June 30, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1362

“What can you live without right now?”

there seems to be this thing where “you’re poor, why are you going out to McD’s for lunch instead of staying home and cooking? see, you are rich to afford such a luxury as food!”
so, no, i’m not buying into this idea of “what can you live without?” because it’s i live with what i have because i’ve worked to get here.
2016: is this supposed to make me think of how i’m supposed to be better off with something, like too much internet or air?
i can live without a lot of stuff, the question is do i want to? no. i like what i have and not giving up anything.
2015: still stand with last year’s answer.
2014: i hate questions like this. it’s not the matter of what i can live without, it’s the matter of why the hell would i want to? how will that make me a better person or some other bullshit?

30 Days of Pride: *BONUS*

*BONUS* Share a picture of you showing your pride! Happy Pride Month!

maybe next year…

30 Days of Pride: Day 30

Why are you PROUD to be LGBTQ+?

last year i felt like a phony for doing this. i only just realized i fall on the asexual line of life, the Pulse shooting happen, and i never had sex with a woman. how can i put myself in the same boat as all the “real” gays?
but, i’m not straight. i like looking at naked women and men in drag, i keep watching these Youtube videos about being a lesbian and taking notes, and i’m just this queer little duck in this world.
i’m not the queerest and to the outside world, i am straight but i’m not.
and that’s it, that’s the line. i try to say, out loud, “i’m straight” and what comes out is “i’m not.”
so, why am i proud? if anything, i’m here to fuck with people who think i’m straight, who think what you see is what you get. i’m proud to put questions of all things before all the white, county fools i live with.
i’m here to fuck things up and i’m damn proud of that.

June 29, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1361

“What are you top songs on your ‘recently played’ list?”

working 6 days in a row, it’s all about my vids on Youtube.
2016: itunes is down and i don’t have any. :’(
2015: top three
  1. “Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone
  2. “Interrogation Song” by Ty Burrell, Sam the Eagle and The Muppets
  3. “Heroes” by David Bowie
2014: top three
  1. “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic
  2. “Invisible” by U2
  3. “White Walls” by Macklemore

30 Days of Pride: Day 29

What do you love most about yourself?

nothing right now.

June 28, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1360

“If your mood were a weather forecast, you’d be____.”

2016: lazy.
2015: calm, and then it’s really dark and depressing.
2014: dark, foreboding, overcast, with danger in air.
and windy.

30 Days of Pride: Day 28

Share how YOU are going to change the world.

i got a niece and a nephew coming and i’m going to make sure i am the best fucking aunt ever and help them if they are not on the straight and narrow path.

June 27, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1359

“When was the last time you ate pizza? What kind?”

today. i cooked some frozen pizzas.
2016: last week Tuesday at Pizza Hut.
2015: Monday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.
2014: Tuesday. it was buffet at Pizza Hut.

30 Days of Pride: Day 27

Treat yourself today, and share a picture of it!

i didn’t treat myself so no pics.

June 26, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1358

“What is your biggest indulgence?”

2016: food.
2015: food.
2014: air.

30 Days of Pride: Day 26

Share who in the LGBTQ+ community (past or present) inspires you. Why?

Nicole and Colt are my inspires.
why? Nicole has been here forever and Colt is the thorn in my side that makes me move.

June 25, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1357

“Who is your closest companion?”

my network is now Colt, Jessica, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.
2016: i still have my network!
Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby!
2015: i don’t have one, i have a network: Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.
2014: Nicole.

30 Days of Pride: Day 25

Take a selfie - you are beautiful!

no pics.

June 24, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1356

“What’s your next social engagement?”

Matthew’s birthday.
2016: this weekend with Mathew.
2015: i think it’s the date for Matthew’s birthday followed by an Ant-Man birthday weekend.
2014: posting this blog.

30 Days of Pride: Day 24

Share your greatest achievement.

it wasn’t till, last year or so i was watching The Color Purple. there’s the part where Whoopi Goldberg has the line: “I'm poor, black, I might even be ugly, but dear God, I'm here. I'm here.”
and i know, i am white and living that privilege life but there are many times when i come back to this blog to write and i write “i’m still here.”
and that’s where i get the line from. it’s my bastard quote from The Color Purple.
and that’s my greatest achievement, i’m still here.

June 23, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1355

“When was the last time you cried?”

