February 29, 2016

look





i looked my blog, what was going on during Leap Year’s going back as far as 2004.
so let’s look at young 23 yr. old amerwitch’s tenets to live by and see how well they hold up.
  • don’t read dating books. they will only make you feel like you are doing everything wrong. eh? Nicole gave me the book Sex From Scratch: Making Your Own Relationship Rules by Sarah Mirk. it’s not dating but it’s about relationships and should be read.
  • read feminist books. they will empower you. yes.
  • research before you get a pet. they don’t tell you that the cute toads are poisonous when you buy them. still very true.
  • don’t trust male bass players. they will fuck with your mind. fuck yes. more and more.
  • boys are cute. boys in makeup are cuter. men in makeup is even better.
  • just because you are white does not mean you can not be ghetto. very true.
  • don’t date who you meet at work. well, that’s how i got Colt. it’s a half and half.
  • there are no virgins working at Taco Bell. there’s no Taco Bell, it’s a beer cooler now.
  • what goes on under blue tarps is fun. i’m moved onto hotel rooms.
  • David Bowie is a god. Bowie passed away this year so this is more true than ever.
  • just because it’s a vampire movie doesn’t mean there will be biting. i don’t remember what movie this was referring to but with the invent of sparkly vampires, dear gods we have gone downhill.
  • there are some Muppets movies that get better as you age. and they make better ones and they are on the TV. Muppets forever!
  • meeting someone who is the same song but in a different key can make your life brighter. i’ve forgotten about this theory. it works with me and Colt. it stays.
  • BOYS ARE ICKY!!! and girls lie and this will always be true.

February 28, 2016

5 yr blog, day 876

“When was the last time you were sick?”


still don’t remember the last time i had to call in sick.
2015: still haven’t been sick that i had to call off work. 2 years of sick free!
2014: i really don’t remember.


February 27, 2016

5 yr blog, day 875

“Are you the original or the remix? Why?”


see 2014.
2015: i stand by what i said last year.
2014: motherfuckers, i am the original. no questions and no answers to your “Why?”.


February 26, 2016

5 yr blog, day 874

“Name one item you can’t throw away.”


i didn’t throw it away but i am getting rid of crap.
2015: friends: Nicole, Matthew, Colt, Shelby.
2014: everything.


February 25, 2016

5 yr blog, day 873

“What’s the last dream you remember?”




i don’t recall anything right now.
2015: i vaguely recall a dream with Robert Downey Jr in Avengers 2.
2014: i have no clue where this dream came from but this is what i remember (and really, it’s more like a hazy memory of this dream then of a dream):
it was Will Wheaton and Jerry O'Connell talking about being in the movie Stand by Me.
i can understand Will Wheaton being in my dreams but all this, i have no fucking clue.




February 24, 2016

5 yr blog, day 872

“Today you’ve got too much ___.”

time on my hands.
2015: wake time.
2014: Colt.


