2021

In the year of our Lord Bowie 2020, it has been shit.
Let’s look on how things are going so far.
Let’s look on how things are going so far.
i got that inch in my hand.
the past week was not good for me.
June has been rough start but we will get our shit together.
So, Season of the Witch got switch to Summer of the Witch.
i am still alive.
Season of the Witch turned into Summer of the Witch and now it’s Autumn of the Witch because Fall of the Witch don’t sound good.
i don’t know where to start with all of this.
here we ago.
the theme for next year is gonna be “A Witch’s Journey”.

end days

the only thing i really want to get done by the end of the year is reading my David Bowie tarot book. i want to start using them on the 1st and ha! time is fleeting.

i want to get a lot of cleaning done on the 31st. i need the trash out, bathroom needs a going over, and i want all the dishes done. i want to start 2022 off in a cleaner state.

of all the goals that i wanted to get done by the end of this year, they don’t really matter since me and Colt are on talking terms.

no way home

I didn’t know how this weekend was going to play out. I had visions, hopes, fears, dreams came this morning.

I planned as much as I could. I carefully adored myself in layers of magick: my clothes, my hair, my makeup, my jewelry, I painted my nails, I polished my shoes, and adorned my hoodie with my pride pins.

He picked me up in the hotel parking lot.

We drove around. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t smile. My heartburn was killing me.

He acted like nothing had happened.

He smelled the same.

We made our way to the good Taco Bell. We had the same meal.

Fuck Christopher for conditioning me with the written word as the best way to communicate instead of talking.

He had talked, talked the whole time.

He turned sour when I mentioned my gender identity.

He didn’t want to deal with it.

It has to be dealt with. I want to deal with it. I wanted to talk like adults this weekend and deal with it.

I want him back. There has been a dark, shark-shaped hole in my heart for over a year and he’s the only one that can fill that shape. He can not be so heartless not to feel the same way.

Or maybe he is. People can change over a year, during a pandemic.

And I took the gummy from him and ate it.

We went down to the Roubidoux and I found a cool rock. He left me behind while I was trying to find the bird that was talking to me but it turned to be a squirrel.

And that on me being a witch and not being high.

We ended up back at the hotel where I deiced to add vodka to the gummy. Matthew didn’t really notice what was going on, thinking I was just drunk.

And us walking out of the hotel. Matthew in the front, me in the middle, Colt being the caboose, one line, the empowering it felt. Gods, I miss being polyam so fucking much.

Then the movie theater the movie.

WARNING!!! SPOILERS FOR HAWKEYE AND SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

The movie. Both jackasses were implying spoilers they thought they saw on the internets and I was trying very hard not to hurt them because I was trying to be spoiler-free as much as humanly possible.

 

Highlights of the movie: 

• Charlie Cox as Daredevil! In the same week as Vincent D’Onofrio’s Kingpin was in Hawkeye? I cried. 

• All 3 Spider-Men showing up.

 

Were those the only highlights? That’s what I liked from the movie.

Overall, the movie was good. I don’t know where this will take Spider-Baby to but, only 4 months, 2 weeks, 3 days till Dr. Strange.

We ate at El Jimador. he drove me home, Matthew had to go back to his house.

He wanted to hug me and I said no.

When I got back to the room, I almost just started crying.

Maybe it was the drugs that relaxed me but it almost felt like the olden days. It almost felt that I was loved.

I just don’t know when the adultness will kick in and we talked about that fucking elephant.

random update, why am i writing so much?

i think i have found all the year to make the next 3 deck bags. i also need to sew one for Supernatural deck. yarn for my flag will have to wait.

i thought i would have to buy more incense till i open the box i brought 20 years ago and be like, i need to be burning this shit. no more saving things.

i do need to buy more candles on Friday.

i need to make my fucking list for Friday. everything i want this year is so freaky practical it’s not even funny.

goals for the next year

the theme for next year is gonna be “A Witch’s Journey”. i know i want to focus on cartomancy but i see my cartomancy as part of my witchcraft so, it’s kinda like “Season of the Witch” Part II.

and reading. i need to read more then last year. i don’t know if 6 is too much of a goal but fuck it. i need to push myself.

i know with limiting myself to just 30 mins of Age of Mythology is giving me more time to do other things.

and crocheting. as much i need to study all my new decks, i need to crochet them bags.

and get back to my afghan.

and other projects.

i think i can do it. i think i can find the time to get off the laptop and put in the energy to move forward with all of these goals.

day 30, the end

November, it’s been real, it’s been fun, but has it been real fun?

i think i know what i want to focus on for next year. i think i know what the theme of next year should be, i just don’t know what words to use for it.

this year was “Season of the Witch and i think i improved as a as a witch this year. i got some miles down, and i know what i need to work on for next year.

next year, i want to focus on my cartomancy skills. my tag for anything card related it “let me consult my cards” so i can’t use that, as much as i want to.

i’ve seen “Cardslinger” used on Instagram but that’s not what i’m, did i just some up with the theme?

