PRIDE, Day 17

Have you ever changed your name? If so, how did you choose your name (or names if you use multiple)?

 

STORY TIME! 

When I was in college, I was a Music Ed Major. I had to go to many shows. There was always a sign-in sheet to prove I was there. 

I started signing my whole Catholic name, A** M******* E******** R**********. I would print it out and take up large amount of space on the paper. 

I forgot who told me I was taking up too much space, I started using my initials: AMER. My voice teacher saw that and said “Oh, amer. That’s bitter in French!” 

And I ran with it. I dubbed myself Amerwitch and claimed it where I could on the internet. 

And now that I learned that amer is the masculine form, I love it even more.

 Prompts can be found here.

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine...

I am coming out of my cage and I feel fine.

 

I wrote. That’s usually get the demons out of my head. I wrote and they are still here.

(Still waters run deep)

There are not just two wolves but a thousand voices, each trying me, each of the in conflict.

Am I looking for red flags? Am I trying to make res flags.

 and then there is sex… 

On paper, he’s perfect. We have similar taste. His choice of music isn’t shit. We are comparable.

I feel I need to decide everything right now. Black and white, yes and no, decide everything, right now.

I think this could lead to a friendship.

He’s unabashedly queer.

A friendship that might grow into something.

It’s the idea of something casual and not dating to marry.

What is casual? Can I do casual?

Can I just enjoy the feeling?

Am I just waiting for the bad shit to happen/waiting to end it all do it don’t?

He is a fully formed person. Have I ever dated a fully formed person?

Is that it? He’s fully formed and I don’t know what to do with that?

 (Throw some damn cards…) 

I don’t know how to do a relationship with a fully formed person, due to lack of experience. It’s my lack of experience that had made me feel incapable to compete with the ghost of relationships past and future, when I am the ghost of now. I am waiting to be called the fraud I am and dismissed. There is no imposter syndrome, I am an imposter and mask as an adult who had been around the block a lot, where I am barely at a high school level.

Fuck.

Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE

“Bless me Mother, I went to PRIDE.”

“TELL ME EVERYTHING!!!”

“I was so out of my element. And there were so many people there and furries.”

“In this weather?”

“And there was a lot of tails...”

“Tell me about HIM.”

“I want to preface this with they use any pronouns and I am just going with he/him for the time being.”

“Fair. What about HIM?”

“And now my brain goes blank.”

“Just start shooting.”

“He was all over the place because he was a volunteer for PRIDE. He also said he volunteers for the Trevor Project.”

“Wow.”

“HE like the Phantom movie and Gerard Butler as Phantom.”

“Oh gods.”

“He vapes and was wearing off brand crocs.”

“Is there any good news?”

“This morning my brain kept keeps going to back to one thought about last night.

“I met a fully formed person. This person was built on the life they lived. This was a choose your own adventure where it went off the rails and end at PRIDE.

“Matthew is not fully formed. I said after rewatching The Sopranos, I see so much he copied off that show as his personality. That and American Psycho.

“And HIM is fully formed?”

“I think of it as I am joining HIS show at season 38 and I am trying to play catch up. Kinda like dropping into the middle of Supernatural and trying to catch all the lore without watching all the back seasons.”

“HE’s got a lot of catching up with you. But that will be for another time. Where are you going from here?”

“I want to get to know HIM better. I think this could be a friendship.”

“And?”

“I want to start there. I realized that while I thought the whole purity culture didn’t affect me but I got some things I need to unpack.”

“Well then. What is our next step?”

“Keep on txting. See what happens next.”

“Loose with all the plans?”

“¯\_(ツ)_/¯”

“Bitch.”

PRIDE, Day 15

When did you first figure out you were queer? Do you still use the same labels you did back then?

 

Once upon a time I was Tumblr and through scrolling I found the word asexual and then demisexual. Once I found the world demisexual, I knew that was for me. That was about 10 years ago.