hello



hello. my name is amerwitch and i am a butch, asexual cis woman in a polyamorous relationship with two queer cis men.
let’s break that down.
A-butch: butch is defined as being more masculine. this past winter i started wearing white beaters under my (mens) work shirts. it kept me warm but it also made me feel powerful and sexy in a way. the more i dressed (at work) masculine, butch, the better i felt about who i am.
and this has been a long way coming. i used to wear Chucks, jeans, and mens graphic tees during collage, deeming it "lesbian chic". it’s became my go to outfit: mens tees with jeans.
the only womens clothes i wear are jeans and undergarments because i have a feminine figure. other than that, its mens shirts, socks, and shoes.
i don’t know if the fact i’m 6 foot tall and 270ish pounds play into it or not.
but what sealed the deal for me really accepting me being butch was Fetlife.com. they have the option of listing your gender as butch. and i changed mine to butch and here i am.
B-asexual: asexual means a person with no sexual feeling. it’s also an umbrella term and i fall more into demisexual.
demisexual means i develop sexual attraction for a person only after developing deep bond to them. i can’t just drop my pants and hop into bed with anyone.
this, this has been an awakening. i thought i was just this prude. even with my celebrity crushes, it was more i wanted dinner and pick their mind then jump into bed with them.
i started watching Sex in the City and Grey's Anatomy because it fascinated me these women could just have sex with whatever random man they found. i couldn't fathom being like that.
and finding out that i’m demisexual, there’s nothing wrong with me. this is who i am and this is the label i can place on myself.
C-cis woman: the woman part shouldn’t need to be explained. the cis part, some might not understand.
cis means i’m not a transsexual. coming to terms with being butch, the thought crossed my mind i might be trans. but, just thinking “why don’t i say out loud, ‘i’m a man.’” the words that come out of my mouth are “no, i’m a woman.”
D- polyamorous relationship: this might get hazy.
polyamorous means having a romantic/sexual relationship with more than one partner, at the same time.
for me it means i’m in love with two men, i have two boyfriends. both men know about the other, both understand this.
and we might as well address the fact they are queer. one identifies as gay, one identifies as heteroflexible. and i am the only woman in their life.
what took me so long to realize i’m poly was the fact that well, one’s gay and i do not have sex with him. it was when he moved away that all the feelings came out of me and visiting one summer, on a whimish, it really hit me after. i do love him, like i love my “real” boyfriend.
i still feel like a fake poly because i’m not sleeping with both of them, that one is gay and he has a boyfriend (my metamour) and it takes the idea of my trio into a quad and then it gets weird.
but i love the fact i have theses three men in my life and i’m their woman. at the same time, it feel like i’m not a real poly but again, these are the best words i can find to describe what i have.
so there it is. i’m just your typical butch, asexual cis woman in a polyamorous relationship with two queer cis men.
we’re a dime a dozen.

to serve me to sing, for my music, my music





a friend posted on Facebook “Ever found a song that catches you by surprise and brings everything to a stop and the lyrics speak to you on another level?”
yes, gods yes.
there was a time from the age of 16½ to 24½ that i didn’t have a religion. i gave up on being a Roman Catholic and didn’t take up the pagan path. music filled in the spot of a religion, during those years.
and, in a way i went hardcore. i went to college and became a music ed major. i studied music in-depth. songs went on past words into melodies and chord progressions.
so, music speaks to me. it speaks on me on lvls that still that hits me in my soul. yes, a good song on the radio should hit you in the feels but to me, it’s hits me on a spiritual lvl.
i could go one about what songs, what albums, have meant to me and when they have stop meaning anything to me. i’ve moved on to an itouch and making playlist to fit moods. even with having an itouch for 5 years, my taste have changed.
or the songs have lost their meanings because i’m not at that place right now.
there was a point, a few years ago, that i thought i would never like anything new. i thought i had gotten to “old” and shun the pop tunes out there.
but, having a boyfriend 10 years my junior, i’m finding new music. and it has meaning to him and i’m finding meaning in it to me.
who has shaped me to get where i am now? Meat Loaf, Everclear, and The Phantom of the Opera got me though those 8 years of no gods and no prayers.
who are shaping me now? with the death of David Bowie, he’s been in my ears almost nonstop.
i’m still out there, looking and listening, finding new songs.
what to read more about music? try the tag of the night.

February 23, 2016

5 yr blog, day 871

“What’s the most embarrassing purchase on a recent credit card statement?”

there is none.
2015: there is none.
2014: there is none.


February 22, 2016

5 yr blog, day 870

“What was your prevailing emotion of the day?”




i am done and want to go home.
2015: i don’t know if i can make it with this new work schedule of 3 AM to noon without Colt here.
2014: i was a cunt to my friend, for no damn reason then my own stupidity.


February 21, 2016

5 yr blog, day 869

“What is the current buzzword?”


nothing right now.
2015: nothing that i know of.
2014: Loki Pizza.


February 20, 2016

5 yr blog, day 868

“What word did you overuse today?”




i don’t think i overused any words.
2015: i cussed a lot today. mostly saying “son of a cracker!”
2014: i don’t think i overused a word today.


