want to write, don’t have anything to write

been doing my morning papers every day. it’s the 1st things i do, before putting on glasses or anything, or at least i try to.

after my birthday, i’m going back to the book and start moving forward with more of the exercises.

i also want to investigate more workouts. i need to work my abs and arms more.

and if i can workout every other day, i want the other day to be for meditation.

and build the fucking ancestors altar.

maybe i’m losing my passion here because of the morning papers. i am getting stuff out of my head.

maybe for the first time in a long time

thank Karpo, fall is here.

there still much work to do, before i can get into just celebrating and not doing the hard witchcraft. that will be taken care of this week.

and then there is the planning of my birthday weekend.

in other news, i went on a 2nd date. we watch Deadpool and Wolverine and they got us pizza. i had fun.

i had a fun afternoon with a fully form human who thinks i’m cute.

and my Flower Speak cards call me out so fucking hard yesterday. 5 cards for one spot to tell me to either wake up and take in the good or just be the fuckwit i have been.

my home is clean. i have the start of a relationship with a full form human. i am working on my witchcraft. my friends love me, still, and i’m seeing them next week. i am working out and loving the changes of my body. i like my job. i have money.

i am fucking happy.

i. am. fucking. happy.

maybe for the first time in a long time.

blar, for now...

i could do an update, with numbers and math, but i am moving by the smallest of inches and, blar.

trying to get a 2nd date. i am doing this thing where i want THIS and when i am presented with the chance of THIS, i want to run away.

no more. if i want to get there, i need to walk there. there is someone waiting for me, hell who wants to walk with me, and i need to get over this assery and become who i want to be.

i casted a love spell last Halloween and i am cashing it in.

i need to sit and write. not this typing on the laptop but with pen and paper and REALLY plot out what the hell i want and do this fall.

weekly update

i am 103% done for the year, 75% done for the year, giving me a B+.

i got my bathroom clean, including scrubbing off The Wallflower’s lyric. i have a new lyric i want to put up but that will wait for Autumn to start to do that.

i have found my female artiest to base my witchcraft on, and it’s not Stevie Nicks.

it’s Florence and the Machine. that’s my witchcraft and i want to go full force into it.

Autumn is coming and i need to get ready. i hope to hit the Sprite Halloween this week. i need to go over my witchcraft stash and see what i need to buy and hit up the health food store.

i need to make up some pumpkin pie spice. i need to make a pie in 2 weeks.

i need to go to witchcraft in my backyard.

hello September!

hello September!

the weather cooled off and it’s getting nippy at times. last night i went to the backyard and tried to feel for Autumn. i didn’t, but it’s getting there.

tomorrow is the last full moon of summer and i am doing some magic. the three of us, me, Nicole, and Colt, have been lacking in physical contact of late (like 2 years ago being the avenge) and i made a spell for it. we all deserve some action, with benefits. what’s the point of being a witch if you can’t throw some magic out there for friends and yourself?

trying to set up a 2nd date with Izzy. first time i’ve used their name here. they use all the pronouns so, just watch out on the ones that pop up around them/him/her.

i like him. that’s all i can say right now. i like him, txting him is great, he’s a delight.

and that spell is to help things along…

i need to make a list of herbs i need in my stash of witchcraft supplies. i have no garlic or chili pepper in my stash. i need to look it over hard and make a list of what i need.

almost there...

last update for fucking August!

this August has not been as bad as year’s past. i don’t know what happen to me or August but, we made it.

i am remembering other Augusts. the one where i saw Guardians of the Galaxy and didn’t write for a whole month because i could not image that i would have 2 guys, TWO, sitting with my at Chili’s, one stocking my thigh, the other my arm , both of them loving me. my inner 4-year-old was beside herself.

and now i’m toying with the idea of being someone’s boyfriend.

i am done with all my September’s goals. i want to start new stuff. i want to try to get into a daily practice, get back into my witchcraft books, become a better witch.

i feel that i am becoming better is many areas, that i need to step up my witchcraftness.

i am trying to be off my phone more and stop playing computer games that don’t go anywhere.

Bless me Mother, for I am queer

“Bless me Mother, for I am queer.”

