- a day ago: work.
- a week ago: finishing up a 3-day weekend.
- a month ago: watching the season finale of Euphoria.
- six months ago: i ended 8 days in a row at work.
- a year ago: still in a pandemic, but maybe there was some light there.
- three years ago: i was working on my card readings.
- five years ago: whatever had happened, i didn’t want to remember it.
- ten years ago: had a very different set of goals that i wanted to do. i wouldn’t be able to do them due to bullshit.
- fifteen years ago: i thought my then boyfriend could give me everything i ever wanted.
- twenty years ago: Ray kissed me.
where do i begin?
i have been blogging for over 21 years. 21 years, looking at notebooks and Word, putting down thoughts and feeling on some type of paper, and then the internet.
i am not the girl from 20 years ago. she was a straight white girl and not the wonderful queer mess i am today.
i am content with where i am. it’s the not the best but i am not at the bottom of anything.
here’s for 21 more years.
26% for the year, 104% for the month, 65% average! D! whoot!
among doing the work, i hit a bump that led me to an awaking.
my main question to myself was why was not working on theses goals? i know this is a year long project but i should be up to 25% for the year and i was just dragging my feet on everything.
and then it hit me.
what happens when i get all my goals done? what happens when i get everything done on this list?
and that is what i’m scared of. i am scared of the after. i’m scared of hitting all the marks and having free time. i didn’t put any goals for writing this year. if i get everything done, i could write. i could work more on my witchcraft. i could read more, work out more, meditate more. what could i not do?
and that is what i want and scared of working for it.
and now that is a shadow that has been chasing me, i’m chasing it.
i am going to be that bitch to get shit done!
with a card reading yesterday and some thinking, i am seeing my faults better.
my fear of achieving all my goals means that i will have put real work on myself. that would lead me to being better and making others have to be better.
that would be also making my happy.
it would give me time to work on other projects. i didn’t put anything down this year about writing fiction.
or better myself as a witch.
or work on making my body better.
or just be able to finish some project i started years ago.
time to get off my ass and get to work!
i make list, i make plans. i put things all down to math. i still feel that i am not getting anywhere.
there is also the horrible realization of by not doing any of the goals i will still be a failure and ain’t that what i am?
am i just scared of not having anything left on this list? am i scared that i will have time to do more things that are better for me (reading, walking, meditating, writing)?
as much as i want to push Matthew, i need to be pushing myself.
i need to forget about bringing others up to my lvl and start raising mine.
the plans i make i need to follow them thought.
i need to stop being scared of things. i need to dig my hands into the good earth and start planting what i want to harvest by fall.
i want Halloween to be a blow out and that shit starts now.
i’m 83% for the month, 21% for the year, giving me a F average. i’m getting there.
i did revamp my list. i’ve added a #ToDoList part. a small part of my 2022 goals is doing the small things around that need to be done.
i don’t know if this will up my numbers or i’m just gaslighting myself into thinking this is better for me.
i do hope to get more done on Sunday.
how was my weekend?
well, it was a 3-day party to start with. with a handful of snow on the ground Friday, i called in. fuck them and the 18 pallets and the fuckery going on. i wash my hands of it and let it go for the time.
it was a weekend of cleaning with one hick-up. Babies came over and it was 5 hours of them being them and wonderful. they are such their own persons. they are the best.
but let’s go back the idea of a weekend.
my current work schedule is of work 3 days, off, work 2 days, off. one day off is spent with Mom doing that household stuff: cooking, cleaning, shopping. the other day i try to spend on my own work: cleaning the basement, doing laundry, cooking my lunches. if i’m lucky, i might bet a few hours to myself.
and maybe i’ll get a few hours on my other day off.
i reckon if i had 2-day weekends that i would spend one day getting shit done and the other with being at rest.
and i know that if i was “good” i would do some work when i get home and not waste time with video games that don’t being me joy.
man, i need to rethink that over.
i have a plan. i want to do it and i want it to work.
time change, the season change, the moon will be full soon.
now is the time, now is the hour.
80% done for the month, 20% done for the year, F grade but hey, it’s there.
and i’m thinking of toying with this set up. :-/
i am on top of a 3-day weekend and i want to get things done, so much.
i know there is an easy 2022 goal i can get done this weekend, and that will boost me up.
i feel a shift in everything and this will be an awarding week/month/year ahead.
well, it was a fun day of feeling better before it all went back to pot.
i tweeted out that “I do not feel attached to this current timeline.” and almost went with attacked instead of attached.
i don’t feel attacked to this current timeline.
i do have a head cold and may be high on cold meds a bit at time, but, am i not grounded enough for this?
i am doing a set of tarot prompts from @lionharts and they have been eye opening. i am thinking that more of that will help me out of the now problems.
i have the weekend off. i want to spend time doing things that will make be better.
i did get a lot of cleaning done last Saturday. hopefully get some more done on Wednesday and not spend my weekend cleaning so much.
i just need to get out of my head and be grounded in this world. if i can get this head cold out of my soul, that will help.
oh look, i went backwards with my goals this week.
theses last 2 weeks, i have dropped the ball with moving forward.
the cards, all the cards, even those who are reading for me, keep saying the same thing.
i am not putting myself first. i keep putting others and other things in front of what i want/need/everything.
i have next weekend off, the whole weekend off, just to myself. i don’t want to waste it.
and i don’t want to waste tomorrow. i made a list of things i want to get done. i don’t think i can do the whole list, but i can make a good dent into it.
i’ve spent the day, running all over, getting oil change, car inspected, ad my fucking tags.
i fucking adulted today!
and i switch out my heavy hoodie for my thinner hoodie. its this a sign of real spring?
and then i remember a part of why i love fall.
fall is a transitive season, going from hot to cold with lots of wind and ups and downs. spring is the same way.
and i am ready for it. i am ready for spring and warmer weather.
and maybe that’s my head space problem. maybe i’m getting my own version of SAD, when the season won’t change and i need them to change.
i think i am getting better, if only a bit. i need to do more cards, i need to read, i need to crochet.
i need to work on my 2022 goals!
dear amer,
i know how you are because i am you. so, let’s talk about it.
this is week two of me being in a bad head space. it started last week, before the winter storm hit. and i thought once i got home and slept in my own bed, that would cure me.
i thought a day off would cure me.
i thought working with Pat would cure me.
so, nothing right now is working or curing me or anything.
what’s a witch to do?
i know i need to take a shower, and this will be one of deep cleaning, with the scrubbing and extra conditioner.
and then some wine and tv.
and tomorrow, on my day off, is a day full of running errands.
no rest for the wicked.
lay my weary head to rest.
don't you cry no more…
