December 31, 2014

5 yr blog, day 452

“What is your most cherished memory of the year?”


look under “cuz we’re connected” for this year.
2013: nothing pops out at me. :-(

2014

i write so i don’t forget. 
today a tag will be used that has not been used in a long time: “work that ass.”
the following Tweets take place over the night of 2/25/2014.
“And behold, there shall come a time
when a shark of darkness meets a
bitter witch.
And the world will never be the same.”

driving home from work on April 30th, my boyfriend made mention that tomorrow (May 1st) would be our anniversary.
i’m still alive, i think.
past weekend was Matthew’s birthday weekend.
[for the first time in 13 years, i did not write at all for a whole month.]
dear 16 yr old self
my bday weekend was good.
if i don’t think about, i don’t get sad. 
Laurell K Hamilton was right; i need to write to get the demons out.


top movies of 2014
  1. Muppet’s Most Wanted
  2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  3. Interstellar
  4. Guardians of the Galaxy
  5. American Hustle
  6. X-Men: Days of Future Past
  7. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
  8. Transformers: Age of Extinction

December 30, 2014

5 yr blog, day 451

“List what you’ve eaten for the past week.”

hey look, same as last year, food!
2013: food.

December 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 450

“What are your top three wishes?”

i just want out. can i wish for that 3 times?

2013:
  1. pay off credit card
  2. move out
  3. i don’t know. a pony?

December 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 439

“Snuggle down or go out and play?”


play, then snuggle, snuggle hardcore.
2013: play, then snuggle, snuggle hardcore.

can i?



funny thing, last night i wanted to write. i got the words in my head, poems, and what all and then i get pen and paper and BOOM! nothing. nothing came out.
i did figure out with Colt, words fail me. there’s comfort in that. i’m not insane, just bleeding depressed.
did watch of all of American Horror Story Coven yesterday. it makes me want to do witchcraft.
can i pledge 30 mins to an hour a day to my room? do i have a playlist for that? just a white bag and slowly getting rid of shit i don’t need.
can i do 15?
can i just do it at all?

December 27, 2014

5 yr blog, day 438

“What was the last time you felt at peace?”




May 27, 2014. read about it here, “Part III: Boyfriend Prime”.
2013: 8/16/2013. read about it here, “daylight”.

December 26, 2014

5 yr blog, day 437

“On a scale of one to ten, how spontaneous were you today?”



less then zero.
2013: zero.

"That's what it's all about."




i posted this on my Facebook on Christmas Eve. wanted the world to see this:
When I was little, Christmas was special.
After Halloween, we had a month called November that had its own holiday, Thanksgiving. Maybe Christmas stuff started floating in the stores then, I don't remember.
I do remember that after Thanksgiving there was this excitement! "We only have 25 days to celebrate Christmas! Must put everything into!" And then there was songs, movies, shows on the TV and it was Christmas!
And that week from the 26 to the 2nd, no school and new toys, it was the Christmas afterglow. There was magick in the air, still.
Now, Christmas is out before Halloween, there's more Christmas in October then Halloween. It's shoved down our throats for 2 months and when the 26 hits, it's gone and we don't talk about it.
I don't have Christmas cheer. I get 25 days of Christmas cheer in me every year, and that burns out before Halloween anymore.
It's Windsday. Tomorrow is my one day off after working 6 in a row.
Remember on Friday, it never happened.

December 25, 2014

5 yr blog, day 446

“Write down five words that describe today.”



hey look! same as last year!
long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.
2013: long, boring, shitty, bad, depressing.


December 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 445

“Write down a recent transition.”


shit from the store.
2013: i brought lunch for me and Colt.

