weekly update

done for the month, 66% done for the year, giving me a B grade.

i am working on September’s goals right now.

did the witchcraft yesterday, tonight it is getting the full moon treatment.

and it’s the 1st full moon of summer. THE full moon for love magic!

is my witchcraft love magic? kinda? maybe? ain’t all magic love magic?

i need a drink.

witchcraft

“You are doing some witchcraft?”

“Yeah. Read some new stuff and it’s a full moon so I thought I try my hand at it.”

“What book?”

“You haven’t heard of it.”

“Try me.”

“Magic Lessons by Alice Hoffman.”

“Alice Hoffman? Didn’t she write Practical Magic?”

“Yes.”

“Is Magic Lessons a witchcraft book?”

“It’s a prequel to Practical Magic.”

“What the fuck?”

“So, in Supernatural, Sam and Dean have an anti-possession tattoo. By my research, it’s a totally made-up sigil for the show and a common symbol of the show.

“If every fan of the show believes that symbol is an anti-possession, then it is my belief that it is a legit anti-possession symbol.”

“Where the hell are you going with this?”

“If every person who reads Alice Hoffman believes what she writes is real witchcraft, then it is real witchcraft.”

“And you are going with that?”

“Works for me.”

weekly update

i am done with my goals for the month, 64% done for the year, giving me a B-.

and i got a date this month.

i really want to work and get all of September’s goals done. i don’t know if that is possible but i can fucking try.

and the date this month, just realized that i haven’t been on a first date in 20 years and this is the 1st person i found all on my own in 23 years.

there are things i want to say but i don’t want to put out there in this world’s internet.

or just put them out there at all. words have power.

fuck, i casted a spell with my fucking Tinder profile.

and there is magic i’m planning on working next week, full moon and all.

and it’s for my date.

:-)

PRIDE, Day 29

What first made you realize you were queer?

 

Tumblr.  Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft

“Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft.”

“You’re a witch. Isn’t that what you do?”

“Not like this.”

“What did you do?”

“I think a love spell.”

“You don’t even know what spell you did? Start from the beginning!”

“Well, I don’t know when I did it.”

“Don’t make me open this flask. And I am not sharing.”

“I was thinking of my Tinder profile and I realized I got what I asked for and maybe I made it a spell.”

“What does your profile say?”

“Queer Witch looking for a partner.
Partner should be a whole person, knows who they are, and what they want in this life.”

“Nice.”

“And I got that.”

“With HIM.”

“Yeah.”

“I am not going to forgive you for this.”

“I keep thinking of more witchcraft I can do.”

“On who?”

“On me. For this.”

“Baby Gurl, you got all of this without magic.”

“So, I shouldn’t do anything more?”

“You should do it all. Go for blood.”

“I got a date in a month.”

“Get off your ass and start The Work!”

“Yes Mother.”

PRIDE, Day 27

Tell me something you really like about yourself.

 

I am fucking happy right now.  Prompts can be found here.

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

PRIDE, Day 25

Do you prefer to use really specific labels, vague labels, no labels, or a combination for yourself?

 

It depends on whom I’m with.

On Tinder I say I am listed as asexual, demisexual, queer, beyond binary.

Often, I list myself as a queer witch when asked what gender I am.

I like the vagueness of queer. Ya don’t know what exactly you are getting but you know it ain’t straight.

And if you want my very specific label, I am assigned female at birth non-binary, demisexual.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 23

What's a little thing that's really gender affirming for you?

 

I have always wanted a nose ring. I finally got one on my 41st birthday. It was just a small crystal stud. When I saw my face with it, I almost started crying.

This is how my face was supposed to look like. I was always to have a nose ring.

It made me feel more like myself.

I tried a hoop and it did not work. I have been rocking a stud and it’s been the best thing for me. 

 Prompts can be found here.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

PRIDE, Day 21

Tell me about an outfit that makes you feel really good about yourself, or alternatively, an outfit you'd love to wear.

 

Give me jeans, t-shirt, flannel over that, black hoodie over that, hair up under a black Carhart stocking cap, that’s where it is.

Pic is the closest I have to that outfit. 

 

 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 19

Have you ever tried drag? Is it something you'd like to do?

