August 2, 2017

"One, my real name is Amerwitch. Two, I'm not straight."

sometime last year i learned about the word asexual and demisexual. and the more i looked into it, the more i felt that, this is me, i am part of the asexuals, i am demisexual.
and if i wasn’t straight, then i could have sex with a woman.
and that thought open a whole new world to me.
but in the last few months, i’ve began to question all that, the whole demisexual label (along with a whole lot of other labels). and i keep thinking things over and over.
there’s two parts with identity your sexual orientation, what gender you are and what gender/s you are attractive to.
i’m a woman. there’s no other way i want to identify but as she/her woman. there’s some other issues going on (for another blog post) but i’m a woman, hear me roar.
and, who turns me on?
and that’s where things get, fuzzy.
identifying as demisexual means i am not sexual attractive to anyone until i get a deep and close bond to them. and i don’t think that’s me.
i’m not going start hopping in bed with anyone and throwing cares out the window. i’m still me, a bit uptight about sex but when it’s just me and my boyfriend, passion.
so, if i’m not demi, what am i? well, who am i attractive to?
i’ve always had a “thing” for men in makeup/drag queens. there’s something about them that makes them so pretty. i also tend to be drawn to butch women.
the final kick in the pants for me was finding and inhaling about all of the videos that ContraPoints have on their YouTube channel. i saw beauty and grace and that body in them dresses with that voice, and she can play piano and sing and she can play the harmonica, and her style of videos, and then she dressed more masculine and she’s genderqueer…
and with her saying she’s genderqueer, i had to stop and think about me for a minute.
see, when i came to terms about being demi, i also came to terms that i am a butch, cis woman.
this past summer, i thought it would be fun to be more “girly” and when it came to my three days weekends with my boyfriend, i wore maxi skirts the whole time (kinda proud i have that many in my wardrobe). i even went as far as to try to buy girl flip flops (i have size mens 11 feet) and ended up sewing some flair on mens flipflops to make then girly.
and what i took from that is, i fuck with people when i present as more traditional feminine. i’m still butch, i just like to do it in skirts too.
but watching Arielle Scarcella videos, i have learned that there’s lvls to being butch. and maybe i’m more of a lipstick butch then anything.
ok, if i’m not a demi butch cis woman, and i’m still ok with being called a lipstick butch cis woman, what am i?
bisexual? no, not really.
pansexual? maybe?
queer? and this is my own issue be.
i like the idea of calling myself queer. it goes along with the idea of me liking men in makeup and butch women. but, there’s a bit of “no” in my mind about calling myself that.
to the outside world, i’m straight. i have a boyfriend and the fact is, i’ve only had sex with cis men. i feel like “you are straight, you have no right to use that term”.
queer, to me, is this umbrella term that all the weirdos can come and sit and be. and this would be my place.
but, to the outside world i look straight.
and i forgotten the polyamorous plot point to this mess.
so, what am i? how do i identify so the outside world can understand me?
well, i don’t care about the outside world understanding me. really, have i in the past 20 odd years?
let them see a straight woman.
hi. my name is Amerwitch. i am a queer, cis, lipstick butch woman.

No comments: