June 7, 2017

"how's the kittys?"



“how are the kittys?” it’s a question that is asked often.
Matthew ask how my cats are. it’s early, last week Tuesday. i’m at the store, looking for makeup for Pride.
and then he tells me the next thing that changes everything for the worse.
Shiner died. ** ***** *** ******* ** ** *** *****.  
and then everything goes so weird.
i met him twice, i think and he had soul piercing blue eyes and a rawness to him.
but he’s Matthews’s good friend and Matthew talked about him all the time and…
and i tried to go on my day of shopping with Mom.
Matthew calls me the next day and we talked and i tell him i can make it to the funeral tomorrow and then i call him back and tell him i’ll be there today.
and i throw together outfits for the vitiation and the funeral and something to wear there and get Kelly’s old car, with $60 Mom gave me, and make my way there.
i check into the hotel room. i find Star Trek and mute it while i watched The Handmaiden’s Tale on my tablet.
Matthew shows up and he’s a mess.
it pours down rain while we drive to Lebanon. we get lost but find the funeral parlor.
i hated the place. it was way to city for me and made me miss Morton’s.
i couldn’t look at him in that coffin. i couldn’t bring myself to let that be the last memory of him, laying in that box.
i sat in a corner and Matthew talked to everyone. the whole time i was down there, he kept rattle off names of classmates, wanting to get in touch with them to make sure they knew Shiner had died.
get back to the hotel room and we sleep.
wake up, check out, i demanded to be fed before the funeral, and back to Lebanon.
the first preacher was fine. the 2nd one was Matthew’s old baseball coach and i hated it. too much on the ideal of a happy afterlife, not enough about the life we are missing.
Matthew was a pallbearer. he kept saying it was the lest he could do.
and then we drove out to buttfuck to bury him. turned off the paved road onto the gravel road, that’s how far out we got.
back to Lebanon for Taco Bell before we drove back to my car and i drove back home.
i was there for a bit over 24 hours.
and i’m still crying over this lost, this life that was not a part of mine but part of someone i love.
and i’m mad.
i’m mad that he won’t be in my wedding party.
i’m mad there’s no further where he’s there, playing with my children.
i’m mad at the idea of his mother, standing in his apartment, wondering what to do with his dirty socks and leftovers in his fridge.
i’m made that i sat in the corner of and cried so much that Matthew’s parents asked me if i was ok.
i’m made that i’m the one that’s here to take care of Matthew. i have to deal with a broken boyfriend and he’s just fucking dead.
i’m mad that i keep playing this out only with Colt in the coffin and how i want to go first because i don’t want to live in a world without the loves of my life.
i’m just mad it was such a stupid way to die and such a waste and what the hell is the point of anything anymore?

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