i made it

i made it, almost. i bounced 2ish hours early from my 8 days in a row. just not that hardcore anymore.

overtime will kick in sometime on Friday and that will be nice on the paycheck after my birthday.

i did a kinda spell on that lastish full moon and something clicked in me. with so many parts of my life seem to be falling apart, one part picking up and being better is overall better than the constants falling/failing that i was doing.

so, there’s that.

like i said, i survived that fucking 8 days and really have not done a fucking thing today. do i feel bad? kinda. do i need to fucking rest? on my gods, yes. so, did bits to get me by.

that ToDoList i made for September kinda got thrown to the crapper, which i am disappointed by that. i don’t know if Oktober is gonna be better or not.

there could be a reformed list of things to do for the month. i need to clean the place to be able to get to that done.

cleaning…

i should do some of that tonight…

She came and i gotta bring it

and on the 1st day of Fall, she showed the fuck up.

it was like overnight, it happened.

she showed up and the temp dropped and the ground grew crunchy with death and oh my gods yes, fuck me, Milady Autumn.

i’m on day 4(?) of 8 in a row (maybe day 5, it all blurs), and right now, this moment, this night, i feel good. i feel like i can rise above this bullshit and be.

i get 1 day off, go in for 4 days in a row, and then it’s my Birthday Fun Time Weekend. i’m seeing Nicole, and plan on being buzzed, if not drunk, and having the time of my life.

there is a lot i need to get done on my one day off. i can’t sit on this, if i want to have a Birthday Fun Time Weekend.

i really do have hopes that Oktober brings something because i feel that i am bringing something to it.

she is coming

Shelby said that maybe i need some time outside to recharge.

when i went out to feed the cats, the wind picked up and there was a chill in the air.

Fall starts tomorrow. and today, this afternoon, i felt her coming. she’s not here yet but she is coming.

i cannot wait for her to get here.

sluggish

i keep changing the date of this entry and never writing anything.

i know work is stressful. it feels that it sucked everything out of me and i don’t want to do anything when i get home. the idea of sitting down, drinking a glass of wine, and watching a new show, it feels too much to me.

and today. i keep seeing all this Halloween stuff out in stores and then when i get to mine, there is none. grant it, i have been collecting Halloween stuff for the past 29 years, and i am happy with all i have. i take it that i am very picky of what i buy now but it feels like there is nothing to look over. like, i can’t just look over a full display and think how someone will enjoy this and not have any pull to buy it. there is just nothing out there for me to look at.

and with fall starting so soon, i feel the nip in the air, and the other day i was crunchy leaves under my shoes and i felt nothing. nothing!

i primed Nicole’s panting a year ago and still, it’s not done and it needs to be done in 10 days.

i got three decks of cards that i need to work on.

books to be read.

stuff to make.

things to do.

words to write.

and nothing gets done.

i keep think that i got ADHD or something and i know i don’t. i just don’t do anything but be lazy.

this sluggish month is an ass and i need it to be over and better.

domino effect

Hi. I’ve been journaling for the past 20 years. I went back to 2001 and to see what I wrote.

This. This is what sticks in my head every year on this day:

The lead story on the Today show was Michael Jordan coming back to play basketball for the Washington Wizards.

I want to say it was Kaite Couric who said that line. I caught that before going out the door, a little after 7 AM, CST, that Tuesday morning. I had a half-hour drive till I got to school.

I was 20. I was going to turn 21 in a few weeks. I still thought I was a straight girl, and I had never been kissed.

And you want to hear the sick, twisted thing about that day? Want to listen to my domino effect?

That got me my first real guy friend, and that led to me being this badass, asexual non-binary you see here today. my depression went up a notch 20 years ago, and me writing and posting on Open Diary, yeah. I got Christopher, then Brian, then Jim, and that got me to Matthew and Colt.

You can fight me on my thought process, but I was there, inside my head. If the people of Tic Tok can trace Twilight to 9/11, I can trace my own becoming then.

I end this with a song fitting about being in this county for the past 20 years. 

 

 

Autumn of the Witch

Season of the Witch turned into Summer of the Witch and now it’s Autumn of the Witch because Fall of the Witch don’t sound good.

i have a new #ToDoList of shit to get done by Halloween.

part of it is new stuff, some of it is still a carry over from the summer list.

part of it is a vain attempt to work out and get better. i’m not happy with the shape of my body and i started off the year good. hoping that with the fall and cooler weather, i can get back into a better shape.

and i want to write. there’s this story really loud in my head and i need to put on paper.

i know my card of the month is about being sluggish but i need to up my game. fall is coming and i need to be ready for it.

working out, cleaning, crocheting, writing, blogging, theses are the things i want to do and get done and become better at.

let’s do this!