Shiner’s funeral.
2016: i really don’t remember.
2015: i really don’t remember.
i “should” have when Colt and Jacob left, but i didn’t.
2014: it was within the last week. i teared up at the end of watching Phantom.

30 Days of Pride: Day 23

Share a picture of you and your family or friends.

yeah, not sharing pics of anyone right now.

June 22, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1354

“What was the last movie you saw in a theater?”

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 with Colt and Matthew.
2016: Me Before You with Matthew.
2015: Avengers: Age of Ultron with my men: Colt, Matthew, and Jacob.
2014: X-Men: Days of Future Past with Colt and Matthew.

30 Days of Pride: Day 22

Share a picture of you and your best friend!

i don’t have a pic of all my friends and i don’t feel like posting a slew of pics.
i will name names!
Colt, Matthew, Nicole, and Shelby.

June 21, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1353

“Who do you want to know better?”

no one, right now.
2016: Jacob. he is so like no one i imagine having in my life it’s like some kind of experiment having him in my circle.
2015: this past year, i’ve been learning a lot about myself. i think i’m hitting new lvls.
2014: Colt.

30 Days of Pride: Day 21

How did you meet the last person you had feelings for?


June 20, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1352

“Write the first sentence of your autobiography.”

2016: Once upon a time…
2015: She was loved by many.
2014: She was a witch.

30 Days of Pride: Day 20

Share something you love about your significant other - or - how you’re making the most of being single.

after seeing Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, me, Colt, and Matthew went to Taco Bell. Matthew was going off on soothing or another and Colt txt me if he ever shut ups.
i txt Colt back that he doesn’t, and he paces and i love him for it.

June 19, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1351

“What was the last personal letter you received?”

Colt sent me a book.
2016: i get the random letter from Colt and Jacob.
2015: Colt and Shadow sent me a Valentine this year.
2014: like in the mail? 2006.
Colt did write me a goodbye letter before he left.

30 Days of Pride: Day 19

Share your favorite memory.

i’m not picking one. i pick anytime i’m with Colt and Matthew.

June 18, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1350

“What was the last meal someone cooked for you?”

2016: Mom.
2015: Mom made supper last night.
2014: Mom, today.

30 Days of Pride: Day 18

Name someone you know who inspires you and share why.

Colt and Nicole.
Colt because he gets to write. and most of my other projects are related to him.
Nicole, she’s who i want to be when i grow up.

June 17, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1349

“The best hour of today was___. Why?”

none really stick out.
2016: the time i spent with Jessica and Emily.
why? because i got to meet Emily and me and Jessica hashed out things.
2015: not an hour but my time walking was great.
why? fastest mile ever and just feeling great. it’s almost like meditating.
2014: the hour me and Mathew ate out. it was just awesome.

30 Days of Pride: Day 17

Share something you’d like to improve about yourself.


June 16, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1348

“What makes you cynical?”

the store.
2016: so with i’ve been saying.
2015: will go with last year’s answer.
2014: ok, so the definition of “cynical” on my Merriam-Webster Dictionary app is: “believing that people are generally selfish and dishonest.”
working at Wal-Mart and have the customers just lie to you, all day, every day.

30 Days of Pride: Day 16

Name your best quality.

right now i don’t feel like i have one.

June 15, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1347

“What’s your favorite gadget?”

my cell phone.
2016: HAMMER!!!
2015: hammer!
2014: a hammer.

30 Days of Pride: Day 15

Name a company that is a positive force in the LGBTQ+ community.

i don’t know off the top of my head. i will say this. do they wave the rainbow flag during June and then go back to doing nothing the other 11 months of the year? how are they treating their employees? them the question to ask when you want to do looking for positive force.

June 14, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1346

“Did you exercise today?”

2016: no.
went shopping with Mom, in the heat. that’s my workout.
2015: no.
2014: not really. i went shopping with Mom and that has walking so i will say i did ½.

twin news

the baby shower was Sunday.
we made 500 pigs in a blankets.
we made too many.
Mom laid out all her wares and she had easily some $1000 in quilts.
and Sarah really don’t care.
she turned down baby clothes from her sisters because she didn’t want anything outdated.
she is turning into a fucking uppity snob about shit.
her sisters don’t know where this is coming from. i can only think she is trying to live this picture-perfect life and that’s gonna crash down on her when the twins get here.
i’m hoping to see Jessica next week to talk shit out.
and find things out.

