September 30, 2015

5 yr blog, day 725

“How do you get out of a rut?”

by an inch.
an inch moving forward.
2014: still trying to sort that out.

September 29, 2015

5 yr blog, day 724

“Bad news: sugarcoated or straight-up?”

straight-up. never sugarcoat that.
2014: straight-up. never sugarcoat that.

September 28, 2015

5 yr blog, day 723

“How hungry are you right now?”

not at all.
2014: not at all.

September 27, 2015

5 yr blog, day 722

“Do you handle rejection well?”

i still don’t handle acceptance well.
2014: i don’t handle acceptance well.

September 26, 2015

5 yr blog, day 721

“Today was amusing because___.”

Ellie wanted to hang with me and not her mom.
2014: i worked 9 to 5 and everyone burst into Dolly Parton when i told them that.

September 25, 2015

5 yr blog, day 720

“Do you plan, or are you flying by the seat of your pants?”

2014: both.

September 24, 2015

5 yr blog, day 719

“When was the last time you went dancing?”

my brother’s wedding, 11/8/2014
2014: i don’t remember.

good day in hell

today was a good day.
Jessica didn’t think we got as far as we should have.
this was the first day of work that i can remember that didn’t feel like i failed. i got though my list and zoned and felt almost human at the end of the day. 
maybe because i went in at 8:30 AM and not the 10-7 i’ve been working.
and that’s what i got for the rest of the week, 10-7.

September 23, 2015

5 yr blog, day 718

“Write down a quote for today.”

well the Quote of the Day from Penguin Ministry is from Lord Byron: “I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.”
2014: “Happy Marvel Mabon! Blessed be, motherfuckers.”


so i started a Tumblr,, for reasons.
i don’t think it will be a repost of what i write here. i think i will post new content there.


so i went on my own mini adventure yesterday.
got my oil changed. loaded up on my tea, THEY HAD THE PUMPKIN BEER, and $13 bottle of Stoli.
i’m winning!
went to Hobby Lobby for projects. they didn’t have my glow in the dark floss so i went with something shiny to work on a frog.
then i went off to find things for Colt.
*********** are better at my store. i did pick up some bits, and then i found the coolest thing ever, a ***** *****.
this gift is gonna be so cool.
and i’m so glad i got these things before i went to Taco Bell. i txt Jacob and Colt to see if they are alive. i get txts back from Colt’s phone that makes me think it’s been stolen.
no word from him or Jacob from all forms, Tweets, Facebook, no word from them.
it was all a joke from Colt. he even left a voicemail for his mother saying they got t-bone.
i love my boys but, i’m 10 years older than them. i remember the news, gays getting maimed and killed. my mind went to a dark place until the ass txt me back.
i swear i’m gonna punch him the next time i see him.
and then hug and kiss him.
there’s a line from the Pink song “True Love”: “You’re an asshole, but I love you.”
that is me and Colt in a nutshell.
anyhoo, the boys are still in Colorado, buying me endless gifts.
none are herbal.

September 22, 2015

5 yr blog, day 717

"What shocking news have you recently learned?"

another coworker is pregnant.
2014: nacho bar at my brother’s wedding.

September 21, 2015

5 yr blog, day 716

“Where do you think your road is going?”

soon, south, to a Field of Spring.
2014: nowhere fast.

September 20, 2015

5 yr blog, day 715

“What’s your favorite television show?”

all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
right now, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..
hope to add The Muppets to this list next year.
2014: all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
right now, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

September 19, 2015

5 yr blog, day 714

“What’s a new place you’ve recently been to?”

nowhere. i really haven’t branch out in a while.

September 18, 2015

5 yr blog, day 713

“A decision you made today ___.”

i don’t know.
2014: not to do all the shoe freight.

September 17, 2015

5 yr blog, day 712

“What’s your favorite snack food?”

i don’t know.

September 16, 2015

5 yr blog, day 711

“What would you want to study at school?”

