July 24, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1386

“What’s in your fridge?”

i don’t own one.
2016: i don’t own one.
2015: i really don’t own a fridge.
2014: food.



July 23, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1385

“What was the last thing you baked or cooked?”


erp, i don’t recall.
2016: don’t recall.
2015: made myself a breakfast burrito the other day.
2014: tacos.



July 22, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1384

“Where do you go for good ideas?”


i want to say it’s been my path. it’s seems to come back and i’m learning things and wanting to do things.
2016: Colt. he’s been the inspiration for the last few years’ worth of writing.
2015: Nicole.
2014: myself. if not me, then Nicole.



July 21, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1383

“Who was the last person to make you angry?”


cunts at work.
2016: work.
2015: myself.
2014: the bf pisses me off mostly.



July 20, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1382

“Does anything hurt today?”

neck.
2016: my back.
2015: i don’t think so.
2014: my back.



a blog post by amerwitch



so, how was my Spider-Man weekend?
Matthew came up on Sunday night and we had a nice time. did some running around in Jeff on Monday (and really, with no stores and no freaking book store, the capital of the fucking state don’t have a book store, what’s the point of Jeff anymore?) and then home for a small feast.
and then came Tuesday.
Columbia is our city. the only draw back of the weekend was the fuck up about the hotel, Taco Bell not being at the mall anymore, not finding the earrings i wanted, and it being so fucking hot with no air in the car.
Red Lobster was ok? i felt so white at the place. and i did find something to eat, on the diet menu. this pissed me off.
Wednesday we saw Spider-Man: Homecoming and it was joy.
they did the whole “show a superhero in his underwear” and you got to see Tom Holland’s baby abs.
he still looks like he’s 13.
i like Spider-Man now. can’t wait to see if Sony fucks this all up or if Marvel will just take him and run away.
saw the grandparents, caught some pokys, did go to the new witchcraft shop in town. it was ok.
i’m still going to need to the health food store for herbs.
we did go to Chili’s and our waiter was rocking knots on his head, just like me.
and we went all out to sing the birthday song to Matthew. i had to leave him a hella tip after that.
we went to one pizza place and, never again. Matthew orders us a pizza and then the waitress looks at me, like i’m just want a salad or something.
at lest the air in the hotel room was cool.
overall, it was a good weekend. just so fucking hot.

July 19, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1381

“What do you need to throw away?”


lots of things.
2016: a lot of crap.
2015: a lot of things.
2014: lots of things.



July 18, 2017

5 yr blog , day 1380

“What are the ingredients for a perfect day?”


not going to work.
2016: not going to work.
2015: pizza.
2014: friends.



July 17, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1379

“How can you help?”




i want to work on me for a change, and not be helping others.
2016: i ask that question a lot at work. i really don’t care about those people.
i do care about MY people. and often i ask “what do you want me to do?”
2015: ask who i have helped. they all have tags on this blog.
2014: with what? i’m okay with some vague questions and even the stupid ones are cute but this bullshit, it’s gotta stop.




July 16, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1378

“Are you wearing socks?”

no.
2016: no.
2015: no.
2014: no.



July 15, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1377

“What is your heroic downfall? Your Achilles’ heel?”


i want to fix the broken but i can’t seem to fix the broken that is in me.
2016: i want to fix the broken but i can’t seem to fix the broken that is in me.
2015: i want to fix the broken but i can’t seem to fix the broken that is in me.
2014: i want to fix the broken.



July 14, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1376

“Do you have a secret? More than one?”


ha ha ha!
2016: if you only knew.
2015: secrets so bad that i can’t even write them here.
2014: like i’m telling you.



July 13, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1375

“What are you sentimental about?”


i’m trying to get rid of stuff so right now, it’s all kinds iffy.
2016: things that my friends have given me.
2015: my high school band shirts. i can’t get rid of them, can’t cut them and make a quilt out of them. they just sit there, waiting.
2014: i’ve kept a blog for over 13 years. what am i not sentimental about?



