2020

The goals of 2020 are to focus on mind/body/soul 

Ok. 

i think i need to rethink my goals for the year. 

ok, where are we in this world? 

We all set goals for ourselves, needs and wants that we are trying to meet.

i got to write my update sometime… 

i know i need to write my Mind/Body/Soul post for this month BUT tomorrow is a full moon and i am in need of some magick, card readings, and i swear, i will meditate! 

i was told i should blog, and i am. 

i’ve done a lot of thinking about things. 

well, i’m 40 now. 

hello NoJoMo/NaNoMo! 

i wrote 3 times in Oktober.

Introspection Tarot, Last Days

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @healer.josephine.

I’m gonna do a two for one and end these prompts.

What’s the energy or pattern I must leave behind before the next year? What kind of energy must I embody next year?

Overall, I need to give up on whatever I had planned for 2020. I had grand plans, and I might have gotten to them if it wasn’t for 2020 being so, 2020.

What I need to bring with me into the new year, well, it’s a new year. I need to bring a new look on everything to get to December 31st, 2021.

Introspection Tarot, Day 13

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let’s do it!

How can I best use November and December to prepare for 2021?

Well, I missed November but let’s see how I can use the last 2 weeks of December.

Angelica, gods this deck don’t fuck around!

By the book, Angelica means being protected though a major transition.

What are you gonna being me, these last 2 weeks, 2020?!? Bring that shit on! I will take it!

Introspection Tarot, Day 12

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let’s do it!

What must be cleared out in my life before 2021?

Shooting Star… oh boy.

By the book, this card means person of a higher sensitive, psychic and spiritual. So, do I need to be cleared out of my own life?

The theme for this year was Mind/Body/Soul. I had wild plans to get all parts of my life together and that did not happen. As this year comes to an end, I am plotting out what next year’s theme is gonna be and how to do it.

With this card coming up, I think what I need to clear out is any thoughts on how I thought my witchcraft would turn out. I might have to clear out my goals for next year.

This too deep for me to think about this late at night.

Introspection Tarot, Day 11

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let’s do it!

How has 2020 made me more spiritually aware?

Easter Lily, oh how on the nose this is.

2020 took away all my trips and movies. I had to stay home and made do with all that.

And, I have gotten more into the grove of being a witch. At the same time, I did not realize how much I needed my movies and hotel nights to recharge my soul.

Introspection Tarot, Day 10

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

How has 2020 made me wiser or more compassionate?

Rose and Lily tells me I have gotten both, wiser and compassionate.

I have gotten more compassionate by White Clover, fucking luck. Ok...

I have gotten wiser by Blackberry, seeing that he is an whole ass you can't take me as I am.

Fucking hell...

blar

i wrote 3 times in Oktober. that was “bad”. i thought in November, with National Journaling Month, i’ll crack out the posts.

i also thought i could manage 3,000 words on a new story.

none of that happen.

i try. i see how having set hours would bless me with a schedule, life happens and now i’m back to this hot mess.

i don’t know what to do. i know, just make a list and write it down and just do it! i’m good making at list. i just can’t get up and do it.

fuck

when am i gonna be on top?

i get high hopes for things and then something comes up and it all goes to shit.

work, work comes up with 6 days in a row or just fucking shit and it takes all my soul to get going on something.

i wanted 30 journal post and 3000 words by the end of the month and that don’ts look like it’s gonna happen.

i keep thinking that this will fix me or that and i just spend money on things.

fuck, my latest ideal is that i have some form of ADHD. easier to put blame on shit then not take the blame on myself.

i need to go to bed.

Introspection Tarot, Day 9

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

What's a deeper truth I finally "got" this year?

Daffodil, there is one thing I am suppose to "get" and I don't know if I have, yet. With a new oracle deck that came in the mail today, maybe this answer is in THAT deck.

Introspection Tarot, Day 8

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

What inner shadows came to the surface for me?

Blackberry is more or less the Lovers card from the tarot deck.

Shadows that came up was the lover I had, he couldn't love me as I am. A lot of shit came up and that lead to him walking away from 6 years.

