Manifest

Hey all.

I, I have not been my best, of late. I thought it was PMS and my period started this week and there is still this sense of blarness that hangs around me.

Am I living in a bell jar…

Anyhoots, I was going to post the Card of the Day last night when news of Chadwick Boseman’s death and things just took a turn for me.

My dad died in late 2018. I took 2019 off and made plans for 2020 to be my year. On January 1st, 2020, I put on my pearls (cuz it’s the ‘20’s now!) and went out for dinner and a movie and that was the last time I went out and had fun!

I’m also dealing with a break-up. I thought I was doing good with that, but I am not.

Marvel and the Marvel Cinematic Universe was the love language I shared with my partner. Hearing about Chadwick Boseman’s death, while I was writing out my feelings, brought a lot of stuff up in me.

I have written out my ToDoList for the month of September. I am trying very hard to work my way out of this funk and get to a better place.

I have been looking at this spread in my Tarot Planner (from owlandbonest) and getting out my Flower Speak deck out, let’s see what I can manifest.

What do I want to manifest? I want Dandelion, I want strength. I want the power to do what I want to do and not just feel like I can’t do anything.

How can I make it happen? Cosmos, I need to find that out on my own. Not helpful…

What supports the manifestation process is Violet, Vervain, and Star of Bethlehem. Let’s take this one card at a time.

Violet, getting over this break-up will help me find my strength.

Vervain, parts of me are fighting, Morning Glory and Rose, my healing and moving on…

Last is Star of Bethlehem, end of pain.

How will I feel after getting my strength? I will feel Hawkweed, I will be able to move.

If I can get over this fucking break-up, I will have my power back. I find it odd that’s what the cards say. Early in the break-up, I felt this rush of creativity, of doing stuff I wanted to do, for myself, and not for him.

Let me work on myself, and hopefully, I will get my powers back.

STILL ON THIS BLAR KICK, OH GODS SOMEONE COME HELP ME!!!

if my period don’t start fucking soon…

i know i need to write about the twin’s b-day party but that’s for another day.

talked to Nicole last night. i think, my birthday is gonna be canceled.

the last time i went out, like for dinner and movie, was the fucking 1st of January. i wore my pearls because it was the start of the 20’s!

and this is what it has turned into.

i mention it on Facebook, i took 2019 off to deal with Dad being dead and 2020 was gonna be my year!

i’m gonna take some pills and go meditate.

the cards never lie

i should never doubt my cards.

last week’s card of the week was the reversed Empress. ok. to me that means PMS.

i blew it off.

i was so mopey last week and when Monday hit and my period trying to start, A WEEK EARLY, i put 2 and 2 together.

got to trust my cards more.

no, i got to ask the cards more about me then what is going on about me. i asked about outside forces where i need to worry about inside forces.

i know i need/want a new tarot deck. the one i was looking won’t be coming out for a, few years, and i know i’m getting a new oracle deck Octobersih. i keep looking at tarot decks and yet to see any that call to me.

*sigh*

i did meditate Monday night. 

living in blarness

             did i get all i wanted to do done this weekend?  no.

 was it because of Matthew?  maybe.

 i, i don’t know.  i titled the last blog past as “i have no clue if i will ever get out of this blarness” and gods, do i need to start on St. John’s Wort? 

 i have been trying to add to this blog post for hours now and have nothing to write.

 and i have been looking at this post and now i’m seeing that i already written this paragraph.

 *sigh*

i have no clue if i will ever get out of this blarness

 

i got my crafting shelves all organized.  i’m actually excited about it.  i need to buy some boxes to redo it a bit but, ta-da!

 and if i can get the crafting table done…

 and really hit the witch’s area needs some help.  and then i want to clean out the tabletops of in my bedroom.  and the living room “altar” needs some help.

 Matthew has been up here for 3 days and it’s a bit much on my end.  to top it all off, his car is dead.  we think it’s the battery but i have no clue.  he seems not to care and i’m trying not to spend to many thoughts on it, but still.

 i’ve quite pulling cards for the weakened because they seem so up and down.  Colt has been on my mind, too much, and i’m trying to move forward.

 but how do you box up 6 years of love and then set it aside?

 tomorrow (well, kinda right nowish) is the new moon.  i want to try to get into meditating.  i hope to find something there.

blar with a plan

 

well, it was a weekend.

 next weekend Matthew will be here and i don’t know how much stuff i will get done. 

 blerk.

 it hit me, that’s it’s August.  ok, so now what?  yes, the Halloween stuff is trickling out and the fall stuff is out but my dumbass did not add 2 and 2 to get OKTOBER IS COMING, NOW IS THE TIME TO GET SHIT DONE TO WITCH OUT FOR 31 DAYS!!! till this weekend.

 and all the things like setting goals/deadlines/breaking things down to smaller tasks, cannot get me off my ass to do the things.

 i want some type of daily practice.  i want to meditate.

 what i did not understand was having trackers in your bullet journal.  with all the cool apps and websites, why would you need a paper and pencil copy of it.

 i have been trying to rematch all of Supernatural before THE END and it hit me to have such a tracker would make me feel good.  and to keep track of all the eps.

 and one for the afghan i’m trying to crochet.  i want to get 1 round done a day, just to move it along at some pace.

 and then i could have one for my blog posts…

 i know i get too caught up in the idea of being organized with notebooks and things.

 i also know every 1^st of the month, every Monday is a new start, a new year, to get something started and new.

 i got candles burning now.  that is something.

 ok, here’s the deal.

 i will do the round of crocheting.  after that, i can do the reading (my goals for reading have gotten to the point if i pick up a book, that’s a gold star for me) and then when i am done with that, i can do the crocheting.

 will, no, this is the plan.  if i alternate between crocheting and reading, then i will get something done. 

 ok, need to make some trackers in my bullet journal, mend my work purse, and maybe meditate tonight?  i know meditating every day ain’t gonna happen but it i can get started with it.

 fuck, here’s goes nothing.

blar on a Monday

i think i am done with redoing my Book of Shadows, at lest on Word.  next step, getting it on hardcopy.

 tonight is a full moon.  gonna throw the cards and see what falls. 

 Colt has been on my mind, like always. 

 fuck, i got an idea for a poem.  needs to find some more rhyming words for this.

 i had lost my crochet hook but i found it and gods, i need to get past this round on the motif.

do you see penguins everywhere like i see sharks?

i was told i should blog, and i am.

you were brought up today. people asked if i had heard anything from you. i said no, i had not.

it will be two months next Saturday. two whole months without a word from you, going from a time where we were in constant contact with each other.

do you even feel me, anymore?

do you see penguins everywhere like i see sharks?

i spent most of PRIDE thinking about being non-binary. actually, i spent it questioning if i was non-binary. i started thinking about who i have been, the last 40 odd years.

from the outside, from anyone who doesn’t know me, i am a woman. nothing has changed about me how i perceive myself.

and you can’t deal. you can’t deal with me not being a man or a woman, but being something in between. nothing else has changed about me.

i still use she/her and other womanly names. i was still your girlfriend, you threw that away. you blocked me and walked away.

i’m still here. i’m willing to talk.