June 30, 2014

5 yr blog, day 268

“What can you live without right now?”

i hate questions like this. it’s not the matter of what i can live without, it’s the matter of why the hell would i want to? how will that make be a better person or some other bullshit?

June 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 267

“What are you top songs on your ‘recently played’ list?”

top three
  1. “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic
  2. “Invisible” by U2
  3. “White Walls” by Macklemore

June 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 266

“If your mood were a weather forecast, you’d be____.”

dark, foreboding, overcast, with danger in air.
and windy.

June 27, 2014

5 yr blog, day 265

“When was the last time you ate pizza? What kind?”

Tuesday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.

June 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 262

“What’s your next social engagement?”

posting this blog.

June 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 261

“When was the last time you cried?”

it was within the last week. i teared up at the end of watching Phantom.

Red is My Favorite Color

in the sweet afterglow of a post Avengers summer, it was announced that a Guardians of the Galaxy movie was going to be added to the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). i asked my boyfriend what was that all about. he mention a raccoon.
me: a raccoon? like in my backyard kind of raccoon?
boyfriend: well, he’s part of alien race of raccoons. he also has a friend that’s a tree, like the ents from Lord of the Rings.
in another lifetime, i would be a DC fan. my boyfriend is a Batman fan, and Batman was my favorite superhero growing up, and The Dark Knight, come on! how sexy and dark and wonderful is that movie? i should be all “go DC!” and looking at the trailers for Guardians of the Galaxy as stupid. i mean, a raccoon with a gun and he has a tree-person? come on! how inane can you get?
but, long ago on Twitter a name was mention that was tied to the MCU, to write and direct a movie. and that’s when i become a fan.
and that name was Joss Whedon.
i came to the MCU, not as a comic book fan, or even as a fan of their movies. i came because of Joss.
i love Buffy. i love Spike (hell, i want to name a child after him). i love the fandom that Joss has.
in the early days of our courtship, there was times where me and Matthew only talked in Buffy quotes.
that’s what the show means to me. it’s deep into my soul.
to celebrate our 2nd anniversary, me and Matthew went and saw Avengers.
and the world was never the same.
i was never the same.
i have seen every Marvel movie (even the non-MCU ones) in the theater (with Colt and/or Matthew by my side), waiting till midnight for the new DVDs to come out, hell, i reworked my work schedule so i could be home to see Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D..
this isn’t about movies anymore, this is my new religion.
Joss is what brought me to this super-franchise. Joss has gotten me to watch live television, live tweeting it with many other nerds and the cast members. Joss got me a dates with Colt. Joss got me to have my 5th anniversary turn into the epic event of seeing Avengers 2 next year.
Joss is the reason i’m excited to see a movie about a raccoon and his tree-person.
and the fact i have the word “tree-person” in my vocabulary now.
then this Tweet appeared on the internet:

and really, shouldn’t Wonder Woman be on the big screen by now? she has twice the years as Guardians of the Galaxy. hell, i even know more about her off hand then i do of the Guardians of the Galaxy.
and with kids growing up with awesome DC animation shows now-a-days, with Wonder Woman being there and being a general kick ass character, why the hell is taking so long for her to get her own damn movie?
and then there is this comic that floated out this year: http://www.dorkly.com/post/62412/the-trouble-with-wonder-woman
i will agree that Thor and Wonder Woman are similar in broad stokes, like the comic points out. but there is that one thing that makes them different.
Wonder Woman is a woman.
watching Days of Future Past, i was craving more Mystique screen time. it wasn’t till much later that i realized why. i’m not a fan of the character, but Mystique is a woman. and in a movie that’s almost all male, she had the most screen times.
i was rooting for the “bad guy” because she is female and i could relate to her.
billion, trillion dollar movies being made, only one female worth showing much screen time.
and she wasn’t on there that much.
Anthony Mackie (Falcon from Captain America: The Winter Solider) said something worth noting.
When I first got this role I just cried like a baby because I was like, “Wow, next Halloween, I’m gonna open the door and there’s gonna be a little kid dressed as the Falcon.” That’s the thing that always gets me. I feel like everybody deserves that. I feel like there should be a Latino superhero. Scarlett [Johansson] does great representation for all the other girls, but there should be a Wonder Woman movie. I don’t care if they make 20 bucks, if there’s a movie you’re gonna lose money on, make it Wonder Woman. You know what I mean, ’cause little girls deserve that. There’s so many of these little people out here doing awful things for money in the world of being famous. And little girls see that. They should have the opposite spectrum of that to look up to.(Patozzi).
and as someone who’s part of a group who makes up 50%, or so, of the world’s population, shouldn’t i have a movie about a superhero woman before the raccoon/tree-person movie?
well, 2017 is when Wonder Women is supposed to have her big screen debut. 75 years after she first appeared in print.
for this year, we have a raccoon/tree-person movie.
because the world is ready for that, but not a woman solo superhero movie.

