June 30, 2015

5 yr blog, day 633

“What can you live without right now?”

still stand with last year’s answer.
2014: i hate questions like this. it’s not the matter of what i can live without, it’s the matter of why the hell would i want to? how will that make me a better person or some other bullshit?


so, last week the government decided to say fuck it, you can marry whom you want. it’s been a few days and so far, nothing has destroyed the world yet.
so, i posted on Nicole’s Facebook about we don’t have to run away to Canada to get married. this caused me some merriment as a guy friend of hers thought he had dibs.
and when i told Matthew that nothing was stopping me from marrying Nicole, he was not all pleased. he wants to marry me.
and i am, as i write this, straight and plan to marry Matthew. so what is the “big deal” to me about same sex marriage?
my options are open now. i can marry whoever will have me, man, woman, and in-between. there’s no limit.
what is stopping me from driving down to Nicole’s and getting hitched?
maybe this is all my straight privilege talking right now, but this decision has affected me. build on the fight and lives and souls of the LGBTQ world, my straight ass can marry my best friend, who’s also a woman.
what started off as a joke has not become a reality, in this county at this time.
it’s not now i can really start harassing Colt and Jacob about getting married (got their wedding almost planned out) but i can marry whomever i want.
whomever i want.
i don’t think i can wrap my head around this idea right now.
and i need to put words on paper about my genderfluidness i got going on…

June 29, 2015

5 yr blog, day 632

“What are you top songs on your ‘recently played’ list?”

top three
  1. “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone
  2. “Interrogation Song” by Ty Burrell, Sam the Eagle and The Muppets
  3. “Heroes” by David Boiwie
2014: top three
  1. “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic
  2. “Invisible” by U2
  3. “White Walls” by Macklemore

June 28, 2015

5 yr blog, day 631

“If your mood were a weather forecast, you’d be____.”

calm, and then it’s really dark and depressing.
2014: dark, foreboding, overcast, with danger in air.
and windy.

June 27, 2015

5 yr blog, day 630

“When was the last time you ate pizza? What kind?”

Monday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.
2014: Tuesday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.

June 26, 2015

June 25, 2015

5 yr blog, day 628

“Who is your closest companion?”

i don’t have one, i have a network: Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.
2014: Nicole.

June 24, 2015

5 yr blog, day 627

“What’s your next social engagement?”

i think it’s the date for Matthew’s birthday followed by an Ant-Man birthday weekend.
2014: posting this blog.

nighty update

i’m here in a nighty, in a hotel room, with a passed out boyfriend in the bed.
it’s daylight by the way.
life has been good of late. last night’s 5 yr blog prompt of when was the last time you cried and i can’t remember. funny thing is, i wrote about then i should have cried but didn’t.
but this post is not about that, this is about the boy passed in my bed right now.
Matthew created a FetLife.com profile. he’s paranoid that someone from his mother’s work will find him. if they do, then they have to explain to her why they are on the site.
i did post on that site. i posted a journal entry and last night a pic. not a nude but slowly working my way up there.
Matthew did say that he can tell i’m losing weight because my face looks thinner and i’ve noticed my ass has gotten perkier. i’ve added hand weights and i can feel it in my arms. still doing the sit-ups and not seeing anything with that.
also, i should have a student loan paid off by February. i’m really excited by that. pay off one, work harder on the other one, then a newer car.
there’s, other plans out there too, but now is not the time to talk about them.
this past week i’ve download Kid Rock’s Devil Without a Cause and Bob Seger’s Ultimate Hits: Rock and Roll Never Forgets. i don’t think i’m genderqueer but i need to put down in words what i feel.
it will make sense once it’s all out there. trust me.

June 23, 2015

5 yr blog, day 626

“When was the last time you cried?”

i really don’t remember.
i “should” have when Colt and Jacob left, but i didn’t.
2014: it was within the last week. i teared up at the end of watching Phantom.

June 22, 2015

5 yr blog, day 625

“What was the last movie you saw in a theater?”

Avengers: Age of Ultron with my men: Colt, Matthew, and Jacob.
2014: X-Men: Days of Future Past with Colt and Matthew.

