where did the month go?
i don’t know if i a getting any better. Timehop reminds me that this time of year seems to be a crash of my soul.
i need Halloween to be out here, now.
i keep playing around with my idea of “fan fic” and maybe, maybe i need to start writing it down. maybe i just need to write the parts i like and start forming the whole at a later date.
i just feel too tired to sit and watch TV anymore. i want to do things, like just write a #ToDoList and that seems too much to do.
i need to stop scrolling TicTok for hours too.
unless the depression is why i’m scrolling TicTok for hours.
gah.
well i open this up and saw i was gonna write something back on the 8th, so here’s to 10 days late?
i use to be able to txt a friend but his bitch ass left me so i am down to Nicole. she keeps having chest pains and heart attacks and i don’t feel like bogging her down with all my bullshit so i am left with the voices inside my head.
so, here i am.
and, i want to write but taking the time to sit and do it, eats up too many spoons, as they say.
my problems are all mental. i know they are all in my head, rolling around like some crack addicts on meth. i try to ignore, i try to keep away but they are there, in my head.
work, work is not helping. i am doing my “work” to fix problems and, if i was team lead i wouldn’t be having half these problems.
but to be a team lead means working till 11 pm and i’m not playing that game.
tomorrow is another day.
i am still alive.
my mental health has been in the crappier the last few weeks. i want to put the blame on lack of me taking my vitamins and PMS.
but i still feel this fuzz over me. i don’t know where to pin the problems on because i don’t feel like it’s an internal problem. it feels like an external problem that has burrowed its way into my soul.
can i blame everything on work? it’s an easy out and i think it’s true.
i am working on that front. “And I fortunately know a little magic.” it’s something small but it’s a step.
i have drive to make a list of things for my day off and then just not want to do anything. again, i can blame work on sucking so hard on my soul that my one day off is not enough to recover and continue on.
and then i tell myself my NEXT day off, and it don’t happen.
i need to get the thoughts out of my head more often. i need to start tweeting them out. i don’t have my one release anymore (since he walked out on me…) so, lots of thoughts in my head stay there and that’s not good for me, now.