just stand there, awkwardly, while i cry




words fail me. we communicate with memes and emote, that’s why words fail me about him.
after work, i transfer into my human self and made my way to the fine dining of O-Town, Chez McDonald's. i wait, watch, trying to sort out the monster of the crochet gift for Shelby.
and he walked in like nothing has happen.
we sit, we chat. he’s on Grindr, he eats. we go to his truck. he opens his gifts. i open my gifts. we go to the store to get cat litter. he drives me back to my car. we say good bye. i drive away. a date with no hugs, just some inner thigh rubbing.
(i wanted the bones down do now i can go stream of conscience detail "krazy".)
i stare into his eyes. it's a thing i've done for years. his soul had change over time.
i saw something, in May, when he had been gone shy of 2 months. there was a spark. i didn't get a real chance to study him like i did last night.
but i did see something last night.
overall i did think he liked his gifts: kiddie blue backpack with a semi camo pattern in the silhouettes of sharks, a hat (a new version of the one he wears), Marvel lanyard, mini Marvel canvas print, Marvel lock box, Marvel playing cards (with instructions on how to divine) and a locket of salt.
i got 2 out of 3 gifts (scared to think what the third one is, something silver since he asked if i was a vampire, gods don't let it be a necklace, i wear the one and pissed off Matthew when i rejected his gift a few x-masses ago...)
i hope it's just his abs.
and i should have gotten out of his truck when he pulled out his video camera.
first box, small like a ring box. i did tell him that this proposal was crappy. after layers of paper, it was a glass penguin wearing a red scarf.
red, like his truck.
the next box i knew because he let it slip it was my shirt he started 9 months ago.
he wrote on the shirt:
  • “When in doubt, draw a salt circle.”
  • “Moo.”
  • “Don’t touch Lola.”
  • “I love you, don’t hit me.”
  • “I like her.”
  • “I am Iron Man.”
  • “At midnight we ride.”
  • “Don’t ask me, I’m a witch.”
along with a penguin, his sign, his version of my happy face and of course, out quote.
i told him is going to be awkward wearing his shirt while having sex with Matthew.
(we have the type of relationship that he blogs this beautiful love letter to me. blog post before, sexually feeling up a guy, one before that, his 3 way.)
his eyes, his best feature after his sharp canines (never been bitten but a girl can dream *sigh*) i looked deep and hard.
the theme of the night was transformation/change. what i see every day was all new and exciting to him
9 months he's been gone. i've been friendless in this cold and unloving hell. 9 months we go from random cells to filly formed beings.
in May, i saw a shine. Friday night i saw full shine, like the world after you clean your glasses after not being cleaned for a few weeks. you wipe away the dirt and I CAN SEE! everything is just brighter and shiny.
and that was how his eyes were Friday night, like polished glass. i dare say he found some form of happiness.
and for me.
he wrote in his blog "… she can sit there and cry while I awkwardly find something to do." (“Forward into the Past.) and think i know why.
everyone changes, everyone moves away, everyone grows up.
except me.
i'm stagnating and it took me till Friday night to truly see it.

“Everyone I knows, goes away in the end.”  (Cash)


he moved away and he's better for it. with his talk of going to the gym and girls (lesbians, but still girls) i feel that i will be left behind in this no name town.




“You are someone else, I am still right here.”  (Cash)


i want so bad to get better, to move out and on my own but i cannot get started. there is such a mental block in me, i cannot see a future for me that is better.
Marvel announced their movie line up till 2019. my fear is that i will be the same, single, childless, in the Shack in the Woods, when Avengers: Infinity War Part 2.






Works Cited
Cash, Johnny. “Hurt.” American IV: The Man Comes Around. American Recordings/Universal, 2002. iTunes.
“Forward into the Past.” The DarkShark. 18 Dec. 2014. Web. 24 Dec. 2014.

December 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 444

“What’s your favorite cereal?”


frosted flakes.
2013: frosted flakes.

December 22, 2014

5 yr blog, day 443

“Did you meet someone new recently? If so, who was it?”


no.
2013: in the past 3 months i did meet Tom.

December 21, 2014

5 yr blog, day 442

“If you could be the best at anything, what would it be?”




i want to be a better amerwitch.
2013: dudes, i’m the best amerwitch there will ever be. no need to wish for anything else.

December 20, 2014

5 yr blog, day 441

“What is your dream vacation?”



right now, and i know it will happen: 5th anniversary weekend in Springfield with Matthew, Colt, and Ultron.
2013: Walt Disney World for a week with Mathew.

December 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 440

"If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?”



to be done with the Yule time crocheting.
2013: Colt’s gift would be done.

December 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 439

“What do you like to talk about?”


anything and everything.
2013: anything and everything.

quickie from the hotel



need to write this quick before the bf wakes up/i wake him up.
went to Rolla for an overnight with Matthew. i gave him his Yule gift, all of Adam West Batman, limited edition Blu-ray. and a Batman t-shirt.
i hope to get mine soon.
and is it bad that you ask one boyfriend to get you a gift to get you closer to your other boyfriend?
in other news, Shelby is now on Twitter and i’m now part of another poly trio. that’s 2 all together now. :-/
as for Yule gifts, i don’t know if i’m gonna make it. pray for me.
on the flip side, i know what Colt is getting for his birthday. and Matthew for our anniversary.
i need to learn to stop crocheting. this would cut down on a lot of stress i have.
i got to go. check out is soon.

December 17, 2014

5 yr blog, day 438

“If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?”


