September 30, 2014
here i am, the eve before my month. it’s Okotber somewhere right now, and in an hour or so, it will be here.
it also marks the 6 months that my The DarkShark has been gone.
my birthday is this weekend, and my boyfriend has made good plans for it. i’m looking forward to it and hope a good time will be had by all.
i feel that this will be my month. that i can get things done to move onto the next lvl.
i need to move on.
along with everything, the changes of the season, the knowledge my god will die soon, the start of season 2 of Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D., some things stay the same.
it’s the flowing water/shift in the dance that is always the same and really needs to change the most of all.
you know how i know?
September 29, 2014
September 28, 2014
recently i had a friend fall into the dumps and become mopy and sad.
while trying to bring him up, i was thinking over my feelings and emotions that i have and i realized something:
i’m always angry.
back when Avengers came out, we had this wonderful Hulk doll. you press his stomach and he would say “HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH NOW! (dramatic pause) HULK READY TO FIGHT!” i often went to him to hear his words and found strength in them. you can’t be down if you are angry.
and two years later, i am angry all the time. this is my base lvl, mildly piss off. i don’t quickly fly off the handle; i’m not on the handle to start with.
so, i really don’t have the effort to be sad. it’s anger, all day, all night, all the time.
and i’m happy about this.
September 27, 2014
September 26, 2014
September 25, 2014
September 24, 2014
September 23, 2014
September 22, 2014
September 21, 2014
September 20, 2014
September 19, 2014
September 18, 2014
September 17, 2014
September 16, 2014
so, hi. how does this thing work?
so i didn’t write for the entire month of August. something happen to me and i lost my shit. i have not fully recover but i think i’m doing better.
Nicole has been helpful. maybe i just need to txt her more. we are both finding new things about ourselves and it’s been scary.
and the odd thing, i tried and tried to write down about my weekend with my men. i ended up typing it up on my phone using Evernote. it was the only form that worked for me. it was a deeper look into my soul then my other journal entries and to be only to write it on my phone, it was/is odd to me.
mundane things: Captain America: The Winter Solider and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. came out and my store had AoS on blu ray! big win for me!
and sending someone a $60 Wal-Mart gift card with no instructions a week before Marvel movies come out, with a txt saying it’s Marvel money, still adds up to not knowing what to do with the gift card.
gods, i miss my DarkShark so much this past few weeks i’ve cried.
and boo to him and not liking my suicide story.
the boyfriend is not coming up here for our monthly visit, due to reasons. i hope he can make it for my birthday.
funny, last year’s birthday was a trip to Springfield. i like to go back.
i don’t know what all to write about. work sucks, i miss Colt, and Matthew is Matthew.
life is the same and changes all the time.
September 15, 2014
September 14, 2014
September 13, 2014
September 12, 2014
September 11, 2014
September 10, 2014
September 9, 2014
September 8, 2014
dear 16 yr old self,
hi. how are you?
i know this should have been written a long time ago but i'm just now to the point where i'm not crying all the time to write. let me gleam from my hand written notes:
plans never work out. family sucks, tires blow out, and it wasn't until 11ish on Tuesday (8/5/2014) i roll south to where my men live.
men. yup. that and Sam Smith's "Stay With Me" will fuck with us, hardcore, this weekend.
made it to Matthew's. took an hour for him to get ready and then we start heading deeper into the south.
we hit Springfield. a bite to eat at Stake & Shake, roll by the hospital to see Matthew's dad, drop our things at the hospital hotel, and we make our way to Colt's newer grotto.
it's nice. he has a dining area, with a table and chair and he grew up to get a big boy's bed, sans frame but he's still young.
i did get to meet the cat, Shadow. why do i fall for guys with cats? is this my type?
after some internetting, we agree to see Guardians of the Galaxy, in 3D, in IMAX. but first, Chili's!
i ride with Colt. we talk.
at Chili's is where things gets, interesting.
we sit at tall table, Matthew, me, Colt, and i had the best time. at one point, Matthew was rubbing my arm while Colt was rubbing my leg.
at the same time.
and if i wasn't so shy i would have gone up to the bartender and told him we thought he was cute, who would he give his number too?