Dead Ice

i started reading Laurell K. Hamilton’s Anita Blake series back in 2008. Amanda had recommended it and i thought, what the hell?
i didn’t like the fact vampires were out but i loved how it was set in St. Louis. and not having watch enough Joss Whendon yet, i didn’t like the characters dying.
7 years later, a lifetime later, i look forward to them. along the way i also started reading Laurell K. Hamilton’s Merry Gentry series. i love Merry and all the fey and how it feels more like pagan fiction, but Anita’s life…
in the world of Anita Blake i go to understand how magick works and how shields should feel.
and it takes place in St. Louis, i’ve been there!
last year was the long waited return of Merry Gentry, with her 3 babies and their 6 fathers, and a somewhat happy life together.
i didn’t need that book last year. i needed Dead Ice.
my gods did i need Dead Ice.
last summer was fun, ending with me having a breakdown of sorts over my feeling about Colt. i thought i had it all sorted out when me and Matthew saw him for his birthday in May.
me and Matthew went to Springfield in August and the 3 of us went out: Chile’s and Guardians of the Galaxy, Matthew rubbing my arm the same time Colt was rubbing my leg.
and Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” was playing all the time that weekend and at work…
but this summer, i have Dead Ice.
what really hit me about this book was all the talk about polyamorus. with marriage in the air, there are talks about a 4 or 5 person comment ceremony with Anita and her men.
and, i understand that. i didn’t really get the poly thing before, mostly because i couldn’t image having more than one guy loving me and thinking that poly was kinda wrong. but last summer changed me.
see, i didn’t get a real friend until after school, first boyfriend at 22, first long term relationship until i was 25. i kinda hit those social mile markers late in life. so, the fact Anita could have her men, and the men be ok with each other, was far fetch for my little head.
and then Colt move 2.5 hours away from me.
yeah, but that weekend in August changed all that.
and then #Avengerpalzooa brought Jacob into the picture.
Colt and Jacob swung by work Sunday and i got to see them for a bit. it’s when they were talking to Tammy and i was in baby food hell, i looked at them and thought “mine.”
i hugged them both and as they walked away, i thought “mine” again.
and i didn’t cry when they left.
i take a perverted pleasure when my 16 year old coworkers lamenting about being boyfriendless and i tell them i have 2.
and one of them has a boyfriend.
i feel that part of me is just enjoying the perverseness of saying i have 2 boyfriends and calming being polyamorous.
but with Colt and Jacob calling me girlfriend, and reading a book about dealing with polyamorous, this is be.
i see myself as Anita, i have my men, i have that metaphysical connected with Colt, i want to marry Matthew, i cannot, will not, see my life without Colt in it.
Dead Ice took all the lost and issues i had of last summer and showed me that i needed to know then.
i love Mathew.
i love Colt.
i love Jacob.
i love my men.
they love me.
i deserved to have this love and have this many men in my life.
thank you Laurell K. Hamilton for Dead Ice. it has helped me greatly this summer.

June 21, 2015

5 yr blog, day 624

“Who do you want to know better?”

this past year, i’ve been learning a lot about myself. i think i’m hitting new lvls.
2014: Colt.

June 20, 2015

5 yr blog, day 623

“Write the first sentence of your autobiography.”

She was loved by many.
2014: She was a witch.

June 19, 2015

5 yr blog, day 622

“What was the last personal letter you received?”

Colt and Shadow sent me a Valentine this year.
2014: like in the mail? 2006.
Colt did write me a goodbye letter before he left.

June 18, 2015

5 yr blog, day 621

“What was the last meal someone cooked for you?”

Mom made supper last night.
2014: Mom, today.