Rosebud.
2013: Rosebud.

December 16, 2014

5 yr blog, day 437

“What so you find irresistible?”


boys with cats.
2013: in what? in life, men, women, cars? this vagueness just ain’t cute anymore.

December 15, 2014

5 yr blog, day 436

“Moderation or excess?”


both, at the same time.
2013: both. at the same time.

December 14, 2014

5 yr blog, day 435

“Why are you impressive?”


i am and i am not. show me a talent i didn’t think you had, that will impress me.
2013: so don’t understand this question at all.

December 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 434

“What is your biggest regret?”


i said my whole life last year, but the more i think about it, i’m here for a reason, for better or worse.
i have no regrets.
2013: my whole life.


December 12, 2014

5 yr blog, day 433

“What’s on your wish list?”


store brought dress and a pony.
2013: store brought dress and a pony.

December 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 432

“Where do you find joy?”


in the pure and simple.
2013: nowhere right now. nowhere.

dream of him


i'm at "the store" where i am trying to get away from customers who want me to help when i'm off the clock.
this all segues to me and Colt. broad detail: he's been living in a hotel for past few months.
we're in bed, fully dressed but Colt has shaved legs. i keep kissing him, where i want lips, he keeps turning and giving me cheek.
his back hurts and when i go to rub it, i find this girl's name across his shoulders, in letters you would put on a mailbox. i get a Sharpie and across his neck i write:
AMER
WITCH



December 10, 2014

5 yr blog, day 431

“What surprised you today?”


i did not run into trouble at town.
2013: how much happier i am working over in apparel.

December 9, 2014

5 yr blog, day 430

“What is your most recent act of generosity?”


i don’t recall.
2013: i don’t recall.

December 8, 2014

5 yr blog, day 429

“How ambitious do you feel today?”

this is the wrong time of year to ask this question.
2013: none.

December 7, 2014

5 yr blog, day 428

“Where do you see yourself next year?”



in my own place.
2013: no clue or i don’t want to say.

December 6, 2014

December 5, 2014

December 4, 2014

5 yr blog, day 425

“Do you want to know how it ends?”


like i said last year, what ends?
2013: what ends? the world? my life? Avengers 2?

December 3, 2014

5 yr blog, day 424

“On a scale of one to ten, how happy are you?”


low.
2013: right now, 7.

mess



Laurell K Hamilton was right; i need to write to get the demons out.
and now, the rest of the story.
after too long, i finished “The Pirate and the Witch”. i hope to get feedback from Colt today.
it was hard to write. i could see it clearly in my mind how it went. i had too many versions, between Word, Evernote and paper. but it’s done and it’s out there.
and i’m going to show Shelby.
in my need to be “female” i made Colt call me and gods, if i didn’t have to talk to the cat.
i really do have a type: boys wirh cats.
i kept the tears under control, until i had to say goodbye. couldn’t hide that from Colt.
told him to behave, hung up, cried, slept, woke up, cried.
i don’t know. i don’t know why it hurts so much; why i cry so much.
i don’t know why it hurts. i know there is a hole in my heart and nothing fills it.
and, this is just so strange for me to sort it all out. all these new labels i’m applying to myself, to define myself. this need to add adjectives before AMER, where 4 letters do not say it all anymore.
4 letters came about as a way to put it in simple form who i was/am. maybe it’s time to replace it all.
is this, some sort of “midlife” crises, being i’m 34 and still don’t know it all? am i blessed to be in this spot and not tied down to have this crisis?

December 2, 2014

5 yr blog, day 423

“What details from today would you like to remember?”


Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D..
2013: none

December 1, 2014

5 yr blog, day 422

“What would you like your epitaph to read?”


wife and loving mother.
2013: wife and loving mother.

November 30, 2014

November 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 420

“What five words describe your mood?”


tired, good, melancholy, hopeful, lonely
2013: stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed, stressed.

November 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 419

“What was the last risk you took?”


writing down the story: “The Pirate and the Witch.”
2013: changing jobs.

November 26, 2014

5 yr blog, day 417

“What three words describe your family?”


big, tall, mean.
2013: big, tall, mean.

November 25, 2014

5 yr blog, day 416

“How much water did you drink today?”


better than last year but not enough.
2013: not enough.