July 12, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1374

“___ is perfect.”


Tom Hiddleston as Loki.
2016: Tom Hiddleston as Loki.
2015: Tom Hiddleston as Loki.
2014: Tom Hiddleston as Loki.



July 11, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1373

“If you were a literary character, who would you be?”


Miss Piggy did play all the witches from Oz…
2016: still going with the Wicked Witch.
2015: still would be the Wicked Witch. her and Miss Piggy were the biggest influences on me.
2014: Wicked Witch of the West!



July 10, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1372

“When was the last time you spoke to your parents?”


today.
2016: today.
2015: today.
2014: today.



July 9, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1371

“Today was delightful because ___.”


Matthew is here.
2016: new cell phone, tablet, and watch.
2015: there was nothing delightful about today. it marked day 3 of being in shoes. it was hell.
2014: there was nothing delightful about today.



July 8, 2017

before the storm



want to write but have nothing to say.
it’s the quite before 5 fun filled days of Matthew. it’s his birthday and we are going north and seeing Spider-Man. i keep hearing good things.
fun fact: i had a Batman Birthday Bash for Matthew when The Dark Knight Rises came out and he made me go see The Amazing Spider-Man. i was like “what part of Batman Birthday Bash had fucking Spider-Man in it?”
well, 5 years later and everything is Marvel! i will miss you Batman. maybe one day DC will get it right again and i’ll see you again.



5 yr blog, day 1370

“What do you have to lose?”

nothing, really.
2016: everything.
2015: everything.
2014: everything.



July 7, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1369

“What’s the next book you want to read?”


i’m looking over tarot books and witchcraft books right now. i don’t know which one is next but it will be something like that.
2016: 1984?
2015: i have no idea.
2014: i have no idea.



July 6, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1368

“Who is your best friend?”

Nicole.
2016: Nicole, hands down.
2015: still gonna say Nicole. she’s been here the longest.
2014: Nicole.



July 5, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1367

“What is your motto?”


“That’s my secret Cap. I’m always angry.”
2016: yup, still going with “That’s my secret Cap. I’m always angry.”
2015: still gonna go with last year’s quote.
2014: “That’s my secret Cap. I’m always angry.”



July 4, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1366

“___ is funny.”

nothing.
2016: life.
2015: still think i’m funny.
2014: ME! I’M FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!



June Update Part II: Transformers Weekend from Hell

ok, some backstory. the original plan was for me and Mathew to go to STL and see Nicole and do Pride. i was very much looking forward to going to my first Pride (and really, i haven’t seen a parade in ages and that’s what i really wanted to do).
it didn’t happen. Nicole and Matthew are at a stand still in life about things that has barred Matthew from visiting Nicole.
so, i had the weekend off, $500 saved up and some txting and what not, this is the weekend i got.






i set up the weekend with minor issues. i even gave Colt a way out to the whole things. he never said no and with a txt saying he brought the tickets, away we go.
off i go on a Saturday, south to first get Matthew. he was packed and ready to go. throw everything in the car and off we go.
Matthew burned a CD of movie scores. i had to guess who the composer was.
made it to the hotel. Matthew and me unpack and i start getting dressed, as i was going to dress as a vampire to see Transformers.
and while putting on my makeup, Colt ask if i was wearing a bra because my nipples were out and about.
yes, i was wearing a bra, a real bra, and how amazing are my boobs are if the gay guy takes note?
we eat at Chilies and Colt talks about his IBS.
and somewhere we went to Bass Pro Shop.
we leave and see the movie.
the movie, in 3D IMAX was such a shit storm of stupid.
and instead of yelling and screaming at the movie, i sighed and shoot my hands in anger.
which was too much for colt to deal with and my tone at Chiles and now i’m just this mean bitch (hello, where have you been Colt?) and i need to lighten up and find joy and dear gods have i changed that much to him?
my thoughts on the movie is it is a pile of crap.
and to understand why, here is Lindsay Ellis’s Youtube series on Transformers.
did i mention Colt has a new car that has 3 doors and is orange?
and i asked him, if i had to bring shoes because i’m trying this whole dressing girly thing with flipflops (mens ones with trim i sewed on to make them girly) he said no.
i walked 4 miles in flip flops on Sunday.
Colt picked up us and away we went on Sunday. IHOP for breakfast (grr on many lvls) and then Barns and Noble and then Wal-Mart because reasons, and then i swear back to Colt’s so he could charge his phone.
i passed out while Colt played Fallout and gods know what Matthew did.
i swear it was the fact i had both of my men and the act of trying to make sure they both were happy and not trying to kill each other and me being sick and other things drove me to a nap.
and then we were off to the park to walk the 4 said miles and for me to catch freaking pokys to lvl up by September to raid with Colt but look, they lower the cap so now really i am playing the poky game because Colt plays it and well, i want to be a good girlfriend.