“Baby Gurl, you were born this way.”

“No, it’s more complicated than that.”

“Go on.”

“I don’t know where to start.”

“Try.”

“You know how there are women on the internet and how they only dated men and then started dating woman and had a whole ass epiphany?”

“Yes…”

“It has happened to me.”

“Wait, I thought you were texting a guy?”

“AMAB.”

“Do I need to open a bottle are you going to get with it?”

“Ok, so he’s listed as man/non-binary and bisexual and having gone on one date, is very queer. And I have only dated cis-het men.”

“What about bisexual Matthew?”

“I don’t think anything about him was real, including him saying he was bi.

“Anyway, the way he flirts with me, hits on my queerness like nothing before. With Colt, it’s fun to play straight because we’re not. With Him, we give off the idea of cis-het but we are not.

“You know how I like to dress as Dean Winchester in the winter months and that give me all the gender euphoria? I feel so fem when I dress butch.

“I was dressed fem for the date and he made me feel butch.”

“How was that?”

“I was surprised but I like it.”

“And today?”

“I mention I felt like I could fight a bear and that I know I can take a twink out and He said the last line was beautiful and that ‘There is definitely a bear interested in taking you on….’”

“Oh my.”

“And then there was something I said out loud.”

“What was it?”

“I said out loud that I want to be his boyfriend. It goes with the fact He uses all pronouns and I could say, ‘She’s my boyfriend.’”

“But you don’t like male pronouns and honorifics. Expect to be called Daddy.”

“Four-year-old me would be so surprised that instead of wanting a boyfriend, to want to be a boyfriend.”

“He makes you feel like a real queer.”

“I don’t like how you said it but it’s true. I feel like he sees my queerness. He sees that part that is me. He sees me like I want to see myself.”

“Nicole never made you feel queer?”

“It’s different with her. I think because she’s fem and I’m fem that we give off lesbian vibes. It’s not that I have to prove anything with her.”

“Is it because Matthew never saw you as queer but that you had all the right parts?”

“Is it because he’s a “guy” and he sees me as queer?”

“Don’t ask me questions you know the answer to.”

“Yes Mother.”

blar and update

another week of just moving the barest of inches.

i keep adding to this year’s goals and, am i pushing myself or just insane? or both?

i need to stop with the time wasting of phone and video game. i need to focus on The Work.

it’s also the idea that it is still August and nothing is suppose to get done in August. i have hit my goal for September already so, working on October.

weekly update

i am moving by the smallest of inches.

i gave up on a “clean” August and had fun last night.

HE made me think of a poem and of witchcraft.

and the texting is getting a bit, risqué.

Colt calls him my boyfriend but i can firmly say he’s a crush. i do have a crush on him. it’s as far as i want to call it.

and with talking to the new kittens last night, there is a rule i need to tell HIM about.

i feed you, i touch you.

he fed me, he gets to touch me.

blar update

there is nothing to report.

i am trying very hard to make it out of alive this month. August don’t feel as bad as years past but, i don’t trust calm before the storms.

i need to move more on my days/time off. even if i don’t get a goal done, i can at least move an inch on some of them.

i did get back into Once Upon a Time and blar. the way they made Emma evil and now she’s lost Hook, she don’t feel like the badass they started her out to be.

one thing i am doing this month is giving up sex, drugs, and rock and roll. have i seen an improvement? no. am i going to do it for the whole month? yes.

fantastic

it was fantastic.

the movie: 2 hours of Pedro Pascal. what more could a Marvel girl ask for? for reals, after watching the other 3 Fantastic Four movies (MY GODS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THE 2015 ONE?!?!?!) i think this one was just right.

now, on to the date.

i live too much in my head.

it was wonderful. he was a perfect gentleman. he open doors and paid for dinner and the movie.

he’s so different from anything i ever dealt with.

we talked. it felt like he was giving me all his red flags and i can deal with them.

i like him. i really like him.

and i dressed fem up for this date. and at one point i just felt so butch next to him. and it was nice to feel that way.

i want to do it again.

weekly update

i am 95% done for September, 69% done for the year, giving me a B-.