Non-binary was found out 5 years ago. I am AFAB and after thoughts, I realized that I didn’t want to be a woman any more. I sure as shit don’t want to be a man. And after some thoughts, I decided on the term non-binary.

And really, the colors of the asexual flag are pretty and the non-binary flag pairs will with it.

DiD yOu PiCk YoUr SeXuAlItY aNd GeNdEr BaSeD oN tHe FlAg DeSiGnS?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Non-binary is the term and flag I feel the best about for my gender.

I keep seeing more microlables and flags and some of them seem better to describe me. Asexual is a nice umbrella term that I stand under.

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 13

Are there any pronouns you really like but don't use?

 

There are no pronouns that I don’t like, in general. For me, I am still trying to sort things out as a she/her non-binary.

 Prompts can be found here.

Bless me Mother for I am not who I was

“Bless me Mother for I am not who I was.”

“And who are you, dear child?”

“You may not know but I was once a 20 something that met a rando on the internet (at the time it was scary and everyone you met off the internet was a serial ax murder) and willing to drive 3 hours, to the BIG CITY, to pick them up from the airport, to bring them to my house.”

“And now what?”

“I am a 40 something that is scared to drive an hour to a Small City, that i know really well, to meet a rando (who seems really nice) at PRIDE.”

“You have fallen.”

“I have grown up and much more jaded.”

“That too.”

“I haven’t done this shit in over 20 years.”

“You need to get out there!”

“I know that! I am trying! I didn’t think it would be this hard, finding a human I like.”

“Well, you are on Tinder.”

“At one point I was getting better results on Grindr.”

“Gurl.”

“I never once lied on that app.”

“Anyway, about PRIDE. Whatcha wearing?”

“Jeans and my purple shirt. Makeup is gonna be a smear of glitter eyeshadow. And I got my pin that says ‘I only look straight.’”

“Classy.”

“I just don’t know if I give off queer vibes or not. Gods, I don’t want to be looked at as an ally.”

“Eww.”

“I know.”

“Well, I hope to take your confession after PRIDE and I hope it is a juicy one.”

“Mother!”

“Get it Gurl!”

PRIDE, Day 11

Tell me about a fun queer experience you've had (this one's up for interpretation. have fun!)!

 

Any time I am with Colt and Nicole is a fun and queer time. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 9

What's your favorite form of self-expression?

 

I like screaming into the void. Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 7

How would you describe your sexual and/or romantic orientation?

 

Panromantic demisexual. 

 Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 5

What's your favorite thing about being queer?

 

I feel free from anything that is “white woman” coded because I am not a woman.

Prompts can be found here.

i do need to refocus

again, it hit me the other day.

i have time. i can use that time for things.

things like working out.

i don’t know why it takes me so long to sort this shit out.

i do need to focus myself. i need to sit down and write out a plan on what the hell i want to do and when to do it. i am burning time when i could be burning myself and becoming something better.

PRIDE, Day 3

How would you describe your gender identity?

Non-binary! Prompts can be found here.

PRIDE, Day 1

Have you ever been to a pride event?

Not yet. Prompts can be found here.

weekly update

i am 88% done with June’s goals, 48% done for the year, giving me a D+.

i got so much cleaning done this month that i am able to work on other projects now!

and PRIDE starts tomorrow!

i am moving forward and upward and only getting better. May was a month to reset and my ass ran with it.

today's thought

it hit me today.

for the past few years, i had the goal of gutting my Grandma’s record chest player. never had the time or space to do it.

and then it all came together, i have the space to do it. time may not be do abundance right now but i on my days off, i can start working on it.

i tried looking up info on the model and no luck. i tried looking up how other people redid such things and, erp on all of them.

first step will be unscrewing the back and seeing what all is there. and then we will go from there.

i did it

i put in my first day of work. some things don’t change and some things are way different.

i was sent home early because of labor. i know i am low man on the food chain but, i kept up with bread during breakfast and didn’t freak out during our rush.

i call it a win.

i came home and sat down, did some piddling and thought i should be doing something!

there is nothing to do…

there is stuff to do, but cleaning had always bogged me down. there was just, always some thing that i needed to catch up, to do. and not right now.