2014: witchcraft.


i go from not writing to writing maybe when all the time. i don’t know what is up.
for odd reasons, i really don’t know the story of Jacob. i’m unclear on how this soul came into my life. that is mostly due to Colt being an ass about it. maybe when i’m older he will tell me.
or i can beat it out of him.
i still think i can take him.
the story of Matthew is pretty simple. Nicole told me about this snappy dresser who played the trumpet divinely. i had to meet hm.
and i did when he was 16 and i was 22.
and things floated from there. met up with him again when him and Nicole were in collage and i gave him my number.
and we are living happily ever after and all that shit.
but there is a mystery to my High Octane Arm darling. and with trust issues flaring up due to Assbutt, i may never know.
funny thing about Assbutt, i don’t call him Krazy anymore. i had to dig deep to think the last time i called him that.
and looking at my journals, 2013 was the year of Krazy.
he’s/we’ve changed. that’s kinda scary to think about right now.
also scary, i posted a semi-nude pic up on FetLife.
and i’m really temped to send it to Colt. he did flash me a pic of his dick, or so he said it was his dick.
maybe the cooler weather and Mabon coming up is getting me to a better spot.
or the fact i saw my boys Sunday.
tomorrow is my Monday, and my period is gonna start next week. i cannot let the goodness i got now be crashed on. i got to keep swimming and rise to the top.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter comes out this Friday.
i can do this.
in Hulk we pray.
in Joss we trust.

i need to shower

ah, post hotel night blogging, the finest.
i so need a shower.
my date night with Matthew was fun. he did homework, i played on the internet, the Cardinals won. a good time was had by all.
and i have vodka for my #slumberorgy. i’m hoping for a very good time then.
it’s just the pic i emailed Fetlife has not posted yet. hmm.
yeah, #slumberorgy. i want new pjs but they are all bottoms only. i need to find a top to go with them because i don’t think Colt and Jacob are ready for me to be topless.
and they are getting ready to go on their own wild adventure. i’ll be worrying and praying till they get back.
i should take my shower and get ready to roll. need to hit the comic book store today for things for projects about Colt’s birthday gift (only got 8 months to get it done and i’m still miffed i didn’t get a bigger emotion from him when i gave him the Iron Man doll, that doll nearly took my soul while i was making it).

September 15, 2015

5 yr blog, day 710

“Who are the most important people in your life?”

i’m putting peeps in alphabetical order:  Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.
2014: Colt, Matthew, Nicole.

September 14, 2015

5 yr blog, day 709

“Who can you help?”

better yet, who am i helping now?
2014: who wants my help?

twice in one day

yeah, there will be three post today.
morning pages are still a work in progress. this morning was a better version of this early morning post. i might type that up and send it to Colt.
i need to get back to crocheting. things are not going to make themselves.
tomorrow i’m seeing Matthew. i’m hoping with the hotel and fast internet and good vodka for a fun night.
also long he don’t make me watch something stupid.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter will be out this Friday. i’m hoping for a good time with them.
the boys are going off to Colorado (and i think they won’t be brings anything herbal for me, bastards) and my mind goes to worry mode about them.
what hit me hard is that there is still the idea of something happening to them because they’re gay. people go on on how gays rights don’t mean anything to them since they are all straight. that’s not me. it affects my circle, it affects my boyfriends. same-sex marriage was made legal and my choices for a partner doubled.
i grew up too much in the ‘80’s where AIDS was a death sentence.
my mind goes to dark places.
and i really do think i’m a gay man in this female body.
i really need to write out some personal post.

Costumer needs help in sportin’ goods!

how should i write this? all poetic and in symbols? all facts and no feels? a little bit of both?

there are 3 things that would send me over the edge and break up with Colt. he keeps toying with one.
after some inane tweets, Colt was coming up here for a bit. i feel hurt when he plays with me and not tells me straight.
i get to work and try to get on task of binning and picking. i’m deep in the bins when this high, fruity voice comes from “behind the mirrors” calling:
“Costumer needs help in sportin’ goods! Costumer needs help in sportin’ goods!”

my first thought was just to fall to my knees and cry. it felt like this huge weight was lift for my shoulder and things will be ok for a few moments.
i gather myself and put on face to go see my Krazy, my DarkShark, my Colt.
i wanted to hug him and never let go. he is just my size.
and hugging Jacob, the boy is small but he has arms. real arms, arms like an Avenger.
we talked. others came by but we talked still.
things were said. the four page letter i plan on sending them was a simple story to Jacob, as i gave him his first taste of Marvel money (he liked the picture on the gift card).
more things said, marriage and babies, and many hugs i had to let them go.
and unlike the other time, when i simply saw them go on their way and my mind thought “MINE!” i went to the back to the bins and cried.
i’ve been working on a new story in “Adventures of The DarkShark and his Witch”. i’m digging deep for this one. i’m to the point where i don’t know who i am in the story anymore, the witch or the DarkShark.
i pray in a few weeks i can go to Springfield and see my boys, and their new place. i need time away from this life and into a happier one.