It was a hell of a shadow to find.

Introspection Tarot, Day 7

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

What did I discover about myself this year?

Fireweed, I can start anew. I had a major breakup in June and I have learned that I can face the fire, watch it all burn, and start anew.

Introspection Tarot, Day 6

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

How has 2020 forced me to grow?

Black Cohosh, 2020 has forced me to make some fucking real decisions about things. It's not been fun.

change is never ending thing that sometimes eats your soul

change is never ending thing that sometimes eats your soul.

work, work is a huge flux of change right now. i know i will survive, i’ve been there 10 years, nothing is gonna stop me now.

the 4 to 1 shift might be the end of me but gods, it might make me unstoppable.

i worry about the cats and how they will deal with it. i know they will be ok in the long run but when it starts, oph.

i order two books, that might be what i need to deal with this winter. i order Witchcraft for Healing: Radical Self-Care for Your Mind, Body, and Spirit by Patti Wigington and The Witch's Book of Self-Care: Magical Ways to Pamper, Soothe, and Care for Your Body and Spirit by Arin Murphy-Hiscock.

i have hopes that winter will bring me some fucking healing.

Introspection Tarot, Day 5

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

How can I overcome any remaining challenges this year?

Fireweed is about how we can burn everything down to start anew.

No matter what 2020 throws at me, I will burn it down and bring on 2021 with all the fire I need to take on the world.

Introspection Tarot, Day 4

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

What emotional challenges have I faced this year?

Sacred Datura: I am in month 5 of a ugly break-up. I have dealt with emotions that I thought I would never have to deal with.

It has sucked and I am trying so hard, at this point, to deal with it.

weekend update

well, it was a weekend.

Matthew came up and on the last night he was here, he drank a bottle of MY wine and left the TV and X-Box on all night.

great.

i’m almost done with crocheting a bag for my Nightmare Before Christmas tarot deck. i have an idea for an altar cloth for my ancestors altar.

hell, i have an idea for an ancestors altar. that might have to wait till next year, or so.

tomorrow starts 6 days in a row, oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Introspection Challenge, Day 3

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

What professional challenges have I faced this year?

I don’t know, just the fucking pandemic!

I am one of those “essential worker”, working at “Cloud 9” and it’s been a fun time since March. Just so much fun!

Cosmos, and we are gonna talk about me as a tarot card reader.

This has been a year, as I started my own website and trying to get into the grove of Instagram. I am still trying to sort out who I am as a cartomancer.

Introspection Challenge, Day 2

Digging deep with the 2020 Introspection Tarot by @purefield.healing, let's do it!

What spiritual challenges have I faced this year?

Goldenrod, yeah, this deck don't play.

This has been a year of me really deciding what I want from my spiritual practice. I started celebrating the full moon and the seasonal changes. I got the book Badass Ancestors by Patti Wigington and I think that's where 2021 is gonna take me. I can't seem to find a deity, so I'll go down the family tree and see who wants to bless me.

Introspection Challenge, Day 1

I wasn’t going to do any prompts for November but I found @purefield.healing and yeah, I think I need this for November.

What is the overall theme of 2020 for me? Sunflower, yes, I wanted to take change f things. I am still trying to do that but, it’s just been a kicker trying to keep it up.

day 2

Halloween was awesome.

my plans did not work out the way i wanted them but i don’t care.

i suck at fires.

i did dance naked under the light of the full moon.

i did talk to Nicole about stuff.

i need to work on my writing project tonight. i had dreams of them this morning.

day 1

hello NoJoMo/NaNoMo!

am I doing both? kinda. i want to put 100 words down for a new story. that’s not happening tonight but maybe tomorrow will bring me some luck.

i did update my tarot part of my BOS. i need to get my hard copy up and running.

i did clean a part of the basement. need to work on the other half.

i need to write about last night. it was great.

sad entry for today. spent my energy on updating my tarot site, amerwitchmagicks.com.

night.

vlarg

ok, so much shit going on at work right now. so many fucking rumors and gods, i don’t even.

what i do know is that this is Halloween/full moon weekend is gonna be filled with much need of magick to be done.

i did make a list of what i need to be gotten for this weekend. what i’m doing for Halloween is a mishmash of magick that is full of purpose and bullshit fluffy stuff.

i need to shower and go to bed.