 

I’m non-binary so everyday feels like drag.

As being the drag queen/king, no I haven’t.

I do keep coming up with an idea of a drag king idea. I don’t know if I ever get it out of my head and onto a stage.  Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 17

Have you ever changed your name? If so, how did you choose your name (or names if you use multiple)?

 

STORY TIME! 

When I was in college, I was a Music Ed Major. I had to go to many shows. There was always a sign-in sheet to prove I was there. 

I started signing my whole Catholic name, A** M******* E******** R**********. I would print it out and take up large amount of space on the paper. 

I forgot who told me I was taking up too much space, I started using my initials: AMER. My voice teacher saw that and said “Oh, amer. That’s bitter in French!” 

And I ran with it. I dubbed myself Amerwitch and claimed it where I could on the internet. 

And now that I learned that amer is the masculine form, I love it even more.

 Prompts can be found here.

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE

“Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE.”

“TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!”

“I was so out of my element. And there were so many people there and furries.”

“In this weather?”

“And there was a lot of tails...”

“Tell me about HIM.”

“I want to preface this with they use any pronouns and I am just going with he/him for the time being.”

“Fair. What about HIM?”

“And now my brain goes blank.”

“Just start shooting.”

“He was all over the place because he was a volunteer for PRIDE. He also said he volunteers for the Trevor Project.”

“Wow.”

“HE like the Phantom movie and Gerard Butler as Phantom.”

“Oh gods.”

“He vapes and was wearing off brand crocs.”

“Is there any good news?”

“This morning my brain kept keeps going to back to one thought about last night.

“I met a fully formed person. This person was built on the life they lived. This was a choose your own adventure where it went off the rails and end at PRIDE.

“Matthew is not fully formed. I said after rewatching The Sopranos, I see so much he copied off that show as his personality. That and American Psycho.

“And HIM is fully formed?”

“I think of it as I am joining HIS show at season 38 and I am trying to play catch up. Kinda like dropping into the middle of Supernatural and trying to catch all the lore without watching all the back seasons.”

“HE’s got a lot of catching up with you. But that will be for another time. Where are you going from here?”

“I want to get to know HIM better. I think this could be a friendship.”

“And?”

“I want to start there. I realized that while I thought the whole purity culture didn’t affect me but I got some things I need to unpack.”

“Well then. What is our next step?”

“Keep on txting. See what happens next.”

“Loose with all the plans?”

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Bitch.”

PRIDE, Day 15

When did you first figure out you were queer? Do you still use the same labels you did back then?

 

Once upon a time I was Tumblr and through scrolling I found the word asexual and then demisexual. Once I found the world demisexual, I knew that was for me. That was about 10 years ago.

Non-binary was found out 5 years ago. I am AFAB and after thoughts, I realized that I didn’t want to be a woman any more. I sure as shit don’t want to be a man. And after some thoughts, I decided on the term non-binary.

And really, the colors of the asexual flag are pretty and the non-binary flag pairs will with it.

DiD yOu PiCk YoUr SeXuAlItY aNd GeNdEr BaSeD oN tHe FlAg DeSiGnS?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Non-binary is the term and flag I feel the best about for my gender.

I keep seeing more microlables and flags and some of them seem better to describe me. Asexual is a nice umbrella term that I stand under.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 13

Are there any pronouns you really like but don't use?

 

There are no pronouns that I don’t like, in general. For me, I am still trying to sort things out as a she/her non-binary.

 Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I am not who I was

“Bless me Mother for I am not who I was.”

“And who are you, dear child?”

“You may not know but I was once a 20 something that met a rando on the internet (at the time it was scary and everyone you met off the internet was a serial ax murder) and willing to drive 3 hours, to the BIG CITY, to pick them up from the airport, to bring them to my house.”

“And now what?”

“I am a 40 something that is scared to drive an hour to a Small City, that i know really well, to meet a rando (who seems really nice) at PRIDE.”

“You have fallen.”

“I have grown up and much more jaded.”

“That too.”

“I haven’t done this shit in over 20 years.”

“You need to get out there!”

“I know that! I am trying! I didn’t think it would be this hard, finding a human I like.”

“Well, you are on Tinder.”

