blog of a German Roman Catholic cis school girl gone wrong/born again pagan, queer witch, reader, writer, heterosexual life partner/girlfriend, ordained minister, girlfriend, lover, hardcore crocheter, proud nerdgirl, sister-in-law, and aunty.
it’s this time of year. look back in history, i had a crash in 2014, Furguson happen same year, and now, this.
and it’s odd being on Twitter because there’s the bots i follow, ignoring everything that’s going on, people i follow with their rants and news, and then there’s a handful of people tweeting out cat pics to brighten the day because, shit has beyond hit the fan.
today was a lump day. i couldn’t get going to do anything. i will try tomorrow but i don’t know.
positive things: ice cream date with Colt and Matthew next Sunday, Guardians come out, and there’s the thing with my niece and nephew being born too.
i ripped out the pages of my bullet journal and turned the whole notebook into my ToDoList.
it started for just today (my day off) and then it went on about my next two days off and then it turned into for the rest of the month.
i have 97 things written down to do and did 13 today.
am i going to get all 97 done by the end of the month? no, probably not. some are long term goals that i want done by the end of the year. i set myself the goal of getting 60% of my goals done for the month.
and then kinda pad out the list with things i know i will be doing, like blogging and my laundry.
i have written in a notebook and put it on Evernote to boot. i hope this way keeps me on my toes and get shit done.
i think i moved 2 inches today and might move some more to get my bed cleared off before i sleep tonight.
i have been having some problems with my identity, of the late. i know i wrote about being more queer then demi but there was something else nagging at me.
it’s this whole “i’m not really butch but calling myself a lipstick butch seems fake” thoughts that keep going back and forth in my head.
and then last night it all became clear.
i am a collage educated woman and at the same time i can break out the Appalachian accent and be the redneck i was raised to be. i can drink Long Island Ice Teas at the gay bar all night or a single, strong martini at a retirement party and still be the same person.
i am many layers and i am of the one. why femininity can be that way too, from butch to lipstick, in a week, a day, an hour.
i don’t have to be the one thing to be all the things. i can be me and let others sort this out.
German Roman Catholic cis school girl gone wrong/born again pagan, queer witch, reader, writer, heterosexual life partner/girlfriend, ordained minister, girlfriend, lover, hardcore crocheter, proud nerdgirl, sister-in-law, and aunty.
2016: German Roman Catholic school girl gone wrong/born again pagan, witch, reader, writer, heterosexual life partner, ordained minister, girlfriend, lover, hardcore crocheter, proud nerdgirl, and sister-in-law.
2014: you leave an inch of space to write down “who are you?” fuck this. i can’t write it down in just an inch. if anything, just read this whole fucking blog, this is who i am.
and here’s the kicker, i’m changing. so, you need to read this every day, and look to see what is being changed.
sometime last year i learned about the word asexual and demisexual. and the more i looked into it, the more i felt that, this is me, i am part of the asexuals, i am demisexual.
and if i wasn’t straight, then i could have sex with a woman.
and that thought open a whole new world to me.
but in the last few months, i’ve began to question all that, the whole demisexual label (along with a whole lot of other labels). and i keep thinking things over and over.
there’s two parts with identity your sexual orientation, what gender you are and what gender/s you are attractive to.
i’m a woman. there’s no other way i want to identify but as she/her woman. there’s some other issues going on (for another blog post) but i’m a woman, hear me roar.
and, who turns me on?
and that’s where things get, fuzzy.
identifying as demisexual means i am not sexual attractive to anyone until i get a deep and close bond to them. and i don’t think that’s me.
i’m not going start hopping in bed with anyone and throwing cares out the window. i’m still me, a bit uptight about sex but when it’s just me and my boyfriend, passion.
so, if i’m not demi, what am i? well, who am i attractive to?
i’ve always had a “thing” for men in makeup/drag queens. there’s something about them that makes them so pretty. i also ten to be drawn to butch women.
the final kick in the pants for me was finding and inhaling about all of the videos that ContraPoints have on their YouTube channel. i saw beauty and grace and that body in them dresses with that voice, and she can play piano and sing and she can play the harmonica, and her style of videos, and then she dressed more masculine and she’s genderqueer…
and with her saying she’s genderqueer, i had to stop and think about me for a minute.
see, when i came to terms about being demi, i also came to terms that i am a butch, cis woman.
this past summer, i thought it would be fun to be more “girly” and when it came to my three days weekends with my boyfriend, i wore maxi skirts the whole time (kinda proud i have that many in my wardrobe). i even went as far as to try to buy girl flip flops (i have size mens 11 feet) and ended up sewing some flair on mens flipflops to make then girly.
and what i took from that is, i fuck with people when i present as more traditional feminine. i’m still butch, i just like to do it in skirts too.
but watching Arielle Scarcella videos, i have learned that there’s lvls to being butch. and maybe i’m more of a lipstick butch then anything.
ok, if i’m not a demi butch cis woman, and i’m still ok with being called a lipstick butch cis woman, what am i?
bisexual? no, not really.
queer? and this is my own issue be.
i like the idea of calling myself queer. it goes along with the idea of me liking men in makeup and butch women. but, there’s a bit of “no” in my mind about calling myself that.
to the outside world, i’m straight. i have a boyfriend and the fact is, i’ve only had sex with cis men. i feel like “you are straight, you have no right to use that term”.
queer, to me, is this umbrella term that all the weirdos can come and sit and be. and this would be my place.
but, to the outside world i look straight.
and i forgotten the polyamorous plot point to this mess.
so, what am i? how do i identify so the outside world can understand me?
well, i don’t care about the outside world understanding me. really, have i in the past 20 odd years?
let them see a straight woman.
hi. my name is Amerwitch. i am a queer, cis, lipstick butch woman.
i don’t have words. all i know is that i need to write.
and no, this will not be an update.
i know i do not put out the original content that i should. i don’t blog, i don’t post wit on Twitter, i really don’t use Tumblr, and i just found out i’ve had a WordPress from 2009.
and now i have this stirring to make vlogs. i’ve been watching too much of Thomas Sanders and now of ContraPoints. and with those (and seeing some of the weird stuff out there that CountraPoints showed in their videos), why not me? i have some ideas and things that could work.
just need to find video editing software. that, i am clueless about.
other things are clicking, more on that later.
things, are good. not the best but somewhat better.