Bless me Mother-

“Bless me Mother-”

“Where the fuck have you been? I thought you been killed or even worse!”

“Are you quoting Jeff Foxworthy to me?”

“If you want my blessing, you better start talking.”

“Bless me Mother for I am not doing good.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I have a job that I like and treat me fair. Last Sunday was a shit show but it was still better then that other fucking place. I have a new car now. It’s from this millennium so it’s all new and shiny to me. And I have a partner that sees me as a whole person.”

“You got your dreams Baby Opossum. You need to reach for the next level.”

“This is almost like when I moved into the basement. I thought with space I would be free from my depression. No, moved that with me.

“So now that I have the better things, car, job, partner, why do I feel so down?”

“You’re not use to being happy. You were starting to feel that last year but you had that sword over year head. That sword is gone. All the things that were holding you back are gone now. You are free.”

“Am I just not moving forward out of fear?”

“Could be.”

“Plus, if that other thing happens…”

“You’ll be living your life like a bitch about to get accused of witchcraft in Salem?"

“I won?”

“Baby, you are winning. Get out there and cut a motherfucker down.”

“Thank you Mother.”

update?

this is not how i thought this month would go.

i still feel that something is holding me back. like, i have depression and it’s not letting me live the life i want.

and on paper, things are good. friends, job, family, things look good.

so why can’t i put down my phone and actually do some fucking work?

i throw cards and it’s the same answer all the time, get up and fucking study.

i cut down on goals for the year because i am trying to get a better focus on who i want to be this year.

i see what the problem is and the laziness comes and gets me and i don’t do anything.

fuck, i don’t even play SIMS right now. that feels like too much work, trying to start up new houses and families.

i use to get my money goals in. not right now i am.

did it start when i crapped out on my posting my cards of the day? i have been trying very hard to get back into that.

let me post this, do a work out (I AM SEEING IZZY IN 15 DAYS I NEED TO LOOK GOOD!!!), and see what the night beings me.

LIVE

i need to write and this is a half ass way of doing it.

i need to write, with pen and paper, something that might not make it to the world’s view and just kept to myself.

i know i need to write a plan. i tried this week and i got somewhere but not as far as i wanted.

i need to buckle down. do more, play less, get shit done. i don’t have doom hanging over my head, i have light and life and spring is almost here.

which means fall is starting soon (on the other side of the world) and i’m taking that energy and move forward with it.

i need to go. no more with plotting one thing that will cure me and then it happens and i don’t change.

change, i need to change and live.

2025

hello.

i tried to get the groundhog out to jump start spring and it didn’t work.

here we go…

Mom made my shirt.

let’s focus on the good things.

again, it hit me the other day.

i am done with my goals for the month, 64% done for the year, giving me a B-.

there is nothing to report.

hello September!

i don’t know where to start.

hello November.

well, it’s December.

day 27

dsfghs

weekly update

i am 95% done for September, 69% done for the year, giving me a B-.

what happen to August? we don’t talk about him.

and my seasonal depression is flaring up early this year.

i have a date Sunday. it’s a 1st date and it’s the first 1st date i’ve been in 25 years.

i’m now getting stressed and nervous about it. i had an outfit picked out and now, i don’t know.

i need to throw cards.

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

2024

 

This place is always such a mess

Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn

I'm so alone

Feel just like somebody else

Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same

i’m 106% done for the month, 19% for the year, giving me a D-. 

i’m 98% done for the month, 27% for the year, giving me a D- right now.

i am 92% done for the month, 34% for the year, giving me a D- grade.

i am 91% done for the month, 42% done for the year, giving me a D+ grade.

Happy Pride!

i’m here.

let’s look back on what i was doing 10 years ago. 

hello you fucking glory bitch of September!

i’m not well.

Bless me Mother for I have sinned.

Friday morning came to me with some time for moving meditation at work. 

i want

i want to write more. i have my two projects i am working on now, “The Work” and my Supernatural/Schitt's Creek fic. i know i want to make the fic smutty. never done that before but, here’s to new things.

i want to write more about my witchcraft. i’ve been doing this for 20 years, i should be writing about it.

also, tarot. i have ideas, i want to put words on paper.

and my blog. i feel that i keep too much inside and that is not healthy for me.

i really want to get cleaned and organized with my lair. i got a part cleaned up after an depressing October and, i feel so much better for it.

i want to work out more. i want to get back to the moving meditation of dancing in my underwear. i miss that.

and, just plain meditation. i want to get into that groove.

going back to working out, i want to get stronger. i got some videos stashed away and i know it will be a slow walk up a hill, but to get to the top!

and another tattoo. i have it planed out and there is an idea for a third.

so, why all this? why post all these ideas?

