?
for the past year i have been trying to be a devotee to Karpo and theses past few weeks, i have felt cut off. i feel that someone is trying to get ahold of me, i don’t know who.
i know i need to read more and be more active in my witchcraft. i know witchcraft and religion can go hand in hand and that one is not the same as the other but i feel lost. i am trying to-
i am trying to live this new life. this life where i am working out, taking care of my body, crocheting, cleaning, being an adult.
being single…
i’m gonna let that hang out there and come back to it later.
i want to get done with the old X-Men cartoon so i can get going with the new.
i miss Colt. i should be seeing him in 3 weeks but i’m not. i won’t see him for 103 days.
i need to go to bed.
