December 31, 2014

5 yr blog, day 452

“What is your most cherished memory of the year?”

look under “cuz we’re connected” for this year.
2013: nothing pops out at me. :-(


i write so i don’t forget. 
today a tag will be used that has not been used in a long time: “work that ass.”
the following Tweets take place over the night of 2/25/2014.
“And behold, there shall come a time
when a shark of darkness meets a
bitter witch.
And the world will never be the same.”

driving home from work on April 30th, my boyfriend made mention that tomorrow (May 1st) would be our anniversary.
i’m still alive, i think.
past weekend was Matthew’s birthday weekend.
[for the first time in 13 years, i did not write at all for a whole month.]
dear 16 yr old self
my bday weekend was good.
if i don’t think about, i don’t get sad. 
Laurell K Hamilton was right; i need to write to get the demons out.

top movies of 2014
  1. Muppet’s Most Wanted
  2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  3. Interstellar
  4. Guardians of the Galaxy
  5. American Hustle
  6. X-Men: Days of Future Past
  7. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
  8. Transformers: Age of Extinction

December 30, 2014

5 yr blog, day 451

“List what you’ve eaten for the past week.”

hey look, same as last year, food!
2013: food.

December 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 450

“What are your top three wishes?”

i just want out. can i wish for that 3 times?

  1. pay off credit card
  2. move out
  3. i don’t know. a pony?

December 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 439

“Snuggle down or go out and play?”

play, then snuggle, snuggle hardcore.
2013: play, then snuggle, snuggle hardcore.

can i?

funny thing, last night i wanted to write. i got the words in my head, poems, and what all and then i get pen and paper and BOOM! nothing. nothing came out.
i did figure out with Colt, words fail me. there’s comfort in that. i’m not insane, just bleeding depressed.
did watch of all of American Horror Story Coven yesterday. it makes me want to do witchcraft.
can i pledge 30 mins to an hour a day to my room? do i have a playlist for that? just a white bag and slowly getting rid of shit i don’t need.
can i do 15?
can i just do it at all?

December 27, 2014

5 yr blog, day 438

“What was the last time you felt at peace?”

May 27, 2014. read about it here, “Part III: Boyfriend Prime”.
2013: 8/16/2013. read about it here, “daylight”.

December 26, 2014

5 yr blog, day 437

“On a scale of one to ten, how spontaneous were you today?”

less then zero.
2013: zero.

"That's what it's all about."

i posted this on my Facebook on Christmas Eve. wanted the world to see this:
When I was little, Christmas was special.
After Halloween, we had a month called November that had its own holiday, Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas stuff started floating in the stores then, I don't remember.
I do remember that after Thanksgiving there was this excitement! "We only have 25 days to celebrate Christmas! Must put everything into!" And then there was songs, movies, shows on the TV and it was Christmas!
And that week from the 26 to the 2nd, no school and new toys, it was the Christmas afterglow. There was magick in the air, still.
Now, Christmas is out before Halloween, there's more Christmas in October then Halloween. It's shoved down our throats for 2 months and when the 26 hits, it's gone and we don't talk about it.
I don't have Christmas cheer. I get 25 days of Christmas cheer in me every year, and that burns out before Halloween anymore.
It's Windsday. Tomorrow is my one day off after working 6 in a row.
Remember on Friday, it never happened.

December 25, 2014

5 yr blog, day 446

“Write down five words that describe today.”

hey look! same as last year!
long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.
2013: long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.

December 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 445

“Write down a recent transition.”

shit from the store.
2013: i brought lunch for me and Colt.