what happen to August? we don’t talk about him.

and my seasonal depression is flaring up early this year.

i have a date Sunday. it’s a 1st date and it’s the first 1st date i’ve been in 25 years.

i’m now getting stressed and nervous about it. i had an outfit picked out and now, i don’t know.

i need to throw cards.

weekly no update

there is really nothing to update.

i have hit a stuck part. didn’t want to but here i am.

card of the month said so…

i need to get up and get going with something.

weekly update

done for the month, 66% done for the year, giving me a B grade.

i am working on September’s goals right now.

did the witchcraft yesterday, tonight it is getting the full moon treatment.

and it’s the 1st full moon of summer. THE full moon for love magic!

is my witchcraft love magic? kinda? maybe? ain’t all magic love magic?

i need a drink.

witchcraft

“You are doing some witchcraft?”

“Yeah. Read some new stuff and it’s a full moon so I thought I try my hand at it.”

“What book?”

“You haven’t heard of it.”

“Try me.”

“Magic Lessons by Alice Hoffman.”

“Alice Hoffman? Didn’t she write Practical Magic?”

“Yes.”

“Is Magic Lessons a witchcraft book?”

“It’s a prequel to Practical Magic.”

“What the fuck?”

“So, in Supernatural, Sam and Dean have an anti-possession tattoo. By my research, it’s a totally made-up sigil for the show and a common symbol of the show.

“If every fan of the show believes that symbol is an anti-possession, then it is my belief that it is a legit anti-possession symbol.”

“Where the hell are you going with this?”

“If every person who reads Alice Hoffman believes what she writes is real witchcraft, then it is real witchcraft.”

“And you are going with that?”

“Works for me.”

weekly update

i am done with my goals for the month, 64% done for the year, giving me a B-.

and i got a date this month.

i really want to work and get all of September’s goals done. i don’t know if that is possible but i can fucking try.

and the date this month, just realized that i haven’t been on a first date in 20 years and this is the 1st person i found all on my own in 23 years.

there are things i want to say but i don’t want to put out there in this world’s internet.

or just put them out there at all. words have power.

fuck, i casted a spell with my fucking Tinder profile.

and there is magic i’m planning on working next week, full moon and all.

and it’s for my date.

:-)

PRIDE, Day 29

What first made you realize you were queer?

 

Tumblr.  Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft

“Bless me Mother for I did witchcraft.”

“You’re a witch. Isn’t that what you do?”

“Not like this.”

“What did you do?”

“I think a love spell.”

“You don’t even know what spell you did? Start from the beginning!”

“Well, I don’t know when I did it.”

“Don’t make me open this flask. And I am not sharing.”

“I was thinking of my Tinder profile and I realized I got what I asked for and maybe I made it a spell.”

“What does your profile say?”

“Queer Witch looking for a partner.
Partner should be a whole person, knows who they are, and what they want in this life.”

“Nice.”

“And I got that.”

“With HIM.”

“Yeah.”

“I am not going to forgive you for this.”

“I keep thinking of more witchcraft I can do.”

“On who?”

“On me. For this.”

“Baby Gurl, you got all of this without magic.”

“So, I shouldn’t do anything more?”

“You should do it all. Go for blood.”

“I got a date in a month.”

“Get off your ass and start The Work!”

“Yes Mother.”

PRIDE, Day 27

Tell me something you really like about yourself.

 

I am fucking happy right now.  Prompts can be found here.

whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.

PRIDE, Day 25

Do you prefer to use really specific labels, vague labels, no labels, or a combination for yourself?

 

It depends on whom I’m with.

On Tinder I say I am listed as asexual, demisexual, queer, beyond binary.

Often, I list myself as a queer witch when asked what gender I am.

I like the vagueness of queer. Ya don’t know what exactly you are getting but you know it ain’t straight.

And if you want my very specific label, I am assigned female at birth non-binary, demisexual.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 23

What's a little thing that's really gender affirming for you?

 

I have always wanted a nose ring. I finally got one on my 41st birthday. It was just a small crystal stud. When I saw my face with it, I almost started crying.

This is how my face was supposed to look like. I was always to have a nose ring.