September 13, 2015

5 yr blog, day 708

“Write down a minor, but chronic, problem.”

yeah, how are chronic problems minor?
2014: if it’s chronic, then it’s not a minor problem.

September 12, 2015

5 yr blog, day 707

“What are you chasing at this moment?”

a dream.
2014: a dream.

September 11, 2015

5 yr blog, day 706

“What advice would you give a second-grader?”

i stick by last year’s answer.
2014: don’t worry about what other people say. you are awesome as you are.

September 10, 2015

5 yr blog, day 705

“This is utterly confounding ___.”

i’m looking over last year’s answers and i’m not confused by it anymore.
this year’s confusion is based on my boyfriend.
2014: that i’m turned on by gay men, drag queens, and nude women.

September 9, 2015

5 yr blog, day 704

“What comes to your mind when you think of fear?”

unrealized dreams.
2014: the dark and the unknown.

sweet dreams

dreams are odd things.
i believe dreams come in many forms.
dreams can be words from the other side, deities or dead relatives talking to you.
or mostly they are just the random things your mind grabs.
i don’t much stock in dream dictionaries, the one good thing i learn from Silver RavenWolf. i was having recurring dreams about vampires. vampires are suppose to mean your sexuality is being repressed, i read off one website.
let’s not take into factor at the time i was watching 4 or 5 hours of Buffy and all the fantasize of Spike before bed.
no, that had no factor on my dreams at all.
i have head my dead grandmas show up in my dreams. that was a creepy as hell.
one dream i had, Robert Downey Jr. had died. that sent me to an awake up panic and franticly going through Twitter to make sure it was all, just a dream.
sex dreams can be a whole new lvl of weirdness. i’ve had a dream where i had a penis i could snap on and off. one dream was me making out with Drusilla (that was odd).
i don’t get mad at Matthew if he has random sex dreams about other girls. he doesn’t have control over them and it’s just his way his mind works.
i don’t think he ever had a sex dream about me.
and i haven’t had a sex dream in a long time.
my latest batch of dreams are mostly about the Avengers.
or how work is trying to kill me.
rather have the Avengers in my head.

September 8, 2015

5 yr blog, day 703

“Who are you jealous of?”

all the pregnant women at the store.
2014: not saying.

September 7, 2015

5 yr blog, day 702

“What’s the news thing you’re wearing today?”

my neckless. i got in May.
2014: i got my shirt around May this year.

September 6, 2015

September 5, 2015

5 yr blog, day 700

“Today you learned ___.”

my birthday is in less than a month.
2014: tomorrow is gonna be hell.

September 4, 2015

5 yr blog, day 699

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

here, nothing will change.
2014: out, married, children.


where do i start?
i’ve been in a “funk” that even Colt has noticed and said something about it. i know i’ve been a bitch to him and i’m making a conscience move to be happier and nice to him.
even my work is suffering. i don’t know if it’s the heat, the fact i’m the only of Jessica’s minion for the past weeks, baring the force, or what.
last Monday i had to take my shirt off, i got so over heated.
shoes is the armpit of hell.
i know i haven’t been taken my vits and herbs, and my period was rough but doable, so there’s that factoring into the whole mess.
i know i am loved, i just wish i could feel it around me the whole time.
i have been crocheting. it’s been a nice distraction from the slum i’m living.
i’ve been working 5 days, off for 2. this last 5 about did me in. i had to buy vodka before going home. i drunk tweeted Guardians of the Galaxy. i should have watched Avengers.
Jacob’s birthday was yesterday and i’m assuming there was much rejoicing in Casa de Jolt.
and the “dread” of plans for my birthday, better plans by my gay boyfriends then my “real” boyfriend.
and there is the need to sit down and formally ask Jacob to join the poly quad (what’s 5? pent?) and be my boyfriend.
i didn’t walk on my days off.
it’s just seems nothing is going right, right now.
i want to type “i hope this week will go better” due to this being the start of my work week, but that is just all fluff.
when you hit rock bottom, you can go sideways.
or get to a deeper lvl.
up is not the only way.

September 3, 2015

5 yr blog, day 698

“Where have you found evidence of a higher power?”

lately, nowhere. i know they are out there, the gods, i just haven’t felt them, or anything, lately.
2014: March of the Penguins. that’s were i first found it.

September 2, 2015

5 yr blog, day 697

“Is your home/apartment clean?”

i don’t have a home or an apartment.
2014: no comment.

September 1, 2015

5 yr blog, day 696

“Teacher or student?”

based on my answer from last year, i have learned that i am a top.
2014: master or slave? top or bottom?