30 Days of Pride: Day 14

Tag your #InstaCrush. Share a picture of them!

if i had one, it would be Colt.
and his blog is at http://www.thedarkshark.com

June 13, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1345

“Something that made you worry today ___.”

not a damn thing.
2016: Orlando.
and my boys.
2015: general worries about Colt.
2014: i had no worries today.

30 Days of Pride: Day 13

Are your religious? Why or why not?

i’m a witch, i’m a pagan. that’s who i am.
as right now, i’m more lapsed then anything. i am slowly working my way back on to my path and back to the craft.

June 12, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1344

“Is something in your way? Can you move it?”

i need to get back to moving. i’m not right now and it’s starting to bring me down.
2016: it’s my room but i am moving, one slow step at a time.
2015: i am moving, one foot at a time.
2014: if there is, it’s me.

30 Days of Pride: Day 12

Name your favorite fictional LGBTQ+ character.

hmm. i had to look at last year’s to see how i answered it.
there’s Willow from Buffy
there’s Hedwig from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
there’s Tim Curry’s Dr. Frank-N-Furter from Rocky Horror.
and i’m gonna say Bowie.
before you fight me over Bowie, that man had a lot of personas. and no matter what, he was a queer duck out there in the world. he may have been straight, but he, he, him, HIM, is a beacon for all us odd ducks to flock to. and i’ll put money that he’s got a bit more of the LGBTQA peeps then some other singers.

June 11, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1343

“What is your favorite thing to do on a Friday night?”

see, you are thinking that i work some Monday-Friday job and have this thing called a weekend.
i don’t. i work. Friday is usually my Tuesday so go sort that out.
2016: what i like to do every day, just relax before i have to go to bed.
2015: eh.
2014: eh.

30 Days of Pride: Day 11

When was the first time you fell in love? Who was it with?

his name was Christopher.
and that’s all i got to say about that.

June 10, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1342

“How many cups of coffee did you drink today?”

2016: still don’t drink coffee.
2015: still don’t drink coffee.
2014: i don’t drink coffee.

30 Days of Pride: Day 10

What is the most influential LGBTQ+ event you’ve attended?

i could go stereotypical and say it’s when i saw Phantom for the first time.
i have been to the strip club on fetish night and saw some lesbians go at it.
and i went to the gay bar with Colt and Matthew last month.
i really haven’t been to any “real” events.

June 9, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1341

“What makes a good friend?”

i don’t know.
2016: Colt, Jacob, Matthew, Nicole, Shelby.
2015: Colt, Matthew, Nicole.
2014: i’m not going there.

30 Days of Pride: Day 9

What ‘tribe’ do you identify with?

erp. butch?
i took a Buzzfeed quiz, and while it was for gay men, it said i was a geek.
i got no clue.

June 8, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1340

“What makes you miserable?”

the fight between Matthew and Nicole and how it seems to not 
2016: the situation that i am currently in.
2015: being owned money and not having be paid back.
2014: 6 days in a row.

30 Days of Pride: Day 8

Who is your greatest supporter?

my men.

June 7, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1339

“What do you feel grateful for today?”

i had the day off.
2016: Matthew will be here and my room is slightly better.
2015: i’m not going to be at work the next two days, the same days that Jessica is gone.
2014: it’s summer.

"how's the kittys?"