just stand there, awkwardly, while i cry

words fail me. we communicate with memes and emote, that’s why words fail me about him.
after work, i transfer into my human self and made my way to the fine dining of O-Town, Chez McDonald's. i wait, watch, trying to sort out the monster of the crochet gift for Shelby.
and he walked in like nothing has happen.
we sit, we chat. he’s on Grindr, he eats. we go to his truck. he opens his gifts. i open my gifts. we go to the store to get cat litter. he drives me back to my car. we say good bye. i drive away. a date with no hugs, just some inner thigh rubbing.
(i wanted the bones down do now i can go stream of conscience detail "krazy".)
i stare into his eyes. it's a thing i've done for years. his soul had change over time.
i saw something, in May, when he had been gone shy of 2 months. there was a spark. i didn't get a real chance to study him like i did last night.
but i did see something last night.
overall i did think he liked his gifts: kiddie blue backpack with a semi camo pattern in the silhouettes of sharks, a hat (a new version of the one he wears), Marvel lanyard, mini Marvel canvas print, Marvel lock box, Marvel playing cards (with instructions on how to divine) and a locket of salt.
i got 2 out of 3 gifts (scared to think what the third one is, something silver since he asked if i was a vampire, gods don't let it be a necklace, i wear the one and pissed off Matthew when i rejected his gift a few x-masses ago...)
i hope it's just his abs.
and i should have gotten out of his truck when he pulled out his video camera.
first box, small like a ring box. i did tell him that this proposal was crappy. after layers of paper, it was a glass penguin wearing a red scarf.
red, like his truck.
the next box i knew because he let it slip it was my shirt he started 9 months ago.
he wrote on the shirt:
  • “When in doubt, draw a salt circle.”
  • “Moo.”
  • “Don’t touch Lola.”
  • “I love you, don’t hit me.”
  • “I like her.”
  • “I am Iron Man.”
  • “At midnight we ride.”
  • “Don’t ask me, I’m a witch.”
along with a penguin, his sign, his version of my happy face and of course, out quote.
i told him is going to be awkward wearing his shirt while having sex with Matthew.
(we have the type of relationship that he blogs this beautiful love letter to me. blog post before, sexually feeling up a guy, one before that, his 3 way.)
his eyes, his best feature after his sharp canines (never been bitten but a girl can dream *sigh*) i looked deep and hard.
the theme of the night was transformation/change. what i see every day was all new and exciting to him
9 months he's been gone. i've been friendless in this cold and unloving hell. 9 months we go from random cells to filly formed beings.
in May, i saw a shine. Friday night i saw full shine, like the world after you clean your glasses after not being cleaned for a few weeks. you wipe away the dirt and I CAN SEE! everything is just brighter and shiny.
and that was how his eyes were Friday night, like polished glass. i dare say he found some form of happiness.
and for me.
he wrote in his blog "… she can sit there and cry while I awkwardly find something to do." (“Forward into the Past.) and think i know why.
everyone changes, everyone moves away, everyone grows up.
except me.
i'm stagnating and it took me till Friday night to truly see it.

“Everyone I knows, goes away in the end.”  (Cash)

he moved away and he's better for it. with his talk of going to the gym and girls (lesbians, but still girls) i feel that i will be left behind in this no name town.

“You are someone else, I am still right here.”  (Cash)

i want so bad to get better, to move out and on my own but i cannot get started. there is such a mental block in me, i cannot see a future for me that is better.
Marvel announced their movie line up till 2019. my fear is that i will be the same, single, childless, in the Shack in the Woods, when Avengers: Infinity War Part 2.

Works Cited
Cash, Johnny. “Hurt.” American IV: The Man Comes Around. American Recordings/Universal, 2002. iTunes.
“Forward into the Past.” The DarkShark. 18 Dec. 2014. Web. 24 Dec. 2014.

December 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 444

“What’s your favorite cereal?”

frosted flakes.
2013: frosted flakes.

December 22, 2014

5 yr blog, day 443

“Did you meet someone new recently? If so, who was it?”

2013: in the past 3 months i did meet Tom.

December 21, 2014

5 yr blog, day 442

“If you could be the best at anything, what would it be?”

i want to be a better amerwitch.
2013: dudes, i’m the best amerwitch there will ever be. no need to wish for anything else.

December 20, 2014

5 yr blog, day 441

“What is your dream vacation?”

right now, and i know it will happen: 5th anniversary weekend in Springfield with Matthew, Colt, and Ultron.
2013: Walt Disney World for a week with Mathew.

December 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 440

"If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?”

to be done with the Yule time crocheting.
2013: Colt’s gift would be done.

