what the fuck is wrong with me?

what the fuck is wrong with me?

i really would like to know.

i am in an unending cycle: i hit a bottom, i make plans on getting better, i do the plans for a bit, stop, hit bottom, make plans on getting better, i do the plans for a bit, stop, hit bottom, etc. etc. etc.

why can’t i break out of it, once and for good? why can’t i be a fully functioning adult? for fuck’s sakes, i’m going to be 42 next week!

i have identify the problem. now i need to work on this shit. i need to drag myself out of this circle, into a new shape.

do i put the answer on a book i will buy and not read for year? another tarot deck? some flaky ideal posted on Tumblr? shadowwork?

is this a letdown of Autumn starting? is this me reacting to all the retrogrades (that i don’t believe in)? the new moon? my impending birthday?

i’m on a step but i don’t know which one.

i am going to have to claw my way out of this pit, once and for all.

i can do it. i can claw my way out.

there is no way for me to go but up.