PRIDE, Day 29

What first made you realize you were queer?

 

Tumblr.  Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft

“Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft.”

“You’re a witch. Isn’t that what you do?”

“Not like this.”

“What did you do?”

“I think a love spell.”

“You don’t even know what spell you did? Start from the beginning!”

“Well, I don’t know when I did it.”

“Don’t make me open this flask. And I am not sharing.”

“I was thinking of my Tinder profile and I realized I got what I asked for and maybe I made it a spell.”

“What does your profile say?”

“Queer Witch looking for a partner.
Partner should be a whole person, knows who they are, and what they want in this life.”

“Nice.”

“And I got that.”

“With HIM.”

“Yeah.”

“I am not going to forgive you for this.”

“I keep thinking of more witchcraft I can do.”

“On who?”

“On me. For this.”

“Baby Gurl, you got all of this without magic.”

“So, I shouldn’t do anything more?”

“You should do it all. Go for blood.”

“I got a date in a month.”

“Get off your ass and start The Work!”

“Yes Mother.”

PRIDE, Day 27

Tell me something you really like about yourself.

 

I am fucking happy right now.  Prompts can be found here.

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

PRIDE, Day 25

Do you prefer to use really specific labels, vague labels, no labels, or a combination for yourself?

 

It depends on whom I’m with.

On Tinder I say I am listed as asexual, demisexual, queer, beyond binary.

Often, I list myself as a queer witch when asked what gender I am.

I like the vagueness of queer. Ya don’t know what exactly you are getting but you know it ain’t straight.

And if you want my very specific label, I am assigned female at birth non-binary, demisexual.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 23

What's a little thing that's really gender affirming for you?

 

I have always wanted a nose ring. I finally got one on my 41st birthday. It was just a small crystal stud. When I saw my face with it, I almost started crying.

This is how my face was supposed to look like. I was always to have a nose ring.

It made me feel more like myself.

I tried a hoop and it did not work. I have been rocking a stud and it’s been the best thing for me. 

 Prompts can be found here.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

PRIDE, Day 21

Tell me about an outfit that makes you feel really good about yourself, or alternatively, an outfit you'd love to wear.

 

Give me jeans, t-shirt, flannel over that, black hoodie over that, hair up under a black Carhart stocking cap, that’s where it is.

Pic is the closest I have to that outfit. 

 

 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 19

Have you ever tried drag? Is it something you'd like to do?

 

I’m non-binary so everyday feels like drag.

As being the drag queen/king, no I haven’t.

I do keep coming up with an idea of a drag king idea. I don’t know if I ever get it out of my head and onto a stage.  Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 17

Have you ever changed your name? If so, how did you choose your name (or names if you use multiple)?

 

STORY TIME! 

When I was in college, I was a Music Ed Major. I had to go to many shows. There was always a sign-in sheet to prove I was there. 

I started signing my whole Catholic name, A** M******* E******** R**********. I would print it out and take up large amount of space on the paper. 

I forgot who told me I was taking up too much space, I started using my initials: AMER. My voice teacher saw that and said “Oh, amer. That’s bitter in French!” 

And I ran with it. I dubbed myself Amerwitch and claimed it where I could on the internet. 

And now that I learned that amer is the masculine form, I love it even more.

 Prompts can be found here.

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE

“Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE.”

“TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!”

“I was so out of my element. And there were so many people there and furries.”

“In this weather?”

“And there was a lot of tails...”

“Tell me about HIM.”

“I want to preface this with they use any pronouns and I am just going with he/him for the time being.”

“Fair. What about HIM?”

“And now my brain goes blank.”

“Just start shooting.”

“He was all over the place because he was a volunteer for PRIDE. He also said he volunteers for the Trevor Project.”

“Wow.”

“HE like the Phantom movie and Gerard Butler as Phantom.”

“Oh gods.”

“He vapes and was wearing off brand crocs.”

“Is there any good news?”

“This morning my brain kept keeps going to back to one thought about last night.