June 17, 2015

5 yr blog, day 620

“The best hour of today was___. Why?”

not an hour but my time walking was great.
why? fastest mile ever and just feeling great. it’s almost like meditating.
2014: the hour me and Mathew ate out. it was just awesome.


i make good progress and then my period shows up and i have to climb back to where i was and start again.
read all of Dead Ice Laurell K Hamilton. i so needed this book last year.
while there wasn’t a lot of sex, there was lot of stuff about poly and Anita connects to her men. i started reading her books 2008 and really thought her life as fantasy. and now, 7 years later, it’s my life. i’m growing as a witch, i have my own poly group, and i have #cuzwereconnected. short of me sleeping with girls, i am Anita.
i have also discovered tea this summer. really, green tea with ginseng, honey, and lemon. i got a tea maker and slowly working on sorting that out, and what tea i like. it’s all science because, you write it down.
and i’m still keeping up with the walking! i’ve added walker weights and today, hit my best mile ever at 19:06! i have high hopes of getting under 19 mins by the end of the month.
i also wrote out a new “Adventures of The DarkShark and his Witch” and emailed it to Colt. i think it still needs work. i need to add a Joss Whendon joke to it. once Colt reads it, i’ll tweek it.
still need to work on putting Shelby into the horror. i don’t have a plot for her. i got the setting, and i got how i want her (*wink*) but, what to do?
i’m also wanting to branch out on FetLife.com. i’m thinking of wanting to write something for the site, something racy. i never finished the story of Colt’s first time…
i’m off to work in my room and make myself a better person.

June 16, 2015

5 yr blog, day 619

“What makes you cynical?”

will go with last year’s answer.
2014: ok, so the definition of “cynical” on my Merriam-Webster Dictionary app is: “believing that people are generally selfish and dishonest.”
working at Wal-Mart and have the customers just lie to you, all day, every day.

June 15, 2015

5 yr blog, day 618

“What’s your favorite gadget?”

2014: a hammer.

June 14, 2015

5 yr blog, day 617

“Did you exercise today?”

2014: not really. i went shopping with Mom and that has walking so i will say i did ½.

June 13, 2015

5 yr blog, day 616

“Something that made you worry today ___.”

general worries about Colt.
2014: i had no worries today.

June 12, 2015

5 yr blog, day 615

“Is something in your way? Can you move it?”

i am moving, one foot at a time.
2014: if there is, it’s me.


once upon a time i learned about Erik Erikson’s theory of development. i believe in it and i’ve used it many times in my life to explained what is wrong with people.
i may be late bloomer with some parts of it. it was when i started studying witchcraft that i thought i was getting my life together. i had an ugly breakup that lead to my first long term relationship and other things. long story short, before the 1st of April 2014 i thought i knew who i was.
and then Colt moved away.
and then when i visited him the 2nd time, i didn’t write for a whole month.
ok, just reread that entry. yep, old Erickson was mention again.
and so was Laurell K Hamilton.
i am reading her new book Dead Ice and all the poly stuff is flaring up in me. i don’t have the life that Anita has, i’m happy with the 3 i have, and i don’t know if i can take in more.
shit, i almost told Jacob i loved him today.
(but that was more due to PAIN.)
it was the Anita Blake books that taught me what magick is, how shielding should be. Laurell K Hamilton put in words what i did not understand from my witchcraft books. she gave magick a shape i could hold.
and she taught me about polyamorus.
i was with my ex when i started reading the Anita Blake books. i thought of them as pure fantasy: the sex and vampires and the poly stuff.
and look at me now. 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.
where was this book last year when i needed it? i didn’t need Merry Gentry with her happy “married” life and babies. i need this book.
but there was no Jacob last year.
the PAIN caused me to tell Colt one of my fantasies.
i need to write. i need to put pen to paper and write my own stories, the adventures of me, not of the DarkShark and his witch.
no. that’s doesn’t make me happy. i took sick joy in telling my 16/17/18 yr old coworkers that i have 2 boyfriends. it felt like i was getting back to all those bitches in high school.
i’m happy because of the men in my life. it’s still #cuzwereconnected but now there’s #itakecareofmymen. yes, my life is hashtags now. it’s how i roll.
one year later, i’m ok with 2 boyfriends. the metamour is throwing me off now.
i need a day with no pain and daylight to write and not ramble on.

June 11, 2015

5 yr blog, day 614

“What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?”

2014: eh.

June 10, 2015

5 yr blog, day 613

“How many cups of coffee did you drink today?”

still don’t drink coffee.
2014: i don’t drink coffee.

June 9, 2015

5 yr blog, day 612

“What makes a good friend?”