“At one point I was getting better results on Grindr.”

“Gurl.”

“I never once lied on that app.”

“Anyway, about PRIDE. Whatcha wearing?”

“Jeans and my purple shirt. Makeup is gonna be a smear of glitter eyeshadow. And I got my pin that says ‘I only look straight.’”

“Classy.”

“I just don’t know if I give off queer vibes or not. Gods, I don’t want to be looked at as an ally.”

“Eww.”

“I know.”

“Well, I hope to take your confession after PRIDE and I hope it is a juicy one.”

“Mother!”

“Get it Gurl!”

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 9

What's your favorite form of self-expression?

 

I like screaming into the void. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 7

How would you describe your sexual and/or romantic orientation?

 

Panromantic demisexual. 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 5

What's your favorite thing about being queer?

 

I feel free from anything that is “white woman” coded because I am not a woman.

Prompts can be found here.

i do need to refocus

again, it hit me the other day.

i have time. i can use that time for things.

things like working out.

i don’t know why it takes me so long to sort this shit out.

i do need to focus myself. i need to sit down and write out a plan on what the hell i want to do and when to do it. i am burning time when i could be burning myself and becoming something better.

PRIDE, Day 3

How would you describe your gender identity?

Non-binary! Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 1

Have you ever been to a pride event?

Not yet. Prompts can be found here.

weekly update

i am 88% done with June’s goals, 48% done for the year, giving me a D+.

i got so much cleaning done this month that i am able to work on other projects now!

and PRIDE starts tomorrow!

i am moving forward and upward and only getting better. May was a month to reset and my ass ran with it.

today's thought

it hit me today.

for the past few years, i had the goal of gutting my Grandma’s record chest player. never had the time or space to do it.

and then it all came together, i have the space to do it. time may not be do abundance right now but i on my days off, i can start working on it.

i tried looking up info on the model and no luck. i tried looking up how other people redid such things and, erp on all of them.

first step will be unscrewing the back and seeing what all is there. and then we will go from there.

i did it

i put in my first day of work. some things don’t change and some things are way different.

i was sent home early because of labor. i know i am low man on the food chain but, i kept up with bread during breakfast and didn’t freak out during our rush.

i call it a win.

i came home and sat down, did some piddling and thought i should be doing something!

there is nothing to do…

there is stuff to do, but cleaning had always bogged me down. there was just, always some thing that i needed to catch up, to do. and not right now.

June will start a new month and a new list of things, but in this last few days, nope. i have done it all.

the basement, it is clean.

my fucking closet is organized.

i am living my best life.

optimist

let’s focus on the good things.

i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.

i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.

i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.

i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.

i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.

i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.

i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.

invest

i am still alive.

i think my clothes are all packed. i need to work on packing all the other things.

i need to make another round to make sure i have all the makeup that i need.

going for a cunty look, not county, especially with it being disco night at the bar.

and all the decks and chargers and toys and money and all the fun stuff.

and i need to pick out a purse.

so much to do in so little time.

we are moving forward

we are moving forward.

and yes, my pronoun is we.

i hit my goals for April, and with 7 days left, trying to get more done. i know i need to pack and all that for my trip but, let me sit for a hot min.

and it’s Disco Night at the bar! i haven’t been since 2023 and i am so ready for it! i know i’m going in with my county shit so, Urban Cowboy?

i want to work on my Book of Shadows (really thinking of renaming it) and my Book of Cartomancy today. need to put away the laundry, and start packing.

and work out.

so much to do, time to get going.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

happy

i’m going to start packing this week. i made my packing list and i need to start putting stuff together. trying to pack a hell of lot lighter than in years past.

that will be the challenge.

;-)

i booked the hotel. the car is reserved. the tickets are brought. things are falling into place.

i need to start my packing list. i need to plot out all i need for this trip and start packing.

i am so ready for this trip, to be away from fucking work for 7 whole days, in a row. that will be so nice.

i need to make of list of things i need to do, the waxing/bleaching/shaving/cutting that is all gender affirming care!

not county but cunty

Mom made my shirt. the material is small squares of various shades of pink plaids. i told her this was the shirt i was going to wear to the bar when i hit it with Nicole and Colt.

it’s done. it’s so more county looking then i thought it was going to be.

i can’t go goth in this shirt. i was almost wanting to chuck it and then i remember “not county but cunty.”

i have tried to look up Chappell Roan makeup looks and, i’m not made for this.

back to some bad ideas and throwing eye shadow on my face.