Escape (The Piña Colada Song)



so, i should write, right?
there’s this fun that’s been over me since Halloween. i can shake it off but there’s some nights, it just comes on strong.
i have realized something about work. i’m slacking at times because of this loneliness that haunts me.
i spend time with Matthew, i txt my Colt, i even have Shelby at work, but there’s a hole. it’s don’t matter how big, any boat will sink with a hole.
that is me. i’m slowly sinking. days i can stay above water, nights i just let the water over my head.
i am crocheting. i think that has been helping. making my crazy stuff for Nicole and Shelby. i feel, like i am doing something worthwhile when i got a hook and yarn in my hand.
if it’s not the yarn, it’s the drink. i am drinking at night, just to feel that buzz about me. not every night, but on the nights i am, i want to feel.
and music. my music is speaking to me. i find such solace in Johnny Cash’s “Hurt”. also, Pink’s “True Love” (me and Colt’s song) have been helping a lot too.
should i write more? should i make myself put words on paper, to get this mess out of my head? anymore, it’s a txt to a friend and not a post on this blog.
times have changed. i know i have. i just don’t know what i’m changing into.

November 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 415

“Who have you recently deleted from your contacts/address book?”



no.
2013: well, i did deleted someone from Facebook awhile back.

November 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 414


“What is your favorite brunch food?”


i don’t do brunch.
2013: really? this is a thing?

November 22, 2014

November 21, 2014

5 yr blog, day 412

“What are your favorite shoes?”



still don’t have a pair. i have shoes, i wear them when i need to.
2013: don’t have a pair.

November 20, 2014

5 yr blog, day 411

“What do you have to get done?”



my room. :-(
2013: my room.

November 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 410

“When was the last time you checked an online social network?”



I’M ALWAYS ON, ALL THE TIME!!!
2013: on one now.

November 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 409

“What is your dream job of the day?”



full time witch
2013: full time witch.

November 17, 2014

5 yr blog, day 408

“Which friends(s) did you last speak to?”



Matthew.
2013: Matthew.

November 16, 2014

5 yr blog, day 407

“What are you obsessed with right now?”


crocheting.
2013: Thor and all the Avengers.

November 15, 2014

November 14, 2014

November 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 404

“What song could be your self-portrait?”




still have not found a song that would be me.
as for a theme song for the now, i don’t have one. went kinda dark where the songs of Buffy and Muppet’s Most Wanted got to me. 
2013:  i’m more about my theme song for the now. never thought of a self-portrait.
i really don’t know what would be a good self-portrait for me. any ideas?


November 12, 2014

5 yr blog, day 403

“Is there anything missing in your life?”


Colt.
2013: loaded question. don’t know if i want to air them here.
children.


good hello?



i don’t know how to hash this out. here we go.
my brother got married. big ol’ white dress, Catholic wedding that ended up with a bunch of white, drunk girls dancing at the reception.
i didn’t understand any of it.
Matthew looked hot in his suit with purple shirt. damn hot.
while we were cleaning up, Mom fell down. long story short, she’s in the hospital now, had she shoulder worked on. don’t know any more due to my ass of a father not wanting to tell anyone anything.
so then!
Colt wrote a story, posted it on his blog Sunday night. i was in my warm bed, with a warm boyfriend, and end up crying while reading it. i was in it and no, that’s not the reason i cried.
now, at this time, i don’t feel the darkness. i don’t know if i was Matthew being up here or the wedding being over. i wouldn’t say i’m better, just better?
i don’t know. i’m not looking forward in being stuck taking care of my mother for weeks on end. i know my father will be no help and i’ll be tied up with so much shit i don’t be able to see straight.
i’m going to crochet.

November 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 402

“What do you always avoid?”


i don’t know. it changes so often that i can’t keep up.
2013: creepers at work, ass mangers Chris.

November 10, 2014

November 9, 2014

5 yr blog, day 400

“Did you leave work on time?”


off today.
2013: was off today.

November 8, 2014

5 yr blog, day 399

“What topic are you bored talking about?”



sometimes when Matthew goes on about Star Trek too much.
2013: nothing.

November 7, 2014

5 yr blog, day 398

“Who is your hero?”


i don’t feel i have any heroes right now. ask me again next year.
2013: THOR!!!

November 6, 2014

5 yr blog, day 397

“What time did go to bed last night?”



about same time as the last few days.
2013: way too late.

November 5, 2014

5 yr blog, day 396

“What should remind as-is?”


nothing.
i need a change.
2013: nothing.


November 4, 2014

November 3, 2014

5 yr blog, day 394

“When did you last hold a baby?”


longer ago when Elle was one.
2013: long ago when Elle was one.