Dean, Castiel, and David Rose walk into a bar

i am still alive.

everything is still the same. it’s Oktober, i’m still 40, life is still moving, somewhat.

it hit me the week before my birthday. while the rest of the world has been in quarantine and enjoying their stay home, i’m an “essential worker” and still getting up, putting on pants, being sober, and going to work.

but i hadn’t had any trips this year: no Marvel movie in Springfield, no weekend in CoMo, and with this year being 40, no trip to STL to see Nicole, and pierced, tattoo, and all that jazz.

so, i’m still working, the rest of the world is on “vacation” and i have not had any vacations for my own personal mental health.

yeah, that’s it.

so, i am doing Halloween. there will be fire, and booze, and candy, and a pomegranate, and calling out to the dead and i don’t know what all but fuck if it’s not a full moon and i am DOING SOMETHING!!!

i have an idea for a story. i know, i should work on “The 4 Sisters” but this one, i feel for it better.

i rewatched all of Supernatural and did a palate cleanse of rewatching all of Schitt's Creek, all while watching TicToks on how Dean’s bi and this gave me the idea of: Dean, Castiel, and David Rose are all friends and walk into a bar.

i don’t write fanfic (anymore) so i’m like, no, can’t do that. so first, they need new names, and then what about a fantasy world setting, post-apocalyptic world, and now i’m watching Stranger Things so do i set it in the magical world of 1980’s?

i don’t have a plot. i have this happy trio, filled with trauma and so much queerness, and yes, i am in there, and am i doing NaNoMo? no. am writing? i hope to fuck i can, next month.

40

well, i’m 40 now.

the cards, the cards have been most fun at poking at me. there is change coming and i don’t know which way that’s playing. i think it’s for the good. will have to wait and see.

i have gone hard on the ancestor thing. i’m paying for Ancestry.com and have been digging and i have been finding so much stuff.

i need to go back to my book and see what’s the next step. i’m scared to start taking theses German Catholics and seeing how they act to my pagan ass.

my real fear is that i’m too much of a failure for them to want to deal with me.

it’s day 6 of the month and i’ve yet to put effort into my list of to do and there is that feeling of failure.

it’s not helping that Matthew is here. he threw a wrench into my plans and gods if he would just chill when he’s here.

Autumn Equinox

Today is the Autumn Equinox. It’s a time when most are harvesting.

With modern paganism, it’s to look on what you planted (planned) in the springtime and see if it came to fruit while preparing for winter months.

Me, I live for fall. The fact that it cooled off where I lived, now, makes it feel like it’s real. I want to drink 7&7s and wear hoodies and just give in to Lady Autumn herself.

And while it is a time of harvest and thanksgiving, preparing for long cold winter months, I keep thinking how this is a time of planting. There are fall crops and the spring flowers that need to go into the ground now.

Fall is an end but I keep seeing it as a start. It’s the first day of a new season, like a mini new year, if you will. What can I get done before the end of this season?

Today’s cards tell me that today is a good day to start plans for what I want from Oktober, Halloween, and the long winter.

And be ready to shine come the springtime.

do you remember?

it’s fall. i don’t mean that “hey look, the Autumn Equinox!” but like full-on. the air is off and we have the windows open. i got off work at 10 Saturday and i thought i needed a hoodie when i go home!

speaking of hoodies, i got one from Woman Within. it comes down to my toes. it’s not as big around as i like nor is as black as i like but it is what i will be living in, once cold weather really kicks in.

today, i did art. i’m happy with the way i got the canvas prepped and now i got to paint it. fun times.

have i been working on my other goals for this month? no. i need to read more and crochet more.

and really, i want to write more. i want to hit 100 words a day during the month of Halloween. i need to finished that one story, that freaking poem, and then start on my new story.

i still have the wild plans of seeing Nicole for my birthday. it won’t be the fun party i thought it was gonna be but it will be something.

