thinking

oh, rethinking goals i have made for myself.

i, oh this idea of mine.

i think i need to start writing, like hand writing journal. will these entries make it to the internet? i don’t know.

and i am really rethinking on how i want to do my tarot next year. i don’t want a planner, but i like the idea of a planner. i think i need to take what i learn about bullet journal and make my own planner. i think it will be in a 3-ring binder.

and i need to start a tarot notebook, another 3-ring binder.

no, i can not combine them, that would be too much but i am going to look odd at work with two of them open up in the breakroom.

i’ll just have my copy of The Satanic Bible laying out.

i think this year’s Halloween is going to be a big prep for me.

Halloween plans!

i am very much getting a solid plan for Halloween night.

i’m going to build a fire in my fire pit for some magick (being the end of the witch’s year and all that), and then watch The Witch while drinking a pumpkin beer, around said fire pit, and see what comes out of the woods.

and really, doesn’t that sound as spooky as a witch can be?

i just feel this shift in me and i want to keep this motion going, as best i can.

Thursday i am carving my pumpkin and watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, one of the oldest pagan rituals one can still perform.

(Over at the Frankenstein place)

it took a hot minute but i remember, Halloween is a witch’s New Year Eve, November has always been a time for reflection for me, and i am ready to take on a new path in 2023.

i want to be better. i deserve to be better. i need to be better.

i think i have a plan (i have goals) and i want to go forth with them.

i want to be better on all levels: mind, body, soul. i know that this is not going to happen overnight, this is not a one and done.

i want to start so many routines within myself. i want to work out more, i want to be more religious, i want to study more.

i know to get started will be, more or less, a series of half-assing things till i get to a point where things will click.

and i know that i will be a failing mess, at the start. as long as i am moving inches, i will win in the end.

what will i do with this new found power?

what won’t i do?

weekly update

i am still alive.

i just got my blog post about my birthday posted up and now i can see what all needs to be done.

i am making strives to be better. the shadow work is coming and i am moving into it. this shit won’t happen overnight but i got books, notebooks, and lots of cards to work my demons out and move to a better place.

and i feel that what i write i post but, maybe i need to write not to post. keep some stuff off the net. wild idea but, who knows.

as for my numbers and updates, i’m 118% for the month, 98% for the year, with a grade of A+.

i’ll hit my numbers for the year, i don’t know if i’ll get all my goals done.

the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

Yeah, it's been a while, and I have been thinking about how I wanted to write about my birthday weekend.

Inspired by a Tumblr post I saw, I'm calling this style Shotgun Journaling.

Here we go!

 

SUNDAY!

• I put in a request to get off an hour early on Tuesday. It wasn't auto-approved, and I asked Alynn about it. He said I did it too early, so a manager needs to approve it. I tell Pat when she walks in. She said she would take care of it.

MONDAY!

• I get to work and see that my hour off was approved, and I was taken off the schedule for Tuesday.
• The look on Tina's face as I said that and her thought that I would take the day off and make her do RDFR.
• I would not leave her like that.
• I get off work to head off to get my haircut.
• I call Matthew.
• He dropped the bomb that the $600 I sent him to rent the car for my birthday went to cover bills, and the check he thought was coming towards him went to his dad's facility, and he canceled the rental.
• I pull over in Bland to move money around to send him another $600 to get the car.
• I was pissed he canceled without telling me.
• I get my haircut, eyebrows done and get lost on the way home due to not getting my GPS to work.
• It was a fucking day.

TUESDAY, BIRTHDAY EVE!

