day 21

maybe tomorrow i’ll have the energy to write.

day 20

i am tired. time to take drugs and forget everything, at least for one night.

day 19

i need a day off.

day 18

i am tired.

this week has been hitting harder than usual.

i went to the river today. just took a right and went there. cleaned up some trash that fuckers had left and was gifted with 2 sticks, win win for everyone.

day 17

i am looking forward to my CD coming this week. then, i need to learn to rip it onto my phone. then one night this week, take a gummy and let the music wash over me and cleanse me of my sins.

i need to get cracking with my year goals. only got 84% of them done and i am hoping to make it to 90%. i am not going to kill myself getting them done but i want more.

it’s time to work on them and then to bed.

day 16

coming home from work, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” popped up on my Pandora. and before i could ask the question out loud, i said yes.

i have found what i’m looking for. i found happiness.

i was such a frog in boiling water when i was at that fucking store.

day 15

it hit me today.

it’s ungodly warm for November, the sun is shining, the leaves are at a contest falling off the tress that you only see in the movies, the ground is wet with leaves, in that sexy fall way, and it all come to a point that this has been the best November i have felt in a long time.

because i am not at the fucking store.

there is no hint of Christmas anywhere near me, there has been no talk about Black Friday or shopping or any other shit. it’s been November.

and when i mention plans and traditions for Thanksgiving/Christmas, no one is judging me for not doing it right.

i am living my best life right now.

day 14

fuck this, i wrote for my story.

day 13

time to shower and get high.

day 12

last night i upped the flirting game with Izzy.

it’s odd how my brain has been rewired (?) of late with starting this relationship. i’m not dating to marry, there is no white dress dream, there is no saying “I love you” but there are the real thoughts of kissing and things to happen between us.

 I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same

 

and i have been alone. it’s not the fact i broke up over a year now, it’s the fact the last year of my serious relationship lack love and affection.

and a lot of other things.

casual. it’s something new. something i’ve never really have done before.

i’m scared and excited. starting off my crone chapter of my life living out my Lover life.

day 11

i am cashing in my Fetch points early (not waiting for $50) to get Everybody Scream by Florence and the Machine. i hope to get it by next week.

i’m thinking that maybe i won’t make it to 30 days with my mind/body/soul. i’m so use to doing this meditation that that i am not getting into as much as i should. i’m going to try for 2 weeks and then see where i am from there. tonight makes it day 6 so, half way there.

i keep thinking of things for my new story while at work. maybe this weekend i will get a chance to put some stuff on paper.

and i really need to clean. trash is bad and i want to put all my laundry away and try to tidy up some things before the New Year.

day 10

i want to write but i lack the time to do so.

NoJoMo has taken up all that from me. and morning papers are taking a toil also.

i keep thinking about my new story. i don’t have a plot yet but i do have characters and a setting and things that happen. it’s a start with that.

and i miss my other project. especially since that one ties into my new story.

i am moving forward. got to meditate tonight, making day 5.

slowly but surly…

day 9

i feel like shit because my life is going well and my friends’ lives are failing.

their jobs do not pay enough for the fancy lifestyle of wanting a roof over your head and food on the table.

my mind is going old with the idea of winter coming and hoping to have enough food store up to make it to the growing season. and this brings worries over my loved ones.

day 8

new goal plans.

i have mind/body/soul listed as a daily goal. i want to either work out, meditate, or do gummies, every day.

i have been bad at this. and now i’ve added stakes to it.

i have a book with a guided meditation cd. i’ve set myself the goal to do each session 15 times before i can go to the next one. that boils down to having to do mind/body/soul 30 days in a row.

so i’ve done the gummies two days, today is gonna be a meditate night. tomorrow will be a work out day, and so on.

i also need to up my daily practice. i need to read the book and see what is the next level.

only going up, from here to the end of the calendar year.

day 7

things keep on going and i am still here.

i need to write. i have a story and i think i like this one better than any of the ones in the past. it’s a mash of Buffy and American Horror Story: Coven. the one line i have in my head that i really like is “There’s got to be more to being a witch then fucking vampires!”

November is really becoming my celebration of Samhain. it feels even more so this year since i am fucking out of retail and fucking Christmas shoved down my throat.

i think i need to write, with pen and paper. i think i need to think of poems again.

i want November to be good to me and for me. i want to clean tomorrow and get ready to start 2026.

day 6

i very much need to really write and not this one sentence posts.

but that’s for another night.

day 5

it’s time to bring the A game.

day 4

DID SOMETHING STUPID AND NOW HE HASN’T TEXT BACK YET AND OH MY GODS!!!

day 3

Colt, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I was such a bitch to you on Halloween or why I have been a bitch in general to you.

I still worry about you, love you, and pray for you.

I don’t feel #ILoveYou3000 or #CuzWereConnected is as strong as it was.

I know I have changed, and that I am still changing. With the changes, I know I still want you in my life.

I am sorry.

day 2

last few years i have gotten a Halloween ritual that i love and feels right.

the biggest part of it is watching The VVitch. and this year, it hit me on why i love this movie so much.

i have always wanted to be a witch. it wasn’t just a Halloween costume, it was a goal, to be witch, to be like the Wicked Witch of the West, she was the end goal, green and monkeys if need be. that’s who i wanted to be when i grew up.

but witches weren’t real, only in the books and movies and all pure fantasy.

and then when i was 8, i found out about the Salem Witch Trials.

i don’t remember the book 100%. it was from my town’s library, it was from the children’s section, and problem written in the 70s or 80s, so the info wasn’t the best but it was there.

what i remember is the realization of witches are real and this happen here, where i live.

it would be another 20 years, or so, before i got bored and started reading all the books that same library had on the trials. i found them on the shelf and just started with the first on and went down the shelf.

and The VVitch is all that. it was this Halloween, in bed with Izzy, that i thought, little Amer would love this movie.

day 1

hello November.

driving home this morning, the sun was right and the leaves were colorful. the crows were out and i saw 2 deer.

it felt right.

and it was nice after the Halloween night i had.

after a brief pit-stop at a Taco Bell parking lot, near a roundabout, for the only magic i was doing that night, i was off to pick up Izzy and start the festivities.

there was pizza and pumpkin pie and ice cream and The VVitch and classic IT.

i had awoke at 6 Halloween morning and stayed up till midnight! whoot!

they are wonderful. i feel seen as a whole person.

and they are a whole person.

and i just need to stop being shy about things so things can go forward.

and i got other things going on in my head too.

November is going to be busy.