November 2, 2014

5 yr blog, day 393

“What’s your biggest expense right now?”


still, my credit card. :-/
2013: my credit card.

darkness



if i don’t think about, i don’t get sad.
if i don’t txt anyone anything mopy, i won’t get sad.
if i don’t drink to feel better, i won’t get sad.
going over the list of things that have made me depressed in the past, i shouldn't be sad.
it’s this box i feel i’m in. i don’t have any friends nearby. it’s a 2 hour drive before i hit a friend.
and it’s that walls that keeps closing in on me at night.
the time changed. it got dark at 5, pitch black. i was scared of sun down hitting me.
and the true sign, i didn't do anything for Halloween. i didn't even take pics of my pumpkins.
and within all this blerk, Colt is like some kind of iceberg mirage.
it didn't help that he wrote this a few weeks ago.
or maybe it did.
we started this “joke” based off a quote from Iron Man 3 that “We’re connected” and sometimes i think it gets out of hand.
i had Imitation Chicken Enchiladas. he had gas.
i get pregnant, he’ll get the morning sickness.
he had his Facebook pic with him and another girl and part of me died a bit.
and Mathew, my “real” boyfriend actually said if Colt was still in town, i could cuddle with him after a bad day of work.
not having a boyfriend, made me depressed. i have two. i shouldn't feel this way.
is it the PTSD from being in electronics and Black Friday coming towards me?
just why? i should not be this way! I SHOULD NOT!

November 1, 2014

5 yr blog, day 392

“What was something you couldn't do today?”


hide.
2013: relax.

October 31, 2014

5 yr blog, day 391

“Halloween plans? What’s your costume?”


nothing.
2013: my plans are to go over to Colt’s for tacos and spook movies and a bit of magick.
i’m basically dressings as "myself”.


October 30, 2014

5 yr blog, day 390

“Are you able to tell when you had enough?”


to drink, yes and no.
2013: enough what?

October 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 389

“Camping or hotel?”


hotel. hotel with a whirlpool, even better.
2013: hotel. willing to try camping. told Matthew it might be fun to sleep in a tent in the backyard one night. 

October 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 388

“___ is completely ridiculous.”


till 2019, i got dates with Matthew, Colt, and the MCU.
2013: the fact the inbreed rednecks of Arkansas think we can do what we do with no people and no hours.

lakebday




my bday weekend was good. got to Matthew's and we made our way to the lake. they've added roads so Google Maps was helpful.
the hotel was not on the strip, but next to Miner Mike's and across the street from the mall. the room, oh my gods.
2 room suite, real bathroom with a phone and a freaking whirlpool tub! and a purple couch, mood lighting, giant bed with lots of pillows, 2 TVs, free Wi-Fi, mini fridge, microwave, IT WAS FREAKING GREAT!
dress and went to Pappos Pizzeria And Pub. pizza was ok but it TOOK FOREVER!!!
to Wal-Mart to get soap for the whirlpool. the liquor STORE is bigger than the electronics department at our store. i want to transfer.
back to the hotel.  Mathew went to watch baseball and i.  and I!  
2 hours in the tub. 2 glorious hours would have been longer if my phone hadn't died.
I'm posting this using the hotel free wifi.
I'm in a dark bathroom, in a whirlpool with too many lavender bubbles, eating pizza, drinking white rum with cherry Dr Pepper, and by gods if Pandora playing the good tunes now!
Happy bday to me!
into bed with Matthew, a bed that could have hold a third...
next day was my bday. 
breakfast was at Taco Bell. then to the mall.
maybe i'm out of touch with reality. maybe the definition of outlet has changed. fucking shit was full price. 2 dress shirts for $189 is not a deal.
i did get a book, The She-Hulk Diaries by Marta Acosta. it's a sorts spoof of Brigid Jones. i really liked it. ending was kinda sappy but i liked it.
Matthew spent $100 for 2 Ralph Polo shirts. $50 for one shirt.
back to Matthew's to get my car to drive to Rolla.
and this pisses me off. he won't clean Granny's house so we can spend the night in his room. he wanted me and him to sleep in his dad's twin bed. Motherfucker! we sleep in a twin bed at my house. we get a full size bed at his place! nope. he spent the money to get another hotel room.
Rolla was the same as always. Colton's was nice, embarrassed by singing wait staff, Wal-Mart for stuff, and a night of watching the Royals winning.
woke up Monday and me and Matthew parted ways.
i got home and me and Mom head to Jeff to get my new glasses.
and that was my 34th birthday.
PS: Shelby got me a Buffy doll!

October 27, 2014

5 yr blog, day 387

“What was the last goofy thing you did?"

told someone that i did not want to cuddle with their cat.
2013: truly? save a toy kitty from the jackass at the service desk.

October 26, 2014

5 yr blog, day 386

“How do you feel about your body?”

fine.
2013: today, ok. fat and a bit gooy.