side note: so, why the hell is this titled “Red is My Favorite Color”? 

before every Marvel movie, the screen lights up red, and then the “Marvel” appears across the screen. 
that opening credit, that turns me on last i saw it. 
red is my power color, but with the word Marvel, it’s a whole new lvl of power, magick, sex, and everything in between.

Works Cited

  • Patozzi, Jill. The Mary Sue. 15 April 2014. 19 June 2014.  http://www.themarysue.com/anthony-mackie-wonder-woman-movie.

June 22, 2014

5 yr blog, day 260

“What was the last movie you saw in a theater?”

X-Men: Days of Future Past with Colt and Matthew.

June 20, 2014

5 yr blog, day 258

“Write the first sentence of your autobiography.”

She was a witch.

June 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 257

“What was the last personal letter you received?”

like in the mail? 2006.
Colt did write me a goodbye letter before he left.


trying to write “Red is My Favorite Color” and i’m at a stopping point. what i started out to write, what i had planned in my head, is not what came out. and now i don’t know where to go with it.
i think this might be the first post i do that i have a works cited page with it. it’s that complicated.
i’m in a weird head space. i don’t know if this change of weather, Midsummer being this Saturday, Mom being home now, the fighting between her and Dad, this bullshit with Grandma, and all the funs with that family drama.
and i even had a nice date with Matthew yesterday and i’m still blar.
crocheting helps. i need to sit down and count my squares and see where i’m at. need to get my shit going on this damn thing. it needs to be done within 2 months and i don’t know if that’s going to happen.
maybe working 5 days in a row will be a good thing for me. get me out there and thinking about other things.
or i can just see ghostshadows out of the corner of my eye, reminders that what dreams i may hold, they don’t matter, will not matter, and i’m not needed anymore.
noon o’clock, too early to drink?

June 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 256

“What was the last meal someone cooked for you?”

Mom, today.


yesterday, me and Matthew met up in Rolla for an overnight.
it was wonderful.
i got there before him (!), got in his car, and off to Taco Bell for lunch.
we then hit Wal-Mart (because i have to go there, every day, no matter what) where i found book bags on sale (back-to-school is coming) and got me 3 for $21, i have purses forever now!
we check in the hotel, turn the air on 60˚ F, and watch Cop Land.
i then take a before and after selfies to show the world my selfie skills.
and what i can do in 30 mins. bitches who take longer need to redo their skill sets.
we eat at Colton’s. we have never had a bad time at the place.
we sat on the one side we never did, saw that they have a moose head on the wall. maybe it was a sign that Jorge was watching over us.
food was good, server was cute. i didn’t look up when the server came over. base on name and voice, i thought it was a girl. nope, it was a dude, he even had a beard.
i wanted to take him, and the front desk boy at the hotel.
back to the room. we watch Richard III (Ian McKellen is fucking awesome!) saw The Wil Wheaton Project, and then we had booze, cookies, soda, pizza rolls, and started watching True Detective.
oh my gods, this show. i got the code to get it off itunes, so maybe in a week i can sit and watch it all.
woke up to The Dark Knight (it’s amazing. no matter what is on the TV, that movie is always playing in the morning).
we went to Denny’s for food. never again.
J.C. Penny had lots of cool jewelry no shirts in Matthew’s size, and then to the comic book store!
bad news: the place got robbed over the weekend. dopefiends broke a window and took all the money. if it was nerds, they would have taken the action figures.
good news: Robert is opening a branch on the base! he’ll be there on Thor’sDay, so Matthew can get hit books there, and not in Rolla.
and then me and Mathew parted ways.

June 17, 2014

5 yr blog, day 255

“The best hour of today was___. Why?”

the hour me and Mathew ate out. it was just awesome.

June 16, 2014

5 yr blog, day 254

“What makes you cynical?”

ok, so the definition of “cynical” on my Merriam-Webster Dictionary app is: “believing that people are generally selfish and dishonest.”
working at Wal-Mart and have the customers just lie to you, all day, every day.