Colt, Matthew, Nicole.
2014: i’m not going there.


so, do i do an pointless “update” post or just bullshit for a page?
and really, what the difference between them?
went shopping yesterday. during naptime, i walked for 18 mins. my times are down, i’ve gone up in weight, and i’m trying. doing my sad 108 sit-ups make me think, are they helping?
and i like to believe they are. somehow.
Facebook has been fucking up. it won’t work on my phone, on the home WiFi. so, i got out my itouch. it still won’t work on the home Wifi.
this is bullshit.
i’m working on the next “chapter” of Adventures of the Witch and her DarkShark that will be introducing the Kitsune! i got an idea, i got some things i’m trying to channel into it, but it is not coming along. i pull up the page, type a few words and then, nothing. i kinda know how i want her to fit in the bigger picture, i just cannot get it going right now.
i don’t know what more spark i need. maybe a whole fire.
speaking of fire, i’ve been off for two days, Jessica’s been off for two days, i assume the department has burn down to the ground by now.
my hopes for the rest of the day is to get my walk in and work on my room. it’s bad now (ha!) but i’ve got empty tubs and a closet to fill it.
really, this one foot at a time, this shit has been the best thing ever. i can do a foot at a time. do a foot a day and i’ll be ready for Matthew’s birthday!

June 8, 2015

5 yr blog, day 611

“What makes you miserable?”

being owned money and not having be paid back.
2014: 6 days in a row.

June 7, 2015

5 yr blog, day 610

“What do you feel grateful for today?”

i’m not going to be at work the next two days, the same days that Jessica is gone.
2014: it’s summer.

June 6, 2015

5 yr blog, day 609

“Which family member are you the closest to?”

i’m trying to get away from them.
2014: i’m not close to any of them.

one foot at a time

one foot at a time. taking my room one foot at a time, i am making progress. Thor’sDay i took the closet.
i discovered things i had forgotten about, got two trash bags that need to take to the donation bins and have 4 or 5 tubs emptied out.
and, all the clothes that are on the floor still need to be sorted out.
and the jeans can wait till it’s cold.
and, i have discovered tea, green tea really. still playing around with the brewing. i hope by Matthew’s birthday to have it down.
also, i’m looking into making sugar and/or salt scrubs. part for magick, part for beauty.
and maybe what everyone is getting for Yule this year.

June 5, 2015

5 yr blog, day 608

“What was the last fruit you ate?”

do not recall.
2014: do not recall.

June 4, 2015

5 yr blog, day 607

“Today you wore___.”

2014: purple and jean capris.

kissing the limitless

i’ve been reading Kissing the Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle. i think i read Evolutionary Witchcraft long ago and thought of her as a nut. as a “why not?” moment i got this book.
on my gods.
i feel like i can do something, that all is not lost. i’ve tweeted quotes of her’s that just hit so much to me. the one for today is:
“Can you stop spinning your wheels and move forward, even one foot?"

and that’s how i’m attacking my room, one foot at a time. right now, i’m on bag three of stuff i’m getting rid of. i am making slow progress but I AM MAKING PROGRESS.
told Colt my dark secret. it took a lot to do that.
this book, i’ve read it all the way through. now, i want to go back and start doing the exercise she has in it and, well, become a witch again.
i know that most the magicks, hell ALL of them, have been with Colt (due to “Cuz we’re connected”). he says i would be able to bring the apocalypse if i get stronger.
and to my Dark Willow he will be my Xander.
and one day he will so get that.
but my DarkShark is going dark, and not in a good way.
and the blessing i have, where i’m not here crying and freaking out, is Jacob. he can be the “stand in” to help Colt.
my metamour, don’t make me come down there.
so back i will go, to my cave to work on it more. one foot at a time.
i can so do this.

PS: T. Thorn Coyle is part of the Feri Tradition. their belief is a bit out there for me. there’s a divine peacock. my thoughts were “that’s kinda weird” “you pray to the Hulk” “so divine peacock, let’s read more about this."

June 3, 2015

June 2, 2015

5 yr blog, day 605

“Should you trust your instincts?”

hell yes.
2015: yes.

June 1, 2015

5 yr blog, day 604

“On a scale of one to ten, how healthy are you?”

lighter than last year, plan on getting lighter.
2014: fuck you.