February 19, 2016

5 yr blog, day 867

“Who is the craziest person in your life?”


when Paris was burning, Jacob took a trip to Florida. i worried about him flying.
Colt locked himself out of their apartment, on the balcony, without a shirt, for 2 hours, in winter. he found a scarf and climbed off the baloney.
he will always the Krazy in my life.
2015: still my Krazy. it’s his nickname, he will be always be my one crazy friend.
it’s his doom.
2014: Krazy.





February 18, 2016

5 yr blog, day 866

“What’s the most expensive thing you’re wearing now?”

my skin?
2015: my skin?
2014: my pj’s.


update



as long as i can remember, i’ve told myself bedtime stories to help me sleep. i’m still doing this, over 30 years later.
the other night, it was "Adventures of The DarkShark & his Witch". instead of sleeping (it was past 1 AM and i had to get up around 6ish) i grab my laptop, started crying and writing.
i was crying mostly due to the research of me looking up old blog entries about when Colt left me to move to Springfield.
i need/want to send Jacob to theses links to prep him for the story. i send them to Colt but i assumed that everything gets shared with Jacob.
in brighter news, i did get a walk in, and my 102 sit-ups. tried doing push-ups, that might take a while to get that up to speed.
i got 10 weeks to get cute before i see Colt and Jacob. must get this done.
i must get off my ass and get work done. i’ve upped my St. John’s Wort in an attempt to boost me out of this slump.
i hate to think it’s the #cuzwereconnected that’s fucking with me and Colt. if it is, i need to work on my end. i hope he is working on his.

February 17, 2016

5 yr blog, day 865

“If you could changes something about today, what would it be?”


not to go to work.
2015: not go to work.
2014: not go to work.


February 16, 2016

5 yr blog, day 864

“What was the last performance or concert you went to?”


i saw Phantom last March with Nicole and Matthew.
2015: July 30, 2010 to see Charlie Daniels.
2014: July 30, 2010 to see Charlie Daniels.


it's Valentine's day



and how was my VD day?
it started off sorta early with a gift from the boys: Lego Marvel’s Avengers for Xbox. that brought up the small problem of them spending too much money on my and the fact i don’t have an Xbox.
i’m borrowing Matthew’s.
there’s a upside of being polyamorous.
and then it was to SNOW and on VD day and may have cancel our plans. but the roads were cleared and away we go!
the room was nice, Matthew gave me the rest of my comic books, and my own copy of Civil War. he got a bunch of clothes.
we went to Colton’s and there was no wait. it was the scariest thing ever.
food was good, waiter was cute but too young to take home (he wasn’t 21) and back to the hotel for fun.
the next day we had Taco Bell, Matthew got new shoes, to the comic book store so i could buy Matthew bags and boards, and then we went our separate ways.
it was fun. i heard today that Colt and Jacob got their fun filled gift today. i hope next Sunday they can cuddle and watch the movies together.

February 15, 2016

5 yr blog, day 863

“Write down the cure for a broken heart.”


me and Nicole had talks back in November about soul mates and even 10 years after the fact he broke up with me, it still hurts. i have my men and it still hurts when i mention his name and he could have been a soul mate.
so, time don’t work. i don’t think anything works.
2015: i don’t think there is one. time, maybe.
2014: vodka.



failing



so, here i am in a hotel room, late at night, with high speed Wi-Fi, and a pass out boyfriend in the bed.
and i feel the need to write.
i woke up/dreamed/wrote it in my head the latest “Adventure of The DarkShark and his Witch” this morning. it was stalling but i need to go full force on it. whenever i hit a writer’s block on theses pieces is because i don’t write from the heart and be damned who gets hurts.
oh it’s gonna be tears when i write it and i don’t know if i want to hear from my audience when i put it out there.
i need to get it out. it’s fears that i need to deal with, fears i have and i hope for other’s deal with their fears too.
maybe this week i’ll bang those words out.
most important, i need to move an inch. i am horribly failing at moving. i’m upping my St. John’s Wort in hopes that kicks me a bit. we’ll see what happens with that.
i did get yarn, to start crocheting. i’m bypassing some projects and working on other’s. i need to dig down to work on Colt’s and Jacob’s gifts and there’s Nicole’s thing and kinda need to work on Shelby’s and i’m just a failing at life and i’m going to stop and go to bed before i get myself into a fit of depression.