June 15, 2014

June 14, 2014

5 yr blog, day 252

“Did you exercise today?”

not really. i went shopping with Mom and that has walking so i will say i did ½.

June 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 251

“Something that made you worry today ___.”

i had no worries today.

Part III: Boyfriend Prime

Part III: Boyfriend Prime.

words fail me

this was not the way it was supposed to happen. it was supposed to be a simple Wednesday afternoon of a movie and dinner.
then shit hit the fan early April and plans had to be reworked, mountains moved, to get to this story.
i used my powers for good. i think i used my limits.
Sunday: i make Imitation Chicken Enchilada, pack my car to the brim [including 20 liters of soda (not a drop of vodka)] and made my way to... work.
i had to work noon to nine to be able to be off for Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday which led me to have to drive the first leg of this journey at night, on the Interstate, on a holiday weekend. fuck me.
i get off work, change clothes, buy some flowers, and in a stroke of genius, decide to have Thor playing on my itouch instead of trying to find music to listen to.
coz, with Thor and Loki as my copilots, what could go wrong?
nothing! two cops had someone pulled over right inside of Vichy and there was like no one on the Interstate! it was great!
got to Waynesville.

side note: Matthew's house was better, still gods awful.

the motorcycle rally was going on a few miles away but we could hear music just fine. after a Walmart run for cat food (story for another day) i took a shower and we settle down to watch X-Men: First Class.
while taking my shower, i started crying. they were not tears of joy for seeing my TheDarkShark the next day, but that i would have to say goodbye.
Monday: woke up early to The Dark Knight on the TV.
packed up Matthew's van started the second leg of the journey to that mystical land called Springfield.
we stop in Lebanon for a Sonic breakfast of foot long chili cheese dogs. as me and Matthew waited for food, "Demons" by Imagine Dragon played over the Sonic radio.
"Hell bound"
i took it as a sign, a good sign.
onward to Springfield!
this started a mass amount of txting/Tweeting of every mileage sign and general excitement.
i told Matthew that i haven't felt this excited since the day we saw Avengers. i knew Avengers was going to be wonderful, i just didn't know how awesome.
seeing Colt = seeing Avengers.
some of you will understand.
panic about Colt getting off work early turned into him jerking me around, the assbutt.
we get to the store and i didn't want to go inside. i started panicking because i didn't know how i was going to take all this.
made it inside. i was blessed to have a 2014 penny in my purse so I made Colt a smashed penny.
me and Matthew hide in fine guns room. more txting ensues.
Colt tweets:

in a haze, me and Matthew wait by the alligator pond. once i calm down, i start freaking out again.
then i saw that misshapen head, fuzzy chin, dumpty body i have only seen as a ghostshadow from the corner of my eye in my store for the past 2 months, pushing a cart coming towards me. i stroll up to him and ask in a voice that only him and me understand "do you work here?"
i got a hug.
Colt still had to work 2 more hours. time gets fuzzy. we talked some, he pulled his notebook out of his ass and i write down "For a good time, call..." and then his phone number.
i do recall at one point grabbing both Matthew's sleeve and Colt's sleeve (triangle of power! i'm a hinge!) explaining i have Buffy with Matthew and Supernatural with Colt.
Colt shows around a bit, goes back to work (fuck if i don't get ask if I work there) and a great time is spent at the turtle pond. i marvel at the wonderment of these creatures. they swim, sun under the lamps, fight.
i felt whole.
Colt gets off work and we go to his place. i walk into his bedroom and whatever evil black thing he had in Rosebud is with him here! i swear it's all in his bed and it needs an exorcism.
and that's where i to sleep!
i give Colt his gifts. first an awesome Marvel cup (Mathew has the Batman version) and The DarkFrog, with cape!
and i still have not gotten his Yule gift done. Colt thought the frog was it, but no.
Matthew leaves to check into his hotel. i give Colt his other gift, a box of condoms with the intent of NO MORE PHONE CALLS!
he's starving, so we ride up the street to Wendy's. He finds the one spot the razor missed on my legs (and really, i kept yelling at Colt about staring at my boobs). while in the drive thru, he asked me to look into his eyes. i told him i wasn't that fluffy to be doing magick in the drive thru, i would look later (never did :-( ).
BUT, something was there. i saw a spark. i've never seen it before in him. i don't know what it was but i was not shielded enough to deal with it.
back the grotto to get ready. Colt finds out his bathroom's door doesn't lock.
we get ready for the movie. i had my hair in 6 knots to brush it out in big glamorous 70's hair. if i had hairspray i would have been dangerous.
with a long broomstick black skirt, funky purple tank top, hair and makeup done to the 9's, and new earrings, i felt so fucking sexy. i felt powerful, like i was a goddess because, hell, i had a date with the two men who love me.
i was shining, glowing from all the love.