October 25, 2014

5 yr blog, day 385

“What is the most honest thing you’ve said today?”


i don’t recall. been keeping things to myself.
2013: whatever it was i know it was to Colt. i’m almost overly honest with him. 

October 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 384

“How are you? Write it in a rhyming couplet (two lines of verse that rhymes and have the same rhyme).”


work sucked
everything fucked.

2013:
today was the same old, some old
and now in my room, it grows cold and cold.



October 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 383

“Who is the last person on your missed calls?”

Matthew.
2013: Matthew. 

October 22, 2014

5 yr blog, day 382

“Write a haiku about your day.”



two days off, in row,
fix me and my car, free time
inventory, morrow.

2013:
Wal-Mart I went to,
not mine, another i go,
Krazy, again, broke.




October 21, 2014

5 yr blog, day 381

“What new word have you learned?”


really have not learn any new worlds lately.
2013: fag hag.

October 20, 2014

October 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 379

“What was your last credit card purchase?”


soap and vitamins at the store.
2013: Much Ado About Nothing, on blu-ray. 

October 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 378

“What famous living famous person would you want to meet for drinks?”

still Joss.
2013: Joss.

October 17, 2014

5 yr blog, day 377

“What’s the most valuable thing you own?”


my friends.
2013: money wise or what i prize?
my laptop. i think.


October 16, 2014

5 yr blog, day 376

“You woke up at ___.”

quarter to 8 AM.
2013: quarter to 9 AM.

October 15, 2014

5 yr blog, day 375

“How much time do you spend commuting?”

same as last year’s answers. what i have learn is that there’s this space/time thing. the slower i go from Belle to Owensville, the faster i get to the store.
2013: takes about 45 mins to get to work, an hour to get back.

October 14, 2014

5 yr blog, day 374

“What expression do you overuse?”


“My show’s on.”
2013: ask the Darkshark.

October 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 373

“You have no patience for___”.

lack of myself.
2013: myself.

October 12, 2014

October 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 371

“What makes you feel wonderful?”

not having to work tomorrow.
2013: today, the fact i got Much Ado About Nothing.

October 10, 2014

5 yr blog, day 370

“Write down the name of someone you had a good conversation with recently.”

no one.
2013: fucking Colt. :-(

October 9, 2014

October 8, 2014

5 yr blog, day 368

“What is your biggest dream?”

moving out.
2013: children. having them, pregnancy, birth.

October 7, 2014

5 yr blog, day 367

“Are you happy with your choices today?”


no.
2013: sorta. should have gone to bed earlier than 5 AM. need to work on my room and diet. did get money sorted out.

October 6, 2014

5 yr blog, day 366




ok chickens, here’s what we’re doing now.
done with year 1 of 5 yr blog. now is the fun of referring to previous years views!

“Do you have any new friends?”



Shelby.
2013: Colt. in fact, he’s part of my 3.
Tom might rank up here one day.


October 5, 2014

5 yr blog, day 365

“What questions makes you anxious?”

”Do you work here?”

October 3, 2014

5 yr blog, day 363

”What was the last bad movie you watched?”

Transformers: Age of Extinction.

October 1, 2014

5 yr blog, day 361

“What are you a geek about?”


first, it’s nerd.
second, i’m all about Joss Whedon, the MCU, and Doug Walker.

September 30, 2014

5 yr blog, day 360

“How do you get out of a rut?”

still trying to sort that out.

i can tell



here i am, the eve before my month. it’s Okotber somewhere right now, and in an hour or so, it will be here.
it also marks the 6 months that my The DarkShark has been gone.
my birthday is this weekend, and my boyfriend has made good plans for it. i’m looking forward to it and hope a good time will be had by all.
i feel that this will be my month. that i can get things done to move onto the next lvl.
i need to move on.
along with everything, the changes of the season, the knowledge my god will die soon, the start of season 2 of Agents of S.H.E.I.L.D., some things stay the same.
it’s the flowing water/shift in the dance that is always the same and really needs to change the most of all.
you know how i know?

September 29, 2014

5 yr blog, day 359

“Bad news: sugarcoated or straight-up?”

straight-up. never sugarcoat that.