February 14, 2016

5 yr blog, day 862

“Did you kiss someone today?”

yes, Matthew.
2015: yes, Matthew.
2014: yes, Matthew.


February 13, 2016

5 yr blog, day 861

“What’s your favorite question to ask people?”


i don’t talk to others if i can help it.
2015: i still don’t want to talk to people. or ask them questions.
2014: i rather not talk to people.


February 12, 2016

5 yr blog, day 860

“What is your biggest obstacle right now?”

it’s still myself.
2015: still myself.
2014: myself.


February 11, 2016

5 yr blog, day 859

“How did you get to work today?”

third year in a row i didn’t have to work on this day.
2015: I DIDN’T WORK TODAY, IT WAS MY DAY OFF!!!
2014: I DIDN’T WORK TODAY, IT WAS MY DAY OFF!!!


no where




i had an idea to write last night, and post it on Tumblr but i lost it all by the time i got to my bed.
i still need to write a letter to my 16 yr old younger self.
should write to Colt and/or Nicole.
speaking of my favorite subjects, my dear Colt had issues earlier this week. i can only assumed that with #cuzwereconnected he got my period pains this month.
thank you Colt for that.
but his issues brought to me that i need to work on my issues. i keep sleeping and lack doing anything to move me forward. i took January off and thought i would hit stuff in February and we’re at midpoint and i haven’t done anything.
i have so many things to make and do and it all goes down the drain.
and, i’m getting the new SIMS game on my laptop and a Xbox.
this just spells disaster.
i’m not trying. i’m taking care of the smaller things, like money, but the bigger things, i’m not moving forward with it.
and the Facebook talk i had with Jessica, i don’t know if the path i wanted to go down will work or not now.
need to ask Colt some questions. maybe next week.
i am looking forward to VD day with Matthew: hotel room with fast internet and a big bed, it all should be fun.
i need to move an inch…

February 10, 2016

5 yr blog, day 858

“If this day was an animal, which animal would it be?”

dead.
2015: sloth.
2014: at times, a headless chicken.


magick afoot




last week i got to something that i have done in forever.
i celebrated a Sabbath with food and fun.
i roll over to Shelby’s. she got Card Against Humanity and we sit to play, first time ever for me.
oh dear gods this game.
anyway, she found a recipe for fairy wine and i tried Baileys for the first time and fun just galore!
i made hamburgers and The Muppets came on and it’s meta how they are “fixing” the show and OH MY GODS THEY HAVE A PENGUIN WHO DRINKS MARTINIS NOW ON THE SHOW!!!
and then there was Agent Carter.
and then later Ethan came over, and we played CAH again and stayed up until 3 and that’s when i crapped out but Ethan and Shelby kept at it…
we are so doing this once a month. next month i’m bringing Imitation Chicken Enchiladas and i’m looking for a desert to go along with it.
i really need to move out.
but it was fun. fun without my men, which is odd. but Shelby was there, and she’s kinda like my men.

February 9, 2016

5 yr blog, day 857

“How late did you sleep?”


i keep sleeping in too much. i need to get up when my alarm goes off.
2015: work up a min before my alarm.
2014: i woke up early to go grocery shopping with Mom.


February 8, 2016

5 yr blog, day 856

“Are you in love?”

i’m just gonna laugh this off.
2015: too much.
2014: yes.