i need to write more. i need to post on my website in a timely matter.

i am feeling better. i need to be doing better.

who do angels pray to?

i am going hard on watching Supernatural, in a vain attempt to get it all re-watched before the rest of the final season starts.

in my re-watch, i was blessed with this quote that made me stop in my tracks:

“I mean, I spent so much time worrying about the son of a bitch. I mean, I've had more fun with you in the past twenty-four hours than I've had with Sam in years, and you're not that much fun. It's funny, you know, I've been so chained to my family, but now that I'm alone, hell, I'm happy.”

it made me pause and think about the last few months. and, it does feel i have been free of something, i still am chained to something.

somethings are just connected to you in ways you cannot cut.

there are lots of things going around in my head that i need to put on paper. or, print out all the things.

i went to a lit party, a few weeks ago.

as stated on Facebook:

Let me tell you about this party I went to last Friday! There was wine and guns and someone went topless and someone lost their pants! 10 out of 10, best 3 yr old birthday party, ever!

i have the best niece and nephew.

and i need to work so much more on myself.

mind/body/soul, part IX

Mind

Reading: i’ve made a plan of reading 3 pages of 2 books a day. inches baby, inches.

Writing: i’ve been working on a “Adventures of the DarkShark and his Witch” and i need to finish that poem and work on that new story.

Blogging: doing good there. i think i got some prompts i want to do for October but maybe save them for November…

Body

ok, let’s get real. 

this year has not gone to what i wanted and this part has fallen along the wayside.

Soul

Witchcraft: i am making inches in reading, which (ha ha ha), is about witchcraft!

Tarot: this will be its own entry.

Crafting: i have plans on my afghan. i need to redo my list of what i want to do.

ok, so, overall, what the hell is going on?

i am making marks. it is fucking small but i am going forwards.

and with all that is going on, it’s a big deal. i am in the bell jar but i am going forward, all while in this unending funk.

main goal for the month, i want out of the funk. if i can get there, boom.

bell jar

i’ve done a lot of thinking about things.

on January 1st, 2020, i don my pearls and hit the town. i went to the mall, i went to the movies, i ate in a restaurant.

i lived.

and that was the fucking last time i did any of that!

Marvel weekend, canceled. boyfriend’s birthday weekend, canceled. and i’m feeling that my birthday weekend is gonna be canceled too.

i got $2,100 sitting in the bank that should have been spent!

and everyday i walk by two pallets of freight that is the Halloween stuff and it’s not out for me to drool over.

and, i am getting SAD. it’s September, fall should be here, summer needs to die, i am tired of being fucking hot all the time! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

AND add the fact i’m not over this break-up with Colt.

see last entry about all that.

plus, i want another tarot deck. i have the two, and i love them, but damn if i don’t want some more flavor with my readings.

and i can’t find anything that strikes my fancy.

add this all up, and depression is just the ticket! i’m living in a bell jar!

i need to buy horns.

Manifest

Hey all.

I, I have not been my best, of late. I thought it was PMS and my period started this week and there is still this sense of blarness that hangs around me.

Am I living in a bell jar…

Anyhoots, I was going to post the Card of the Day last night when news of Chadwick Boseman’s death and things just took a turn for me.

My dad died in late 2018. I took 2019 off and made plans for 2020 to be my year. On January 1st, 2020, I put on my pearls (cuz it’s the ‘20’s now!) and went out for dinner and a movie and that was the last time I went out and had fun!

I’m also dealing with a break-up. I thought I was doing good with that, but I am not.

Marvel and the Marvel Cinematic Universe was the love language I shared with my partner. Hearing about Chadwick Boseman’s death, while I was writing out my feelings, brought a lot of stuff up in me.

I have written out my ToDoList for the month of September. I am trying very hard to work my way out of this funk and get to a better place.

I have been looking at this spread in my Tarot Planner (from owlandbonest) and getting out my Flower Speak deck out, let’s see what I can manifest.

What do I want to manifest? I want Dandelion, I want strength. I want the power to do what I want to do and not just feel like I can’t do anything.