June will start a new month and a new list of things, but in this last few days, nope. i have done it all.

the basement, it is clean.

my fucking closet is organized.

i am living my best life.

optimist

let’s focus on the good things.

i saw Colt and Nicole. i saw the Marvel movie. i had a good time.

i am switching jobs. i am no long at The Store but going somewhere else. don’t know what to call this place yet, name will come to me later.

i had the month off and just got, so much done. the basement is clean. i almost got my closet under order.

i have been talking to a guy for over a month now. i think i am starting to like him. it is so odd and weird and i have Colt to thank for setting me straight about things.

i am in therapy now. we will see how that plays out.

i am optimist. i have a job. i will have money coming in. i am hoping for full time. it’s about $2 less then the other place but, i don’t think that will hurt.

i am hoping being away from that other fucking place will not bear down on my soul so much.

invest

i am still alive.

i think my clothes are all packed. i need to work on packing all the other things.

i need to make another round to make sure i have all the makeup that i need.

going for a cunty look, not county, especially with it being disco night at the bar.

and all the decks and chargers and toys and money and all the fun stuff.

and i need to pick out a purse.

so much to do in so little time.

we are moving forward

we are moving forward.

and yes, my pronoun is we.

i hit my goals for April, and with 7 days left, trying to get more done. i know i need to pack and all that for my trip but, let me sit for a hot min.

and it’s Disco Night at the bar! i haven’t been since 2023 and i am so ready for it! i know i’m going in with my county shit so, Urban Cowboy?

i want to work on my Book of Shadows (really thinking of renaming it) and my Book of Cartomancy today. need to put away the laundry, and start packing.

and work out.

so much to do, time to get going.

not good

how am i?

i can feel happy and depressed at the same time and man, that’s a real trip.

talking about sex and stuff with Colt and Nicole, and really, what am i looking for? i know it’s easy to get laid, Tech School would be my best bet for that. that’s not want i want.

i want to be like that.

i started watching Grey's Anatomy to see if i could learn on what was wrong with me. that show, everyone is bed hopping, going from partner to partner, with, sometimes, no questions asked. i wanted to see if i could learn on how a person could be like that and why i couldn’t be like that.

then i joined Tumblr and learned about asexual/demisexual and that i am queer.

and that felt like an answer to that question, but sex is sex so why can’t i just any dude that cross my path? why is it i want a romantic partner and not be a slut about town?

happy

i’m going to start packing this week. i made my packing list and i need to start putting stuff together. trying to pack a hell of lot lighter than in years past.

that will be the challenge.

;-)

i booked the hotel. the car is reserved. the tickets are brought. things are falling into place.

i need to start my packing list. i need to plot out all i need for this trip and start packing.

i am so ready for this trip, to be away from fucking work for 7 whole days, in a row. that will be so nice.

i need to make of list of things i need to do, the waxing/bleaching/shaving/cutting that is all gender affirming care!

not county but cunty

Mom made my shirt. the material is small squares of various shades of pink plaids. i told her this was the shirt i was going to wear to the bar when i hit it with Nicole and Colt.

it’s done. it’s so more county looking then i thought it was going to be.

i can’t go goth in this shirt. i was almost wanting to chuck it and then i remember “not county but cunty.”

i have tried to look up Chappell Roan makeup looks and, i’m not made for this.

back to some bad ideas and throwing eye shadow on my face.

Bless me Mother, you need me to confess

“You need to confessed.”

“I need to confessed? For what?”

“You know what you did.”

“Do I need to confess or do you need ME to confesses?”

“Just do it!”

“Bless me Mother for I have…”

“Screamed.”

“Oh. You want to talk about that.”

“Yes. Start at the beginning.”

“So, when I saw Deadpool and Wolverine last summer and Blade showed up, I had a reaction.”

“You about jumped out of your chair in the theater.”