Dance Magick Dance





Wal-Mart has the policy of three days off for bereavement. This was brought to my attention less than a week after the death of David Bowie. As, I should be over his death a week later.
I knew about David Bowie as long as I knew my Grandma Rhoades. She died in 1997 and I’m still not over her death.
So a week later, I was not over David Bowie’s death.
Every death since 1997 has been the reliving the pain of losing my Grandma Rhoades. And having losing all three of my grandmas now, death hurts me deep.
David Bowie’s death is not that pain. I have a very good friend that moved away from me. The pain I felt when he was gone, I didn’t think I was going to make it after he was gone. That’s how I feel about Bowie. I don’t know if I can make it when him gone.
Bowie was gearing up to release a new album. After watching the video for the song “Blackstar” I thought Bowie was going to start a new religion. He turned 69 and released his new album, Blackstar, on January 8th. I was excited for the album to come out and could not wait to buy it.
Three days after his birthday and the release of his newest music, Nicole woke me up with the news.
Nicole told me the story of having dreams when she was little girl of a man. She kept having theses dreams, off and on. One day, her mom found a movie for her to watch. It was Labyrinth and there was the man of her dreams: Jareth, the Goblin King, David Bowie.
Nicole was my gateway to the world of David Bowie. I didn’t start off as a fan but I learned to love his music.
I studied Bowie’s music, the lyrics, the melody, the chords. I purchased an anthology of Bowie sheet music and arranged it for French horn for Nicole. The highlight of the book was the photos of Bowie throughout the decades.
My classmate saw the book and asked who was the man in the picture. Bowie, I replied. He asked few minutes later on a different picture. It’s still Bowie, I said. He was amazed it was the same man.
Bowie is ice cream: everyone loves ice cream; you just need to find your flavor: Ziggy Stardust, Aladdin Sane, Thin White Duke, Jareth, Button Eyes.
So on that Monday, I got out of bed, got dressed and went to work. If ever a day I wanted a drink before work, it was that day.
I spent the day will the feeling of lost, pure lost. The thoughts in my head were what hasn’t Bowie touch? Would my 17 year old coworker be wearing glitter eyeshadow if it wasn’t for Bowie?
Right now, we are in the middle of season two of Agent Carter which is hold me over until the rest of season three of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.. But in March is season 2 of Daredevil. After that, it’s may with Captain America: Civil War and then the wait still November for Doctor Strange. But hey, maybe Luke Cage or season two of Jessica Jones will be up. Or I can watch the other 12 Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. Or share a storm of memes or haunt Tumblr post about the MCU.
And all of this can be traced back 8 years ago to a little movie called Iron Man. That movie was the start of the sprawl we have today, the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
David Bowie is like Iron Man. Eight years later and I am living in a Marvel filled world. “Space Oddity” came out in 1969. There is nothing in this world that cannot be traced back to Bowie.
I put myself under pressure to write this post. I went down to the underground, where time may change me. But I put on my red shoes and time took another cigarette as they pulled you out of the oxygen tent. I’m afraid of Americans (it took him minutes, took me nowhere) and slow burns but everyone says hi but you can be mean and I’ll drink all the time.
Hot tramp, I love you so.
Requiescat in pace, David Jones.


February 7, 2016

5 yr blog, day 855

“What are three things you have to buy?”



didn’t need to buy anything today. did get some things while grocery shopping.
2015: i got food today.
2014: for tomorrow:
  1. gas
  2. lunch
and really what all i have planned to buy tomorrow.



February 6, 2016

5 yr blog, day 854

“Are you seeking contentment or excitement?”


i’m seeking a better life then the shit i have now.
2015: i’m seeking the powers to overcome what is in my way of becoming a better person.
2014: i want to feel alive.


February 5, 2016

5 yr blog, day 853

“What are you obsessively listening to?”


everything on my laptop is speaking to me.
2015: just all the music on my itouch. nothing is really grabbing at me, at the moment.
2014: Macklemore.


February 4, 2016

February 3, 2016

5 yr blog, day 851

“On a scale of one to ten, how sad are you? Why?”


eh.
2015: i’m going with 5. not really happy, not really sad.
just middle.
2014: 5, Colt didn’t get his job.
4, if i really think about all the Krazyness.
(i should say the lower the number, the sadder i am.)





February 2, 2016

February 1, 2016

5 yr blog, day 849

“What is your resolution for tomorrow?”


have fun at Shelby’s.
2015: get shit done at work.
2014: relax and enjoy.