December 31, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1182

“What is your most cherished memory of the year?”

taking a pic with Shelby and Ethen and Shelby saying it was squad goals.
i have my own squad and i am part of another one.
ask 16 yr old me. i would never thought i would be this cool to be part of 2 (or more!) squads.
2015: eep. it was my adventures that i loved this year.
no, it was anytime i was out and about with my people that i loved the most.
2014: look under “cuz we’re connected” for this year.
2013: nothing pops out at me. :-(


random bit of something in my head, Google it out, take the first page, and roll with it (
there’s 7 stages of grief. i’m up to lvl 6: reconstruction and working.
who died? Bowie, a year ago.
and yes, it’s been a very long year, filled with so much death.
there is just one small problem. there is no montage of babies, showing the next wave of greatness of artiest, singers, movie makers, actors, who will live on the moon, Mars, walk on the Sun and writer the greatest things of all time. there is only long views of so many heroes going this year.
so, i took 2016 off. i didn’t plan to but it just got to me. it roared it ugly head more so on the night Debbie Reynolds died. i cried and listen to Blackstar.
and then i hear about the death of William Christopher, Father Mulcahy on the show M*A*S*H.
i’ve forgotten my lifeline. i’ve forgotten my motto.

“That's my secret, Captain: I'm always angry.”

so, it’s time to dry my tears, because i know there will be more. it’s time to get up. it’s time to ball my fists. it’s time to get angry and stay angry. it’s time.
i will cry. i will be sad. i will be happy.
i will be angry. i will be angry all 365 days of 2017. i will live my life with anger, in all the colors of it, white, black, red, green, purple, pink.
let’s do this. get angry with me and make 2017 a better year then 2016. we will yell and scream and hold each other and take out any one, or thing, that stands in our way.
That’s my secret Cap. I’m always angry.
Hulk Smash.
Hulk Smash Now.
Hulk Ready to Fight.


hello 2016.
Wal-Mart has the policy of three days off for bereavement.
#TacoTuesday was a hit!
about a year ago i joined (i’m the sexy bitch into weird shit, look me up).
good news and the thoughts of a positive future came crashing down last Monday.
Matthew came up last week and we saw Me Before You.
i’ve been bad.
so much happen in July!
August seems to be the month i can’t get shit together.
here we are, Oktober.
written on the 3rd of November, right before going in the store.
it’s fuzzy to me now, a week later but here are some random highlights.

top movies of 2016
  1. Captain America: Civil War
  2. Dr. Strange
  3. Star Trek Beyond
  4. The Magnificent Seven
  5. Star Wars
  6. Me Before You
  7. Independence Day: Resurgence

December 30, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1181

“List what you’ve eaten for the past week.”

food. the answer will always be food.
2015: food. the answer will always be food.
2014: hey look, same as last year, food!
2013: food.

December 29, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1180

“What are your top three wishes?”

2015: out.
2014: i just want out. can i wish for that 3 times?
  1. pay off credit card
  2. move out
  3. i don’t know. a pony?

December 28, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1179

“Snuggle down or go out and play?”

2015: play, then hardcore snuggle.
very hardcore snuggle.
2014: play, then snuggle, snuggle hardcore.
2013: play, then snuggle, snuggle hardcore.


David Robert Jones! do you hear me under the serious moonlight? were you the one that held this universe together? are you the one that’s starting a new alt- universe and are taking all the cool people? is this the fucking rapture?

December 27, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1178

“What was the last time you felt at peace?”

January 10, 2016. i went to bed that night and all was right with the world.
i woke up Monday morning and Nicole called me to tell me Bowie had died.
and it’s been downhill since.
2015: i don’t know if it was peace or the fact everything felt right.
it was the night before my birthday. i was good and drunk and had out mathed Jacob.
when it was bed time, i was evil and took off my shirt and bra to sleep topless in Jacob's bed (i’m assuming i’m the biggest boobs that bed ever saw).
and right before passing out, i grabbed my phone to txt Colt (who was on the other side of the apartment) good night.
2014: May 27, 2014. read about it here, “Part III: Boyfriend Prime”.
2013: 8/16/2013. read about it here, “daylight”.

December 26, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1177

“On a scale of one to ten, how spontaneous were you today?”

2015: -1.
2014: less then zero.
2013: zero.