December 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 439

“What do you like to talk about?”

anything and everything.
2013: anything and everything.

quickie from the hotel

need to write this quick before the bf wakes up/i wake him up.
went to Rolla for an overnight with Matthew. i gave him his Yule gift, all of Adam West Batman, limited edition Blu-ray. and a Batman t-shirt.
i hope to get mine soon.
and is it bad that you ask one boyfriend to get you a gift to get you closer to your other boyfriend?
in other news, Shelby is now on Twitter and i’m now part of another poly trio. that’s 2 all together now. :-/
as for Yule gifts, i don’t know if i’m gonna make it. pray for me.
on the flip side, i know what Colt is getting for his birthday. and Matthew for our anniversary.
i need to learn to stop crocheting. this would cut down on a lot of stress i have.
i got to go. check out is soon.

December 17, 2014

5 yr blog, day 438

“If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?”

2013: Rosebud.

December 16, 2014

5 yr blog, day 437

“What so you find irresistible?”

boys with cats.
2013: in what? in life, men, women, cars? this vagueness just ain’t cute anymore.

December 15, 2014

5 yr blog, day 436

“Moderation or excess?”

both, at the same time.
2013: both. at the same time.

December 14, 2014

5 yr blog, day 435

“Why are you impressive?”

i am and i am not. show me a talent i didn’t think you had, that will impress me.
2013: so don’t understand this question at all.

December 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 434

“What is your biggest regret?”

i said my whole life last year, but the more i think about it, i’m here for a reason, for better or worse.
i have no regrets.
2013: my whole life.

December 12, 2014

5 yr blog, day 433

“What’s on your wish list?”

store brought dress and a pony.
2013: store brought dress and a pony.

December 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 432

“Where do you find joy?”

in the pure and simple.
2013: nowhere right now. nowhere.

dream of him

i'm at "the store" where i am trying to get away from customers who want me to help when i'm off the clock.
this all segues to me and Colt. broad detail: he's been living in a hotel for past few months.
we're in bed, fully dressed but Colt has shaved legs. i keep kissing him, where i want lips, he keeps turning and giving me cheek.
his back hurts and when i go to rub it, i find this girl's name across his shoulders, in letters you would put on a mailbox. i get a Sharpie and across his neck i write:

December 10, 2014

5 yr blog, day 431

“What surprised you today?”

i did not run into trouble at town.
2013: how much happier i am working over in apparel.

December 9, 2014

5 yr blog, day 430

“What is your most recent act of generosity?”

i don’t recall.
2013: i don’t recall.

December 8, 2014

5 yr blog, day 429

“How ambitious do you feel today?”

this is the wrong time of year to ask this question.
2013: none.

December 7, 2014

5 yr blog, day 428

“Where do you see yourself next year?”

in my own place.
2013: no clue or i don’t want to say.

December 6, 2014

December 5, 2014

December 4, 2014

5 yr blog, day 425

“Do you want to know how it ends?”

like i said last year, what ends?
2013: what ends? the world? my life? Avengers 2?

December 3, 2014

5 yr blog, day 424

“On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?”

2013: right now, 7.


Laurell K Hamilton was right; i need to write to get the demons out.
and now, the rest of the story.
after too long, i finished “The Pirate and the Witch”. i hope to get feedback from Colt today.
it was hard to write. i could see it clearly in my mind how it went. i had too many versions, between Word, Evernote and paper. but it’s done and it’s out there.
and i’m going to show Shelby.
in my need to be “female” i made Colt call me and gods, if i didn’t have to talk to the cat.
i really do have a type: boys wirh cats.
i kept the tears under control, until i had to say goodbye. couldn’t hide that from Colt.
told him to behave, hung up, cried, slept, woke up, cried.
i don’t know. i don’t know why it hurts so much; why i cry so much.
i don’t know why it hurts. i know there is a hole in my heart and nothing fills it.
and, this is just so strange for me to sort it all out. all these new labels i’m applying to myself, to define myself. this need to add adjectives before AMER, where 4 letters do not say it all anymore.
4 letters came about as a way to put it in simple form who i was/am. maybe it’s time to replace it all.
is this, some sort of “midlife” crises, being i’m 34 and still don’t know it all? am i blessed to be in this spot and not tied down to have this crisis?

December 2, 2014

5 yr blog, day 423

“What details from today would you like to remember?”

Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D..
2013: none

December 1, 2014

5 yr blog, day 422

“What would you like your epitaph to read?”

wife and loving mother.
2013: wife and loving mother.