“Yeah… I didn’t know I had that in me. I don’t know what came over me at that point.”

“And then you have been watching a certain ad on the internet of late.”

“Ok. I re-watched The Last of Us and it has reawakened my love of Pedro Pascal. And he is so fucking cute in the ad and he looks at you and tells you that you are perfect do I need to say more?”

“He’s in Fantastic Four that’s coming out this summer.”

“Yeah… kinda worried about myself with that movie.”

“And then you screamed today.”

“Yeah. I was surprised too.”

“Tell me like I don’t know.”

“Marvel put out a video of who’s suppose to be in Doomsday and it was a good mix of names and then one popped up and I screamed about it.”

“Who was it?”

“Can I mention that I completely missed Tom Hiddleston’s name was in this list?”

“That makes it even worst. Who made you scream?”

“Channing Tatum.”

“Why?”

“I did not know how much his Gambit meant to me.”

“How feral are you going to go in Doomsday?”

“I don’t know!”

“Tom Hiddleston, Pedro Pascal, and Channing Tatum.”

“And David Harbour.”

“Is there any one in the line up that isn’t going to make your feral?”

“Some of the women, maybe.”

“You need a boyfriend.”

“Bless me Mother, I need a boyfriend.”

“Bless you, indeed.”

20 years

“As the Earth holds me. As the Sky sees me. As the Sun rises within me. I step out to greet the Day.”

 

last week marked the 20th anniversary of me being a witch. and reading Evolutionary Witchcraft is showing me how much i have grown as a witch and as a human.

i am not the same bitch i was, with a Silver RavenWolf book in one hand and that was pretty much it. i thought i knew everything, with that one book.

20 years later, do i know everything now? fuck no. do i want to know everything? not really.

what have i learned? i path is very tarot heavy. that is my one magic i do daily.

am i where i want to be as a witch? no. i am hoping that this year i will get there. i am reading and studying and moving forward.

and now, i need to do The Work.

sping ahead

“I am worthy of love and happiness. I deserve all the good things that come into my life.
I trust in my ability to overcome challenges and grow stronger with each experience.
I choose to focus on the present moment and let go of worries about the past or future.
I am surrounded by love and support. I am connected with the universe and guided by its wisdom.”

 

i hit my goals for the month. anything more i do is just bonus points and less work in December.

i am working. i am done with the deck studying for the year and i started in on my witchcraft books. read it all, then go back and think about it and hit it again.

i am moving forward. it took a while but with the new season coming, i got to get going. and i am. i got shit done today, even after working upstairs. i can do this. an inch a day will get me there faster then nothing at all.

go me.

here we go…

i don’t know what happens but things happen. i didn’t fall off the earth, but a vacation like that sounds nice.

i am booking along with my goals. i got a short list of things i want to 20 min a night it but Mom wants stuff down and that shoots my plans down. i need to work harder on that.

the new Daredevil show started and i have not watch it. i am behind. i am behind with the MCU. ya know something is up if yer girl is behind with the MCU.

i know why. and i know why i get weird when Colt says he has a gift for me.

so many signs says i need to move forward. i think i am. i know i’m not going backwards. i’m not going-

i am treading water. i am just treading water and not going anywhere.

i am keeping my head above water. i am doing that.

tomorrow i start reading Evolutionary Witchcraft. i feel that this is a good step for me. after that, it’s onto Crafting a Daily Practice.

maybe this is the movement i need.

Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive

“Blessed me Mother Feral for I am alive.”

“That’s always a good sign.”

“Yeah. I want to talk about my Valentines Weekend.”

“Ooo, I can hear the caps in your words. How was it? Big date.”

“I went alone.”

“How asexual of you.”

“Beside the weather and the fact I couldn’t get my oil change because the shop was out of oil, it was a great time.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The weather was crap but I was only going to Jeff because I really didn’t need to go to The City. I have enough gummies to get me to May.

“The shop was out of oil so I drove to the store to sit and use their Wi-Fi. I could get in the parking lot so, I stayed in the car.”