December 25, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1176

“Write down five words that describe today.”

just like the others only painful this year.
2015: 3 years in a row: long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.
2014: hey look! same as last year!
long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.
2013: long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.

December 24, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1175

“Write down a recent transition.”

2015: McDonald's.
2014: shit from the store.
2013: i brought lunch for me and Colt.

December 23, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1174

“What’s your favorite cereal?”

frosted flakes.
2015: frosted flakes.
2014: frosted flakes.
2013: frosted flakes.

Nur für einen Tag

last night was a tipping point.
this past week has been stressful, today (and parts of last night) was drama, fucking Christmas is coming towards me like a sick, twisted, train of dearth, and i am not feeling the greatest.
the tipping came as i sat at McD’s. what makes me feel better? music. what song is my go to to feel better? “Heroes” by David Bowie. whose anniversary of their death is coming up, probably sending me into dark/sorrow? Bowie.
i end this post with the song that, somethings, makes me feel better. because, really, Nur für einen Tag.

December 22, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1173

“Did you meet someone new recently? If so, who was it?”

2015: i met Jacob this year!
2014: no.
2013: in the past 3 months i did meet Tom.

December 21, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1172

“If you could be the best at anything, what would it be?”

2015: be a better woman to my men.
2014: i want to be a better amerwitch.
2013: dudes, i’m the best amerwitch there will ever be. no need to wish for anything else.

December 20, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1171

“What is your dream vacation?”

2015: i don’t know if anything will top #Avergerpalzooa.
2014: right now, and i know it will happen: 5th anniversary weekend in Springfield with Matthew, Colt, and Ultron.
2013: Walt Disney World for a week with Mathew.

December 19, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1170

“If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?”

i would be warm and the internet worked in my room.
2015: i work a full day.
2014: to be done with the Yule time crocheting.
2013: Colt’s gift would be done.

December 18, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1169

“What do you like to talk about?”

not a damn thing right now.
2015: everything.
2014: anything and everything.
2013: anything and everything.

December 17, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1168

“If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?”

2015: i need to move. i think it would be best to move closer to work, Rosebudish.
Springfield would be nice but that would not work out long term.
2014: Rosebud.
2013: Rosebud.

December 16, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1167

“What so you find irresistible?”

i love good vodka, gay boys, and the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
2015: well, i like my men a bit gay and seemingly with over attachment to their furchildgren.
2014: boys with cats.
2013: in what? in life, men, women, cars? this vagueness just ain’t cute anymore.

December 15, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1166

“Moderation or excess?”

2015: all the time.
2014: both, at the same time.
2013: both. at the same time.

i hate Mondays

so i’m writing 3 days in a row.
something must be wrong with me.
i have plans to get to Monday and get some work down. i need to buy a box, and spray paint it and other things.
and then one set of gifts will be done.
need to get my ass together for Colt and Jacob.
and i think i know what to make them for next year.
or lest the inspirations for what will work for it.
there is just no rest for me. i keep seeing all these posts about Christmas vacation/break and i don’t get one. i’m still slugging through this life, trying to keep my head above water.
the cold, frozen, water.
i am working, i am getting better. it’s just a slow go but i am making headway.
i have my plans and the slow work of said plans.
i need to get back to making my to do list and get cracking on that.

December 14, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1165

“Why are you impressive?”

show me something to make me impressed. i’m not going to oh and ah over any common tricks.
2015: stand by last year’s answers.
2014: i am and i am not. show me a talent i didn’t think you had, that will impress me.
2013: so don’t understand this question at all.

more inches...

again, pink lacy thing, hotel, fast internet, feeling blah.
i have hopes of magick and crocheting when i get home.
and then try to get some bigger work done on my room next week.
i am making small steps, but it’s steps. one inch, one box.
it’s a slow process but i am doing something. is it getting better? kinda. i don’t feel so down when i get at least an hour in and not the whole day.

