March 31, 2016

5 yr blog, day 907

“What inventions can you not live without?”

all form of technology. the more people i let into my life, the more i need it to keep hold of them.
2015: very much the same as last year.
it’s the number one way i keep in touch with Colt.
2014: copping out and saying EVERYTHING that goes with smartphones.

March 30, 2016

March 29, 2016

5 yr blog, day 905

“Write down a few lines from a song or poem that you identify with today.”

3 songs of been my go to/i had to create a playlist to up me up: “Wake Up” by the Vamps, “Uptown Fuck” by Bruno Mars and “Downtown” by Macklemore.
2015: all the songs on my iTunes have been my friends lately.
2014: "Everyone goes away in the end." line from "Hurt." it's the Johnny Cash version that’s been hitting my bones.

15 years

  • a day ago: working.
  • a week ago: i was off and watching Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D..
  • a month ago: there was a 2/29 due to Leap Year. i looked up the “rules” i made up when i was 23 and see how well they held up.
  • six months ago: i started a Tumblr.
  • a year ago: not much.
  • three years ago: not much was going on.
  • five years ago: i was with Matthew and Nicole finally saw how we worked together. and i started helping Colt.
  • ten years ago: i was in the start of a 5 year relationship with the man who i would first sleep with.
  • fifteen years ago: i started my OD and dear gods was i fucked up little child then.
  • twenty years ago: somewhere trying to get through my first contest in high school.

well, it’s been 15 years since i started an online blog. has anything stayed the same? hell no. what has changed? every fucking things.
i could go on about how much i’ve grown and what are my hopes for the future but that’s all bullshit when you think about it.
i give a shout out to my peeps, in alphabetic order because.

Colt: my dear sweet boy. i am ever so happy to have you and that you have Jacob. i see you changing into the man you were blessed to be.

Jacob: welcome to madhouse, don’t feed the inmates. you have picked up on the heavy lifting that is taking care of our boy and i am grateful for that. you are the best spell i ever casted.

Matthew: Do you even like me?

Nicole: you have been here the longest and though the ugliest. to quote Everclear; “Sometimes I feel like I am/really lucky/I have made it through/Bruised and scarred/And half alive” and i’m glad it’s been with you at my side.

Shelby: i value our friendship and i am sorry if i have offended you in the past weeks. i don’t want to lose you.

March 28, 2016

5 yr blog, day 904

“What do you want to remember about today?”

it’s the boys anniversary tomorrow.
2015: Brett’s birthday is tomorrow.
2014: last lunch with Colt.

March 27, 2016

5 yr blog, day 903

“When was the last time you felt like you were on top of the world?”

not in a long time.
2015: at the strip club with Nicole and Matthew.
2014: no clue, but the last time i felt really alive was when i went to see The Wolverine with Colt.

March 26, 2016

5 yr blog, day 902

“Who do you aspire to be like?”

Miss Piggy.
2015: Miss Piggy is still the woman.
2014: Miss Piggy. 

March 25, 2016

5 yr blog, day 901

“____ made you laugh.”

the fact i’m working 6 days in a row.
2015: nothing.
2014: Colt.

March 24, 2016

5 yr blog, day 900

“What did you daydream about today?”

lots of things.
2015: nothing.
2014: no clue.

March 23, 2016

5 yr blog, day 899

“Are you country or rock ‘n’ roll (or hip-hop, emo, folk, punk…)?”

Bowie. very much Bowie right now.
2015: still everything.
2014: everything. of the night

March 22, 2016

5 yr blog, day 898

“Jot down a news story from today.”

Brussels was attacked.
plane still missing.
2015: Wichita State beat Kansas.
PS: still nothing on the airplane.
2014:Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 is still missing.
future self, whatever happen to it?

March 21, 2016

5 yr blog, day 897

“The first thing you ate today was ___.”

cherry Dr. Pepper.
2015: i really don’t remember.
2014: fuck if i know.
“Gluten free waffles.”

March 20, 2016

5 yr blog, day 896

“What was the last book you read?”

i don’t remember.
2015: Sex From Scratch by Sarah Mirk.
2014: i have no clue. :’(

March 19, 2016

5 yr blog, day 895

“Describe your work ethic.”

try not to get fired.
2015: get shit done.
2014: do what you can, and don’t get in trouble.

March 18, 2016

5 yr blog, day 894

“In three words, describe your spirituality.”

horribly lapsed pagan.
2015: horribly lapsed pagan.
2014: has been pagan

March 17, 2016

5 yr blog, day 893

“What new activity have you tried?”

being better.
2015: going to the strip club. ;-)
2014: nothing lately.

