November 30, 2014

November 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 420

“What five words describe your mood?”

tired, good, melancholy, hopeful, lonely
2013: stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed.

November 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 419

“What was the last risk you took?”

writing down the story: “The Pirate and the Witch.”
2013: changing jobs.

November 26, 2014

5 yr blog, day 417

“What three words describe your family?”

big, tall, mean.
2013: big, tall, mean.

November 25, 2014

5 yr blog, day 416

“How much water did you drink today?”

better than last year but not enough.
2013: not enough.

Escape (The Piña Colada Song)

so, i should write, right?
there’s this fun that’s been over me since Halloween. i can shake it off but there’s some nights, it just comes on strong.
i have realized something about work. i’m slacking at times because of this loneliness that haunts me.
i spend time with Matthew, i txt my Colt, i even have Shelby at work, but there’s a hole. it’s don’t matter how big, any boat will sink with a hole.
that is me. i’m slowly sinking. days i can stay above water, nights i just let the water over my head.
i am crocheting. i think that has been helping. making my crazy stuff for Nicole and Shelby. i feel, like i am doing something worthwhile when i got a hook and yarn in my hand.
if it’s not the yarn, it’s the drink. i am drinking at night, just to feel that buzz about me. not every night, but on the nights i am, i want to feel.
and music. my music is speaking to me. i find such solace in Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”. also, Pink’s “True Love” (me and Colt’s song) have been helping a lot too.
should i write more? should i make myself put words on paper, to get this mess out of my head? anymore, it’s a txt to a friend and not a post on this blog.
times have changed. i know i have. i just don’t know what i’m changing into.

November 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 415

“Who have you recently deleted from your contacts/address book?”

2013: well, i did deleted someone from Facebook awhile back.

November 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 414

“What is your favorite brunch food?”

i don’t do brunch.
2013: really? this is a thing?

November 22, 2014

November 21, 2014

5 yr blog, day 412

“What are your favorite shoes?”

still don’t have a pair. i have shoes, i wear them when i need to.
2013: don’t have a pair.

November 20, 2014

5 yr blog, day 411

“What do you have to get done?”

my room. :-(
2013: my room.

November 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 410

“When was the last time you checked an online social network?”

2013: on one now.

November 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 409

“What is your dream job of the day?”

full time witch
2013: full time witch.

November 17, 2014

5 yr blog, day 408

“Which friends(s) did you last speak to?”

2013: Matthew.

November 16, 2014

November 15, 2014

November 14, 2014

November 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 404

“What song could be your self-portrait?”

still have not found a song that would be me.
as for a theme song for the now, i don’t have one. went kinda dark where the songs of Buffy and Muppet’s Most Wanted got to me. 
2013:  i’m more about my theme song for the now. never thought of a self-portrait.
i really don’t know what would be a good self-portrait for me. any ideas?

November 12, 2014

5 yr blog, day 403

“Is there anything missing in your life?”

2013: loaded question. don’t know if i want to air them here.

good hello?

i don’t know how to hash this out. here we go.
my brother got married. big ol’ white dress, Catholic wedding that ended up with a bunch of white, drunk girls dancing at the reception.
i didn’t understand any of it.
Matthew looked hot in his suit with purple shirt. damn hot.
while we were cleaning up, Mom fell down. long story short, she’s in the hospital now, had she shoulder worked on. don’t know any more due to my ass of a father not wanting to tell anyone anything.
so then!
Colt wrote a story, posted it on his blog Sunday night. i was in my warm bed, with a warm boyfriend, and end up crying while reading it. i was in it and no, that’s not the reason i cried.
now, at this time, i don’t feel the darkness. i don’t know if i was Matthew being up here or the wedding being over. i wouldn’t say i’m better, just better?
i don’t know. i’m not looking forward in being stuck taking care of my mother for weeks on end. i know my father will be no help and i’ll be tied up with so much shit i don’t be able to see straight.
i’m going to crochet.

November 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 402

“What do you always avoid?”

i don’t know. it changes so often that i can’t keep up.
2013: creepers at work, ass mangers Chris.

November 10, 2014

November 9, 2014

5 yr blog, day 400

“Did you leave work on time?”

off today.
2013: was off today.

November 8, 2014

5 yr blog, day 399

“What topic are you bored talking about?”

sometimes when Matthew goes on about Star Trek too much.
2013: nothing.

November 7, 2014

5 yr blog, day 398

“Who is your hero?”

i don’t feel i have any heroes right now. ask me again next year.
2013: THOR!!!

November 6, 2014

5 yr blog, day 397

“What time did go to bed last night?”

about same time as the last few days.
2013: way too late.

November 5, 2014

5 yr blog, day 396

“What should remind as-is?”

i need a change.
2013: nothing.

November 4, 2014

November 3, 2014

5 yr blog, day 394

“When did you last hold a baby?”

longer ago when Elle was one.
2013: long ago when Elle was one.

November 2, 2014

5 yr blog, day 393

“What’s your biggest expense right now?”

still, my credit card. :-/
2013: my credit card.


if i don’t think about, i don’t get sad.
if i don’t txt anyone anything mopy, i won’t get sad.
if i don’t drink to feel better, i won’t get sad.
going over the list of things that have made me depressed in the past, i shouldn't be sad.
it’s this box i feel i’m in. i don’t have any friends nearby. it’s a 2 hour drive before i hit a friend.
and it’s that walls that keeps closing in on me at night.
the time changed. it got dark at 5, pitch black. i was scared of sun down hitting me.
and the true sign, i didn't do anything for Halloween. i didn't even take pics of my pumpkins.
and within all this blerk, Colt is like some kind of iceberg mirage.
it didn't help that he wrote this a few weeks ago.
or maybe it did.
we started this “joke” based off a quote from Iron Man 3 that “We’re connected” and sometimes i think it gets out of hand.
i had Imitation Chicken Enchiladas. he had gas.
i get pregnant, he’ll get the morning sickness.
he had his Facebook pic with him and another girl and part of me died a bit.
and Mathew, my “real” boyfriend actually said if Colt was still in town, i could cuddle with him after a bad day of work.
not having a boyfriend, made me depressed. i have two. i shouldn't feel this way.
is it the PTSD from being in electronics and Black Friday coming towards me?
just why? i should not be this way! I SHOULD NOT!

November 1, 2014

5 yr blog, day 392

“What was something you couldn't do today?”

2013: relax.