on our way to the movie, again me risking life by riding with Colt.
and he was all sorts of handsy with me. it got kinda creepy. bastard tried to kiss me, on the cheek but still!
we get in the theater, hit the restrooms (weak men still needed to use the john during the movie), find seats too close and settle in for a movie about a talking raccoon and his tree-person.
we get to the point where they tell us to put on the glasses. then the logo for Imax plays.
remember Disney World and Honey I Shrunk the Audience? it was like that.
i think Colt wet himself.
so the movie!
i... words... colors... Groot?
i still don't know how to processes this movie. it's MCU but it didn't feel like it.
too much cussing.
and when they showed Abs Pratt's Chris and Colt about clawed my arm off.
(and why the hell, last two comic book movies i've been to, this and X-Men, they show our hero's nearly nude/nude body, it turns Colt on but not me? am i that dead on the inside?)
the movie was good, overall. it felt rushedish. there just wasn't any part to breathe it all in and pause.
James Gunn, just slow down a hair. it will be ok. 10 seconds here or there will help the movie.
after the movie we head back to Colt's till he kicks us out for a booty call.
me and Matthew head to the hotel for the night.
next day, me and Mathew eat at a local nice place called Chedder's. Matthew even gets me a Rob Roy.
we make our way to Colt's again. Matthew dips out so i can do a card reading.
me and Matthew needed to head back north, Colt had to work later, so we said our goodbyes and i left my DarkShark once again.
the trip north, thinking about my date with my men, the movie, "Stay With Me" playing over and over, left me so out of sorts. I felt disconnected with the reality i live in. like, somehow, this was some crazy ass fantasy from a Laurell K Hamilton book, this real date, dinner and a movie, with two guys, who both love and adore me.
this can't be my life. my life doesn't warrant me being pretty enough, cool enough, thin enough to have my own Angel/Spike combo loving over me. for the love of Joss Whedon, Buffy never had to deal with Spike and Angel fighting over her!
Joss, i blame you for this mess and i blame you for not giving me the tools to cope with it.
get to Waynesville, get my car, and me and Matthew head north to Rolla for another night in a hotel.
leave our stuff at the hotel, head to Colton's. i start eating peanuts in hopes it would ground me. Matthew gets me a martini, we eat, and i still feel out of sorts.
back to the hotel, i take a bath, a real bath, not a shower. i pour a tiny bottle of shampoo for bubbles, and soak.
i've had/been having these needs to submerge myself in water. going to the pool helped, but there still is this longing. like i need a baptism of some sorts.
out of the bath, rinse off shower, try the massaging shower head, pjs, and some down time and then bed.
woke up to rain. seemed appropriate.
said goodbye to Matthew. Taco Bell for brunch, chill while i notice massive traffic due to an accident on I-70, get home, Matthew calls me to tell me Puppy died...
and that was the trip in a nutshell.
and every time i heard "Stay With Me" (and they played it at work!) i cry. that bloody song by the gorgeous voice, British, gay, white boy, pulls on me. been like that for a month.
along with August, i had to get a new phone. and while setting it up like my old one, i tweaked my home page with a folder that holds direct lines of communication with Matthew, Nicole, and Colt.
i call it "Poly Quad".
i know of of polyamorous, reading Laurell K Hamilton will do that. and i joke when i say i have 2 boyfriends and a girlfriend.
but i'm not laughing now.
i love Colt. i think i love him as much as i love Matthew. i'm not in love with Colt. i know that. what I feel for the boy is not the same kind love i have for Matthew but it's still love.
i worked 6 days in a row, 50 hours, and at the end, i wanted to crawl into a big bed and watch Batman or Avengers.
and depending on the movie depends on which guy i would be with.
i don't think Matthew understands all this. i'm just now getting a gripe on it.
Nicole, the only girl who i ever kissed, told me to get on fetlife.com (and the fact my phone auto's after 2 letters, from the beginning, is freaky as hell) and boy, nothing like staring into your soul to find yourself.
i’m going to be 34 this year. i really thought i had a strong gripe of who I am. Erik Erikson's theory of development is something i believe in. it has shaken my core to think i’m not fully form yet.
i thought i was a cookie, not cookie dough.