last update for fucking August!
this August has not been as bad as year’s past. i don’t know what happen to me or August but, we made it.
i am remembering other Augusts. the one where i saw Guardians of the Galaxy and didn’t write for a whole month because i could not image that i would have 2 guys, TWO, sitting with my at Chili’s, one stocking my thigh, the other my arm , both of them loving me. my inner 4-year-old was beside herself.
and now i’m toying with the idea of being someone’s boyfriend.
i am done with all my September’s goals. i want to start new stuff. i want to try to get into a daily practice, get back into my witchcraft books, become a better witch.
i feel that i am becoming better is many areas, that i need to step up my witchcraftness.
i am trying to be off my phone more and stop playing computer games that don’t go anywhere.
“Bless me Mother, for I am queer.”
“Baby Gurl, you were born this way.”
“No, it’s more complicated than that.”
“Go on.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Try.”
“You know how there are women on the internet and how they only dated men and then started dating woman and had a whole ass epiphany?”
“Yes…”
“It has happened to me.”
“Wait, I thought you were texting a guy?”
“AMAB.”
“Do I need to open a bottle are you going to get with it?”
“Ok, so he’s listed as man/non-binary and bisexual and having gone on one date, is very queer. And I have only dated cis-het men.”
“What about bisexual Matthew?”
“I don’t think anything about him was real, including him saying he was bi.
“Anyway, the way he flirts with me, hits on my queerness like nothing before. With Colt, it’s fun to play straight because we’re not. With Him, we give off the idea of cis-het but we are not.
“You know how I like to dress as Dean Winchester in the winter months and that give me all the gender euphoria? I feel so fem when I dress butch.
“I was dressed fem for the date and he made me feel butch.”
“How was that?”
“I was surprised but I like it.”
“And today?”
“I mention I felt like I could fight a bear and that I know I can take a twink out and He said the last line was beautiful and that ‘There is definitely a bear interested in taking you on….’”
“Oh my.”
“And then there was something I said out loud.”
“What was it?”
“I said out loud that I want to be his boyfriend. It goes with the fact He uses all pronouns and I could say, ‘She’s my boyfriend.’”
“But you don’t like male pronouns and honorifics. Expect to be called Daddy.”
“Four-year-old me would be so surprised that instead of wanting a boyfriend, to want to be a boyfriend.”
“He makes you feel like a real queer.”
“I don’t like how you said it but it’s true. I feel like he sees my queerness. He sees that part that is me. He sees me like I want to see myself.”
“Nicole never made you feel queer?”
“It’s different with her. I think because she’s fem and I’m fem that we give off lesbian vibes. It’s not that I have to prove anything with her.”
“Is it because Matthew never saw you as queer but that you had all the right parts?”
“Is it because he’s a “guy” and he sees me as queer?”
“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.”
“Yes Mother.”
another week of just moving the barest of inches.
i keep adding to this year’s goals and, am i pushing myself or just insane? or both?
i need to stop with the time wasting of phone and video game. i need to focus on The Work.
it’s also the idea that it is still August and nothing is suppose to get done in August. i have hit my goal for September already so, working on October.
i am moving by the smallest of inches.
i gave up on a “clean” August and had fun last night.
HE made me think of a poem and of witchcraft.
and the texting is getting a bit, risqué.
Colt calls him my boyfriend but i can firmly say he’s a crush. i do have a crush on him. it’s as far as i want to call it.
and with talking to the new kittens last night, there is a rule i need to tell HIM about.
i feed you, i touch you.
he fed me, he gets to touch me.
there is nothing to report.
i am trying very hard to make it out of alive this month. August don’t feel as bad as years past but, i don’t trust calm before the storms.
i need to move more on my days/time off. even if i don’t get a goal done, i can at least move an inch on some of them.
i did get back into Once Upon a Time and blar. the way they made Emma evil and now she’s lost Hook, she don’t feel like the badass they started her out to be.
one thing i am doing this month is giving up sex, drugs, and rock and roll. have i seen an improvement? no. am i going to do it for the whole month? yes.