It made me feel more like myself.

I tried a hoop and it did not work. I have been rocking a stud and it’s been the best thing for me. 

 Prompts can be found here.

weekly update

weekly update

 

i am 112% done with June’s goals, 61% for the year, giving me a B!

by tomorrow i’ll be 97% done with July’s goal.

i have been doing so much thinking about everything this past month.

i was off for 3 days in a row and didn’t do anything. i don’t need to do that any more.

i’m happy. i did not realized how much working at ThE sToRe was killing me till i was gone of it.

my new job is no thought, just do. same thing every day, nothing wild or crazy dropping on me, out of the blue. no one is a cheerleader/drank the Kool-Aid/joined the cult.

i met someone, a real human and not “…there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”. i keep asking if this is how a relationship is suppose to be.

i want to date him.

i want other things.

also, today the random memory of how “On My Own” and “I Don’t Know How to Love Him” were my themes and songs one semester.

i am so not that bitch any more.

the cards keep telling me that part of the healing is moving onto the next level. i have done that and i need to.

i wanted to be better, and now that i am, i am wasting it.

no, that’s makes me the same before the healing.

fuck…..

PRIDE, Day 21

Tell me about an outfit that makes you feel really good about yourself, or alternatively, an outfit you'd love to wear.

 

Give me jeans, t-shirt, flannel over that, black hoodie over that, hair up under a black Carhart stocking cap, that’s where it is.

Pic is the closest I have to that outfit. 

 

 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 19

Have you ever tried drag? Is it something you'd like to do?

 

I’m non-binary so everyday feels like drag.

As being the drag queen/king, no I haven’t.

I do keep coming up with an idea of a drag king idea. I don’t know if I ever get it out of my head and onto a stage.  Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 17

Have you ever changed your name? If so, how did you choose your name (or names if you use multiple)?

 

STORY TIME! 

When I was in college, I was a Music Ed Major. I had to go to many shows. There was always a sign-in sheet to prove I was there. 

I started signing my whole Catholic name, A** M******* E******** R**********. I would print it out and take up large amount of space on the paper. 

I forgot who told me I was taking up too much space, I started using my initials: AMER. My voice teacher saw that and said “Oh, amer. That’s bitter in French!” 

And I ran with it. I dubbed myself Amerwitch and claimed it where I could on the internet. 

And now that I learned that amer is the masculine form, I love it even more.

 Prompts can be found here.

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE

“Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE.”

“TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!”

“I was so out of my element. And there were so many people there and furries.”

“In this weather?”

“And there was a lot of tails...”

“Tell me about HIM.”

“I want to preface this with they use any pronouns and I am just going with he/him for the time being.”

“Fair. What about HIM?”

“And now my brain goes blank.”

“Just start shooting.”

“He was all over the place because he was a volunteer for PRIDE. He also said he volunteers for the Trevor Project.”

“Wow.”

“HE like the Phantom movie and Gerard Butler as Phantom.”

“Oh gods.”

“He vapes and was wearing off brand crocs.”

“Is there any good news?”

“This morning my brain kept keeps going to back to one thought about last night.

“I met a fully formed person. This person was built on the life they lived. This was a choose your own adventure where it went off the rails and end at PRIDE.

“Matthew is not fully formed. I said after rewatching The Sopranos, I see so much he copied off that show as his personality. That and American Psycho.

“And HIM is fully formed?”

“I think of it as I am joining HIS show at season 38 and I am trying to play catch up. Kinda like dropping into the middle of Supernatural and trying to catch all the lore without watching all the back seasons.”

“HE’s got a lot of catching up with you. But that will be for another time. Where are you going from here?”

“I want to get to know HIM better. I think this could be a friendship.”

“And?”

“I want to start there. I realized that while I thought the whole purity culture didn’t affect me but I got some things I need to unpack.”

“Well then. What is our next step?”

“Keep on txting. See what happens next.”

“Loose with all the plans?”

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Bitch.”

PRIDE, Day 15

When did you first figure out you were queer? Do you still use the same labels you did back then?

 

Once upon a time I was Tumblr and through scrolling I found the word asexual and then demisexual. Once I found the world demisexual, I knew that was for me. That was about 10 years ago.