now, let me preface the next part of the story. i truly believe that birthdays are the high holy days that should be celebrated to the fullest. it's not so much i want all the party for my birthday but making sure my love ones have the best day. i busted my ass to make sure this was the best birthday for Colt, so help me gods.

me and Colt get in his truck, making our way to the theater. i had closed my eyes, to take it all in, a moment of Zen. Colt started driving like as ass.
he didn't want me to fall asleep.
i looked at him, and choosing my words carefully, i said "i bless you, that you find a boyfriend as wonderful as Matthew."
Colt freaked a bit and pulled his mp3 player away from the dash of his truck. the clocked read 3:15.
the exact time of his birth.
this connected stuff is getting out of hand.
anyway, we make it to the theater, get the tickets, Matthew calls says he's lost, he makes it, get in, sit down with Colt on my left and Matthew on my right.

dear 16 year old self, date one boy? no, date two men, at the same time. just sit in the middle and enjoy.

Matthew said he needed to go to the bathroom and comes back with popcorn and sodas for all three of us.
the previews roll and i got to see the new Guardians of the Galaxy preview! yeah MCU! so Days of Future Past.
Fox is really trying to prove they are the "adult" Marvel movies with swearing and the nudity.
yes, nudity. we all got see Hugh Jackman's ass. it's a great ass and turned some of us on.
ok, movie: TL/DR: Fox retcon everything and throw out the cannon of the X-Men trilogy.
it was a ok movie. it wasn't boring, i did question why they made JFK a mutant, Nixon was ok, Jennifer Lawrence was all lvls of coolness, and there was a after credit scene.
the best part, the BEST part of the movie was sitting in between Colt and Matthew, stroking their inner thighs, at the same time.
so maybe Hugh Jackman's ass turn me on a bit.
i don't think it did anything for Matthew.
back to the new grotto (Spring Grotto?) for Imitation Chicken Enchilada and cake.
the boy (Colt) loves my Imitation Chicken Enchilada but it doesn't love him.
with 24 black candles encircling the 9x13 devil's food cake, adorned with fancy sprinkles, with the cheerful greeting of "Happy B-Day Assbut!", Colt made his wish.
and when asked if he wanted the ass or the butt, he wanted the butt.
Matthew left so me and Colt could have the night together, alone.
we played Lego Marvel Super Heroes, watch tv, and i do a birthday card reading.

(am i too close to him? too connected to see the truth? or is he just stuck with the same problems, over and over?)

Tuesday: i awake, Colt still passed out in the living room (he made me sleep in his bed, which is the source of "darkness") and i try to write a journal entry:
words fail me.
i sit, awake, in the early part of the day. he's asleep in the other room. there's another he, asleep across town.
and as much as i joke about it, i am overly bless to have these two.
i gave up on it and wrote Colt a long sappy letter.
i go back to sleep, wake up to hear the tv (i kept the bedroom door open the whole time). i take my shower, Colt sees me naked, he has raisin bran for breakfast (what the hell? is he that old?) and i had Imitation Chicken Enchiladas.
Matthew comes back, declining any breakfast.
at one point, Matthew is sitting on one couch, i'm crocheting on the floor, and Colt is laying on the other couch, while a Joss Whedon movie plays on the TV.

dear 16 yr old self, this is the peace you are looking for. i'm sorry it takes so long to find but it will do wonders for our souls.

