i miss Netflix.
March 10, 2018
hello March. you are almost halfway over and here i am talking to you.
work has been shit. even Judy has said so. i know Monday is gonna be shit plus with cunts coming back from their honeymoon. i can only hope for a rape and murder to take them out. have not heard anything so we will see what happens Monday.
i don’t know what do to with my lack of will and motivation on doing anything. i know, i know there is a “cure” for some shit and that is coming. i, i need to work on getting to that point. to have everything all laid out for me to see, i will be able to move. move to the next lvl if not out.
making plans to see Colt and Matthew in a few weeks. Colt has been mopey the last few days and maybe, a bit of fun with me will brighten him up.
i had the horrible idea and here i go.
i have been in some kind of relationship, for the most part, since 2002. i spend 22 lonely years looking for “love” and i’ve been “in love” for the past 16.
the last 16 years have been 3.5 boyfriends and Colt. there’s been so many ups and downs and i met and lost my soulmate, got burned, lost my virginity, and then there’s Matthew.
and then came Colt.
Colt and i are very different and sometimes i go to the opposite corner on impulse just to make myself more different than him and vaguely push him away from me.
i have many issues.
we are different. i have suggestions but his penis overrides common sense some, years. lifetimes, maybe?
and that makes me look hard at my life and me and my identity and then i get depressed and where the hell was i going with this?
i love Colt. i don’t see what is “wrong” that he can’t find a man to love on. i see him doing things that i don’t think are healthy but, i’m not part of the culture so i am being judgy.
i think, i think i can work that magick again, and make him a man. i think i can conjure him one. i did it once, why can’t i do it again?
March 9, 2018
i was home alone so it was great.
i text Colt when i get lonely. sometimes i rather have him nearby then Matthew because Matthew can be draining on me.
March 8, 2018
have not been listening to much music lately.
2017: Bowie. i play a list of Bowie’s instrumental songs and fall asleep to that.
2016: no clue. i put my iTunes on shuffle at night and then pass out.
2015: something off my itouch last night.
2014: don’t recall.
i put all of Bowie into one big ass playlist and sometimes hit shuffle on it. it’s odd. i have some 40 odd years of music on that playlist but sometimes, the songs blend into each other so effortlessly.
March 7, 2018
2017: i’m gonna try to do a lot this year.
2016: hmm. i don’t know this year. i like what i’ve said in year’s past, just thought something new would have happen this year.
2015: people’s emotions.
2014: the truth.
i think this might be the year of experimenting with a lot of things…
March 6, 2018
cunty and asshole managers.
just hoping they get raped and murdered in Mexica while on their honeymoon…
March 5, 2018
really, they have taken over what is what in this world.