“Kind of creepy, go on.”

“I get to the movie theater and spent half the money on a soda then on the ticket. Fucking hell this, ANYWAY! I got a Mt Dew because they had no Dr. Pepper and man, that was a trick.

“How was the movie?”

“Captain America: Brave New World was nice. It felt like old Marvel but with new focus. The white man was the bad guy, the heroes were all POCs. It wasn’t the greatest thing ever but it was good.”

“End scene?”

“Open ended as fuck. Springfield will tell with Thunderbolts*.”

“Springfield is in-”

“Two months, 1 week, 5 days, 3 hours, give or take.”

“O… K… What happen after the movie?”

“I fought with Google maps because it wanted to take me to the Chili’s in Springfield and not the one over the hill. I won.

“I got to Chili’s and got a table and order my steak and shrimp fajitas. Once I got my food, I popped an earbud in and listen to Midnight Burger while I ate. I used my gift card and only had to pay $10 for the whole meal.”

“Tipped 30%?”

“In fucking cash. I was an easy $8 for them.

“While I was there, my phone told me that is was suppose to snow so I hurried my ass to the liquor store and decided to skip the library.”

“Making good choices I see.”

“I spend a 100 at the store.”

“What the hell did you get?”

“Rumple Minze, a big bottle of Everclear, and I found a bottle of pomegranate liqueur.”

“Why?”

“Witchcraft.”

“Is that all you going to say about it?”

“And then I came home.”

“That’s all?”

“I thought of him once while I was sitting at Chili’s.”

“But you were sitting in a 3-person row and had room for Nicole and Colt.”

“Yeah. I hope to seduce Colt to come up here to see The Fantastic Four: First Steps.”

“But you did this all on your own.”

“Yes. If the weather was better, I think I would have had a better time. But, if i need to see Fantastic Four by myself, I know I can do it.”

“Fuck right.”

“Fuck. Right.”

weekly update

i am 112% done for the month, 20% done for the year, giving me a D. whoot.

i am trying to do things in an organized order. i think in years past, i was spreading myself thin, trying to do it all, at once, get burned out, and then quit it all together.

and i really need to get my ass in gear with some goals. i need to work on Feral Witchcraft before i can start reading some of my books. i want to get done studying my new decks before i start making my own.

i have been using my snow days to get cleaning done. once that is done (kitchen and witchcraft cabinet really needs it) upkeep will be easy. and then more time for me.

there are still things i need to do, i just don’t know what to do.

first, get some The Work done and then, cleaning.

weekly update

i am 99% done for the month, 18% done for the year, giving me a F+. whoot!

i am very much looking forward to my big VD celebration this weekend. i hope to do all i have plan.

i have ideas and there seems to be a block in them. i know my card of the month is the Hanged Man but i am trying hard to make inches forward.

maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s work, maybe it’s Colt, but the blars is getting bad. there is good veins of good here but, the rest can drag a bitch down.

weekly update

i am 92% done for the month, 17% done for the year, giving me a F.

i have started working out. it ain’t much but it is something.

i have gotten back with working on the witchcraft. i want that done before i start reading other books.

i got the last of the Seasons of the Witch decks. i’m excited to get them studied and start the next level of my cartomancy and witchcraft.

i have my gift card for Chili’s and ready to go see Captain America. i am going by myself. i know i will be ok with that.

there’s things i want to write about but, i don’t know if i’m ready for that or if it needs to see the light of day.

it’s funny there’s things i don’t think i can’t say to Colt and Nicole but i can write them and push it out onto the internet.

musings

i tried to get the groundhog out to jump start spring and it didn’t work.

i did see the first crocus today! the snow is done and there is the start of spring! whoot!

work, work was getting to me on a spiritual level. things didn’t go bad or wrong, it was just, blargh.

i miss writing. i want to but i want to get other shit done first.

and that what is i am doing this year. i am focusing on one project at a time to get there. i am moving inches forward and it is getting me places.