How can I make it happen? Cosmos, I need to find that out on my own. Not helpful…

What supports the manifestation process is Violet, Vervain, and Star of Bethlehem. Let’s take this one card at a time.

Violet, getting over this break-up will help me find my strength.

Vervain, parts of me are fighting, Morning Glory and Rose, my healing and moving on…

Last is Star of Bethlehem, end of pain.

How will I feel after getting my strength? I will feel Hawkweed, I will be able to move.

If I can get over this fucking break-up, I will have my power back. I find it odd that’s what the cards say. Early in the break-up, I felt this rush of creativity, of doing stuff I wanted to do, for myself, and not for him.

Let me work on myself, and hopefully, I will get my powers back.

STILL ON THIS BLAR KICK, OH GODS SOMEONE COME HELP ME!!!

if my period don’t start fucking soon…

i know i need to write about the twin’s b-day party but that’s for another day.

talked to Nicole last night. i think, my birthday is gonna be canceled.

the last time i went out, like for dinner and movie, was the fucking 1st of January. i wore my pearls because it was the start of the 20’s!

and this is what it has turned into.

i mention it on Facebook, i took 2019 off to deal with Dad being dead and 2020 was gonna be my year!

i’m gonna take some pills and go meditate.

the cards never lie

i should never doubt my cards.

last week’s card of the week was the reversed Empress. ok. to me that means PMS.

i blew it off.

i was so mopey last week and when Monday hit and my period trying to start, A WEEK EARLY, i put 2 and 2 together.

got to trust my cards more.

no, i got to ask the cards more about me then what is going on about me. i asked about outside forces where i need to worry about inside forces.

i know i need/want a new tarot deck. the one i was looking won’t be coming out for a, few years, and i know i’m getting a new oracle deck Octobersih. i keep looking at tarot decks and yet to see any that call to me.

*sigh*

i did meditate Monday night. 

living in blarness

             did i get all i wanted to do done this weekend?  no.

 was it because of Matthew?  maybe.

 i, i don’t know.  i titled the last blog past as “i have no clue if i will ever get out of this blarness” and gods, do i need to start on St. John’s Wort? 

 i have been trying to add to this blog post for hours now and have nothing to write.

 and i have been looking at this post and now i’m seeing that i already written this paragraph.

 *sigh*

i have no clue if i will ever get out of this blarness

 

i got my crafting shelves all organized.  i’m actually excited about it.  i need to buy some boxes to redo it a bit but, ta-da!

 and if i can get the crafting table done…

 and really hit the witch’s area needs some help.  and then i want to clean out the tabletops of in my bedroom.  and the living room “altar” needs some help.

 Matthew has been up here for 3 days and it’s a bit much on my end.  to top it all off, his car is dead.  we think it’s the battery but i have no clue.  he seems not to care and i’m trying not to spend to many thoughts on it, but still.

 i’ve quite pulling cards for the weakened because they seem so up and down.  Colt has been on my mind, too much, and i’m trying to move forward.

 but how do you box up 6 years of love and then set it aside?

 tomorrow (well, kinda right nowish) is the new moon.  i want to try to get into meditating.  i hope to find something there.

blar with a plan

 

well, it was a weekend.

 next weekend Matthew will be here and i don’t know how much stuff i will get done. 

 blerk.

 it hit me, that’s it’s August.  ok, so now what?  yes, the Halloween stuff is trickling out and the fall stuff is out but my dumbass did not add 2 and 2 to get OKTOBER IS COMING, NOW IS THE TIME TO GET SHIT DONE TO WITCH OUT FOR 31 DAYS!!! till this weekend.

 and all the things like setting goals/deadlines/breaking things down to smaller tasks, cannot get me off my ass to do the things.

 i want some type of daily practice.  i want to meditate.

 what i did not understand was having trackers in your bullet journal.  with all the cool apps and websites, why would you need a paper and pencil copy of it.

 i have been trying to rematch all of Supernatural before THE END and it hit me to have such a tracker would make me feel good.  and to keep track of all the eps.