March 16, 2016

5 yr blog, day 892

“What do you want to buy?”

new car.
2015: new car.
2014: new car.

even out of state...

i didn’t write this down last week but i want this down for future references.
last Monday (the 7th) i came home after a long week of work to my glass of wine. i sat down, wine in hand, and i just felt this wave came over me. it was just the wave of goodness. i don’t know how to explain it. it wasn’t like getting drunk or anything. it kinda felt like after i meditate. just this wave of relief and feeling good.
so, i tweet Colt, who was on vacation, about this is the best i felt all week long.
he replied back is it because he and Jacob had sex?
even out of state, #cuzwereconnected.


originally posted on my Facebook

Stands on top of soapbox: Facebook, you want to know what’s on my mind? Let me tell you.
I try very hard not to talk about politics, religion or the Great Pumpkin, but something sent me over the edge to make me rant.
One of you told me you don’t vote; don’t vote at all, not even for the president. I cannot fathom such a leave of stupidity.
I like voting. It was the highlight of me turning 18 was registering to vote. I vote on all levels, from the county commissioners to the president. I even vote for the school board.
I vote because I care. I vote because I want the simple rights that so many have fought and died for me to have. I want to decide whom I worship and what I can do with my own body. I want to decide whom I can marry, not let a government decide that for me.
I do not understand not voting. It’s as if you don’t care about your life and let someone else decide it for you.
I joke about when it comes to voting for a president, chose the lesser of two evils. This year is proving there is an evil, a big bad that I do not know how they will be destroyed. With every week and every primary, I fear. I fear for the evil that may come up to power.
With all the dystopia books and movies out there, how do you think that future started? Do you think it just happen overnight and boom, Hunger Games?
It’s due to not caring and not voting.
Don’t ruin my future by not voting. At least have the balls/ovaries to ruin it by voting.

March 15, 2016

5 yr blog, day 891

“What do you not want to talk about?”

2015: money.
2014: everything.

the dream that did not make it to Facebook

so i had this dream the other day that i didn’t share on Facebook but i will share now!
i was in a relationship with an internet reviewer, Kyle.
and what was really interesting in this dream is that i told him he would be boyfriend 3, after Matthew and Colt. in the dream, i was poly.
i think this was the first dream i was with someone and still remember my other 2 boyfriend.
my men are haunting my sleep now.

March 14, 2016

5 yr blog, day 890

“What is true?”

this is one of the stupider questions in this book.
2015: this is like “what color is the dress”. fuck off.
2014: fuck you. give me two lines to write this shit out? this is something that takes books and lifetimes to sort out. no.

March 13, 2016

5 yr blog, day 889

“If you could add one hour to your day, what would you do with it?”

how funny. i lost an hour this weekend.
i want an hour a sleep back.
2015: one more hour with Nicole.
2014: sleeping.

March 12, 2016

5 yr blog, day 888

“Where do you live?”

i’m homeless. there is a place where my mails comes and i sleep there but it’s not a home to me anymore.
2015: still here.
2014: home.

March 11, 2016

5 yr blog, day 887

“What was something you wanted today, but couldn’t have?”

time and money.

2015: time and money.
2014: million dollars.

March 10, 2016

5 yr blog, day 886

“What was the last movie you rented?”

Inside Out.
2015: Sylvia.
2014: The Astronaut's Wife.

March 9, 2016

5 yr blog, day 885

“A person you wanted to ignore today ___.”

my father.
2015: my mother.
2014: everyone.


i wrote 3ish times yesterday and i’m back for more.
it rained yesterday. i’m glad that i was off and had my laptop in the living room. i don’t know how the water leaked from my roof but it was all over where i keep my laptop. it would have been ruined if i wasn’t home.
i know my roof leaks. i don’t know how the water got to the laptop spot.
last year, i was so gun ho with walking and things. now… i don’t care. i do, but i can’t will myself to do anything.
i wish i had saved that Tumblr post that said a messy room was a sign of depression. if that was the case, my room is a suicide attempt.
all i’m finding is excuses for me not being adult enough to do shit, get things done.
there is this theory i keep seeing that should apply to me. it’s all about weight lost. like, “once i lose the weight, i can do this!”
and that should apply to me. my fat ass should be in a state of not doing anything due to me being fat.
it’s not. it’s my room.