• Everything is fine.
• Pat didn't know what happen with my schedule.
• I said I wasn't late because I came in on my day off.
• Work was done, and I was on my merry way.
• I get to Rolla and make my way to Taco Bell, fighting a fucking roundabout! They put a roundabout on 63! What the fuck?!?
• Why was the traffic terrible on I-70? Could it be the crash that was up the road that led to a fire? Glad I'm going in the other direction!
• Road construction led to me going in the wrong direction.
• The car did not heat up, thank gods.
• BUT THERE WAS ROAD CONTRACTION!!!
• I-70 was one lane. There was a cement barrier put up.
• The Mo-Dot guys were leaning over the barrier to do something on my side, as I was driving, sorta off the road and on the shoulder, with a fucking semi RIDING MY ASS!
• I was stressed.
• At some part Matthew calls me and tells me he can't rent a car.
• His mother rented a car, listed him as the 2nd driver, didn't pay her bill, so he can't rent one.
• I will have to.
• I will drop-kick this woman into the next world, at some time.
• Because I work at The Store, I got a hell of a discount.
• And Matthew couldn't be listed as a driver.
• I took that car on the interstate to get up to 70, and just, I WANT A NEW CAR!
• Matthew drove the car for the weekend, all illegally, so, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
• WE ARE ON OUR WAY TO SPRINGFIELD!
• I take a gummy.
• Stopped at McD's, got snacks at Wal-Mart, and made it to the hotel.
• I text Colt, and, long story short, I set off into the night to drive to his place.
• I think this was my first booty call.
• And trying to learn to drive a car at night is not a thing I recommend. I didn't know I didn't have my headlights on when I pulled out onto the road. :-/
• I make it to his place, and he's an ass and won't tell me the number of his place.
• His place was like Spock's quarters from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, mood lighting, wax warmer and/or oil diffuser, and him high as a kite.
• I wasn't allowed on the bed.
• We talked, he offered me gummies, and thanks to my D.A.R.E. training, I said no!
• He wanted me to stay the night.
• And then he said something about being the better boyfriend.

And can we stop for a moment to talk about this?

Once upon a time, I was a polyamorous asexual, in love with two queer cis men. We went on dates as a trio. Me and Colt went on dates as a couple. It was great. I was loved, and it helped me deal with some teenage trauma.

And then I came out as non-binary, and he walked away from me for over a year.

It's only been a year since we started talking. After a rough reintroduction last December (nach before Spider-Man: No Way Home), we fell back into old patterns hard, like the whole missing 15, 16 months was nothing.

And I know there are many texts about the idea of forgiveness on my phone that should be reread.

So, to the outside world, nothing happened, and we are happily in love.

But I can not let myself fall fully, and there is still the pause about trusting him 100%.

AssButt, we ain't boyfriend/girlfriend. You are my best friend, and I'll be a ride-or-die witch for you, but you broke me too much to love you like a boyfriend.

Can we get back to that place? Yes. Will we? It's up to you.

• Where were we?
• Pizza, cherry Dr. Pepper is not his jam (whatever loser), The Emperor's New Groove, and I went back to the hotel.
• Matthew said I could have stayed the night.
• Fuckers, get your shit together. I don't know the rules for booty calls, and a bitch of my age should have younger men flickering toward her.

Wednesday!

• It's my birthday!
• Spirit Halloween, witchcraft store, AND Barns and Noble!
• I got my Marvel oracle cards! They came out the day before and the witchcraft store had them! I am in love with them!
• My dinner.
• All I wanted was for me, Matthew, Nicole, and Cole to sit down at Chili's and for me not to pay. That's all I wanted for my birthday, and I got that.
• Nicole got me a broom pen, a card that was a Where's Waldo puzzle (Colt played with it), and a pink Oogie Boogie keychain.
• Colt tried to get me the Supernatural tarot deck, but I already had it. I didn't want anything from him but for him to be there. He had to leave early for work but-
• I had dinner with the people that have seen me at my best and worst.
• Nicole and I talked in the parking lot, and then it was back to the hotel with Matthew for the night.

And that were the big points of the weekend.

Matthew and I went to Nicole's house and met her dogs.

 

Can I say a word about my outfit that day? Jeans, black tank top, my sandals, hair up in two buns with my back bat dude rag over it.

Add my mens purse, and I felt like a butch lesbian. With Matthew in tow, I felt like I was giving out bi-wife energy.

 

I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a microwave because Mom said ours was dead.

I returned home on Friday, and all the cats came to see me.

Saturday was a day of trying to get back to "normal."

weekly update

HAPPY OKTOBER!!!

106% for the month, 89% for the year, giving me an A grade!

birthday plans are up and running. i am 74 hours way from that starting.

i am going ahead and making plans for my 2023 goals. do not know what i want to call the next year, we will have to wait and see.

my plans for writing in November are happening up, quite well. i have various ideas and i don’t know how this all will feed into my plan.

things need to be done and i am off!