“I met a fully formed person. This person was built on the life they lived. This was a choose your own adventure where it went off the rails and end at PRIDE.

“Matthew is not fully formed. I said after rewatching The Sopranos, I see so much he copied off that show as his personality. That and American Psycho.

“And HIM is fully formed?”

“I think of it as I am joining HIS show at season 38 and I am trying to play catch up. Kinda like dropping into the middle of Supernatural and trying to catch all the lore without watching all the back seasons.”

“HE’s got a lot of catching up with you. But that will be for another time. Where are you going from here?”

“I want to get to know HIM better. I think this could be a friendship.”

“And?”

“I want to start there. I realized that while I thought the whole purity culture didn’t affect me but I got some things I need to unpack.”

“Well then. What is our next step?”

“Keep on txting. See what happens next.”

“Loose with all the plans?”

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Bitch.”

PRIDE, Day 15

When did you first figure out you were queer? Do you still use the same labels you did back then?

 

Once upon a time I was Tumblr and through scrolling I found the word asexual and then demisexual. Once I found the world demisexual, I knew that was for me. That was about 10 years ago.

Non-binary was found out 5 years ago. I am AFAB and after thoughts, I realized that I didn’t want to be a woman any more. I sure as shit don’t want to be a man. And after some thoughts, I decided on the term non-binary.

And really, the colors of the asexual flag are pretty and the non-binary flag pairs will with it.

DiD yOu PiCk YoUr SeXuAlItY aNd GeNdEr BaSeD oN tHe FlAg DeSiGnS?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Non-binary is the term and flag I feel the best about for my gender.

I keep seeing more microlables and flags and some of them seem better to describe me. Asexual is a nice umbrella term that I stand under.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 13

Are there any pronouns you really like but don't use?

 

There are no pronouns that I don’t like, in general. For me, I am still trying to sort things out as a she/her non-binary.

 Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I am not who I was

“Bless me Mother for I am not who I was.”

“And who are you, dear child?”

“You may not know but I was once a 20 something that met a rando on the internet (at the time it was scary and everyone you met off the internet was a serial ax murder) and willing to drive 3 hours, to the BIG CITY, to pick them up from the airport, to bring them to my house.”

“And now what?”

“I am a 40 something that is scared to drive an hour to a Small City, that i know really well, to meet a rando (who seems really nice) at PRIDE.”

“You have fallen.”

“I have grown up and much more jaded.”

“That too.”

“I haven’t done this shit in over 20 years.”

“You need to get out there!”

“I know that! I am trying! I didn’t think it would be this hard, finding a human I like.”

“Well, you are on Tinder.”

“At one point I was getting better results on Grindr.”

“Gurl.”

“I never once lied on that app.”

“Anyway, about PRIDE. Whatcha wearing?”

“Jeans and my purple shirt. Makeup is gonna be a smear of glitter eyeshadow. And I got my pin that says ‘I only look straight.’”

“Classy.”

“I just don’t know if I give off queer vibes or not. Gods, I don’t want to be looked at as an ally.”

“Eww.”

“I know.”

“Well, I hope to take your confession after PRIDE and I hope it is a juicy one.”

“Mother!”

“Get it Gurl!”

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 9

What's your favorite form of self-expression?

 

I like screaming into the void. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 7

How would you describe your sexual and/or romantic orientation?

 

Panromantic demisexual. 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 5

What's your favorite thing about being queer?

 

I feel free from anything that is “white woman” coded because I am not a woman.

Prompts can be found here.

i do need to refocus

again, it hit me the other day.

i have time. i can use that time for things.

things like working out.

i don’t know why it takes me so long to sort this shit out.

i do need to focus myself. i need to sit down and write out a plan on what the hell i want to do and when to do it. i am burning time when i could be burning myself and becoming something better.

PRIDE, Day 3

How would you describe your gender identity?

Non-binary! Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 1

Have you ever been to a pride event?

Not yet. Prompts can be found here.