September 28, 2014

5 yr blog, day 358

“How hungry are you right now?”

not at all.

you want to know my secret?




recently i had a friend fall into the dumps and become mopy and sad.
while trying to bring him up, i was thinking over my feelings and emotions that i have and i realized something:
i’m always angry.
back when Avengers came out, we had this wonderful Hulk doll. you press his stomach and he would say “HULK SMASH! HULK SMASH NOW! (dramatic pause) HULK READY TO FIGHT!” i often went to him to hear his words and found strength in them. you can’t be down if you are angry.
and two years later, i am angry all the time. this is my base lvl, mildly piss off. i don’t quickly fly off the handle; i’m not on the handle to start with.
so, i really don’t have the effort to be sad. it’s anger, all day, all night, all the time.
and i’m happy about this.

September 27, 2014

5 yr blog, day 357

“Do you handle rejection well?”

i don’t handle acceptance well.

September 26, 2014

5 yr blog, day 356

“Today was amusing because___.”


i worked 9 to 5 and everyone burst into Dolly Parton when i told them that.

September 25, 2014

5 yr blog, day 355

“Do you plan, or are you flying by the seat of your pants?”

both.

September 24, 2014

5 yr blog, day 354

“When was the last time you went dancing?”


i don’t remember.

September 23, 2014

5 yr blog, day 353

“Write down a quote for today.”

”Happy Marvel Mabon! Blessed be, motherfuckers.”

September 22, 2014

5 yr blog, day 352

"What shocking news have you recently learned?”

nacho bar at my brother’s wedding.

September 21, 2014

5 yr blog, day 351

“Where do you think your road is going?”

nowhere fast.

September 20, 2014

5 yr blog, day 350

“What’s your favorite television show?”

all time, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
right now, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D..

September 19, 2014

5 yr blog, day 349

“What’s a new place you’ve recently been to?”

fetlife.com

September 18, 2014

5 yr blog, day 348

“A decision you made today ___.”

not to do all the shoe freight.

September 17, 2014

September 16, 2014

5 yr blog, day 346

“What would you want to study at school?”

witchcraft.

life is the same and changes all the time



so, hi. how does this thing work?
so i didn’t write for the entire month of August. something happen to me and i lost my shit. i have not fully recover but i think i’m doing better.
Nicole has been helpful. maybe i just need to txt her more. we are both finding new things about ourselves and it’s been scary.
and the odd thing, i tried and tried to write down about my weekend with my men. i ended up typing it up on my phone using Evernote. it was the only form that worked for me. it was a deeper look into my soul then my other journal entries and to be only to write it on my phone, it was/is odd to me.
mundane things: Captain America: The Winter Solider and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. came out and my store had AoS on blu ray! big win for me!
and sending someone a $60 Wal-Mart gift card with no instructions a week before Marvel movies come out, with a txt saying it’s Marvel money, still adds up to not knowing what to do with the gift card.
gods, i miss my DarkShark so much this past few weeks i’ve cried.
and boo to him and not liking my suicide story.
the boyfriend is not coming up here for our monthly visit, due to reasons. i hope he can make it for my birthday.
funny, last year’s birthday was a trip to Springfield. i like to go back.
i don’t know what all to write about. work sucks, i miss Colt, and Matthew is Matthew.
life is the same and changes all the time.

September 15, 2014

September 14, 2014

September 13, 2014

5 yr blog, day 343

“Write down a minor, but chronic, problem.”



if it’s chronic, then it’s not a minor problem.

September 12, 2014

September 11, 2014

5 yr blog, day 341

“What advice would you give a second-grader?”


don’t worry about what other people say. you are awesome as you are.

September 10, 2014

5 yr blog, day 340

“This is utterly confounding ___.”


that i’m turned on by gay men, drag queens, and nude women.

September 9, 2014

5 yr blog, day 339

“What comes to your mind when you think of fear?”


the dark and the unknown.

September 8, 2014

5 yr blog, day 338

“Who are you jealous of?”


not saying.

nothing's been the same




dear 16 yr old self,
hi. how are you?
i know this should have been written a long time ago but i'm just now to the point where i'm not crying all the time to write. let me gleam from my hand written notes: 

plans never work out. family sucks, tires blow out, and it wasn't until 11ish on Tuesday (8/5/2014) i roll south to where my men live.