December 13, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1164

“What is your biggest regret?”

ah yes. where do i start?
i am going to keep with last year’s answer. i am where i’m suppose to be, for better or worse.
2015: where the road splits, i took the path i took. and then again and again, going further or closer to my first path.
so, what do i regret? do i regret working at Wal-Mart that let me met Colt, and put him on the path to meet Jacob?
do i regret not sticking with my loser ex and missing out on Matthew?
i don’t regret getting here.
2014: i said my whole life last year, but the more i think about it, i’m here for a reason, for better or worse.
i have no regrets.
2013: my whole life.


so, here i am in a pink lacy thing in a hotel with fast internet. i should be living it up and not feeling like blah.
i signed up for Patreon and to start supporting the people i love.
i’m sitting here, looking on what is being made and how much people are making per thing and i’m trying to get my head together on what i can do. i know i got skills, how do i turn that out?
i need to start off doing something, smallish. i need to start with something of a podcast or YouTube videos. if i can get that off, then i can move onto the next wave.
even it i don’t bring in the millions (or hundreds) it can’t hurt to try.
and in other news, i’m watching American Horror Story: Coven and it’s only making me want to witch. i found my cards and i am slowly working on my room and i know i am getting better. not by leaps and bounds but by inches.
inches are all i got and i’ll take what bits i can.

December 12, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1163

“What’s on your wish list?”

i don’t know. i really don’t know what would be the top of it now…
2015: penguin.
a REAL penguin.
2014: store brought dress and a pony.
2013: store brought dress and a pony.

December 11, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1162

“Where do you find joy?”

my crocheting.
2015: nowhere right now.
2014: in the pure and simple.
2013: nowhere right now. nowhere.

December 10, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1161

“What surprised you today?”

being told that hours needed to be cut.
2015: nothing surprised me.
2014: i did not run into trouble at town.
2013: how much happier i am working over in apparel.

December 9, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1160

“What is your most recent act of generosity?”

i’ve been giving out candy canes.
2015: i don’t punch people who piss me off.
2014: i don’t recall.
2013: i don’t recall.

December 8, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1159

“How ambitious do you feel today?”

2015: none.
2014: this is the wrong time of year to ask this question.
2013: none.

December 7, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1158

“Where do you see yourself next year?”

i don’t know anymore.
2015: better off then what is going on now.
2014: in my own place.
2013: no clue or i don’t want to say.

ta da!

yes, i did get up and work a bit on my room. any real great progress? not really. just a small step, just and inch forward but it’s an inch and it’s forward.
but, this was a inch worthwhile.
see, i lost them in May after i went to Springfield. so it’s been a long time with no guidance.
so, ok, i’ll just buy new ones.
the Halloween Deck was run a mill. the Flower Speak deck is fetching $300 on Amazon.
holy shit, i have a $300 tarot deck!
i feel like i can witch again now that my cards are back.

December 6, 2016

5 yr blog,day 1157

“Today you gain___.”

a day off.
2015: stress.
2014: a day off.
2013: weight.


i don’t know if i’m ahead or behind with the Yule gifts. i know i am working on them and am making some head way.
and then there is the question for next year. what to do.
Colt, i don’t know what he wants. i don’t want to go down the path of scarves and hats and afghans. i want art.
and i don’t know if he’s the gay that would like to be covered in dollies.
if it’s not crocheted, then it will be paint. and it will be that art.
and i don’t know how will that will take to everyone.

December 5, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1156

“What do you miss?”

my room.
2015: alone time.
2014: Colt.
2013: right now, my grandmas.

December 4, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1155

“Do you want to know how it ends?”

2015: well, i know how Avengers 2 ends now.
2014: like i said last year, what ends?
2013: what ends? the world? my life? Avengers 2?

December 3, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1154

“On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?”

2015: pretty good.
2014: low.
2013: right now, 7.

December 2, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1153

“What details from today would you like to remember?”

nothing, really.
2015: i didn’t do anything today worth remembering.
2014: Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D..
2013: none.


it’s fuzzy to me now, a week later but here are some random highlights:
  • i was put in charge of 6 fucking queue lines and given no manager for support. is was so much bullshit. did not help that i had family i am feuding with.
  • again, Black Friday was a clusterfuck. i could run it better if they had the balls to give me the power.
  • the stress of the day caused to me to go on break, drink a Mt. Dew, and ended up with 113 heart rate.
  • i did get my art kit.
  • Friday, coworkers called it. one bitch told everyone she was going to call in because she couldn’t afford our 25% discount but her cunty ass was in on Saturday looking over the Black Friday movies.
  • i started craving cocaine on Friday morning.
  • Colt said i am getting old.

December 1, 2016

5 yr blog, day 1152

“What would you like your epitaph to read?”

wife, girlfriend, and loving mother.
2015: wife, girlfriend, and loving mother.
2014: wife and loving mother.
2013: wife and loving mother.