whole

There’s the internet meme of “I’m just random number of random animals in a trench coat” and I never fully gotten it till now.

Last year I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years. The last few months I’m been texting a guy I met off Tinder. Me and this guy have very similar taste in things and I’m just loving it. I met him at PRIDE and, he’s real and a fully formed person.

This past spring, I went on a rewatch of The Sopranos. That was the Ex’s fav show. I watched it once when we were dating and enjoyed it.

This time it was different. I saw all the things that the Ex had just copied whole from the show into his personality.

There is always a line from one of the Ex’s fav movies that keep blaring in my head, “...there is an idea of a Patrick Bateman…”

And I keep thinking about the idea of the Ex.

I can trace back parts of my personality to where it “started.” Watching The Wizard of Oz every year and wanting to be the Wicked Witch of the West, that got me into witchcraft. My mom’s choice of music influenced mine, Meat Loaf and Bob Seager. Another ex introduced me to Buffy and that led into wanting to see Avengers and the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole led to Bowie. Marching band gave me Phantom of the Opera. My sister gave me Supernatural.

But! That is just pinpointing when those items were introduced to me. I still had the power to say no. And furthermore, I took those items and made them my own.

I watched too much M*A*S*H, read The Bell Jar, and watched Dr. No and that led me to vodka martinis and vodka as a whole.

The Ex just mashed up Patrick Batman and Tony Soprano.

I am a whole person.

The new guy is a whole person.

This is what I have been missing for a long time.