I’M TRYING TO BE A GOOD GIRLFRIEND FOR YOU COLT! YOU WANT THE MALE VERSION OF ME. I CAN NOT WAIT TO MET HIM.


and then we ended up at some local Italian place for dinner and then Colt drop us off.
i didn’t get to hug him.
i didn’t give him a card reading.
the rat bastard never has open his tarot cards. that hurts Colt.
Monday me and Matthew hit the witch store that don’t sell herbs. Matthew found a book from his childhood and i got some charcoal and lilac oil.
and drop Matthew off and i head home.
and then i worked 6 days in a row over this first of the month/“holiday” weekend bullshit.

June Update Part I: Taco Luau



dollar stores are dangerous.
plans were made to go see Jessica and i was bringing tacos and it was a Tuesday and then i went to the dollar store and it’s all summer and luau stuff and i buy all the things.
i got grass skirts for Ellie and Emily and leis for everyone else.
Jessica’s mom was there….
party was a hit. everybody loves tacos (even Emily!). Jessica told me A LOT of stuff and she needs to start writing it done and make a book of it.
she also showed me that i am lucky to have Matthew.
and Emily is a doll. teeth and walking, and now she’s trying the talking. she knows “puppy” and kept saying “EEEEEEE”. i start in with some vocal warm ups in maybe she would take on another vowel.
it didn’t work.
she also has a horn. she’s got this cowlick curl on the side of her head (and now it looks like she’s got one on the other side too). i showed Mom a pic of her and she said those are her horns of power, don’t cut them off because it takes a long time to get power.

July 3, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1365

“What was the last beach you went to?”


Cocoa. back in 2002.
2016: Cocoa. back in 2002.
2015: Cocoa. back in 2002.
2014: Cocoa. back in 2002.



July 2, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1364

“Today you cancelled ___.”

nothing.
2016: nothing.
2015: nothing.
2014: nothing.



July 1, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1363

“Water, ice, or steam?”

Long Island Tea.
2016: tea?
2015: wind.
2014: wind.



June 30, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1362

“What can you live without right now?”


there seems to be this thing where “you’re poor, why are you going out to McD’s for lunch instead of staying home and cooking? see, you are rich to afford such a luxury as food!”
so, no, i’m not buying into this idea of “what can you live without?” because it’s i live with what i have because i’ve worked to get here.
2016: is this supposed to make me think of how i’m supposed to be better off with something, like too much internet or air?
i can live without a lot of stuff, the question is do i want to? no. i like what i have and not giving up anything.
2015: still stand with last year’s answer.
2014: i hate questions like this. it’s not the matter of what i can live without, it’s the matter of why the hell would i want to? how will that make me a better person or some other bullshit?





