I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same

Every year I try to pick a theme, a goal, a life style to hold on.

Last year was King based on a song by Florence and the Machine. It was the lyric “I am no mother, I am no bride, I am king” that really hit me.

Late last year, I thought my song of the year was going to be “Delilah” by Florence and the Machine. It was one lunch hour, listening to random music videos on YouTube, when the voice of Jakob Dylan pulled me out of a fog with the line “This place is always such a mess/Sometimes I think I’d like to watch it burn”

I lifted the lyrics from “One Headlight” as my anthem for the year. Hell, I wrote the lyrics on my bathroom wall:

This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same

And in the last line, “Man, I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same” that is hitting me.

I have changed and I am the same.

This shit with Matthew, I have had a relationship for the past 20 odd years, rarely single, living that dream that 4-year-old wanted of having a boyfriend.

And I threw it all away….

I didn’t throw it away. I woke up. I snapped that day in late February and telling my truth, I am no mother, I am no bride, I am King.”

“I want things Marty.” and I do and he was giving me anything, only taking.

Taking so much…

The past three months of being free from him, I have changed and stayed the same. I feel like a more refine Amer, a purer form of myself.

I know this has translated in my witchcraft and my spiritually. I can focus on me and I am seeing improvements.

I am getting to be the person I wanted to be.

That 4-year-old may be disappointed in the boyfriend department but she would be thrilled by the witchcraft.