“A Fool’s Journey”? “A Witch’s Journey”? i know journey needs to be in the tag, i need to think on this.

i could ask the cards…

i need to go to bed.

day 28

i need to write something.

got some more cleaning done today. i think the next part is gonna be the mess in front of the closet area.

then what? what do i do when EVERYTHING is clean and organized? WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?!?

and that is a good question. what will i do? what will executive dysfunction let me do?

i’m to the point that this is all about gearing up to start 2022 like a new year.

my dad suddenly died in December of 2018. 2019 was a wash of a year. 2020 was gonna be a new year, a new decade, it was gonna be a year to celebrate!

ya’ll know how that went.

so, 2022, will this be a new year? 2018 was the last new year i had. am i prepping for the new and good or just to be disappointed all over again?

there's a Star Man

i crack open the Starman Tarot and i think i’m in love.

i’m not a fan of decks that are off base of Rider-Waite-Smith but just giving this deck a rough look, oh wow.

i’m not one to feel vibes off of decks but this one gives out a vibe. it feels like this deck is a line to something way bigger than this world.

and the fact the artiest, Davide De Angelis, met Bowie when he was a child and then got to work with him when he was adult, only makes this cool.

no, it was when De Angelis said the had a dream of the whole deck, after Bowie died, yes, that’s it.

and there are 2 spreads in the book.

Days of Bowie and the month of January is gonna be a trip.

work is killing me slowly

work is killing me slowly.

Black Friday, the big one, is this Friday and i am dreading it. i don’t know if it’s the day that is getting to me or the fact that after it will be full on fucking Christmas and gods, i don’t want that.

where my work close hit my skin, it makes my body hurt.

and i know this is all mental. i hate that work is so in my head right now. i hate that my mental problems are coming out as pain in my body.

i’ve had coworkers do this job high, drunk, went home for a shower, went home for sex, while my ass is there for 9 hours, stone cold sober.

is this why i’m such a bad ass at work?

day 20

i think i did everything i was supposed to this weekend. plus, i wrote a fucking awesome journal entry.

i need to do some card throwing and watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving tonight.

i really need to get my crocheting together and get back on that horse. always, it’s less Age of Mythology in my life will only improve it.

season of the witch

this year’s theme is “Season of the Witch". i wanted to become a better witch this year.

and i think i hit on something last night but only realized it this morning.

i have an alter in my bedroom for my rituals. whatever i need to do, i put it on that on, for the ritual. other then that, it’s mostly bare.

now, in my living space, i have a bookshelf that i just filled with all sorts of prettys and the top, well the top has a lot of spots for candles holders and incenses and things.

so, last night i lit 3 candles and some incense and went about my night of drinking.

it was a full moon and i should have done a “real” ritual last night. that’s the whole part of taking days off, right? to do “real” rituals and be a “real” witch?

and it hit me this morning.

last night, it was just the candles and booze and just relaxing and enjoying and fuck, have i miss that. i miss late nights, me being the only one awake, with just the internet giving me odd entertainment, and being alive.

and that vibe carried over to this morning, where i was drinking water harder then the booze last night and feeling alive.

work has taken that vibe from me that it took almost a year to get back what i was missing. and i didn’t know that was what i was missing. i knew something was not right and now i know what it is.

and to boot, fall/winter is gender reaffirming. hoodies and flannel make me feel like myself and you can’t get that in the summer.

i just need to burn more stuff, even without a purpose or reason. i need to get my ancestors altar up and running. i need to find out why there are Lutherans in my bloodline.

#cuzwereconnected, day 19, part 2

well, i did something stupid.

and to be honest about it, this will be an edited version because he may read it.

i asked Colt out.

and looking over, i really haven’t written about it.

so, here is my version.

last year i came out as non-binary. i told that to Colt, he had words, we didn’t directly talk for a week, i unfriend him, kicked him off my Netflix, he had words for me, and he walked away from 6 years.

and on my birthday, i sent him a txt and we been txt since then. he unblocked me from Twitter and TicTok and started following me on Instagram.

so, i asked him out to see Spider-Man, him, me, Matthew, like so many Marvel movies. my happy little trio of queers. my poly life.