30 Days of Pride: *BONUS*

*BONUS* Share a picture of you showing your pride! Happy Pride Month!

maybe next year…

30 Days of Pride: Day 30

Why are you PROUD to be LGBTQ+?


last year i felt like a phony for doing this. i only just realized i fall on the asexual line of life, the Pulse shooting happen, and i never had sex with a woman. how can i put myself in the same boat as all the “real” gays?
but, i’m not straight. i like looking at naked women and men in drag, i keep watching these Youtube videos about being a lesbian and taking notes, and i’m just this queer little duck in this world.
i’m not the queerest and to the outside world, i am straight but i’m not.
and that’s it, that’s the line. i try to say, out loud, “i’m straight” and what comes out is “i’m not.”
so, why am i proud? if anything, i’m here to fuck with people who think i’m straight, who think what you see is what you get. i’m proud to put questions of all things before all the white, county fools i live with.
i’m here to fuck things up and i’m damn proud of that.





June 29, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1361

“What are you top songs on your ‘recently played’ list?”



working 6 days in a row, it’s all about my vids on Youtube.
2016: itunes is down and i don’t have any. :’(
2015: top three
  1. “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone
  2. “Interrogation Song” by Ty Burrell, Sam the Eagle and The Muppets
  3. “Heroes” by David Bowie
2014: top three
  1. “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic
  2. “Invisible” by U2
  3. “White Walls” by Macklemore



30 Days of Pride: Day 29

What do you love most about yourself?


nothing right now.

June 28, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1360

“If your mood were a weather forecast, you’d be____.”


blah.
2016: lazy.
2015: calm, and then it’s really dark and depressing.
2014: dark, foreboding, overcast, with danger in air.
and windy.




30 Days of Pride: Day 28

Share how YOU are going to change the world.


i got a niece and a nephew coming and i’m going to make sure i am the best fucking aunt ever and help them if they are not on the straight and narrow path.

June 27, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1359

“When was the last time you ate pizza? What kind?”


today. i cooked some frozen pizzas.
2016: last week Tuesday at Pizza Hut.
2015: Monday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.
2014: Tuesday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.



30 Days of Pride: Day 27

Treat yourself today, and share a picture of it!


i didn’t treat myself so no pics.

June 26, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1358

“What is your biggest indulgence?”

laziness.
2016: food.
2015: food.
2014: air.



30 Days of Pride: Day 26

Share who in the LGBTQ+ community (past or present) inspires you. Why?


Nicole and Colt are my inspires.
why? Nicole has been here forever and Colt is the thorn in my side that makes me move.

June 25, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1357

“Who is your closest companion?”

my network is now Colt, Jessica, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.
2016: i still have my network!
Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby!
2015: i don’t have one, i have a network: Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.
2014: Nicole.




30 Days of Pride: Day 25

Take a selfie - you are beautiful!

no pics.

June 24, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1356

“What’s your next social engagement?”


Matthew’s birthday.
2016: this weekend with Mathew.
2015: i think it’s the date for Matthew’s birthday followed by an Ant-Man birthday weekend.
2014: posting this blog.



30 Days of Pride: Day 24

Share your greatest achievement.


it wasn’t till, last year or so i was watching The Color Purple. there’s the part where Whoopi Goldberg has the line: “I'm poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I'm here. I'm here.”
and i know, i am white and living that privilege life but there are many times when i come back to this blog to write and i write “i’m still here.”
and that’s where i get the line from. it’s my bastard quote from The Color Purple.
and that’s my greatest achievement, i’m still here.



June 23, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1355

“When was the last time you cried?”


Shiner’s funeral.
2016: i really don’t remember.
2015: i really don’t remember.
i “should” have when Colt and Jacob left, but i didn’t.
2014: it was within the last week. i teared up at the end of watching Phantom.




30 Days of Pride: Day 23

Share a picture of you and your family or friends.


yeah, not sharing pics of anyone right now.

June 22, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1354

“What was the last movie you saw in a theater?”


Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 with Colt and Matthew.
2016: Me Before You with Matthew.
2015: Avengers: Age of Ultron with my men: Colt, Matthew, and Jacob.
2014: X-Men: Days of Future Past with Colt and Matthew.



30 Days of Pride: Day 22

Share a picture of you and your best friend!


i don’t have a pic of all my friends and i don’t feel like posting a slew of pics.
i will name names!
Colt, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.