 and one for the afghan i’m trying to crochet.  i want to get 1 round done a day, just to move it along at some pace.

 and then i could have one for my blog posts…

 i know i get too caught up in the idea of being organized with notebooks and things.

 i also know every 1^st of the month, every Monday is a new start, a new year, to get something started and new.

 i got candles burning now.  that is something.

 ok, here’s the deal.

 i will do the round of crocheting.  after that, i can do the reading (my goals for reading have gotten to the point if i pick up a book, that’s a gold star for me) and then when i am done with that, i can do the crocheting.

 will, no, this is the plan.  if i alternate between crocheting and reading, then i will get something done. 

 ok, need to make some trackers in my bullet journal, mend my work purse, and maybe meditate tonight?  i know meditating every day ain’t gonna happen but it i can get started with it.

 fuck, here’s goes nothing.

blar on a Monday

i think i am done with redoing my Book of Shadows, at lest on Word.  next step, getting it on hardcopy.

 tonight is a full moon.  gonna throw the cards and see what falls. 

 Colt has been on my mind, like always. 

 fuck, i got an idea for a poem.  needs to find some more rhyming words for this.

 i had lost my crochet hook but i found it and gods, i need to get past this round on the motif.

do you see penguins everywhere like i see sharks?

i was told i should blog, and i am.

you were brought up today. people asked if i had heard anything from you. i said no, i had not.

it will be two months next Saturday. two whole months without a word from you, going from a time where we were in constant contact with each other.

do you even feel me, anymore?

do you see penguins everywhere like i see sharks?

i spent most of PRIDE thinking about being non-binary. actually, i spent it questioning if i was non-binary. i started thinking about who i have been, the last 40 odd years.

from the outside, from anyone who doesn’t know me, i am a woman. nothing has changed about me how i perceive myself.

and you can’t deal. you can’t deal with me not being a man or a woman, but being something in between. nothing else has changed about me.

i still use she/her and other womanly names. i was still your girlfriend, you threw that away. you blocked me and walked away.

i’m still here. i’m willing to talk.

August preview

i am trying to make my ToDoList for August. i know with the end of

hopefully, meditating.

unless the new Muppet show takes that but that’s on Disney+ so i will have some wiggle room with that show.

being a nerd is hard.

i know that i need to redo my BOS on Word first and then the hard copy.

i want to take Amerwitch Magicks to another lvl and i hope August will give me time to sort it out and work on that.

mind/body/soul, part VI, VII, VIII

well, let’s get real about this year.

i started, the world started, on January 1st, 2020, with hopes and goals and plans.

here we are, 208 days later and i have trashed so many of those.

let’s see what i can do.

Mind

Reading: i am. not as much as i wanted but i am trying to read.

Writing: i got an idea for a new story but it is still just percolating in my head.

Blogging: still doing it.

Body

i just want to try to get the Ab Lounger over here by the end of the year.

Soul

Witchcraft: i’ve only skipped one full moon ritual this year. and i have been reworking my Book of Shadows. the only thing i really want to move upward is getting into medication. i just cannot get into it.

Tarot: that is still going. i got my website up, working on a Patreon and still have other ideas coming along.

Crafting: i am crocheting my own afghan and working on a painting!

overall, i think i am moving forward. am i where i really want to be? no. i am moving inches, and that is all that is important.

4 days

4 fucking days. i have 4 fucking days off in a row and gods bless me if i want to get shit done.

Friday, i am getting 7 inches cut off my hair. i know i don’t want to do this but fuck all. let’s see how this plays out.

and Matthew is coming up for this weekend. let’s see what funs this include.