there are things that i have been thinking about that i don’t want to put down on paper yet.

the idea of a paper journal, that may never see the light of day, is becoming and idea that i might have to do.

weekly update

i’m 144% done for the month, 13% for the year, giving me a C+.

i think my goals are set for the year. things keep popping up and i need to change things.

the lair is almost base clean. i just need to hit the kitchen.

the more i get into the various Seasons of the Witch decks, the more i keep getting excited about how this is gonna change how i want to practice.

i know the next month brings a new program, for lack of word. going with the mind/body/soul theory of working on each one, one day at a time, making forward progress and moving inches.

time to get up and do some shit.

weekly update

i am 127% done for the month, 12% done for the year, giving me a D+.

i am still going forward. there is cleaning i want to do today. i am so close to getting stuff done so i can go to the next level.

weekly update

i am 115% done for the month, 10% done for the year, giving me a D-.

i rock.

and i’m not done doing everything for the month.

i am trying do hard to get everything cleaned right now. February i want to start working, having each day be dedicated to mind, body, or soul.

moving forward, getting shit done, doing The Work, becoming a better person.

it’s coming up to a year on my breakup. and it really do take a year to work shit out.

it’s time to get back to it.

getting shit done

i cleaned my bedroom and put all my clothes away.

that was a hell of a win for me today.

next Saturday i want to get the living room under control. and maybe get the altars cleaned on Wednesday.

my goal to get everything cleaned by VD day is becoming more and more of a real thing. i thought it wasn’t going to be possible but fuck, it’s becoming real!

fuck yeah!

mostly due to part of me being off work for 3 days because of snow. i shouldn’t have been excited, on my snow day, to spend it cleaning my bathroom, knowing that the next day i will get more cleaning done.

i seem to lose my shit/gods damn mind in October, after my birthday, that takes me 3 months to come to. i don’t want to do that this year. i want to leave this place spotless and come home to it clean.

and that starts now. i am very gun-ho to get this place under control. then i can move onto the more magical things that need to be done.

weekly update

i am 83% done for the month, 8% done for the year, giving me a F.

go me.

go me indeed. i got my head on straight about this shit.

i am cleaning. i can not focus on any of my studies while living in less-than-ideal lair.

plus, i want this place shinier in case anyone wants to visit me.

my 5 days of fun are over. tomorrow i go back to work. i have no clue how that place will look like but, eh. i’ll start fires if needed.

Saturday i have hopes of getting my bathroom clean. 20 mins on, 10 mins off, all while listening to Unend is how i’m going to do it. i got my vanity and most of the area around it cleaned off. bathroom seems the next stuff.

i want everything cleaned by the end of the month. i think i can swing it. then i can start working on the next level.

court day!

court was today.

court? why did i have to go to court today? to show up as an heir to my father.

to settle some estates.

Grandma died in 2012. nothing was done with The Farm.

Larry (my uncle) died in 2017. nothing was done with The Farm.

my family commandeered Grandma’s house. no one was living in it, since my uncle died, and our trailer was going to shit.

then my father died.

so, who owns what now?

well, to the best i know, Grandma’s name was still on everything and with half of her children dead, why changed anything? my aunt, Elaine, didn’t want to change anything “too much” in case any one of my dead relatives would come back.

from the dead.

so, some how my brother sorted out that we could sue, someone (?), to settle father’s estate and thusly, settle ALL THE FUCKING SHIT THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR THE PAST 13 YEARS!

by the end of the year, the house could have my name on it.

and that reminds me of a story.

once upon a time, young Amer read every fucking book on the Salem Witch trails in the library. just started top left and read down the shelf.

what she remembers is most of the women accused were older, had property, and no men folk in charge of them. see, if you got arrested, the cops got all your stuff.

me getting my name on this house would put me on a witch goal i never knew i wanted.

i saw signs yesterday. i keep wanting to make an ancestor altar but something keeps me from it.

and now i think i know why.