June 21, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1353

“Who do you want to know better?”

no one, right now.
2016: Jacob. he is so like no one i imagine having in my life it’s like some kind of experiment having him in my circle.
2015: this past year, i’ve been learning a lot about myself. i think i’m hitting new lvls.
2014: Colt.



30 Days of Pride: Day 21

How did you meet the last person you had feelings for?

WalMart.

June 20, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1352

“Write the first sentence of your autobiography.”


...
2016: Once upon a time…
2015: She was loved by many.
2014: She was a witch.



30 Days of Pride: Day 20

Share something you love about your significant other - or - how you’re making the most of being single.


after seeing Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, me, Colt, and Matthew went to Taco Bell. Matthew was going off on soothing or another and Colt txt me if he ever shut ups.
i txt Colt back that he doesn’t, and he paces and i love him for it.

June 19, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1351

“What was the last personal letter you received?”


Colt sent me a book.
2016: i get the random letter from Colt and Jacob.
2015: Colt and Shadow sent me a Valentine this year.
2014: like in the mail? 2006.
Colt did write me a goodbye letter before he left.




30 Days of Pride: Day 19

Share your favorite memory.

i’m not picking one. i pick anytime i’m with Colt and Matthew.

June 18, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1350

“What was the last meal someone cooked for you?”

Mom.
2016: Mom.
2015: Mom made supper last night.
2014: Mom, today.



30 Days of Pride: Day 18

Name someone you know who inspires you and share why.


Colt and Nicole.
Colt because he gets to write. and most of my other projects are related to him.
Nicole, she’s who i want to be when i grow up.


June 17, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1349

“The best hour of today was___. Why?”


none really stick out.
2016: the time i spent with Jessica and Emily.
why? because i got to meet Emily and me and Jessica hashed out things.
2015: not an hour but my time walking was great.
why? fastest mile ever and just feeling great. it’s almost like meditating.
2014: the hour me and Mathew ate out. it was just awesome.





30 Days of Pride: Day 17

Share something you’d like to improve about yourself.


everything.

June 16, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1348

“What makes you cynical?”


the store.
2016: so with i’ve been saying.
2015: will go with last year’s answer.
2014: ok, so the definition of “cynical” on my Merriam-Webster Dictionary app is: “believing that people are generally selfish and dishonest.”
working at Wal-Mart and have the customers just lie to you, all day, every day.




30 Days of Pride: Day 16

Name your best quality.


right now i don’t feel like i have one.

June 15, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1347

“What’s your favorite gadget?”



my cell phone.
2016: HAMMER!!!
2015: hammer!
2014: a hammer.



30 Days of Pride: Day 15

Name a company that is a positive force in the LGBTQ+ community.


i don’t know off the top of my head. i will say this. do they wave the rainbow flag during June and then go back to doing nothing the other 11 months of the year? how are they treating their employees? them the question to ask when you want to do looking for positive force.

June 14, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1346

“Did you exercise today?”

no.
2016: no.
went shopping with Mom, in the heat. that’s my workout.
2015: no.
2014: not really. i went shopping with Mom and that has walking so i will say i did ½.




twin news




the baby shower was Sunday.
we made 500 pigs in a blankets.
we made too many.
Mom laid out all her wares and she had easily some $1000 in quilts.
and Sarah really don’t care.
she turned down baby clothes from her sisters because she didn’t want anything outdated.
she is turning into a fucking uppity snob about shit.
her sisters don’t know where this is coming from. i can only think she is trying to live this picture-perfect life and that’s gonna crash down on her when the twins get here.
i’m hoping to see Jessica next week to talk shit out.
and find things out.

30 Days of Pride: Day 14

Tag your #InstaCrush. Share a picture of them!


if i had one, it would be Colt.
and his blog is at http://www.thedarkshark.com

June 13, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1345

“Something that made you worry today ___.”


not a damn thing.
2016: Orlando.
and my boys.
2015: general worries about Colt.
2014: i had no worries today.




30 Days of Pride: Day 13

Are your religious? Why or why not?


i’m a witch, i’m a pagan. that’s who i am.
as right now, i’m more lapsed then anything. i am slowly working my way back on to my path and back to the craft.