“I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door”

there are times it feels like it did before. there are times i want to say Assbutt and #cuzwereconnected, but i don’t because neither one of us have been adult to talk about it and now, we have a date in a month.

i cried when i saw Shang-Chi because there were 3 seats in a row, just 3, and me and Matthew sat in them and there was space for Colt and he wasn’t there.

i cried when Chadwick Boseman because i didn’t want to live a life without Colt and not knowing what was going on with him was killing me.

on my birthday i was in Springfield and i took one of the biggest chances i ever did and txt him.

i really should throw the cards about us.

i really should say all the thoughts that are in my head to him.

day 19, part 1

babies came over yesterday. Mutt Hubert wanted to stay with us and Jeff Esther wanted to go deer hunting.

so, Michael took his dress wearing, had to bring her 2 horseys daughter with him deer hunting.

and seeing him sing “Rock-A-By-Baby” was freaky as fuck.

it was boring as hell without Jeff Esther, she is the life of the party.

for today, i need to go to Jeff for Taco Thanksgiving shopping. i want to check the oil in my car, put salt in the water softer, clean, magick, cartomancy, and watch Riverdale.

but 1st, breakfast.

day 16

i have been slacking with the tarot prompts for the month. instead of making myself write out for tonight, let me throw some cards.

day 15

i have not given a fink about my personal writing project for this month. i spent more time researching instead of writing because of, fear.

and that fear carries over with me wanting to make a TikTok. i believe i have a face for radio and a voice for silent movies. but, if i can sort out where to published stuff for “Friends Only” i might be able to put out some content.

i see peeps treat Tumblr like Twitter and while i feel like i have the ideal of an audience on Twitter, i still don’t tweet that much.

i can write. sitting here and making myself write everyday has been some teeth pulling but i am trying.

day 14

i went off of Good Reads and now am on Story Graph as Amerwitch. i doubt i get Dune finished by the end of the year. that book is a drag and yes, i have seen the new movie of it.

i tried out a new deck last night. it’s the Believe In Your Own Magic and you can read it about it here. i’m gonna use it for my daily readings next month and think it will pair nicely with my Nightmare Before Christmas tarot.

and as soon as i am done with the Seasons of the Witch: Samhain Oracle i need to dive into Starman Tarot to be ready in time for Days of Bowie.

i just need to read, so much more.

day 13, part 2

i got my bookshelf organized. i will probably will get it more organized at a later date as i get more things organized.

i think i know where i can put all my deck boxes so they are out and pretty and fill a space i have that i don’t want to be useless.

i do have room for more shelves but do i want to buy them...? i know that i can fill them with books but, really? and just a look on the internet, i would have to get white ones and yeah, that would need to be painted.

but first, i need to do a card reading. December is almost here and i want to use a new deck for the month.

day 13, part 1

i got my lunches made for next week. they shall be a hardy meal.

i need to balance my checkbook and get my cash balance too.

i need to do some cleaning. i need to change my sheets on my bed and put on my heated mattresses pad. i need put my clothes away.

i need to get off the internet and do something.

day 11

i might post the pics of the sky i took this afternoon. something was going on and i don’t know what it was.

well, it was a weather thing going on. if i believed in omens, it would be something i would question but, i’m not big into omens.

i did talk to the moon and for a brief second made me question all my beliefs.

this time tomorrow i will be on my day off and then i can really relax.

day 10

once upon a time i was a witch but with only a handful of tarot and oracle desk that could all fit inside her pumpkin candy jar.

that was, 2 years ago?

so, now with 21 decks and more coming in, i need something bigger.

and better.

so, off to the store and the internet i go to look. i wanted something that was “real”, not plastic, and that closed.

all i found was the fucking cube system.

so, i did find something that could work, that i have in my own collection and it’s a good idea.

and then it hit me.

i have my Grandma Bertha’s old chest cabinet record player. i had all intents of getting it and turning it into just a chest and then Dad died but now…

this will be freaking ass cool to use for witchy stuff! i need to finish my Deep Fall Clean and then, then i can move onto this freaking project.

i know i can do it. i know i can’t fuck it up because i have the internet to help me!

but! what about how it’s old and worth money and shut the fuck up. i don’t do records and there’s a good chance it doesn’t work anymore. me turning it into something i need and want is a better way to honor her then holding onto junk that don’t work.

and Red Heart just published a pattern to make baskets that will be awesome to hold decks while inside my new chest.

i hope to have it done by spring.