men. yup. that and Sam Smith's "Stay With Me" will fuck with us, hardcore, this weekend.
made it to Matthew's. took an hour for him to get ready and then we start heading deeper into the south.
we hit Springfield. a bite to eat at Stake & Shake, roll by the hospital to see Matthew's dad, drop our things at the hospital hotel, and we make our way to Colt's newer grotto.
it's nice. he has a dining area, with a table and chair and he grew up to get a big boy's bed, sans frame but he's still young.
i did get to meet the cat, Shadow. why do i fall for guys with cats? is this my type?
after some internetting, we agree to see Guardians of the Galaxy, in 3D, in IMAX. but first, Chili's!
i ride with Colt. we talk.
at Chili's is where things gets, interesting.
we sit at tall table, Matthew, me, Colt, and i had the best time. at one point, Matthew was rubbing my arm while Colt was rubbing my leg.
at the same time.
and if i wasn't so shy i would have gone up to the bartender and told him we thought he was cute, who would he give his number too?
on our way to the movie, again me risking life by riding with Colt.
and he was all sorts of handsy with me. it got kinda creepy. bastard tried to kiss me, on the cheek but still!
we get in the theater, hit the restrooms (weak men still needed to use the john during the movie), find seats too close and settle in for a movie about a talking raccoon and his tree-person.
we get to the point where they tell us to put on the glasses. then the logo for Imax plays.
remember Disney World and Honey I Shrunk the Audience? it was like that.
i think Colt wet himself.
so the movie!
i... words... colors... Groot?
i still don't know how to processes this movie. it's MCU but it didn't feel like it.
too much cussing.
and when they showed Abs Pratt's Chris and Colt about clawed my arm off.

(and why the hell, last two comic book movies i've been to, this and X-Men, they show our hero's nearly nude/nude body, it turns Colt on but not me? am i that dead on the inside?)

the movie was good, overall. it felt rushedish. there just wasn't any part to breathe it all in and pause.
James Gunn, just slow down a hair. it will be ok. 10 seconds here or there will help the movie.
after the movie we head back to Colt's till he kicks us out for a booty call.
me and Matthew head to the hotel for the night.
next day, me and Mathew eat at a local nice place called Chedder's. Matthew even gets me a Rob Roy.
we make our way to Colt's again. Matthew dips out so i can do a card reading.
me and Matthew needed to head back north, Colt had to work later, so we said our goodbyes and i left my DarkShark once again.
the trip north, thinking about my date with my men, the movie, "Stay With Me" playing over and over, left me so out of sorts. I felt disconnected with the reality i live in. like, somehow, this was some crazy ass fantasy from a Laurell K Hamilton book, this real date, dinner and a movie, with two guys, who both love and adore me.
this can't be my life. my life doesn't warrant me being pretty enough, cool enough, thin enough to have my own Angel/Spike combo loving over me. for the love of Joss Whedon, Buffy never had to deal with Spike and Angel fighting over her!
Joss, i blame you for this mess and i blame you for not giving me the tools to cope with it.
bloody hell.
get to Waynesville, get my car, and me and Matthew head north to Rolla for another night in a hotel.
leave our stuff at the hotel, head to Colton's. i start eating peanuts in hopes it would ground me. Matthew gets me a martini, we eat, and i still feel out of sorts.
back to the hotel, i take a bath, a real bath, not a shower. i pour a tiny bottle of shampoo for bubbles, and soak.
i've had/been having these needs to submerge myself in water. going to the pool helped, but there still is this longing. like i need a baptism of some sorts.
out of the bath, rinse off shower, try the massaging shower head, pjs, and some down time and then bed.
woke up to rain. seemed appropriate.  
said goodbye to Matthew. Taco Bell for brunch, chill while i notice massive traffic due to an accident on I-70, get home, Matthew calls me to tell me Puppy died...
and that was the trip in a nutshell.
and every time i heard "Stay With Me" (and they played it at work!) i cry. that bloody song by the gorgeous voice, British, gay, white boy, pulls on me. been like that for a month.
along with August, i had to get a new phone. and while setting it up like my old one, i tweaked my home page with a folder that holds direct lines of communication with Matthew, Nicole, and Colt.
i call it "Poly Quad".
i know of of polyamorous, reading Laurell K Hamilton will do that. and i joke when i say i have 2 boyfriends and a girlfriend.
but i'm not laughing now.
i love Colt. i think i love him as much as i love Matthew. i'm not in love with Colt. i know that. what I feel for the boy is not the same kind love i have for Matthew but it's still love.
i worked 6 days in a row, 50 hours, and at the end, i wanted to crawl into a big bed and watch Batman or Avengers.
and depending on the movie depends on which guy i would be with.
i don't think Matthew understands all this. i'm just now getting a gripe on it.
Nicole, the only girl who i ever kissed, told me to get on fetlife.com (and the fact my phone auto's after 2 letters, from the beginning, is freaky as hell) and boy, nothing like staring into your soul to find yourself.
i’m going to be 34 this year. i really thought i had a strong gripe of who I am. Erik Erikson's theory of development is something i believe in. it has shaken my core to think i’m not fully form yet.
i thought i was a cookie, not cookie dough.