June 12, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1344

“Is something in your way? Can you move it?”


i need to get back to moving. i’m not right now and it’s starting to bring me down.
2016: it’s my room but i am moving, one slow step at a time.
2015: i am moving, one foot at a time.
2014: if there is, it’s me.



30 Days of Pride: Day 12

Name your favorite fictional LGBTQ+ character.




hmm. i had to look at last year’s to see how i answered it.
there’s Willow from Buffy
there’s Hedwig from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
there’s Tim Curry’s Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror.
and i’m gonna say Bowie.
before you fight me over Bowie, that man had a lot of personas. and no matter what, he was a queer duck out there in the world. he may have been straight, but he, he, him, HIM, is a beacon for all us odd ducks to flock to. and i’ll put money that he’s got a bit more of the LGBTQA peeps then some other singers.






June 11, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1343

“What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?”


see, you are thinking that i work some Monday-Friday job and have this thing called a weekend.
i don’t. i work. Friday is usually my Tuesday so go sort that out.
2016: what i like to do every day, just relax before i have to go to bed.
2015: eh.
2014: eh.




30 Days of Pride: Day 11

When was the first time you fell in love? Who was it with?


his name was Christopher.
and that’s all i got to say about that.

June 10, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1342

“How many cups of coffee did you drink today?”


I DON’T DRINK COFFEE!
2016: still don’t drink coffee.
2015: still don’t drink coffee.
2014: i don’t drink coffee.



30 Days of Pride: Day 10

What is the most influential LGBTQ+ event you’ve attended?


i could go stereotypical and say it’s when i saw Phantom for the first time.
i have been to the strip club on fetish night and saw some lesbians go at it.
and i went to the gay bar with Colt and Matthew last month.
i really haven’t been to any “real” events.



June 9, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1341

“What makes a good friend?”

i don’t know.
2016: Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, Shelby.
2015: Colt, Matthew, Nicole.
2014: i’m not going there.



30 Days of Pride: Day 9

What ‘tribe’ do you identify with?

erp. butch?
i took a Buzzfeed quiz, and while it was for gay men, it said i was a geek.
i got no clue.


June 8, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1340

“What makes you miserable?”




the fight between Matthew and Nicole and how it seems to not 
end.
2016: the situation that i am currently in.
2015: being owned money and not having be paid back.
2014: 6 days in a row.



30 Days of Pride: Day 8

Who is your greatest supporter?


my men.

June 7, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1339

“What do you feel grateful for today?”





i had the day off.
2016: Matthew will be here and my room is slightly better.
2015: i’m not going to be at work the next two days, the same days that Jessica is gone.
2014: it’s summer.



"how's the kittys?"