Saturday Kelly is rolling into town and i have a 2nd cousin’s wedding. we’re only going to the reception, as slackers and black sheep we are.

then Sunday there is nothing listed on the program. Monday, Matthew goes home.

i don’t know if i’ll get “anything” done this weekend. i need to get the trash out.

i have been crocheting! i went to the boxes of yarn, found a collection of purples/variegated purples and throw them together into an afghan. it’s a funky pattern of a circle that turns into a square. i’m going into a set a way of the colors, playing with it, so each square is different. if i ran out of a yarn before the afghan is done? throw in some other yarn!

i’m going for that patchwork that you see in quilts. i’m hoping to get that idea.

and i still have not put words down on my new story. it’s floating around in my head. i think i need to watch It Chapter Two for a reference point.

blar

i had a dream. i was in my basement and this man who was a mix of Tristen/Jacob/and that asshole Tyler A kept telling me about his workout. and Matthew was there and i went and cried on him because i missed Colt so much.

and i really haven’t written about what happened to Colt.

we broke up. i’m saying he actually broke up with me.

i’m non-binary, and this PRIDE i really came out to say that (and that’s a post for another day). and when i mention that to him, that started that.

a week after that, he hadn’t contacted me. i got him off my Netflix and unfriended him. we had words. he said “All Lives Matter” and that was that.

he blocked me, everywhere. that all was June 8ish.

he also went and blocked Matthew and cut ties with Shelby to boot.

so, that all was over 30 days ago. we’ve gone from just being there all the time to him just shutting me out, hardcore.

and part of what’s fucking with me (oh, there’s a lot, let’s dwell on some odd bits of it) is that i’m not polyamorous anymore. i keep listen to break up songs but i still have a boyfriend so it’s an odd place to be.

and par for the course, i had my existential crisis during PRIDE with the whole “YOU ARE JUST A STRAIGHT WOMAN! YOU DO NOT BELONG!”

and with me coming out to Colt, it really made me question a lot of things (that i need to write about).

me, coming out as non-binary, doesn’t change about a damn thing about me! i still use my given name, i still use she/her pronouns, i still use the woman’s restroom. i still dressed the same!

i just have one word that changed on my bio. i went from “German Roman Catholic school girl gone wrong/born again pagan” to “German Roman Catholic non-binary school girl gone wrong/born again pagan” and that’s fucking it! from the fucking outside, it’s just a fucking haircut! i’m still me!

and that fucker, who is a gay man, can not/will not accept the fact there is more than 2 genders and that his girlfriend, is non-binary.

updateish

the blog posted i wanted to write was vetoed down by my cards. i trust them.

i have a few hours left before i go in for another fucking 6 in a row.

but i don’t want to talk about that. 
it’s only day 8 of the month and i got, 75% of my ToDoList done. i think i need to add more to it.

i got out my yarn and i’m trying to crochet a block. so far, the color layout is awesome. i have ideas on how this will play out, can’t wait to see how pretty this will be.

i wanted to write more, but i am tapped out.

maybe next time.

blar

i tried magick last night and i don’t think it worked. work as my stressed out that i don’t think it worked. the cards were confusing. i tried to meditate and that did not go very well.

i think someone is trying to get my attention but i don’t know who. the cards were mixed.

gonna try Monday night to do some guided mediation and sees where that takes me.

i got a list i want to do Monday, and an order on what needs to be done. i just get the one day off and i want to try to get some shit done.

and then Tuesday i can make a new plan!

main character

i know i need to write my Mind/Body/Soul post for this month BUT tomorrow is a full moon and i am in need of some magick, card readings, and i swear, i will meditate! gods hold me to my word if i don’t!

do i miss writing? i think i got lost in June. fuck, i think i lost myself long ago. something was said that we are the main character of our own stories.

and that’s where i’ve been lost. i have spent the last few years (…) being the side character of a story.

well, not anymore.

i’ve dusted myself off and i’m doing it. there’s an idea for a painting (yes bitch, on stretched canvas and everything!) for the past 4 years and i’m putting that down. a random Facebook post inspired me to start off on a whole new story (and the 4 main characters, each one is a different race and sexuality!). and i was going to wait for the fall but fuck it, i’m going to crochet my own fucking afghan!

i got out my bullet journal and redid for this month. i’m going back to a long listed of ToDoList. i can’t seem to remember what i need to do, so we are back to writing that shit down.

and there is no standard i am holding myself to. i’m not trying to get it all done and be perfect. i’m working on it, bit by bit.

i am moving inches!

