where did the month go?
i don’t know if i a getting any better. Timehop reminds me that this time of year seems to be a crash of my soul.
i need Halloween to be out here, now.
i keep playing around with my idea of “fan fic” and maybe, maybe i need to start writing it down. maybe i just need to write the parts i like and start forming the whole at a later date.
i just feel too tired to sit and watch TV anymore. i want to do things, like just write a #ToDoList and that seems too much to do.
i need to stop scrolling TicTok for hours too.
unless the depression is why i’m scrolling TicTok for hours.
gah.
well i open this up and saw i was gonna write something back on the 8th, so here’s to 10 days late?
i use to be able to txt a friend but his bitch ass left me so i am down to Nicole. she keeps having chest pains and heart attacks and i don’t feel like bogging her down with all my bullshit so i am left with the voices inside my head.
so, here i am.
and, i want to write but taking the time to sit and do it, eats up too many spoons, as they say.
my problems are all mental. i know they are all in my head, rolling around like some crack addicts on meth. i try to ignore, i try to keep away but they are there, in my head.
work, work is not helping. i am doing my “work” to fix problems and, if i was team lead i wouldn’t be having half these problems.
but to be a team lead means working till 11 pm and i’m not playing that game.
tomorrow is another day.
i am still alive.
my mental health has been in the crappier the last few weeks. i want to put the blame on lack of me taking my vitamins and PMS.
but i still feel this fuzz over me. i don’t know where to pin the problems on because i don’t feel like it’s an internal problem. it feels like an external problem that has burrowed its way into my soul.
can i blame everything on work? it’s an easy out and i think it’s true.
i am working on that front. “And I fortunately know a little magic.” it’s something small but it’s a step.
i have drive to make a list of things for my day off and then just not want to do anything. again, i can blame work on sucking so hard on my soul that my one day off is not enough to recover and continue on.
and then i tell myself my NEXT day off, and it don’t happen.
i need to get the thoughts out of my head more often. i need to start tweeting them out. i don’t have my one release anymore (since he walked out on me…) so, lots of thoughts in my head stay there and that’s not good for me, now.
i have a mood tracker app on my phone. i have been averaging below 3 for my mood of the week for over a month now.
now, i can game the system and over track my good moods but, there hasn’t been many.
i think part of it is the weather and the season. i’m done with summer and there are just bits, bits, of Halloween stuff slowly starting to creep out.
i’m ready for fall. and it feels that once August starts, we are doing Halloween and i will be very ok with that.
i did clean up my living room and that made me feel a bit better. you want a witchcraft tip? clean your space. i don’t mean with incense and candles but with soap and water. you will be amazed how that can improve your outlook.
if i can get the will to do that bathroom…
i have a new oracle deck coming on Monday. that will put me with 3 new ones that i have not broken in yet.
and i haven’t read the book with my Supernatural tarot deck.
this week, let’s move an inch. let’s try to pick something and move forward with it.
the aftermath of a vacation band be the worst thing for a person.
it did not help that i caught some stomach bug that i am still trying to get rid of.
it did not help that Matthew got drunk and trashed my place.
i knew it needed cleaning before this but not, it’s bad.
Black Widow was good. i think i felt underwhelmed by it because i put so much faith and hope in this being the movie to cure me of all the ills i acquired the last 2 years.
i did think about him. during the credits i did think “… are you thinking of me when you fuck her?” and “And every time I scratch my nails/Down someone else's back I hope you feel it”.
some of the better things that happen was i did get another oracle deck and a book on how to clean and now i really need it because, drunk boyfriend.
and i know work is gonna be a peach tomorrow.