Non-binary was found out 5 years ago. I am AFAB and after thoughts, I realized that I didn’t want to be a woman any more. I sure as shit don’t want to be a man. And after some thoughts, I decided on the term non-binary.

And really, the colors of the asexual flag are pretty and the non-binary flag pairs will with it.

DiD yOu PiCk YoUr SeXuAlItY aNd GeNdEr BaSeD oN tHe FlAg DeSiGnS?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Non-binary is the term and flag I feel the best about for my gender.

I keep seeing more microlables and flags and some of them seem better to describe me. Asexual is a nice umbrella term that I stand under.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 13

Are there any pronouns you really like but don't use?

 

There are no pronouns that I don’t like, in general. For me, I am still trying to sort things out as a she/her non-binary.

 Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I am not who I was

“Bless me Mother for I am not who I was.”

“And who are you, dear child?”

“You may not know but I was once a 20 something that met a rando on the internet (at the time it was scary and everyone you met off the internet was a serial ax murder) and willing to drive 3 hours, to the BIG CITY, to pick them up from the airport, to bring them to my house.”

“And now what?”

“I am a 40 something that is scared to drive an hour to a Small City, that i know really well, to meet a rando (who seems really nice) at PRIDE.”

“You have fallen.”

“I have grown up and much more jaded.”

“That too.”

“I haven’t done this shit in over 20 years.”

“You need to get out there!”

“I know that! I am trying! I didn’t think it would be this hard, finding a human I like.”

“Well, you are on Tinder.”

“At one point I was getting better results on Grindr.”

“Gurl.”

“I never once lied on that app.”

“Anyway, about PRIDE. Whatcha wearing?”

“Jeans and my purple shirt. Makeup is gonna be a smear of glitter eyeshadow. And I got my pin that says ‘I only look straight.’”

“Classy.”

“I just don’t know if I give off queer vibes or not. Gods, I don’t want to be looked at as an ally.”

“Eww.”

“I know.”

“Well, I hope to take your confession after PRIDE and I hope it is a juicy one.”

“Mother!”

“Get it Gurl!”

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 9

What's your favorite form of self-expression?

 

I like screaming into the void. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 7

How would you describe your sexual and/or romantic orientation?

 

Panromantic demisexual. 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 5

What's your favorite thing about being queer?

 

I feel free from anything that is “white woman” coded because I am not a woman.

Prompts can be found here.

i do need to refocus

again, it hit me the other day.

i have time. i can use that time for things.

things like working out.

i don’t know why it takes me so long to sort this shit out.

i do need to focus myself. i need to sit down and write out a plan on what the hell i want to do and when to do it. i am burning time when i could be burning myself and becoming something better.

PRIDE, Day 3

How would you describe your gender identity?

Non-binary! Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 1

Have you ever been to a pride event?

Not yet. Prompts can be found here.

weekly update

i am 88% done with June’s goals, 48% done for the year, giving me a D+.

i got so much cleaning done this month that i am able to work on other projects now!

and PRIDE starts tomorrow!

i am moving forward and upward and only getting better. May was a month to reset and my ass ran with it.

today's thought

it hit me today.

for the past few years, i had the goal of gutting my Grandma’s record chest player. never had the time or space to do it.

and then it all came together, i have the space to do it. time may not be do abundance right now but i on my days off, i can start working on it.

i tried looking up info on the model and no luck. i tried looking up how other people redid such things and, erp on all of them.

first step will be unscrewing the back and seeing what all is there. and then we will go from there.

i did it

i put in my first day of work. some things don’t change and some things are way different.

i was sent home early because of labor. i know i am low man on the food chain but, i kept up with bread during breakfast and didn’t freak out during our rush.

i call it a win.

i came home and sat down, did some piddling and thought i should be doing something!

there is nothing to do…

there is stuff to do, but cleaning had always bogged me down. there was just, always some thing that i needed to catch up, to do. and not right now.

June will start a new month and a new list of things, but in this last few days, nope. i have done it all.

the basement, it is clean.

my fucking closet is organized.

i am living my best life.