rainbow it up bitches!

i wanted to write more about Pride and the colors i fly under the rainbow flag.

actually, i usually have an existential crisis every June because this voice tells me that i am cis straight woman and have no rights to be under the rainbow.

discovering that i am an ace/demisexual put me under the rainbow. that label works so well for my mindset and i stand hard on it.

but, am i cis?

and this past year, i am going hard on the no.

i am not 100% comfortable using the term non-binary but it’s what i’m going with for now. and i am saying that i am that bitch who saw the non-binary flag and thought it was the prettiest one and using that term just based on the flag colors.

fight me.

at the end of the day, am i a 100% straight? no. am i a 100% cis? no.

and that’s enough for me to fly under the rainbow flag.

hi

i often tell others to get something out of your head, you need to write it down.

i had plan for a more elaborate post, since it’s Pride, but this year’s Pride is a bit different so, this is this for now.

i know it was on the Tumblr that i found the term asexual (and then demisexual) and that made all sense to me. and i read what i could find and the more and more i read the more it felt right.

i am not straight, i am an asexual/demisexual. there’s a lot of other labels under the umbrella of asexual and i really don’t go hard for all that (cool if you do).

and i remember how i didn’t feel like i “belong” with the whole LGQTBIA+ home and the rainbow flag. and i remember a lesbian i followed on Twitter making a very passion thread about if you are not straight, then you are queer, and you belong under the rainbow flag. it, it made me feel that if one of the “real” gays made such a statement then (it was 2016/2017, the world was different back then) then i could fly under the rainbow flag.

so, it’s now 2020 and i’m an out and proud asexual. where do we go from here?

i’m non-binary!

the more i have thought about it, the more i knew that i wasn’t 100% cis anymore. there’s a lot of words out there but, for now, i’m going with non-binary.

to The DarkShark

Dear Colt,

 In the past eight years, I have learned a lot about myself due to you.

 I learned that the 4 yr old who only wanted a boyfriend, could have the love and be loved by two men and be polyamorous.

 I learned that I am not a broken thing; I'm asexual/demisexual. 

 And I and more and more sure I am not cis.  Non-binary is the closest word I've found that works for me, and that's what I'm using for now.

 I would not be this person if it weren't for you and the love we had for each other.

 I will not be in a relationship with someone who cannot respect me and all the labels I live under.

 When you have learned to take for who I am, so as not to give you a headache for existing, I'll be here.

 Your woman,

Your witch

Amer

 

PS:  That love spell, ever wonder that it may not be working because you can't accept the man of your dreams may not be a man?  That if you open your mind and heart, they'll appear?

Listen up witches

Listen up witches.

 I know there’s a lot of talk about y’all throwing some magick around tomorrow and I got a question for you.

 Are you backing that shit up?

 Are you donating money to the cause?  Lifting up black voices?  Spamming Twitter hashtags with K-pop fam cams?

 Or are you just lighting a candle to make yourself feel better?

 Just asking.  

like Celie says

i got to write my update sometime…

the world is still on fire, and possibly the start of a new Civil War might be going on, i don’t know, just google the news about this past weekend, future readers.  i can’t write about it without just losing my mind.

AND I AM STILL LIVING DURING THE PLAGUE!!!

and, still in the thick of an apocalypse.  go me.

there is just so much “bullshit” and its PRIDE and i got many feels in me but with no words to put it into.

i’m just posting to say i’m still alive.

here we go!

so i joined Tic Tok and it has taken over my life.

Matthew was here last weekend, that explains the blar last weekend. this weekend, i don’t know. i need to go to bed earlier and sleep more and i’m not.

the cards have been telling me something, something is trying to get my attention. i don’t know who it is and, kinda scared to go there…

i’ve open Word, with all the powers to write and things just don’t happen. and to think, i am somehow ahead of my goal for the year for blog posts.

hell, i even started writing this yesterday and just now get to writing the rest of it and posting it (hopefully sometime today).

ok, so today, i want to get things done today. at lest if i am going to sit on my ass, i can work on my Book of Shadows and get that to the next lvl.

here we go!