“how are the kittys?” it’s a question that is asked often.
Matthew ask how my cats are. it’s early, last week Tuesday. i’m at the store, looking for makeup for Pride.
and then he tells me the next thing that changes everything for the worse.
Shiner died. ** ***** *** ******* ** ** *** *****.  
and then everything goes so weird.
i met him twice, i think and he had soul piercing blue eyes and a rawness to him.
but he’s Matthews’s good friend and Matthew talked about him all the time and…
and i tried to go on my day of shopping with Mom.
Matthew calls me the next day and we talked and i tell him i can make it to the funeral tomorrow and then i call him back and tell him i’ll be there today.
and i throw together outfits for the vitiation and the funeral and something to wear there and get Kelly’s old car, with $60 Mom gave me, and make my way there.
i check into the hotel room. i find Star Trek and mute it while i watched The Handmaiden’s Tale on my tablet.
Matthew shows up and he’s a mess.
it pours down rain while we drive to Lebanon. we get lost but find the funeral parlor.
i hated the place. it was way to city for me and made me miss Morton’s.
i couldn’t look at him in that coffin. i couldn’t bring myself to let that be the last memory of him, laying in that box.
i sat in a corner and Matthew talked to everyone. the whole time i was down there, he kept rattle off names of classmates, wanting to get in touch with them to make sure they knew Shiner had died.
get back to the hotel room and we sleep.
wake up, check out, i demanded to be fed before the funeral, and back to Lebanon.
the first preacher was fine. the 2nd one was Matthew’s old baseball coach and i hated it. too much on the ideal of a happy afterlife, not enough about the life we are missing.
Matthew was a pallbearer. he kept saying it was the lest he could do.
and then we drove out to buttfuck to bury him. turned off the paved road onto the gravel road, that’s how far out we got.
back to Lebanon for Taco Bell before we drove back to my car and i drove back home.
i was there for a bit over 24 hours.
and i’m still crying over this lost, this life that was not a part of mine but part of someone i love.
and i’m mad.
i’m mad that he won’t be in my wedding party.
i’m mad there’s no further where he’s there, playing with my children.
i’m mad at the idea of his mother, standing in his apartment, wondering what to do with his dirty socks and leftovers in his fridge.
i’m made that i sat in the corner of and cried so much that Matthew’s parents asked me if i was ok.
i’m made that i’m the one that’s here to take care of Matthew. i have to deal with a broken boyfriend and he’s just fucking dead.
i’m mad that i keep playing this out only with Colt in the coffin and how i want to go first because i don’t want to live in a world without the loves of my life.
i’m just mad it was such a stupid way to die and such a waste and what the hell is the point of anything anymore?

30 Days of Pride: Day 7

Share something about your family or upbringing.

err… what’s to say about them?
really, i don’t want to talk about them this year.

June 6, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1338

“Which family member are you the closest to?”

none of them.
2016: none of them.
2015: i’m trying to get away from them.
2014: i’m not close to any of them.

30 Days of Pride: Day 6

Who was the first person your came out to?

myself. i feel this is a cheat but;
i felt like a prude when i would talk about sex with Colt. he could do anybody and i just felt cold all over at the idea.
and then i found the word for it: demisexual. i’m not broke, i am me. and when i realized that, it was a coming out to me by me to finalized who i am.

June 5, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1337

“What was the last fruit you ate?”

no clue.
2016: watermelon in dipping sauce.
2015: do not recall.
2014: do not recall.

30 Days of Pride: Day 5

Who was your first celebrity crush?

Eric Braeden, who plays Victor Newman on The Young and the Restless. it took me a few years to learn the word to describe him.

June 4, 2017

5 year blog, day 1336

“Today you wore___.”

out. i was wore out by the end of the day.
2016: work clothes.
2015: clothes.
2014: purple and jean capris.

30 Days of Pride: Day 4

Who was your first real-life crush? If you’re comfortable, share what qualities they possessed that attracted you to them.

it was the neighborhood who was 3 years older then me.
i was 4 at the time so, i think it was the fact he was the first guy my age that did anything for me.

June 3, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1335

“Who do you miss the most right now?”

2016: no one right now.
2015: Nicole.
2014: do i need to say his name?

30 Days of Pride: Day 3

Are you out? How did you come out? Was it a positive or negative experience?

i am more or less came out in a blog post. i think i told those near and dear to me before the post, if not shortly after.
my experience has been more or less positive. it’s mostly me explaining what demisexual is and how is it different from “normal” sexuality.

June 2, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1334

“Should you trust your instincts?”
2016: very so.
2015: hell yes.
2014: yes.

30 Days of Pride: Day 2

How old were you when you first knew you were LGBTQ+?

last year was when i realized that i was demisexual, part of the asexual world, at age 36.
looking back, man it all makes sense. it was never about getting to the sex, it was just having a boyfriend.
but i like my men in dresses and makeup and my women a bit butch, i kinda leery about using the label queer.

June 1, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1333

“On a scale of one to ten, how healthy are you?”

2016: working on getting lighter again. want to get down to 269 by the time Dr. Strange comes out.
2015: lighter than last year, plan on getting lighter.
2014: fuck you.

30 Days of Pride: Day 1

Share your name, age, and how you identify. Share a picture of yourself that you love.

hi. my name is AmerWitch and i’m 37 and i’m a cis woman demisexual.
this is me and my men. did i mention i’m also polyamorous?