Wednesday morning the thought of suicide crossed my mind. and the day spend half doom scrolling and cleaning and today it hit me.

i am queer. no matter how i slice the cake, i am queer. i am who ThEy are coming for. i am who ThEy want gone.

and no, it’s not happening. i feel that i can’t do anything to change the greater world but, that’s not who i am. i am very much “Keep your backyard tidy before fucking with your neighbor’s.” and that’s what i’m doing.

i am working on myself, as an act of defiance. me becoming a better person, a better queer person, being out there in this red state i live in, living my best life, laughing at the fuckers, that is an act of defiance.

is this all i can do? motherfucker, i am trying my best. i am not helping anyone by living in a pit of despair. let me get out of this pit, then i can fuck someone up.

i am not well

i’m not well.

i had my birthday weekend and lost my damn mind.

i need to write it out so bad but, i don’t know.

i feel that instead of getting to a better version of myself i fell into a pit of sorts.

i’m just sitting at the bottom of this pit, kicking rocks, looking at the sky above me, wishing i could be there and just staring at this ladder that could take me there.

i need to write about that night at the bar, what my tattoo means to me, and what i want out of this new life i have.

weekly update

i’m 101% done for the month, 37% for a year, giving me a D+ grade.

i’m done for the month so everything i do none is plus.

there is a lot going on right now and i inadvertently told Colt all about it last night.

a lot of stuff that i don’t want to post here, now. i know that is wild, but i think i’m having my own version of a midlife crisis and that’s a lot to take in right now.

for today, i just want to try to do two things off the To-Do-List and live.

it's only for 2 weeks

4 years ago, i started the tag, during the plague. it was to mark everything that was going on in this 2-week episode of this illness that will pass.

and we still here, in 2024.

i’m done with using the tag. my blogs/journals are dated. when history comes knocking, i have it written down. my view of this pandemic is different from what i have seen.

there was no lockdown for me. i worked retail. i went to work. if i didn’t go to work, i wouldn’t get paid and life would suck.

all the things that would refresh me from being a retail worker, didn’t happen: my 10th anniversary trip, seeing Marvel movies, celebrating turning 40, nope.

i went 302 days in a row of sleeping in my own bed. there were no trips to take and no boyfriend to come see me.

i didn’t get to stay home, become Tic-Tok famous, dye my hair, learn something, rest, day drink all day, work from home.

got up, went to work, pretend that everything was ok and not weird at all that i carried a note from work saying why i was out of my house, in case i got pulled over.

it’s not over. it may not be over but i am done marking it.

weekly update

i did nothing to improve myself this past week.

2023

In the year of Our Lord-

a new month and a new set of goals.

oh, what a world we weave when we are high on the crack pipe

i’m 120% done for the month, 40% for the year, giving me a B- grade because new month and all.

i’m 119% done for the month, 50% for the year, giving me a B grade.

what the hell is going on with me?

hello.

where have i been?

i’m 91% done for the month, 68% done for the year, giving me a B- grade.

well, i’m still here.

i am 77% done for the month, 71% for the year, giving me a C grade.

i have a 5-day weekend coming up and i want to spend it well.

in the beginning there was nothing but the ever-present screaming of the void

it is amazing what happens when you get a working keyboard and mouse.

so, i kinda got my new work station up. i need some contact paper on my old desk to make it prettier and i will have a written journalling spot. that should be fun to work with in the new year.

the basement is a hot mess and i don’t know when it will be neater. i wanted to start the year off with it clean and that didn’t happen. i am finally getting out of my depression hole and but it is still a slow walk back.

2024 is just going to start off when ALL the cleaning going on. that’s just it. try to get everything up to date so i do not have this filth about me.

weekly update

i’m 79% done for the month, 73% for the year, giving me a strong C grade.

i need to find the power to get up and do shit. i wasted today and will probably waste all my days.

it’s after dark. i do not own my feelings about myself until daylight.

never going to happen

i wrote in my notebook and no, i don’t want to put it here.

i am failing. i am failing at doing anything right now. i am not moving forward, i am in such a huge stalling place that it is making me sink.

“I am going to do something today!” nope, it don’t happen. that’s ok. i’ll get to it

never. it’s never going to happen. nothing is making me better, i am just sinking deeper and deeper.

and here’s a kicker:

it was once feeding the cats at night and once in the morning this week, i felt it. i felt that nip in the air that is fall. my Lady Autumn has sent her harbingers of praying mantis are popping up and i know, She is coming.

and i can not will myself to prepare my empty halls to echo with grand self-mythology. i can do that tomorrow.

there is no tomorrow but a long row of days of fucking nothing.

untitled update

where have i been?

i don’t know.

i think things went off the rails back in May and i have not mentally bounce back from it.

fuck, the memory of the Springfield trip that involved me seeing the 1st Guardians of the Galaxy and how it fucked with me just came back.

i need Jesus.

or Karpo. i have even fallen off that path of being a devotee to a deity.

no matter how much planning and list and notebooks and books i get/do, the fact i do not do anything to move forward is the main problem.

i need to made some moves and go an inch. even an inch a day will get me 30 inches forward by the end of the month. it’s a not a yard but i will be getting somewhere.

part is also the “do a bit on all my projects and just quarter ass the whole list” is not working for me.

i need focus.

here

hi.

Mom got the internet fixed and is getting the fucking tree cut down.

i got down last week and today it was just a change of my mind.

the cards told me to get out of this fucking funk and here i am.

this post is a hell of a mess but we are going to keep on going!

and with the knowledge of having a steady stream of internet, i am going to start on a schedule of getting shit down. in fits of 20 mins, doing things each night to get to my end goal.

i’ve fallen off the wagon of getting shit down and i need to get back on it. that is not going to fix everything but it will get me back on that track.