“how are the kittys?” it’s a question that is asked often.
Matthew ask how my cats are. it’s early, last week Tuesday. i’m at the store, looking for makeup for Pride.
and then he tells me the next thing that changes everything for the worse.
Shiner died. ** ***** *** ******* ** ** *** *****.  
and then everything goes so weird.
i met him twice, i think and he had soul piercing blue eyes and a rawness to him.
but he’s Matthews’s good friend and Matthew talked about him all the time and…
and i tried to go on my day of shopping with Mom.
Matthew calls me the next day and we talked and i tell him i can make it to the funeral tomorrow and then i call him back and tell him i’ll be there today.
and i throw together outfits for the vitiation and the funeral and something to wear there and get Kelly’s old car, with $60 Mom gave me, and make my way there.
i check into the hotel room. i find Star Trek and mute it while i watched The Handmaiden’s Tale on my tablet.
Matthew shows up and he’s a mess.
it pours down rain while we drive to Lebanon. we get lost but find the funeral parlor.
i hated the place. it was way to city for me and made me miss Morton’s.
i couldn’t look at him in that coffin. i couldn’t bring myself to let that be the last memory of him, laying in that box.
i sat in a corner and Matthew talked to everyone. the whole time i was down there, he kept rattle off names of classmates, wanting to get in touch with them to make sure they knew Shiner had died.
get back to the hotel room and we sleep.
wake up, check out, i demanded to be fed before the funeral, and back to Lebanon.
the first preacher was fine. the 2nd one was Matthew’s old baseball coach and i hated it. too much on the ideal of a happy afterlife, not enough about the life we are missing.
Matthew was a pallbearer. he kept saying it was the lest he could do.
and then we drove out to buttfuck to bury him. turned off the paved road onto the gravel road, that’s how far out we got.
back to Lebanon for Taco Bell before we drove back to my car and i drove back home.
i was there for a bit over 24 hours.
and i’m still crying over this lost, this life that was not a part of mine but part of someone i love.
and i’m mad.
i’m mad that he won’t be in my wedding party.
i’m mad there’s no further where he’s there, playing with my children.
i’m mad at the idea of his mother, standing in his apartment, wondering what to do with his dirty socks and leftovers in his fridge.
i’m made that i sat in the corner of and cried so much that Matthew’s parents asked me if i was ok.
i’m made that i’m the one that’s here to take care of Matthew. i have to deal with a broken boyfriend and he’s just fucking dead.
i’m mad that i keep playing this out only with Colt in the coffin and how i want to go first because i don’t want to live in a world without the loves of my life.
i’m just mad it was such a stupid way to die and such a waste and what the hell is the point of anything anymore?

30 Days of Pride: Day 7

Share something about your family or upbringing.


err… what’s to say about them?
really, i don’t want to talk about them this year.

June 6, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1338

“Which family member are you the closest to?”


none of them.
2016: none of them.
2015: i’m trying to get away from them.
2014: i’m not close to any of them.



30 Days of Pride: Day 6

Who was the first person your came out to?


myself. i feel this is a cheat but;
i felt like a prude when i would talk about sex with Colt. he could do anybody and i just felt cold all over at the idea.
and then i found the word for it: demisexual. i’m not broke, i am me. and when i realized that, it was a coming out to me by me to finalized who i am.


June 5, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1337

“What was the last fruit you ate?”

no clue.
2016: watermelon in dipping sauce.
2015: do not recall.
2014: do not recall.



30 Days of Pride: Day 5

Who was your first celebrity crush?


Eric Braeden, who plays Victor Newman on The Young and the Restless. it took me a few years to learn the word to describe him.
sexy.

June 4, 2017

5 year blog, day 1336

“Today you wore___.”


out. i was wore out by the end of the day.
2016: work clothes.
2015: clothes.
2014: purple and jean capris.



30 Days of Pride: Day 4

Who was your first real-life crush? If you’re comfortable, share what qualities they possessed that attracted you to them.




it was the neighborhood who was 3 years older then me.
i was 4 at the time so, i think it was the fact he was the first guy my age that did anything for me.

June 3, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1335

“Who do you miss the most right now?”

Colt.
2016: no one right now.
huh.
2015: Nicole.
2014: do i need to say his name?




30 Days of Pride: Day 3

Are you out? How did you come out? Was it a positive or negative experience?





i am more or less came out in a blog post. i think i told those near and dear to me before the post, if not shortly after.
my experience has been more or less positive. it’s mostly me explaining what demisexual is and how is it different from “normal” sexuality.

June 2, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1334


“Should you trust your instincts?”
yes.
2016: very so.
2015: hell yes.
2014: yes.



30 Days of Pride: Day 2

How old were you when you first knew you were LGBTQ+?


last year was when i realized that i was demisexual, part of the asexual world, at age 36.
looking back, man it all makes sense. it was never about getting to the sex, it was just having a boyfriend.
but i like my men in dresses and makeup and my women a bit butch, i kinda leery about using the label queer.


June 1, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1333

“On a scale of one to ten, how healthy are you?”

eh.
2016: working on getting lighter again. want to get down to 269 by the time Dr. Strange comes out.
2015: lighter than last year, plan on getting lighter.
2014: fuck you.