it comes the time to say goodbye.
“Believe me 
I don’t want to go 

And it’ll grieve me 


I love you so”

he told me to be a big girl. crying, not saying a word, i hug him and get in the van and leave.
the ride back was uneventful.
a pit stop in Lebanon for Steak 'n Shake and then home.
we switch vans, hit Wal-Mart for much needed alcohol (hello Jack Daniel's Hard Cola, long time no see), pick up his mom, get TK’s pizza (and with Linn’s pizza back, you are not that great anymore) and settle in to watch Out of the Furnace.
Christian Bale was sexy, Woody Harrelson was pure evil, over all, good movie.
Wednesday: i awake to The Dark Knight Rises and watch it twice before making Matthew wake up. we hit Taco Bell for breakfast and come back home to watch Heat.
me and Matthew discuss the movie, how it influence The Dark Knight, Michael Mann at large, and it hits me.
i love Colt but not in love with him. he makes me happy. he makes me happy in ways that Matthew doesn’t.
Colt is fun. he’s sugar, candy, soda, staying up late, that bad movie you love to watch, all the things that are “bad” for you, a good time. he’s all fluff, no matter.
Matthew makes me think. we have great nerd talks for hours that’s covers the nerd world (Buffy, Batman, MCU). he is meat and potatoes, the real deal.
they balance me. combining them would result in in a supper-boyfriend, with the best of everything.
after the movie, i pack my car and make my way back to the Shack in the Woods.
and that’s my version of #thedarkbday.

June 12, 2014

5 yr blog, day 250

“Is something in your way? Can you move it?”

if there is, it’s me.

something is going down

i got sundown last night. this usually hits in the winter so this hitting me in freaking “summer”, i’m lost.
nothing like soul searching into the darkness part of your own soul to see what is hiding in there.
part of this is due to time and effort in writing #thedarkbday, another part is that i’ve been listening to The Phantom of the Opera A LOT lately.
oh Erik, my first love. you do know how to fuck with my mind. no other has ever been able to get inside my head like you.
i need to sit down and write some personal statements post. i think i need to work on “Red is My Favorite Color” first. and then a piece about Erik.
Erik, i’m not the same girl, hell i’m not even a girl anymore. from that first flirtation back in the fall of ’95 to this complicated forgotten relationship we have now, it’s been a long road.
i’m not writing today, anymore. today is about crocheting. i need to crochet.

June 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 249

“What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?”


coming up for air

dear Christmas on a stick.
i just got done typing, posting, and editing my version of #thedarkbday. it will be posted here on the 13th, right at midnight.
i hand wrote, back and front, almost 6 pages about theses 3 days.
and that’s with using shorthand.
and then came the hard part of typing it out. i typed it on my phone, using Evernote.
i don’t think i have ever put this much time and effort in writing anything.
in other news: this is my first day off after working 6 in a row. fuck this Christen workweek idea.
but tomorrow is a half day and plus hours for me. and then 2 days off in a row.
and one is Friday the 13th, full moon.
and then a Saturday off.
and i have to freaking be at the store at 7 AM and be alone for 3 hours.
BUT things will be ok next Tuesday. i’m having an overnight with Mathew in Rolla. it will be a fun date.

June 10, 2014

5 yr blog, day 248

“How many cups of coffee did you drink today?”

i don’t drink coffee.

June 9, 2014

June 7, 2014

June 6, 2014

5 yr blog, day 244

“Which family member are you the closest to?”

i’m not close to any of them.

June 5, 2014

5 yr blog, day 243

“What was the last fruit you ate?”

do not recall.

it's raining

i’m still alive, i think.
i’m still trying to write down #thedarkbday. it was a hell of time and my gods, i’ve learn so much about myself during that weekend.
and with txting Colt last night (he has the internet now!) i ended up crying in the bathroom.
who, me? a mess? yes.
anyhoots, i think i have found, maybe 2 (!) crochet groups on Facebook. so far, so good.
i keep getting ideas of making everyone i love an afghan. i’m insane with this idea.
and i so need to get one done soon.
and i want to make a baby one for Matthew’s friend. once they find out if it’s a boy or girl, i am good to go.
and i got the new Laurell K. Hamilton’s book. i’m about a third in and it’s great.
and i got The Uncanny Valley! have not watch all the extras but maybe in 6 days (coz i’m working 6 days in a row, grr) i can sit down and relax and watch it all.
i do have the 13th off. Mom wants to make steak thingys so i’m making fajitas. whoot!
i still need to get the ab lounger out, need to walk.
oh, nerd news! Captain America: The Winter Soldier and the first season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. both come out on the 9th of September. i have already started a Marvel fund.
me and Mathew are also having an overnight in 2 weeks at Rolla. i will make him watch Velvet Goldmine. he needs to see Batman bottom to Obi-Wan Kenobi.
and then it will be American Psycho time. i don’t know why i like watching that movie when we are in hotels.

June 4, 2014

June 3, 2014

June 1, 2014

5 yr blog, day 239

“On a scale of one to ten, how healthy are you?”

fuck you.