21 years

• a day ago: work.
• a week ago: finishing up a 3-day weekend.
• a month ago: watching the season finale of Euphoria.
• six months ago: i ended 8 days in a row at work.
• a year ago: still in a pandemic, but maybe there was some light there.
• three years ago: i was working on my card readings.
• five years ago: whatever had happened, i didn’t want to remember it.
• ten years ago: had a very different set of goals that i wanted to do. i wouldn’t be able to do them due to bullshit.
• fifteen years ago: i thought my then boyfriend could give me everything i ever wanted.
• twenty years ago: Ray kissed me.

where do i begin?

i have been blogging for over 21 years. 21 years, looking at notebooks and Word, putting down thoughts and feeling on some type of paper, and then the internet.

i am not the girl from 20 years ago. she was a straight white girl and not the wonderful queer mess i am today.

i am content with where i am. it’s the not the best but i am not at the bottom of anything.

here’s for 21 more years.

weekly update

26% for the year, 104% for the month, 65% average! D! whoot!

among doing the work, i hit a bump that led me to an awaking.

my main question to myself was why was not working on theses goals? i know this is a year long project but i should be up to 25% for the year and i was just dragging my feet on everything.

and then it hit me.

what happens when i get all my goals done? what happens when i get everything done on this list?

and that is what i’m scared of. i am scared of the after. i’m scared of hitting all the marks and having free time. i didn’t put any goals for writing this year. if i get everything done, i could write. i could work more on my witchcraft. i could read more, work out more, meditate more. what could i not do?

and that is what i want and scared of working for it.

and now that is a shadow that has been chasing me, i’m chasing it.

i am going to be that bitch to get shit done!

here. i. go.

with a card reading yesterday and some thinking, i am seeing my faults better.

my fear of achieving all my goals means that i will have put real work on myself. that would lead me to being better and making others have to be better.

that would be also making my happy.

it would give me time to work on other projects. i didn’t put anything down this year about writing fiction.

or better myself as a witch.

or work on making my body better.

or just be able to finish some project i started years ago.

time to get off my ass and get to work!

BLAR!

i make list, i make plans. i put things all down to math. i still feel that i am not getting anywhere.

there is also the horrible realization of by not doing any of the goals i will still be a failure and ain’t that what i am?

am i just scared of not having anything left on this list? am i scared that i will have time to do more things that are better for me (reading, walking, meditating, writing)?

as much as i want to push Matthew, i need to be pushing myself.

i need to forget about bringing others up to my lvl and start raising mine.

the plans i make i need to follow them thought.

i need to stop being scared of things. i need to dig my hands into the good earth and start planting what i want to harvest by fall.

i want Halloween to be a blow out and that shit starts now.

weekly update

i’m 83% for the month, 21% for the year, giving me a F average. i’m getting there.

i did revamp my list. i’ve added a #ToDoList part. a small part of my 2022 goals is doing the small things around that need to be done.

i don’t know if this will up my numbers or i’m just gaslighting myself into thinking this is better for me.

i do hope to get more done on Sunday.