30 Days of Pride: Day 1

Share your name, age, and how you identify. Share a picture of yourself that you love.


hi. my name is AmerWitch and i’m 37 and i’m a cis woman demisexual.
this is me and my men. did i mention i’m also polyamorous?



May 31, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1332

“How much cash do you have in your wallet? In your bank account?”


i did find a new banking app for my phone and i think i can stop using my itouch.
2016: looks at my banking app. yep.
2015: none of your damn business.
2014: not saying a word.



May 30, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1331

“What’s the best thing you read today?”


i reread Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman.
2016: didn’t read today.
2015: Kissing the Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle.
2014: i don’t think i did read today.



May 29, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1330

“If you didn’t have any responsibilities for the day, what would you do?”


NOT A DAMN THING, CAN YOU NOT GET THAT THOUGH YOUR THICK SKULL?!?
2016: the same as the last 2 years, not a damn thing.
2015: again, not a damn thing.
2014: not a damn thing.



May 28, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1329

"East Coast or West Coast? In between?"

i’m the OC!
2016: no body rawer then the south side of Linn.
2015: still don’t know what you are talking about.
2014: no clue what you're talking about.



May 27, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1328

"What gives you comfort right now?"


not a damn thing.
2016: nothing right now.
2015: the love i have from my guys.
2014: the fact i sat on the floor crocheting, Matthew on my left, Colt on my right, watching a Joss Whedon movie.



May 26, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1327

“List the things that nagged you today.”


it was the start of a holiday weekend that looks like it’s gonna be long and ugly.
2016: i couldn’t do what i wanted for someone’s birthday so i did the best i could.
2015: nothing, really.
i celebrated today; a Tuesday, a birthday.
2014: my men.




May 25, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1326

“If you could travel anywhere tomorrow, where would you go?”


i want my people to come here, for a change.
2016: i don’t know.
i know Florida will be a destination, soon.
2015: Springfield.
2014: i’m going there, Springfield Mo.




May 24, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1325

“What motivated you today?”

not a damn thing.
2016: not a damn thing.
2015: work.
2014: #thedarkbday



blar


i tried. i did pull out “Adventures of The DarkShark and his Witch” and worked on it some.
and there’s many other things i need to do.
and the sad thing, if i get the one things done, i can do all the things.
and that is scary and excited all at the same time.
this past week i’ve become the old wise woman that everyone comes to to air out their problems and seek out advice.
other than that, there’s not much out there.
so, how the hell do i think i can do a vlog if i can’t write worth a shit?






May 23, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1324

“What’s your hairstyle?”

hair.
2016: hair.
2015: redish.
2014: long.



May 22, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1323

“When was the last time you had an inspiring conversation?”


words were said when i saw Colt for #GotGVol2weekend. it made me see him in a new light.
2016: i don’t recall.
2015: with Nicole, over Facebook, on the Sunday.
2014: last weekend with Nicole.



May 21, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1322

“What’s your salary?”

none of your damn business.
2016: none of your damn business.
2015: none of your damn business.
2014: none of your damn business.



May 20, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1321

“What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for love?”


i have no words for this, this year. i’ll let my men speak for themselves.
2016: i know i posted it was #Avergerpalzooa and this year we had #CivilWarWeekend but overall, it’s the fact i love and am loved that is the craziest thing of all.
2014: really, what has been the craziest thing? giving him all my money? trying to kiss him while he was asleep?
no, real love is what i got now. and it’s every day that is crazy.




May 19, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1320

“What’s the most creative thing you’ve done recently?”


nothing right now.
2016: i am doing another #30daysofselfies and i’m almost getting into painting and i need to get back to my crocheting.
2015: #30daysofselfies.
2014: crocheting.



May 18, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1319

"If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?"


no.
2016: the bumps in the toad of this past year is setting me up for a better time.
2015:
this was a big theme last year, if i can recall correctly.
and, yes there are points where it would be nice to go back and “fix” things so i would be “living better”.
but, would i have had #Avergerpalzooa then?
2014: more on this latter.