Bless me Mother, you need me to confess

“You need to confessed.”

“I need to confessed? For what?”

“You know what you did.”

“Do I need to confess or do you need ME to confesses?”

“Just do it!”

“Bless me Mother for I have…”

“Screamed.”

“Oh. You want to talk about that.”

“Yes. Start at the beginning.”

“So, when I saw Deadpool and Wolverine last summer and Blade showed up, I had a reaction.”

“You about jumped out of your chair in the theater.”

“Yeah… I didn’t know I had that in me. I don’t know what came over me at that point.”

“And then you have been watching a certain ad on the internet of late.”

“Ok. I re-watched The Last of Us and it has reawakened my love of Pedro Pascal. And he is so fucking cute in the ad and he looks at you and tells you that you are perfect do I need to say more?”

“He’s in Fantastic Four that’s coming out this summer.”

“Yeah… kinda worried about myself with that movie.”

“And then you screamed today.”

“Yeah. I was surprised too.”

“Tell me like I don’t know.”

“Marvel put out a video of who’s suppose to be in Doomsday and it was a good mix of names and then one popped up and I screamed about it.”

“Who was it?”

“Can I mention that I completely missed Tom Hiddleston’s name was in this list?”

“That makes it even worst. Who made you scream?”

“Channing Tatum.”

“Why?”

“I did not know how much his Gambit meant to me.”

“How feral are you going to go in Doomsday?”

“I don’t know!”

“Tom Hiddleston, Pedro Pascal, and Channing Tatum.”

“And David Harbour.”

“Is there any one in the line up that isn’t going to make your feral?”

“Some of the women, maybe.”

“You need a boyfriend.”

“Bless me Mother, I need a boyfriend.”

“Bless you, indeed.”

20 years

“As the Earth holds me. As the Sky sees me. As the Sun rises within me. I step out to greet the Day.”

 

last week marked the 20th anniversary of me being a witch. and reading Evolutionary Witchcraft is showing me how much i have grown as a witch and as a human.

i am not the same bitch i was, with a Silver RavenWolf book in one hand and that was pretty much it. i thought i knew everything, with that one book.

20 years later, do i know everything now? fuck no. do i want to know everything? not really.

what have i learned? i path is very tarot heavy. that is my one magic i do daily.

am i where i want to be as a witch? no. i am hoping that this year i will get there. i am reading and studying and moving forward.

and now, i need to do The Work.

sping ahead

“I am worthy of love and happiness. I deserve all the good things that come into my life.
I trust in my ability to overcome challenges and grow stronger with each experience.
I choose to focus on the present moment and let go of worries about the past or future.
I am surrounded by love and support. I am connected with the universe and guided by its wisdom.”

 

i hit my goals for the month. anything more i do is just bonus points and less work in December.

i am working. i am done with the deck studying for the year and i started in on my witchcraft books. read it all, then go back and think about it and hit it again.

i am moving forward. it took a while but with the new season coming, i got to get going. and i am. i got shit done today, even after working upstairs. i can do this. an inch a day will get me there faster then nothing at all.

go me.

here we go…

i don’t know what happens but things happen. i didn’t fall off the earth, but a vacation like that sounds nice.

i am booking along with my goals. i got a short list of things i want to 20 min a night it but Mom wants stuff down and that shoots my plans down. i need to work harder on that.

the new Daredevil show started and i have not watch it. i am behind. i am behind with the MCU. ya know something is up if yer girl is behind with the MCU.

i know why. and i know why i get weird when Colt says he has a gift for me.

so many signs says i need to move forward. i think i am. i know i’m not going backwards. i’m not going-

i am treading water. i am just treading water and not going anywhere.

i am keeping my head above water. i am doing that.

tomorrow i start reading Evolutionary Witchcraft. i feel that this is a good step for me. after that, it’s onto Crafting a Daily Practice.

maybe this is the movement i need.