March 8, 2016

5 yr blog, day 884

“What’s the last song you listen to?”

no clue. i put my iTunes on shuffle at night and then pass out.
2015: something off my itouch last night.
2014: i don’t recall 


there’s a word that keeps being thrown around me a lot lately, Florida.
and i need to ask for some forgiveness from my audience. this blog has only been up for 6ish years now. there’s some 30 odd years of my life not posted here, and Florida is part of that 30 odd years.
i grew up poor. always had food, water, heat, shoes but things that my classmates had i didn’t: going to the movies, fancy clothes, trips.
i grew up with the idea that there were somethings i would never do: one of them was Disney World. i just assumed that was never going to happen.
and then i joined band in 6th grade. and was told that the high school band goes on band trips, the big one being Florida.
and i assumed that i would never be able to go on such a trip. it would cost too much money, not going to happen.
i was wrong. i was so wrong.
it was my sophomore year of high school was the ONLY YEAR I DID NOT GO TO FLORIDA. i went twice with my high school band, once with the Missouri Lions Band.
and then i went as a chaperone on the band trip when i was 21.
so, me and Florida have a lot of history.
when my mom came to pick me up after the first trip, she knew i was a changed child. i don’t know what changed, but she said i did.
it was so strange the first time i went, all the pine trees, the ocean is salty, just the air feels weird.
when i got back home, to my house, i hugged a tree i was so happy to see a real tree.
Florida is a mythical land to me. i haven’t been there in 14 years. i am beyond that person who went there.
i still have things from that state, rules i made for myself on how to be when i was in that state. rules that are 14 years old and rules that i still would follow.
so, when it was brought to my attention i might have to back to that state, it brought back WAVES of feels to me. feels that i don’t think i have sorted out.
the one glaring thing facing me if i should return, how do i handle going back if i don’t march in the Disney World parade? how do i do this without marching shoes and donning the red and black?


well, entry 1501. i wasn’t going to make a big deal about it but, what the hell.
i know most of my blog has been taken over by the 5 yr blog tag. it’s been helpful to see what has change and what hasn't change with that tag.
i am so not the same person i was when i started this blog.
and we won’t go down that path of when i started keeping a journal, some 15 years ago.
that’s a post for another day.
here’s to 1501 more. may my life be moved me to a better place or die trying.

March 7, 2016

5 yr blog, day 883

“It’s not a good idea to experiment with___.”

hmm. i don’t know this year. i like what i’ve said in year’s past, just thought something new would have happen this year.
2015: people’s emotions.
2014: the truth.

March 6, 2016

5 yr blog, day 882

“Who is your nemesis?”

the world?
2015: right now, myself. need to work on that.
2014: The Joker.

March 5, 2016

March 4, 2016

5 yr blog, day 880

“What would you like to ask your mother?”

2015: don’t want to talk to her right now.
2014: why haven’t you killed Dad yet?

March 3, 2016

5 yr blog, day 879

“Did you sleep alone last night?”

2015: yes.
2014: yes.

get going

last year i was up and at them. i was walking on my days. i was making progress.
this year, i can’t seem to get going. i’m tried and there’s no time for it.
and my room is beyond mess. i wish i had save the Tumblr post that showed mess as a sign of depression because my room looks like i should be on suicide watch.
Colt sent me Lego Marvel's Avengers and i got Matthew’s Xbox on VD day, and i’ve still having played it. i haven’t taken the time to clear a path to my TV to set up the Xbox to play it.
i am crocheting. horribly behind that but i am crocheting. i can’t find my bag or book so i’m lacking that but i’m putting rounds down!
i just need to get going. i can’t keep blaming the death of David Bowie as my set back. it’s been almost 2 months, i need to get going.

March 2, 2016

5 yr blog, day 878

“Salty or sweet?”

yes, Tom Hiddleston.
2015: i still stand by my 2014 statement: Tom Hiddleston.
2014: Tom Hiddleston.


#TacoTuesday was a hit!
made it to Shelby’s. fun times was had by all!
Brent was an ass and left before the party even got going.
me and Shelby watched The Muppets and it was great and please gods let them come back next year.
and then Agent Carter and it was great and please gods let her come back.
and i had wine. it was great and i think i’m hooked on it. go me!
Ethan came over after work and he had some of my tacos. ;-)
and then we watched Crimson Peak. i kept falling asleep and due to it being like 2 in the morning. i kicked them off the couch and passed out.
and one point i know i stated the fact that i would take my pants off. i don’t know why.
Ethan is so delicate that if i unleased my powers he would be die in a heartbeat.
my gods, do i behave so much around him!
i went to sleep, the love birds stayed up till about 4:30.
and #TacoTuesday bleed into taco Windsday.
Shelby went to work, i went home.
the end.

March 1, 2016

5 yr blog, day 877

“How could today been better?”

nothing could have better.
if only i had more of my people at Shelby’s house.
2015: warmer, car not be in a ditch, father dead.
2014: it could have been warmer.